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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop friends turning up yo a party they aren't invited to?

397 replies

Yomuma · 07/11/2023 07:38

DH and I have a bunch of mutual friends, including a lovely chap (let's call him "Phil")

Phil's girlfriend (who we don't know well) is organising him a birthday party. It isn't a surprise party, as Phil has apparently given her the names and numbers of those he wants there.
It sounds like a posh event, we've been asked to make food choices from a fancy menu etc. It is my DH on the chat with the invite on, but she apparently said to invite partners (so I am confident I am invited too).

The problem is, another mutual friend ("Sophie") as started up a seperate chat which includes not only some of those that are invited, but 5 poeple who are not. In fact, I'm sure Phil barely knows these 5 people at all and hasn't seen them in maybe 15 years. On this chat, Sophie has given out the details of the party, and suggested we all get an air BnB and go together. Replies have been along the lines of "thanks for the invite!" and "sounds great".

I feel like I am watching a slow motion car crash. DH says not to get involved, (I suggested he check with Phil's girlfriend / give her a heads up but he refused). I can't cope with the thought of 5 people turning up to (and paying accommodation for / travelling quite a distance to) a party they aren't invited to. The awkwardness when there is no food for them! The awkwardness when Phil is confused as to why they are there!

I have contacted 2 other invitees about this who are on Sophie's chat and they agree it is really awkward and cringe but don't want to get involved either.

AIBU to want to stop this carnage?

And how could I do it anyway without it being reaaaaallllly awkward?

OP posts:
TeaTurtle · 07/11/2023 17:12

Sophie is the twat. Just call or text Phil. Let him know that Sophie is inviting more people but if he wants to know more he can ring or you will discuss it with his girlfriend if he wants.

tabulaisrasa · 07/11/2023 17:17

I'd mesage the girlfriend back from your DH's phone and let her know what Sophie is up to - she'll be grateful to know and can address it with her. You can explain that you've tried to intercede and Sophie is having none of it, and you just want to give her a heads up in case she wants to take it up with Sophie herself. Then step away from it. (Why is Sophie being such an arse?!)

Strictlymad · 07/11/2023 17:27

Get dh to message with a really looking forward to party- be so nice to catch up with xyz, especially them making the effort to pay to fly over! Letting them know but without the dripping anyone in it! Then see what’s said!

Twazique · 07/11/2023 17:32

Its a bit odd that Sophie has added you into the chat too...

Pocketfullofmoonshine · 07/11/2023 17:37

Just add the GF to the WhatsApp group then she will see what’s going on?

BardRelic · 07/11/2023 17:39

Or alternatively, JUST FUCKING TELL PHIL'S GIRLFRIEND THAT SOPHIE HAS INVITED HALF THE FUCKING WORLD TO THE FUCKING PARTY

I'd do that. I don't really get all the pussy footing around and hints in conversations. Just get the GF's number, or find her on social media, and message to say 'Sophie's invited a few extra people. I thought you should know, as it seemed to be invitation only and these people are booking flights and accommodation' and leave it at that.

Sophie is either a clueless idiot or fancies Phil and hates his girlfriend. Maybe both.

PuppyMonkey · 07/11/2023 17:42

I know everyone is still saying to contact the GF and Phil but as you were intercepting the person booking flights anyway, couldn’t you just tell her “it’s invitation only - did you receive one?” Instead of fannying about telling them “it’s no kids”.Confused

Imagwine · 07/11/2023 17:47

Just put a message on the what’s app.

”Have you guys had your official invites and chosen your meals? Just a heads up if you haven’t, then better check with Phil’s girl friend before you start spending money on travel. It could get a bit embarrassing else and perhaps won’t be the nice surprise for him that you think it will be, if there isn’t enough space at the venue or if there aren’t enough meals. Will be lovely to see you all if the hosts are ok about it”

usernamealreadytaken · 07/11/2023 17:48

Yomuma · 07/11/2023 11:43

Thank you everyone for your advice!! This morning, one of the "extra invitees" living abroad said they were booking flights and hotel (!) So I contacted Sophie to ask if there were "crossed wires" over who was invited. She said those people haven't actually been formally invited and she hoped she hadn't "overstepped the mark" but she thought they would like to come (?!) I have said she really needs to check with the organisers first. I hope crisis averted!!

