To stop friends turning up yo a party they aren't invited to?

[Yomuma]

DH and I have a bunch of mutual friends, including a lovely chap (let's call him "Phil")

Phil's girlfriend (who we don't know well) is organising him a birthday party. It isn't a surprise party, as Phil has apparently given her the names and numbers of those he wants there.
It sounds like a posh event, we've been asked to make food choices from a fancy menu etc. It is my DH on the chat with the invite on, but she apparently said to invite partners (so I am confident I am invited too).

The problem is, another mutual friend ("Sophie") as started up a seperate chat which includes not only some of those that are invited, but 5 poeple who are not. In fact, I'm sure Phil barely knows these 5 people at all and hasn't seen them in maybe 15 years. On this chat, Sophie has given out the details of the party, and suggested we all get an air BnB and go together. Replies have been along the lines of "thanks for the invite!" and "sounds great".

I feel like I am watching a slow motion car crash. DH says not to get involved, (I suggested he check with Phil's girlfriend / give her a heads up but he refused). I can't cope with the thought of 5 people turning up to (and paying accommodation for / travelling quite a distance to) a party they aren't invited to. The awkwardness when there is no food for them! The awkwardness when Phil is confused as to why they are there!

I have contacted 2 other invitees about this who are on Sophie's chat and they agree it is really awkward and cringe but don't want to get involved either.

AIBU to want to stop this carnage?

And how could I do it anyway without it being reaaaaallllly awkward?

Goodness me!

Birthday Phil barely knows these friends and hasn't seen them in 15 years according to the first post.

"It sounds like a posh event, we've been asked to make food choices from a fancy menu etc. It is my DH on the chat with the invite on, but she apparently said to invite partners (so I am confident I am invited too)."
If it were posh, formal invitations should have been sent, - yet OP is only 'confident' she's invited, because GF 'apparently said'.

Surely Sophie would have said the gf had asked her to extend the extra 5 invitations, when @Yomuma first raised it with her, @Gcsunnyside23?

@Yomuma The other invitees may be mortified to know Sophie has just unilaterally decided to invite them. Drop a message on the WhatsApp chat saying
"hey all FYI Phil's gf has been organising the party and I think numbers are limited at restaurant and I know catering is being arranged in advance, so I'd suggest everyone contacts the gf to confirm attendance before finalising arrangements!" Add a couple of friendly/fun emojis etc if you want to make it seem casual.

By contacting the gf you create a bunch of problems as presumably this gf has no way of contacting them all .. this way they all understand there's some kind of limitations on the party and can make their own decision whether to be bonkers like Sophie or realise there's an invite list.

Did you get girlfriends number OP?

@Yomuma what's the latest on this fiasco?

I think I’d write (type) Phil’s girlfriend a note and post it with best wishes Anon on the bottom.

Sorry I had missed the ops update. Sophie is crazy, can't/dont believe she just randomly started inviting people. Op has done her bit bringing it up but it's back to Sophie now to go to Phil and his girlfriend about the additions

I like this wording.

Fgs. Just tell Phil!

How old do you think that makes Op look. Either be women enough to speak up or don't.

Personally I think I'd be ask Sophies guests if they'd had contact from Phils GF by asking what they fancied from the menu. Or say does Phil / Phils GF know you're planning on coming?

Sophie is appalling!

I agree that Sophie is appalling, but everyone else who knows what she’s done any isn’t doing anything about it is just as bad. Somebody needs to be straight with the organiser right now and get this nonsense stopped before it causes a massive problem for some or all of the people involved. If it’s clear that Sophie isn’t going to do it then OP or her DH need to grow up and just be straight with the organiser, this morning. Why would you risk ruining the event completely, for the sake of not making a tiny bit of a ripple at this stage? It’s all so silly.

I know. The knots people tie themselves in because they can’t have a straight conversation.

You get Phil’s gf’s number, give her a head’s up and she can sort Sophie out herself. This is not rocket science.

"Hey, thought I'd just let you know that the party's not an open invite - it's a formal invitation-only dinner where invited guests have all had to pre-order food so I wouldn't be counting on anything unless you've received an invitation from Phil's GF directly, not passed on through Sophie."

Yes, why can't you just post that in Sophie's WhatsApp group?

It's Phil Collins

😁 hey Sophie, what's the dress code for the party?

No jacket required...

As this is like a B script for Motherland or Am I Being Unreasonable I will predict the next two episodes:

The OP’s hinting to guest with child will just make that guest think OP doesn’t like her and is trying to put her off. She talks to Sophie privately about this.

Sophie finally decides to talk to gf: oh, these other long-standing friends want to come and celebrate Phil isn’t it wonderful?

Gf is also unable to engage in straight talking so grins through gritted teeth and declares her and Phil ‘delighted’ and ties herself in knots re organising the dinner to accommodate.

Sophie is cock a hoop and doubles down on arrangements for her sub group.

Flight guest with child now finds flights are more expensive / less convenient and complains to Sophie about OP. Sophie excludes OP for trying to put Flight Guest off.

Sophie complains to gf about how awful it was that OP interfered with her such-fun plans to enable the surprise guests. Gf smiles sympathetically… as per.

Gf is now furious with OP for knowing about this from the beginning and not telling her. She complains to Phil, who tells OP’s DP what a car crash it is, and ‘why the hell didn’t you tell me?’

OP’s DP is furious with OP for having interfered when he said ‘don’t get involved’.

With everyone pissed off with OP, she sits awkwardly at the end of the table, by the toilet door, while all the guests side eye her.

Oh the fun to be had amongst people who can’t be direct, passive aggressive hints, ineffectual ‘interventions’ when a simple ‘did you know that Sophie has invited VWXY&Z?’ would have done the trick?

when a simple ‘did you know that Sophie has invited VWXY&Z?’ would have done the trick?

I agree.

I mean it's shit for the hosts to have to sort out either way but better than those Sophie has invited just turning up unexpectedly?

Mystery to me why Op's husband just wants to leave it...

I'm mystified that Op didn't just say something useful as soon as this appeared on the chat. A simple "Sophie, you're joking right? You can't invite extras to this party, how's that going to work when there's a sit down meal? If you want xyand z to come you need to speak to Phil's girlfriend".

Instead, as someone else has said, a script worthy of Motherland.

Perhaps send a message to Sophie's whatsapp group suggesting everyone contacts the organiser (not Sophie) regarding arrangements before booking anything as it's not Sophie's party. If they don't get the message then you've done what you can ie discussed it with Sophie and raised the flag with her random group.

Sophie is terrifyingly chaotic and I have definitely known people like her but she is not nearly as unhinged as the alarming number of posters in this thread who think this situation calls for absurd levels of hinting and subterfuge. Did someone seriously suggest an anonymous letter?

If you're going to make this your business then speak up straightforwardly. If you're so anxious about etiquette that you can only communicate in subtle hints, it's really best if you stay out of it.

Is "Just tell Phil's girlfriend" the new "cancel the cheque"?

No… it lacks the crucial element.
It could be the new CTC if the OP had told Phil’s girlfriend.
But she hasn’t.

Ah, you're right. So close!
Come on OP - go tell the girlfriend and then let a bunch of posters tell you to do it because they haven't read your update. Then you, too, can become a MN meme