To stop friends turning up yo a party they aren't invited to?

[Yomuma]

DH and I have a bunch of mutual friends, including a lovely chap (let's call him "Phil")

Phil's girlfriend (who we don't know well) is organising him a birthday party. It isn't a surprise party, as Phil has apparently given her the names and numbers of those he wants there.
It sounds like a posh event, we've been asked to make food choices from a fancy menu etc. It is my DH on the chat with the invite on, but she apparently said to invite partners (so I am confident I am invited too).

The problem is, another mutual friend ("Sophie") as started up a seperate chat which includes not only some of those that are invited, but 5 poeple who are not. In fact, I'm sure Phil barely knows these 5 people at all and hasn't seen them in maybe 15 years. On this chat, Sophie has given out the details of the party, and suggested we all get an air BnB and go together. Replies have been along the lines of "thanks for the invite!" and "sounds great".

I feel like I am watching a slow motion car crash. DH says not to get involved, (I suggested he check with Phil's girlfriend / give her a heads up but he refused). I can't cope with the thought of 5 people turning up to (and paying accommodation for / travelling quite a distance to) a party they aren't invited to. The awkwardness when there is no food for them! The awkwardness when Phil is confused as to why they are there!

I have contacted 2 other invitees about this who are on Sophie's chat and they agree it is really awkward and cringe but don't want to get involved either.

AIBU to want to stop this carnage?

And how could I do it anyway without it being reaaaaallllly awkward?

Is Sophie a chaos demon?!

I kind of love Sophie. It’s quite funny, but only because I’m not involved and won’t have to watch it all unfold while trying to eat my nice dinner!

I think you still need to give Phil's gf a heads up and let her know what Sophie is doing.

Wow. Well done for dealing with it. Let's hope she checks with the girlfriend asap!

Oh my, this is bringing back dark memories of my late twenties and early thirties when I def knew 'chaos merchants' (BRILLIANT phrase) like Sophie who would def do this, out of sheer obliviousness or master league manipulation I never really worked out!

Def a good thing you contacted her OP, I can think of two occasions where people turned up at formal-ish events that they thought they were invited to but weren't (like the full wedding not the evening only) and it was the guests who were severely mortified so completely unfair on them.

I'd just ask what other choices people made when asked for their food choices, pretending I was doubting my decision. This may clarify who else has been sent the options too, and maybe cast doubt on the invited for those who didn't receive any. Then you've got an in as to whether they are on the list or not.

I don't understand the behaviour of the extra guests to be honest, I wouldn't think I was invited to a party unless I actually got an invitation! Especially if it was abroad and someone who I hadn't seen for 15 years!

I wonder if she won't manage to check with Phil's gf in time to stop the flight/hotel being booked?

I mean she knew that they weren't invited but thought that they would like to come??

Yeah right!

Oh what a nightmare Sophie has created!

Very unfair to add an extra 5 people to someone else's event. Sophie better quickly uninvite them. That could easily be £100 a head in food and wine if the hosts are paying all of it.

I'll sit back with popcorn 🍿 surely nobody is that daft to invite people to someone else's do - esp not a sit down meal!

I don't think that it sounds like disaster averted , I think it sounds like disaster about to start!

she thought they'd like to come, doesn't sound like she's going to double check and flights could be being booked right now!!!

eeek.

Yeah I think you still need to tell the GF and gently warn on the new group chat (a pp had a msg about it being quite a small do and you all had to give meal choices a while back, use something like that)

Oh, I have a friend who is a chaos demon!
Group decides to go to Pizza Express Wednesday night. She pops up on Monday saying some other random (let's say Indian) restaurant are doing a special on Thursday if anyone fancies that instead. Half the group do fancy that, despite rest of group not being free/not liking Indian/pizza express booked, etc. and ensuing battle in the whatsapp results in loads of people being a bit miffed and her being all "oh it was just a thought".
And repeat one month later with some other scenario.

Sophie sounds like a bloody nightmare!

What did you reply?!

I think the previous idea of mentioning the menu choices is a good shout give the 5 the hint that Sophie is not host and they haven't been invited by the actual hosts.

You need to message the group chat and say that it's a small do and the people who are going have already had to submit menu choices.
I'd message the girlfriend too. She needs to know what is going on.

Now Sophie has admitted that these extras weren’t invited by Phil’s girlfriend, you’re safe to say something to Phil without risking looking stupid. Or to make your partner do it, seeing as he’s the one talking to Phil.

I think given someone on the group chat “is booking flights” you’ve got to step in now and say something on the chat about it being formal invitations only so don’t book anything unless you have the official invite. Leaving it until somebody has told the GF and the birthday boy etc could take a while.

Given your update about one of the non-invitees potentially booking flights, I think I would send a quick note to Phil's partner to say that there are a few friends who have heard wind of the party and are thinking of flying in to attend, so that it can be headed off. I wouldn't trust Sophie to check with Phil's partner (why would she?), but maybe Phil would be thrilled to know that these additional folks want to come and celebrate with him - and then the invite could be extended. But it would be awful for those non-invitees to turn up and realise they were never invited. And super awkward for Phil and his partner. I would just flag it up with them, not to call out Sophie, but to just say that you heard these conversations happening and you were worried that there was a misunderstanding, but that you wanted to let her know that these more distant friends seem to really want to celebrate with him, so maybe a way could be found for them to join, especially if some people need to give their apologies.

Nope, don't say anything about menu choices or whatever and hope they take the hint. You've done your bit - now it's time for your partner to step up and do the right thing by contacting Phil's GF.

Yup!

Can't see Sophie telling them that she's made a mistake and they're not actually invited!

Telling Sophie is manipulating Sophie & Phil - it puts them in the difficult position of feeling they have no choice but extent the invite. Or be the bad guys and say no the restaurant has no space.

Meal and drinks in a posh restaurant could easily be £500 that's a huge ask. Why would they want to spend that hosting people they haven't seen in years?

It also changes the dynamics from a close group of friends at a birthday to a friends re-united reunion that they're footing the bill for.

Brilliant! How did brother / his mates / your mum react?

I don't think the crisis is averted, someone needs to tell Phil.

How wildly popular is Phil that people will fly to celebrate with him even when not directly invited! Is he a massive ledge?