To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

[PurpleLampShades]

I never thought I’d be needing to start a third thread but here we are. The first two threads have been a great source of support for me so I’m going to carry on.

First Thread
Second Thread

Long story short - DS (17) has been in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started when he was 15, though I have no proof as they deny it. This has been going on since at least March 2022. SS, the police and the DSL at his college have all been involved and things from that front have been pretty much exhausted. He has been on CIN and early intervention plans, been visited/spoken to by the police, offered workshops, counselling, contact centre etc. The main stumbling blocks are DS’s refusal/inability to recognise the abusive and toxic situation he is in and the resulting refusal to engage with services to extract him from it.
She is abusive, manipulative and extremely controlling. She has isolated him almost entirely from friends, family and hobbies. She is destroying his self esteem, confidence and self-worth. She controls his phone, who he speaks to, where he goes, what he does. I know she has slapped him around the face more than once and was seen to put her hand around his throat while they were kissing once. I don’t know if there are other incidents like that. The remaining protective factor is that he is still managing to attend college, although attendance is a bit of a concern.

I am at the point of not really knowing what to do now. I feel like I’ve lost him.

I've only just come across this, haven't read everything (mostly just your posts/updates), but as a mum of three grown-up boys I just wanted to say how heartbreaking I've found it, and what a great job you're doing OP. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

It sounds like you're making him aware that you will always be there for him, but I also think you were right to let him know you were hurt about your birthday, that you are not completely passive - you're human with feelings too. It sounds like that made him think a bit. A big part of him clearly craves the unconditional love that only his mum can provide, he loves you deeply, but he's still trying to live up to being in what he imagines is a 'grown up' relationship.

All you can do is keep your door and your arms open, keep inviting him for food etc, and hopefully he'll literally and figuratively begin to come round.

Op I am a long time lurker and frequent poster/name changer who made an account just to respond to you. My heart breaks for you, as both a mother of boys and a survivor of domestic abuse and coercive control. I was in your son’s position 14 years ago, my ex was incredibly controlling, he looked through my phone, my emails, opened my mail and would go mad if I ever saw friends or family without him and frequently tried to isolate me from them. He would also drive me to and from work everyday to ensure that I couldn’t go anywhere or see anyone else without him. It was absolutely suffocating and the most miserable time of my life.

Please do not give up hope - you are doing everything right. He is subject to intermittent reinforcement (the cycle of lovebombing and then discard/abuse) - it is incredibly difficult to break free from - I know. It took me 18 months of hell to do so & I am a university educated professional, with an amazing family and postgrad qualifications from Uni of Oxford. I was incredibly lucky - my best friend was in the police force at that time, in the domestic violence unit. She saw straight away that I was being abused and supported me throughout to leave him. But it was exhausting and frustrating for her, seeing me go back and forth, making plans to leave him, followed by (as soon as he got a sniff that I was checking out) intense lovebombing, proposals of marriage etc (as well as threatening to sabotage my contraceptives, so that I would get pregnant and be trapped with a baby) that would make me question what I was doing and back down. Your son will be doing the same, but I promise you he will escape and come back to you. I remember the utter despair and exhaustion I felt trying to get away and realising that that was my life ( it wasn’t). I remember leaving him and finally putting on music that I wanted to listen to and screaming and dancing with joy at the freedom I now had. Stay strong and stay supportive. You are doing a brilliant job and he deep down he knows it, he loves you and he will get away from her.

Just keep doing what you are doing. Listening and being a supportive and non-judgmental ear - it’s very hard, but I remember people judging me and asking why I didn’t “just” leave as if it was that easy and it didn’t help (or conversely making comments like “it can’t be that bad if you are still with him” - no clue at all about DV or coercive control). It made me feel cowardly, weak and pathetic which played into his hands.

Op

It's definitely starting to unravel and you being supportive and understanding is going to bring him back.

This won't last

Big hug to you strong mum xxx

Whenever you speak to him just keep reassuring him he can always come home and he will always have a place there and if he ever needs you to collect him you will.
Hopefully he is beginning to see the light. Deep down he must know this isn't how it's supposed to be.
At what age would he get control of the money from his dad's estate or will it always be for you to control?
Could she be holding on so tight to get hold of the money? X

I’ve only just found this thread purple having replied under a different name on your previous ones.

Im so sorry you are in such turmoil and that your DS is clearly distressed.

I think on balance you have to let it play out and just be there with open arms but also the odd bit of honesty when he chooses to get in contact. Which is exactly what you have done.

He has proved he can phone you or come round if he needs to and I’m sure showing you are aren’t at all passive about all this and are hurt and desperate to be in touch with him was a good wake up call about the reality of what is going on. I’m glad you didn’t give him the money.

Just be there, reiterate this is a painful to watch but you remain ready to support him or welcome him back when he is ready to leave.

sending strength.

Hi OP, I’ve been thinking of you and only just seen your made a third thread.

It sounds horrible to say but it’s almost progress that he’s clearly upset by her and it sounds like he’s starting to see through her, plus you being the person he comes to for help.

