To stop friends turning up yo a party they aren't invited to?

[Yomuma]

DH and I have a bunch of mutual friends, including a lovely chap (let's call him "Phil")

Phil's girlfriend (who we don't know well) is organising him a birthday party. It isn't a surprise party, as Phil has apparently given her the names and numbers of those he wants there.
It sounds like a posh event, we've been asked to make food choices from a fancy menu etc. It is my DH on the chat with the invite on, but she apparently said to invite partners (so I am confident I am invited too).

The problem is, another mutual friend ("Sophie") as started up a seperate chat which includes not only some of those that are invited, but 5 poeple who are not. In fact, I'm sure Phil barely knows these 5 people at all and hasn't seen them in maybe 15 years. On this chat, Sophie has given out the details of the party, and suggested we all get an air BnB and go together. Replies have been along the lines of "thanks for the invite!" and "sounds great".

I feel like I am watching a slow motion car crash. DH says not to get involved, (I suggested he check with Phil's girlfriend / give her a heads up but he refused). I can't cope with the thought of 5 people turning up to (and paying accommodation for / travelling quite a distance to) a party they aren't invited to. The awkwardness when there is no food for them! The awkwardness when Phil is confused as to why they are there!

I have contacted 2 other invitees about this who are on Sophie's chat and they agree it is really awkward and cringe but don't want to get involved either.

AIBU to want to stop this carnage?

And how could I do it anyway without it being reaaaaallllly awkward?

You don’t know anything about why Sophie invited these people.

I would just put in the group a message along the lines of “ I think I might have changed my mind about the menu choices I made, it all looks so delicious. Has everyone already given (insert gf name here) their menu choices?”
then leave it at that, it will be obvious to everyone in the group that menu options had to be pre chosen and if they haven’t been given the menu then they can chase Sophie/the gf.

It is my DH on the chat with the invite on, but she apparently said to invite partners (so I am confident I am invited too).

Hope you are actually invited, maybe make sure before you start checking others! They might be confident they are invited too!

This is good. Or can you add Claire to the group?

This^
some people have “assuming” bug, they assume a lot about other people and situations and then get everyone into trouble. I wonder if Sophie is like this.

Surely you contact Sophie and ask if she has confirmed the others are invited as they weren’t on the original invite? Then if not it’s her mess to sort out.

That's what I would do.

Sounds like Sophie is admin.

Is it possible that these 5 extras are the +1's of other invitees?

And given you said,
"It is my DH on the chat with the invite on, but she apparently said to invite partners (so I am confident I am invited too)."
... as a PP mentioned, it would be wise to ensure you are actually included yourself rather than just being 'confident' and taking hubby's word for it second-hand - it being him, not you, on the chat and all.

You / DH contact Sophie and say “I might be misunderstanding but isn’t this quite a ‘formal invite’ do? We have already given menu choices for the table booking. Does Phil’s gf know about all the people in the chat group?”

Don't post on the group WhatsApp. No need to embarrass Sophie in front of her friends, or look like a dick if those extra 5 are on the guest list

But you could contact Sophie directly to check if those people are invited

I think given that you haven't actually had an invitation directly and haven't seen any evidence that you are invited (only that "apparently" the girlfriend told the actual invitees via Whatsapp to feel free to bring partners), you probably aren't privy to enough details to be wading in. You don't know for sure whether Sophie was asked by the girlfriend to start this extra WhatsApp and invite the extra 5. It also doesn't sound like these are your friends, more your DH's group. So without close friendships or the full facts, it's really not something you need to involve yourself in.

Oh god, someone really must contact Sophie and ask her if she had Phil’s/GF permission to extend the invite to others. I’d nominate whoever knows her best of the mutual friends.

letting it just play out though would have made for a very entertaining thread

Exactly. That’s why you need to turn over everything to Phil’s gf.

It’s not your place to sort it out but it is your place to flag the issue with the party organiser.

Does Sophie fancy Phil?

I can't cope with the thought of 5 people turning up to (and paying accommodation for / travelling quite a distance to) a party they aren't invited to

It's nothing to do with you , so why do you have to cope with it? Are you always so controlling?

This.

Completely normal chat, allows you to plead ignorance, means someone will twig if it's not legit.

I hope so, nothing woos a guy with a long-term girlfriend better than bringing five party crashers to his formal, invitation-only event. Especially if they bring a Tupperware of extra food.

Honestly I would just assume that girlfriend had asked Sophie to contact these old friends from Phil's past and see how many of them wanted to come. Unless Sophie is a known loon. How likely is it that she'd invite five people to a party at a restaurant without approval from the host?

Are you always so rude?

The post doesn't sound at all controlling to me, this sounds like the OP has social anxiety and is getting stressed out by the idea of the potential fallout and awkwardness and wants to save her friend the stress.

Exactly. The OP is being really dramatic and over the top, especially considering she doesn't even even have an invite.

You need to establish facts first, posting something cryptic on the group WhatsApp will just make it awkward for everyone. The simplest way forward is to check with the girlfriend whether these additional people are actually invited and let her deal with it if they aren't.

Funniest possible outcome is all Sophie’s randoms are actually invited but OP isn’t.

I would message Sophie and say how much you are looking forward to the party and seeing <insert 5 peoples names> after so long (or meeting them for the first time if never met them) as you didn’t realise they were invited on the original invite for the sit down meal.

Thank her for organising the Airbnb and leave her to either confirm she was asked to invite them or justify why she did if she wasn’t.

That way you avoid having to ask her outright was she asked to invite them, which tbh is quite awkward in and of itself..

As soon as I read 'This is as odd as' I knew you were going to mention the board games at a resturant. I'm still laughing about it.

It's certainly possible. It's already odd that OP considers Phil a mutal friend but only her DP name is on the invite.