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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop friends turning up yo a party they aren't invited to?

397 replies

Yomuma · 07/11/2023 07:38

DH and I have a bunch of mutual friends, including a lovely chap (let's call him "Phil")

Phil's girlfriend (who we don't know well) is organising him a birthday party. It isn't a surprise party, as Phil has apparently given her the names and numbers of those he wants there.
It sounds like a posh event, we've been asked to make food choices from a fancy menu etc. It is my DH on the chat with the invite on, but she apparently said to invite partners (so I am confident I am invited too).

The problem is, another mutual friend ("Sophie") as started up a seperate chat which includes not only some of those that are invited, but 5 poeple who are not. In fact, I'm sure Phil barely knows these 5 people at all and hasn't seen them in maybe 15 years. On this chat, Sophie has given out the details of the party, and suggested we all get an air BnB and go together. Replies have been along the lines of "thanks for the invite!" and "sounds great".

I feel like I am watching a slow motion car crash. DH says not to get involved, (I suggested he check with Phil's girlfriend / give her a heads up but he refused). I can't cope with the thought of 5 people turning up to (and paying accommodation for / travelling quite a distance to) a party they aren't invited to. The awkwardness when there is no food for them! The awkwardness when Phil is confused as to why they are there!

I have contacted 2 other invitees about this who are on Sophie's chat and they agree it is really awkward and cringe but don't want to get involved either.

AIBU to want to stop this carnage?

And how could I do it anyway without it being reaaaaallllly awkward?

OP posts:
Avatartar · 07/11/2023 09:49

2 things OP-

  1. just ring Sophie and tell her you are panicking and worried that the +5s aren't invited, then you’ll get the answer.
  2. don’t book in the same Air B&B Just incase Sophie has invited people who aren’t on the guest list as if they start dropping out, the cost for those left will increase
reclaimmyboobs · 07/11/2023 09:50

@IAmAnIdiot123 Haha! I know it’s going to be one of those things that lives in my brain rent-free for years. I’ll never quit this stupid website, it’s such an entertaining insight into other people’s WTFery.

Maddy70 · 07/11/2023 09:51

I would say to Sophie that she needs to address this. Phil's partner has arranged it and people have submitted their meal choices. These people haven't been invited. Tell her it will ruins phils night

She needs to stop it

MandyFriend · 07/11/2023 09:52

Definitely speak to Sophie, as it looks like she has totally overstepped her bounds!

For all you know, she may have had a separate conversation with Phil's partner, who is well aware of these extra people... or she hasn't...

GinAndJuice99 · 07/11/2023 09:54

This sounds very stressful. I think you should get your partner to double check with Phil's girlfriend that you are definitely invited, saying that he just wanted to be totally sure. While he's doing this he can slip in a mention about Sophie inviting the five randomers.

Littlelucas · 07/11/2023 09:56

Seeing as these are your dp’s friends and not yours and he has specifically told you to get involved I wouldn’t do anything. If the boot was on the other foot and they were your friends and your dp waded in how would you feel? I’d be livid.

But I do think it’s a bit cowardly of your dp not to say something to Phils gf.

Not your funeral OP!

backtowinter · 07/11/2023 09:57

user1492757084 · 07/11/2023 08:49

It's not a wedding or engagement do - so I would make sure that Sophie knows the people perhaps were not invited. What to do now is tricky??
I would ask Sophie to make extra food to cover them and get the uninvited new guests to also cook and bring food.

I bet it is no worries and all fun.
Next time the party planner will be more specific with invitations!
I don't think it's a major crime or a huge car crash.

It's a sit down dinner. They can't turn up with their packed lunch boxes

Whinge · 07/11/2023 09:59

As well as not actually receiving an invitation, it's interesting that OP is close enough to Phil to say Phil barely knows these 5 people at all and hasn't seen them in maybe 15 years.

But at the same time she barely knows Phil's girlfriend...
Phil's girlfriend (who we don't know well)

Confused
Thegoodbadandugly · 07/11/2023 10:00

I would speak to the organiser about it because if it is expensive and these people turn up from nowhere it could cause an awfully lot of trouble and ruin the night.

BalletBob · 07/11/2023 10:01

Mirabai · 07/11/2023 09:22

Exactly. That’s why you need to turn over everything to Phil’s gf.

It’s not your place to sort it out but it is your place to flag the issue with the party organiser.

Show quote history

She doesn't even know there is an issue and she doesn't need to involve herself whatsoever. There are plenty of people closer to the birthday boy (and who have actually been invited firsthand) who can intervene if needed. It's nothing to do with OP.

susiedaisy1912 · 07/11/2023 10:04

I'd be concerned as to whether you are actually invited op, you say that 'apparently partners are invited too' are you sure ? Have you seen the conversation where it states this?