I think I’d add a message along the lines of “it’s a fairly formal seated occasion with menu choices having been requested, so best to contact the organiser if you haven’t received your options”.

Autumnleaves89 · 07/11/2023 17:50

sweetpickle23 · 07/11/2023 16:15

You do seem to be enjoying the drama of this OP, "have bought myself some time"- to do what? It's not your problem to solve.

It seems like the easiest solution is to contact Phil or his gf and just let them know what Sophie has done and leave it at that. Anything else is getting as overly involved as she is.

Agreed, this could have been so easily dealt with hours ago.

NutellaRose · 07/11/2023 17:55

ManateeFair · 07/11/2023 16:43

Or alternatively, JUST FUCKING TELL PHIL'S GIRLFRIEND THAT SOPHIE HAS INVITED HALF THE FUCKING WORLD TO THE FUCKING PARTY

This isn't the time for hints.

OP, Phil's girlfriend will not think you are mad and will not think that you are the one trying to invite extra guests.

Put yourself in her position. Imagine if you had organised an event, which included a sit-down meal, for your DH. And then suddenly a load of people you hadn't invited and your DH barely knew all turned up, having spent money on flights and accommodation, because Sophie had invited them.

Once you've murdered and dismembered Sophie, you then find out that actually loads of other people knew about this mad fuckery. But none of them had the courtesy to warn you. Instead, they just decided they would sit back and watch a nice event (that you'd put loads of time, money and effort into organising for your partner) descend into an awkward nightmare. How would you feel?! Because if you say nothing, THAT is the point where Phil's girlfriend (and Phil) are going to think you're mad.

Show quote history

This. 100% this.

And in case it's not clear....THIS!!!

MasterPretender · 07/11/2023 17:55

Why would these extra 5 people think they have been invited if they haven't been specifically asked by Phil or his girlfriend?

Surely they're not agreeing to come purely on Sophie's say so?

They sound as odd for agreeing (without an invitation) as Sophie does for asking them.

Eddielizzard · 07/11/2023 17:59

You can also say on the fuckwittery WhatsApp thread 'hey guys, a heads up here. GF sent us invitations with menu options that we had to rsvp with. If you haven't specifically had an invitation, you might want to give this some more thought...'

Personally I'd much rather a friend say 'hey this is invites only' so I know not to go than pitch up unwanted. Those 5 will be MORTIFIED. Especially the one who wants to fly over. OMG. Sophie is a total nutter. She's putting everyone in a very awkward position. WHY??????

MatchaWatcha · 07/11/2023 18:02

I agree with pps - I think Sophie is a shit-stirrer who maybe has held a torch for Phil and/or has it in for his girlfriend (if he's nice and affluent and reasonably sociable this is a common situation!).

She's playing innocent but knows EXACTLY what is going on (she was hoping no-one would notice her role, and she can engineer a situation with Phil and his partner being stressed out or even rowing on the day, and other people being humiliated and out of pocket whilst she sits back and enjoys the drama).

Give Phil and his partner a heads up.

GinAndJuice99 · 07/11/2023 18:03

Don’t put on messages about invitations and food choices. People will wonder why you’re trying to take over. You’ll look mad. The chances are they’ll be happy these people want to come but might need to rethink the plan. That’s not your concern. Again, your partner just needs to let the couple know so they’re in the loop.

MatchaWatcha · 07/11/2023 18:04

*to make it clear - Sophie isn't just being obtuse, she doesn't care about it being "nice for extra people to come". She knows full well it will ruin and disrupt the day. That's the goal.

