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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop friends turning up yo a party they aren't invited to?

397 replies

Yomuma · 07/11/2023 07:38

DH and I have a bunch of mutual friends, including a lovely chap (let's call him "Phil")

Phil's girlfriend (who we don't know well) is organising him a birthday party. It isn't a surprise party, as Phil has apparently given her the names and numbers of those he wants there.
It sounds like a posh event, we've been asked to make food choices from a fancy menu etc. It is my DH on the chat with the invite on, but she apparently said to invite partners (so I am confident I am invited too).

The problem is, another mutual friend ("Sophie") as started up a seperate chat which includes not only some of those that are invited, but 5 poeple who are not. In fact, I'm sure Phil barely knows these 5 people at all and hasn't seen them in maybe 15 years. On this chat, Sophie has given out the details of the party, and suggested we all get an air BnB and go together. Replies have been along the lines of "thanks for the invite!" and "sounds great".

I feel like I am watching a slow motion car crash. DH says not to get involved, (I suggested he check with Phil's girlfriend / give her a heads up but he refused). I can't cope with the thought of 5 people turning up to (and paying accommodation for / travelling quite a distance to) a party they aren't invited to. The awkwardness when there is no food for them! The awkwardness when Phil is confused as to why they are there!

I have contacted 2 other invitees about this who are on Sophie's chat and they agree it is really awkward and cringe but don't want to get involved either.

AIBU to want to stop this carnage?

And how could I do it anyway without it being reaaaaallllly awkward?

OP posts:
suitsyoumissus · 07/11/2023 08:19

You're all on a group chat. They've thanked Sophie for the invite. At that point what was the problem with just posting something like - Just in case - has (x's girlfriend) sent you all invites? I hope you don't mind me checking, but I know it's invite only and there's a sit-down meal involved. We've been asked to send our choices.

Ellie1015 · 07/11/2023 08:25

Speak to Sophie, Phil or Gf. I wouldn't post on the group chat as it may make the extra 5 feel like an afterthought (and they may not be)

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/11/2023 08:26

SandyWaves · 07/11/2023 08:14

Without getting too involved you could innocently say

'I chose steak and chocolate bomb for dessert from the menu, but it was so hard to choose, i could eat it all! What did everyone else choose?'

and if they were invited, they will respond. If not and they weren't sent the menu, the penny should drop.

This is such a good idea. You could add on something like “I’ve looked up the place we are eating, it looks great. Has everyone seen the menu shared by Phil’s gf?”

Gymmum82 · 07/11/2023 08:31

Message Sophie directly
‘hey soph do you realise x, x, x, x and x haven’t been invited to Phil’s party? Gonna be seriously awkward if they turn up and there’s no space or food for them, just thought I’d give you the heads up in case you hadn’t noticed’

theduchessofspork · 07/11/2023 08:32

coffeestrongblacknosugar · 07/11/2023 07:42

I would contact the original person (Sophie) who added in the 5 non invited people and tell her that they were not invited to the party and then leave it to her to sort out.

That's all you can do in the not getting involved. But do speak up, otherwise you are complicit in the inviting/carnage scenario that will happen.

This exactly

TeaTurtle · 07/11/2023 08:33

Just contact Phil’s girlfriend and let her know what’s happening. She can tell you if the invites have changed or if Sophie has made a mess of it.

Don’t do anything weird or cryptic on the group chat!

Mirabai · 07/11/2023 08:34

Just contact the gf - she needs to sort this out. I don’t know why you haven’t done this already.

CommonOrNot · 07/11/2023 08:38

This is so awkward. More so the fact you don’t know the girlfriend very well! I would suggest contacting Sophie and asking her wtf and then maybe mention it in the GC as well

Manadou · 07/11/2023 08:40

Personally, I'd keep my beak out.

meatbaseddessert · 07/11/2023 08:43

SandyWaves · 07/11/2023 08:14

Without getting too involved you could innocently say

'I chose steak and chocolate bomb for dessert from the menu, but it was so hard to choose, i could eat it all! What did everyone else choose?'

and if they were invited, they will respond. If not and they weren't sent the menu, the penny should drop.

Oh god no this is so cringy. Also risks people going 'oooh make sure I get the steak and chocolate too!'

Just say to the person who invited the others 'ooh It's it's a named guest list for the party at a fancy restaurant, I'm not sure Dave, Ian and John are invited!'