Yalta · 07/11/2023 10:04

Could these 5 people someone else’s +1?

I very much doubt they are but I would ask along the lines of SandyWaves and turn their attention to the menu and ask what they ordered.

I think Sophie has got a bit carried away in thinking it is a “house” party vibe where it’s the more the merrier and a few more people won’t matter rather than a more formal dinner with menu choices made before the night.

CaineRaine · 07/11/2023 10:05

I can’t believe so many grown adults are suggesting the OP makes some cryptic message about her menu choices to try and elicit the truth about this. Are people really this wet that they can’t ask a direct question about something they’re concerned about?

Given the circumstances, the OP should ask her partner to check with Phil’s girlfriend if she’s added more invitees to the event. If the OP has been asked to confirm her menu choices, it’s obvious she’s been invited. Beyond that, it’s none of her business.

noooooooo · 07/11/2023 10:06

I’m usually all for trying to save people awkwardness or embarrassment but I don’t think this one is your problem. You’ve got plausible deniability, since you don’t know whether they’ve actually been invited or not, and since you’re not the party polis, it’s not your responsibility to stop people just turning up. I’d see it as a risk to you that if you intervene, Sophie (and the other people) decide to shoot the messenger 🙁 Suspect that’s why DH doesn’t want involved.

HowToSaveAWife · 07/11/2023 10:07

I'm sorry I don't understand why you or anyone else in the chat hasn't said I'm sorry, this is awkward but have you 5 actually been invited by Phil's girlfriend? Because she's sorted the dinner and accommodation and I don't actually know what this chat is for? Does girlfriend know about the extra people you've invited Sophie?

It's not rude, it's direct and an honest question.

Failing that, I would have said it to the GF asap, or at least phil. This is bonkers.

Gifgirl · 07/11/2023 10:09

Northby · 07/11/2023 08:54

This really isn’t a big deal.

Just post on the chat, “Hey, just to flag I think this is a sit-down meal so Phil won’t be expecting anyone that his girlfriend hasn’t contacted directly. Just wanted to flag before anyone spends money booking accommodation etc.”.

After that it’s their problem if they lose out.

This is the way to handle the situation.

StaunchMomma · 07/11/2023 10:13

SandyWaves · 07/11/2023 08:14

Without getting too involved you could innocently say

'I chose steak and chocolate bomb for dessert from the menu, but it was so hard to choose, i could eat it all! What did everyone else choose?'

and if they were invited, they will respond. If not and they weren't sent the menu, the penny should drop.

This is the way forward - you're not 100% sure they haven't been invited so you need to tread carefully.

It's not really your mess to sort out but I do think something needs to be said to avoid a really awkward situation on the night.

Mentioning the menu might help the penny drop but you can't really be catch any heat for it.

DNLove · 07/11/2023 10:22

Text Phils girlfriend "hi Mary, it's DH's wife here. Just wanted to double check he's gotten the details correct (men huh). Date is x and we've to be there for Y time. Is there a dress code? Saw Sophie extending invite to ABCDE, Phil will be so surprised to see those blasts from the past! Really looking forward to seeing you all!

Wetblanket78 · 07/11/2023 10:25

Can you inform Sophie of what they have done and add her to the chat?

WimpoleHat · 07/11/2023 10:26

Directly to Sophie - “Sophie - I hate to say it, but I got the impression that it’s a pretty formal party with sit down food and menu choices rather than just a “rock up for a drink” type thing. Are you sure X, Y and Z have actually been formally invited? Could be a bit awkward all round if not…..”

EarthlyNightshade · 07/11/2023 10:26

Message Sophie- are these five definitely invited? - up to her then.

Bellaboo01 · 07/11/2023 10:27

Stay out of it.

Not your circus, not your monkey

Figgygal · 07/11/2023 10:30

Gymmum82 · 07/11/2023 08:31

Message Sophie directly
‘hey soph do you realise x, x, x, x and x haven’t been invited to Phil’s party? Gonna be seriously awkward if they turn up and there’s no space or food for them, just thought I’d give you the heads up in case you hadn’t noticed’

This!!!
Shes been a bit of an idiot here her mess to sort

randomusernam · 07/11/2023 10:31

Give us an update on how this all pans out when it eventually does!

Onethingatatime23 · 07/11/2023 10:33

I'd tell the girlfriend that someone may have got the wrong end of the stick and let her deal with it. It may be that they can be included if they are old mates.