AliceOlive · 07/11/2023 18:07

MatchaWatcha · 07/11/2023 18:04

*to make it clear - Sophie isn't just being obtuse, she doesn't care about it being "nice for extra people to come". She knows full well it will ruin and disrupt the day. That's the goal.

Yes and it's going to be high drama if the girlfriend is stuck dealing with Sophie and all of these people, too. What's she supposed to do after OP calls her and tells her about it? Have a showdown with Sophie? Demand the names and numbers of the extra people so she can contact them herself next? "So yomuma said that Sophie said that you were invited to the party. But you aren't. Cheers, bye, thanks."

theconfidenceofTrish · 07/11/2023 18:07

AliceOlive · 07/11/2023 16:25

I’d reply all and say “Yes we got our invitation from Phil’s gf a few weeks ago. Very sweet of her to plan this for him. I didn’t know she invited the whole crew. It must be costing a mint to have a catered meal for so many!”

Or similar

I'd say this and then nothing more - it's not your problem to solve and especially as your DH said to leave it and Phil is his friend as such.

sweetpickle23 · 07/11/2023 18:11

Not sure why you'd assume it'll be some sort of dramatic showdown @AliceOlive, or some huge undertaking on the gf's part- sounds like it's a dinner for a group of people, not a wedding for 200.

Phil might be more than happy to have those other people there- if they live abroad then maybe they never got the initial invite as it was assumed they wouldn't come- but the point is only Phil/his gf can make that call.

SpoonyBitchell · 07/11/2023 18:14

I'd be straight and post on Sophie's group chat that it's a formal event and invite only, so anyone booking travel should check with the organisers before booking.

Fuck Sophie, she's a dick.

AliceOlive · 07/11/2023 18:16

sweetpickle23 · 07/11/2023 18:11

Not sure why you'd assume it'll be some sort of dramatic showdown @AliceOlive, or some huge undertaking on the gf's part- sounds like it's a dinner for a group of people, not a wedding for 200.

Phil might be more than happy to have those other people there- if they live abroad then maybe they never got the initial invite as it was assumed they wouldn't come- but the point is only Phil/his gf can make that call.

Because anyone crazy enough to invite people to a party without permission from the person hosting it is likely to take issue when told it was inappropriate.
And because having to tell people "no, you aren't invited" would be stressful and annoying.

How would you react if someone you didn't know at all called to tell you another person you didn't know at all was inviting extra guests to a party you were hosting with pre-selected meals?

Hayliebells · 07/11/2023 18:17

If you don't want to be completely upfront about this, I would send the gf a message along the lines of "oh, I didn't realise X,Y,Z have been invited to the party, I didn't realise Phil was close to them but it'll be nice to see them". I don't know why your DH isn't doing this though, just staying out of it is bonkers.

sweetpickle23 · 07/11/2023 18:19

@AliceOlive But that's still assuming Phil and gf don't want the extra guests there, if they decide they do after all then no need to tell Sophie anything.

For the record I agree Sophie has been out of line, but I don't believe the OP can solve it- it's not her event.

Pipsquiggle · 07/11/2023 18:20

SpoonyBitchell · 07/11/2023 18:14

I'd be straight and post on Sophie's group chat that it's a formal event and invite only, so anyone booking travel should check with the organisers before booking.

Fuck Sophie, she's a dick.

Absolutely this☝

BatteredScallops · 07/11/2023 18:20

CheeseCakeSunflowers · 07/11/2023 08:14

I will call Phil's girlfriend Clare. I suggest putting a message on the second WhatsApp group, along the lines of "Sorry, I may be being a bit dim but I'm a bit confused, I know Clare is organising the party at the Red Lion but I thought it was being kept small and just for the people on the WhatsApp group she started. Are we talking about a separate event here that Sophie is organising? If so I don't know the details so could someone let me know, or have I got it wrong and has Clare invited everyone to the Red Lion now?"

That's how i would do it too.