Simplelobsterhat · 07/11/2023 08:44

Are you sure Sophie hasn't been asked to invite these extra people by the girlfriend because she didn't have their details? I'd check with her

Spirro · 07/11/2023 08:44

You need to tell the girlfriend. She can either accept the extra guests or deal with Sophie. You would be very unreasonable to just ignore it and put Phil and his girlfriend in a situation you could have prevented.

reclaimmyboobs · 07/11/2023 08:45

OP, given you haven’t seen the girlfriend’s original chat with the details, including “bring partners”, which is where your invitation originates, are you 100% confident that Sophie’s invitees haven’t been mentioned on that chat under a “pass this on to everyone from Phil’s uni days/gap year/Dungeons & Dragons group”. It can’t be that formal a party if it’s being done (a) by group chat and (b) your invitation is just a “feel free to bring partners”, so is there a possibility Sophie has it right and you don’t?

ClairDeLaLune · 07/11/2023 08:46

I would contact Sophie directly, and ask her if she’s sure the other 5 are invited, as they weren’t in the original WhatsApp group. Who are they anyway?! Friends of Sophie’s?

There could be a chance they were invited in a separate group so I wouldn’t go in all guns blazing telling Sophie that she’s wrong. Just take the line that you’re checking.

But someone needs to do something to avoid the possible carnage!

Autumnleaves89 · 07/11/2023 08:47

I would HAVE to speak up. It’s not fair on Phil and Claire, and so embarrassing for the poor people who think they’ve been invited! I literally couldn’t sit back and watch this unfold 😳

Discointhekitchen · 07/11/2023 08:48

Are you all quite young?

that’s not a dig btw… am wondering whether Sophie is thinking it’s still like student years where it was a free for all/ more the merrier?

Or she’s living in the past and thinks that she and the 5 others are the ‘core’ group of friends and forgetting that people drift apart or make new friends.

Thedm · 07/11/2023 08:48

You’ve noticed it so no need to pass this onto your husband. Just get the gfs phone number and message her yourself, just to let her know. That’s all you need to do. She can take it from there.

user1492757084 · 07/11/2023 08:49

It's not a wedding or engagement do - so I would make sure that Sophie knows the people perhaps were not invited. What to do now is tricky??
I would ask Sophie to make extra food to cover them and get the uninvited new guests to also cook and bring food.

I bet it is no worries and all fun.
Next time the party planner will be more specific with invitations!
I don't think it's a major crime or a huge car crash.

OfcourseitsaNC · 07/11/2023 08:50

In the nicest possible way, why do you need DHs approval to "get involved"?

If they're mutual friends, then surely your opinion is just as valid as DHs.

I agree something needs saying. I, like you, disagree with your DH. So say whatever needs saying to whoever you need to.

IdealisticCynic · 07/11/2023 08:51

Maybe Sophie was asked to pass on the invitation for the gf because Phil wanted them there but wasn’t sure if he still had their correct numbers because he hasn’t seen them for a while?

I would definitely say something to avoid embarrassment and people spending money unnecessarily in case they are not invited. Either check with Sophie or the gf. It’s easy to do so with a casual text.

NeedToChangeName · 07/11/2023 08:51

How do you know the extra 5 are not invited?

NeedToChangeName · 07/11/2023 08:52

user1492757084 · 07/11/2023 08:49

It's not a wedding or engagement do - so I would make sure that Sophie knows the people perhaps were not invited. What to do now is tricky??
I would ask Sophie to make extra food to cover them and get the uninvited new guests to also cook and bring food.

I bet it is no worries and all fun.
Next time the party planner will be more specific with invitations!
I don't think it's a major crime or a huge car crash.

If guests had to choose their meals from a menu in advance, I'd assume the party is at a venue, so it would be odd for guests to rock up with some bowls of food

Meeting · 07/11/2023 08:54

Sophie created this mess so it's her job to fit it. I'd message her privately and if she refuses to rectify the situation if have to tell his gf.

Northby · 07/11/2023 08:54

This really isn’t a big deal.

Just post on the chat, “Hey, just to flag I think this is a sit-down meal so Phil won’t be expecting anyone that his girlfriend hasn’t contacted directly. Just wanted to flag before anyone spends money booking accommodation etc.”.

After that it’s their problem if they lose out.

reclaimmyboobs · 07/11/2023 08:55

user1492757084 · 07/11/2023 08:49

It's not a wedding or engagement do - so I would make sure that Sophie knows the people perhaps were not invited. What to do now is tricky??
I would ask Sophie to make extra food to cover them and get the uninvited new guests to also cook and bring food.

I bet it is no worries and all fun.
Next time the party planner will be more specific with invitations!
I don't think it's a major crime or a huge car crash.

It’s a formal party where OP has picked from a menu in advance, it would be bloody weird to have a load of uninvited people at the table with cling film-covered bowls of potluck potato salad.

This is as odd as recent advice on here to bring a board game to a restaurant dinner to avoid conversation, or bring some oven chips and frozen veggies to a restaurant with a limited menu.

I can’t decide if I’m high or everyone else on MN is at the moment.