I really hope things have been okay the last week or so, will keep thinking of you and your DS

I keep waiting for the update, I hope he’s been in touch this week ❤️

Hello. Nothing much to update in terms of contact. It seems to have gone the other way again. Nothing since he phoned the weekend before last. I did find out from the nice football mum I see occasionally via her DS that he has a perforated eardrum at the moment. She didn’t know if he’s seen a doctor but he was sent to the college nurse by one of his teachers.

I was overthinking and worrying so in the end I phoned the DSL who confirmed that DS had seen the nurse, been advised to see his GP and that he had logged it in DS’s file. I wasn’t informed because DS wouldn’t consent to them phoning to tell me at the time, which is so frustrating as I’m still his responsible parent, but apparently they can’t tell us about stuff like that if the student asks them not to. The DSL said that DS is ok and the nurse advised it was a small hole and would self-heal. I am so annoyed I wasn’t told at the time. I could have used that as a reason to go to the college and see him.

Oh bless you. Do you think she’s found out he contacted you? Or maybe she’s punished him because he didn’t pay for a weekend away?
can you ask college if you can go in and see him anyway?

Symptoms of a perforated eardrum usually start suddenly after an:

• ear infection
• injury (such as getting hit on your ear)
• loud noise
• sudden change in air pressure (such as flying on a plane)

the second one is concerning

Oh how sad. I do hope he contacts you soon.

I had a perforated ear drum years ago from a terrible infection. It took about 8 weeks to heal.

I hope for everyone's sake that it wasn't caused maliciously

Im sorry purple that things have taken a step back again, but I am so glad you stuck to your guns and didnt give the money and said what you did. He knows you are there for him.

Hold tight Purple, I really do hope that he makes contact at Christmas.

It's still mind boggling, she is getting closer and closer to 30 but chooses to have a relationship with a teenager. I know back thread you mentioned she has no contact with her family. Do you know anyone who could point you in their direction? I wonder if she has done this before?

It could open a very interesting can of worms. Might be worth a bit of investigating, you never know, they might support you in your concerns for him?

Take care, keep us updated xxx

I’m sorry things have gone quiet again.

Did you invite them for Christmas this year? I know you’re loathe to after last year but it’s an excuse to contact him if nothing else.

@PurpleLampShades how utterly tragic for you and your Ds, so sorry and sending lots of love.

is it time to do something really extreme to save him, a hands on intervention, like in the movies?! All the standard official routes that you have tried to take don’t seem to be working and neither do the personal ones.

fake kidnapping type scenario to get him away from her? Do you have any friends or family who live at the other end of the country who could take him in for a few weeks or you go and stay with him somewhere far away for a while?

it just sounds like he’s in a very abusive and possibly physically abusive relationship, and if nobody else is willing to do anything about it, you can resort to finding other ways. I’d try speaking to a private investigator or security firm to see if they can help you to get him away from her.

you mentioned a trust? Is she expecting him to come into a lot of money when he’s 18? That would explain a lot!

I too wondered if she had her eye on his trust money. I remember you saying he couldn't access it until he was 25, which I know is quite some time away, but it had crossed my mind.

Someone mentioned a private investigator, it's worth thinking about even just to look into her background.

He's nearly 18, you can't force someone to do that against their will! The OP can't even get a call from college without his permission.

You can't force someone not to be in a relationship not matter how good the intention, he's making that choice to be there and if he didn't want to be he knows full well he can come back to his mums. At that age I'd have been even more adamant that I was staying in the relationship if my parent tried to kidnap me and make them choices on my behalf.

I was sad to read your update, Purple, and it must be such a worry for you. It must make you feel so powerless and anxious for him.

I really hope he comes to his senses soon.

Hope this week brings better news

Oh purple. So sorry things are still so hard and he's unable to see what a manipulative monster she really is.
I bet she took his phone charger to the spa. 🤬
But! He's taken some steps hasnt he? I feel he's going to see the light soon I really do.
You're doing amazingly well. I'd have hired a bloody hit man by now (joking!! Sort of....)

Hoping you get some communication again soon.
What his recent attempt to contact you and then drop you again tells me is that he knows you are there, he is aware there is money and he knows how to manipulate your feelings. That is quite sad in itself.

We are all with you Purple and wishing you all the love and strength in the world.

What will you do about money around Christmas? If DS doesn’t have very much in order to buy the girlfriend all the presents she will no doubt be demanding, it may lead to more contact with you (where you can express your love for him and being his safe place) or even some sort of horrible row between them which will precipitate the end. Really hoping this might be the beginning of the end.

The poor lad might well need some sort of counselling to help him come to terms with just how much she has been abusing him. What a vile specimen she is.

Hope you are as ok as you can be given everything purple?

There are a few odd comments on here which I hope you can pass by and ignore. Ill be generous and say they might have happened upon the thread late and without all the context but also some are just ridiculous.

Im sure you must be going over that recent contact with DS and the issues about money, him visiting and then silence again. I think the fact you had chance to reiterate you love him and your door is always open is crucial and won’t have been wasted.

There will be ups and downs and moments where he can see a bit clearer and others where the abuse and control blinds him to anything but doing her bidding and trying to make her happy or keep the peace.

But he only needs one significant moment of clarity and it may be nearer than you fear.

Any update @PurpleLampShades