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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop friends turning up yo a party they aren't invited to?

397 replies

Yomuma · 07/11/2023 07:38

DH and I have a bunch of mutual friends, including a lovely chap (let's call him "Phil")

Phil's girlfriend (who we don't know well) is organising him a birthday party. It isn't a surprise party, as Phil has apparently given her the names and numbers of those he wants there.
It sounds like a posh event, we've been asked to make food choices from a fancy menu etc. It is my DH on the chat with the invite on, but she apparently said to invite partners (so I am confident I am invited too).

The problem is, another mutual friend ("Sophie") as started up a seperate chat which includes not only some of those that are invited, but 5 poeple who are not. In fact, I'm sure Phil barely knows these 5 people at all and hasn't seen them in maybe 15 years. On this chat, Sophie has given out the details of the party, and suggested we all get an air BnB and go together. Replies have been along the lines of "thanks for the invite!" and "sounds great".

I feel like I am watching a slow motion car crash. DH says not to get involved, (I suggested he check with Phil's girlfriend / give her a heads up but he refused). I can't cope with the thought of 5 people turning up to (and paying accommodation for / travelling quite a distance to) a party they aren't invited to. The awkwardness when there is no food for them! The awkwardness when Phil is confused as to why they are there!

I have contacted 2 other invitees about this who are on Sophie's chat and they agree it is really awkward and cringe but don't want to get involved either.

AIBU to want to stop this carnage?

And how could I do it anyway without it being reaaaaallllly awkward?

OP posts:
GetBackIntoBed · 07/11/2023 18:21

People are actually booking flights to come to Phil's birthday bash??

Wow! Phil must be VERY popular for people to want to do this, AND gate crash, AND whatsapp chats being set up to discuss it all. People dont even do all that for a wedding.

SD1978 · 07/11/2023 18:21

I don't understand the drama. It's an invite only event. You tell Sophie this, although how she doesn't know, I'm not sure, and tell her that you seriously doubt extras will be accommodated. You seem to be enjoying the drama more, than trying to get what sounds like a bit of a mess sorted

Minibreak2023 · 07/11/2023 18:24

GetBackIntoBed · 07/11/2023 18:21

People are actually booking flights to come to Phil's birthday bash??

Wow! Phil must be VERY popular for people to want to do this, AND gate crash, AND whatsapp chats being set up to discuss it all. People dont even do all that for a wedding.

yes and don't forget some of these people barely know Phil and haven't seen him for about 15 years. It's all very plausible. NOT

Daleksatemyshed · 07/11/2023 18:26

Sophie sounds like she's on an ego trip if she thinks she can invite people out of the blue. Please stop tiptoeing around this Op, get the GF's number and just tell her- your carefully planned party is about to be gatecrashed, if this isn't what she wants then she needs to spread the word, no invite from her, no party. It would be a great kindness not only to her but to the univited guests, how humiliated would they feel if they travelled specially and were turned away. And yes, Sophie is a twat

DelphiniumBlue · 07/11/2023 18:27

I think this one of those occasions where whatever you do will be the wrong thing, especially as you barely know Phil's GF and you are not even on the WhatsApp group yourself and you are being invited as a WAG rather than in your own right.
Maybe you could give the people not formally invited a heads up by saying "best to check in with Phil and GF before booking anything to confirm arrangements", and leave it at that.

TheresaCrowd · 07/11/2023 18:29

SD1978 · 07/11/2023 18:21

I don't understand the drama. It's an invite only event. You tell Sophie this, although how she doesn't know, I'm not sure, and tell her that you seriously doubt extras will be accommodated. You seem to be enjoying the drama more, than trying to get what sounds like a bit of a mess sorted

I totally agree. The OP is absolutely salivating at the drama 😳

I feel like I am watching a slow motion car crash

I have contacted 2 other invitees about this who are on Sophie's chat and they agree it is really awkward and cringe but don't want to get involved either.

AIBU to want to stop this carnage?

FFS OP, tune into Corrie instead! 😂😂

Janedoe82 · 07/11/2023 18:32

I would stay out of it!!

BetsyBobbins · 07/11/2023 18:36

Janedoe82 · 07/11/2023 18:32

I would stay out of it!!

Not my circus, not my monkeys.

I've already got a lot on my plate than to worry about some other person's party.

I'd like to be at the party to witness the car crash though, it shall be highly entertaining Grin

grumpycow1 · 07/11/2023 18:37

Just message Phil with a screenshot Sophie’s original message, tell him who was included and say ‘thought you should know Sophie has invited some extras 😬 who are now looking at flights etc” Either he can tell Sophie to fix it or he can expand the guest list. His party his choice? As it’s not a surprise I would just tell him.

grumpycow1 · 07/11/2023 18:38

Imagwine · 07/11/2023 17:47

Just put a message on the what’s app.

”Have you guys had your official invites and chosen your meals? Just a heads up if you haven’t, then better check with Phil’s girl friend before you start spending money on travel. It could get a bit embarrassing else and perhaps won’t be the nice surprise for him that you think it will be, if there isn’t enough space at the venue or if there aren’t enough meals. Will be lovely to see you all if the hosts are ok about it”

Actually this is perfect! I’d do this.

Janedoe82 · 07/11/2023 18:39

Again- stay out of it!! It isn’t even your friend: it is your boyfriends.

meatbaseddessert · 07/11/2023 18:41

Hayliebells · 07/11/2023 18:17

If you don't want to be completely upfront about this, I would send the gf a message along the lines of "oh, I didn't realise X,Y,Z have been invited to the party, I didn't realise Phil was close to them but it'll be nice to see them". I don't know why your DH isn't doing this though, just staying out of it is bonkers.

