To stop friends turning up yo a party they aren't invited to?

[Yomuma]

DH and I have a bunch of mutual friends, including a lovely chap (let's call him "Phil")

Phil's girlfriend (who we don't know well) is organising him a birthday party. It isn't a surprise party, as Phil has apparently given her the names and numbers of those he wants there.
It sounds like a posh event, we've been asked to make food choices from a fancy menu etc. It is my DH on the chat with the invite on, but she apparently said to invite partners (so I am confident I am invited too).

The problem is, another mutual friend ("Sophie") as started up a seperate chat which includes not only some of those that are invited, but 5 poeple who are not. In fact, I'm sure Phil barely knows these 5 people at all and hasn't seen them in maybe 15 years. On this chat, Sophie has given out the details of the party, and suggested we all get an air BnB and go together. Replies have been along the lines of "thanks for the invite!" and "sounds great".

I feel like I am watching a slow motion car crash. DH says not to get involved, (I suggested he check with Phil's girlfriend / give her a heads up but he refused). I can't cope with the thought of 5 people turning up to (and paying accommodation for / travelling quite a distance to) a party they aren't invited to. The awkwardness when there is no food for them! The awkwardness when Phil is confused as to why they are there!

I have contacted 2 other invitees about this who are on Sophie's chat and they agree it is really awkward and cringe but don't want to get involved either.

AIBU to want to stop this carnage?

And how could I do it anyway without it being reaaaaallllly awkward?

Maybe she was asked to invite them? I would ask the gf if you're invited, just to make sure, then use it as an inlet to mention Sophies chat with other people

This is unbelievable. Truly unbelievable. You sound as if you're spinning out drama here Op.

Why on earth wouldn't you say - to friends - Look you lot, you can't just turn up at this party. It's invitation only and involves a sit down meal. II think you'd be gate crashing. Sophie I don't think you can invite people along, but if you want to you need to speak to X first.

Alternatively kick your other half up the backside, get the number and ring the poor girlfriend. FFS, I can't believe this. Reads like the opening plot for a book.

That’s why the subtle route works best.

Tell Sophie that she needs to tell the organiser that she has extended more invitations.

You've tried. Sit back and watch it blow up at the party now.

I hate people like Sophie. She doesn’t seem to be aware of the drama or cares. Surely a sensible person would realise a planned sit down meal at a restaurant can’t just take extra people that show up. It’s not like a buffet in a big hall.

This can't be real. If real, just back off it's nothing to do with you.

Major hyperbole here. How is it anything to do with the op? It's her husbands group of pals, just let them sort it

For the love of mike, just message the chat and say “this party is a sit down dinner where everyone who been invited and sent menus in advance. Sophie has just decided to invite you all along off her own bat.” And so what if Sophie hates you, she sounds like a prize twat.

Why cant you just post in into Sophies chat something about Phil's Girlfriend organising it and to check with her (or Phil?) regarding the menu. Like, "Have you guys received the menu choices?"

Just tell Phil what’s happened and let him decide. It’s his birthday party after all. If he doesn’t want them there all he needs to do is drop the uninvited guests a quick message - something like, ‘Sophie’s got the wrong end of the stick - I’m not having a party so don’t start making travel arrangements. It’s just a quiet sit down with a few friends and family. We must arrange a reunion soon though’.

I agree. Something needs to be made clear now before people pay for travel and accommodation to go to a party which they may not have been invited to.

A friend of mine often does the same with other people's parties/booked meals, etc. I told him to uninvite those whom he had invited to my birthday meal two years ago, and he had no right to do that behind my back. There was even a WhatsApp group for it which he had added his friends to, so I removed them from it as quickly as he had invited them. They soon got the idea they were not invited when they were no longer able to join in with the group chat.

People who act like my friend or "Sophie" like to be regarded as the social go-to who organises things: it is a form of control and pig-headedness really and says more about their personas than it does about the hosts.

unless Phil is actually Elton John, there's no way people he barely knows and hasn't seen for 15 years are booking flights and accommodation to come to a party. People don't even do this for weddings as pp said. This is nonsense.

Definitely say something to the GF AND tell Sophie, and the people in the chat who are no doubt feeling that they have got genuine invites!!
Do it ASAP, before people fork out money for everything and tell the people she has invited that they'll have to wait to see IF they are invited by the HOSTESS and NOT Sophie!!!

😂

It's Phil Collins.

Just tell Phil... today. So simple. Why would anyone not??

speak to Phil. Tell him what’s happening send him screenshots of the conversation. Leave him and his girlfriend to sort it out.

But that would actually be sensible, @frazzledasarock and involve direct conversation. There's no room there for terribly British misunderstanding, lack of communication and embarrassment, followed by years of seething resentment, drama and petty family feuds. I mean, where's the fun in that?

Just put on the chat ‘hi all - it’s my understanding Phil’s gf has messaged invitees directly! If you haven’t heard from her you might want to check you are expected at the party. Just trying to avoid embarrassment on the day!’ And leave it at that

To those saying “Nobody books flights and accommodation for a birthday party” - they might do if it’s been sold to them as a reunion, which I think is what Sophie has done. If it’s been fifteen years, they may think they’re coming for a rare, nostalgic get-together with the friends of their youth.

OP, I hope you find a way to message Phil or the GF. I’m thinking of that mum turning up with her child in tow, only to be embarrassed. I would find that painful to watch, not entertaining.

This just made me choke on my cereal 🤣🤣🤣

People are so flakey these days and some will cancel, maybe these 5 incredibly keen gate crashes will help the party along

Perfect

This is hilarious! Just speak to Phil.