No. I'd read this as you trying to pressurise me into extending a formal invite to them and I'd be furious. 'It'll be nice to see them'

Look the point is that there's a whole bunch of people who have been extended an invite to something they aren't invited to. They will be mortified if they show up and Phil's girlfriend will be put on the spot. The GF shouldn't have to deal with this.

Op needs to be clear with Sophie. No hinting FFs. 'Oh Sophie you might have overstepped the mark sorry. It's a formal sit down dinner at a restaurant for invitees only and it will be very awkward if the others turn up unannounced. Especially Deirdre who seems to be planning flights for her and daughter from Timbuktu. I really think you need to wind back the invite to the group. Alternatively you could contact GF and see if she can accommodate them but she may not be very receptive as it will be costing her a lot. Sorry mate. I know it's an awkward one.'

You could even suggest you take the hit for her and message the gate dasher group to make it clear they won't be accommodated for the meal 'hi guys sorry about this but Phil GF has confirmed that the birthday bash is named invitees only as it's a pretty fancy location and limited numbers unfortunately so there won't be space for you. It would have been lovely to have the gang together and sorry we won't see you but maybe another time. Deirdre I'm hoping you and others haven't spent money on travel yet. Thanks for understanding'

BlowDryRat · 07/11/2023 18:42

Just get your DH to message Phil checking he knows Sophie's invited other people. Job done.

momonpurpose · 07/11/2023 18:50

Sophie is batshit. You need to be very straightforward and say you are out of line it is not your place and these guests will not be wanted or catered for. Or get the number for the gf and call her. I'm sure she will be grateful to you for giving her the heads up to stop this

2Rebecca · 07/11/2023 18:53

Why is Sophie so keen to invite extra people to someone else's birthday dinner? She seems overinvested. is she an ex or something?

momonpurpose · 07/11/2023 18:57

2Rebecca · 07/11/2023 18:53

Why is Sophie so keen to invite extra people to someone else's birthday dinner? She seems overinvested. is she an ex or something?

Exactly! It is so odd

brainexplorer · 07/11/2023 18:57

A lot of hypothesising about Sophie's motives here! She's probably just selfishly thinking about who she wants to catch up with and socialise with at the party, not trying to sabotage Phil's girlfriend so she can steal him for herself. 😂

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/11/2023 18:57

Clearly @Yomuma‘s partner hasn’t stopped to think about the upset and chaos this will cause - maybe she should tell him that, unless he tells Phil’s girlfriend what is going on, he will be partly responsible for what happens when 5 people turn up to an event which they weren’t invited to, and where there will be no meals and even no places set for them. Ask him bluntly if he wants Phil’s party spoiled by all this.

ChimChimeny · 07/11/2023 19:04

this thread shows why so many NT people struggle with social interactions, so.much hinting and implying and just not saying what you actually mean!

You need to put something in the Sophie WhatsApp group, saying that invites have been sent by Claire so if you don't have one unfortunately you aren't invited. Maybe soften it by saying something about crossed wires rather than Sophie being batshit crazy but you have to say something

Or message Claire or Phil, who cares if you haven't messaged her before, she will definitely appreciate one from you now

Guesswho88 · 07/11/2023 19:08

icelollycraving · 07/11/2023 07:46

Oh my gosh, you can’t let people book air b&b to attend a party they aren’t actually invited to. I’d put a message on along the lines of ‘it’d be great to see everyone but I think this is quite a small do, we had to give our meal choices some time ago’

Agree, this the adult thing to do.

godmum56 · 07/11/2023 19:08

rainbowstardrops · 07/11/2023 07:56

I'd contact the girlfriend and tell her what Sophie is doing. Then it's up to her what she wants to do about it.

This. I'd also leave the chat

AliceOlive · 07/11/2023 19:11

sweetpickle23 · 07/11/2023 18:19

@AliceOlive But that's still assuming Phil and gf don't want the extra guests there, if they decide they do after all then no need to tell Sophie anything.

For the record I agree Sophie has been out of line, but I don't believe the OP can solve it- it's not her event.

Have you ever planned a dinner party where meals are pre-selected by guests?

Rewis · 07/11/2023 19:12

Message "Hey CF's, Before you book something, you should check with the host" and then heads up to the hosts thay you've said this. They can decide if they invite the others.

I'm side eyeing your husband.
Also what's wrong with Sophie?

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 07/11/2023 19:15

sweetpickle23 · 07/11/2023 16:15

You do seem to be enjoying the drama of this OP, "have bought myself some time"- to do what? It's not your problem to solve.

It seems like the easiest solution is to contact Phil or his gf and just let them know what Sophie has done and leave it at that. Anything else is getting as overly involved as she is.

This, does sound a bit petty drama fuelled.

And I’d do as @sweetpickle23 and others have said and then back off/down.

sonjadog · 07/11/2023 19:16

I wouldn't write anything more in the chat. What if Phil would really like to see these people and you are busying yourself stopping them from coming? Imagine being his girlfriend and you discover one of your friend's girlfriends, who you don't really know, has been getting involved in the decisions about the party you are organizing. I would not be impressed if I were her. Just send the girlfriend a short message, let me know what is happening on the other Whatsapp, and then leave it to her and Phil to sort out.