To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

[PurpleLampShades]

I never thought I’d be needing to start a third thread but here we are. The first two threads have been a great source of support for me so I’m going to carry on.

First Thread
Second Thread

Long story short - DS (17) has been in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started when he was 15, though I have no proof as they deny it. This has been going on since at least March 2022. SS, the police and the DSL at his college have all been involved and things from that front have been pretty much exhausted. He has been on CIN and early intervention plans, been visited/spoken to by the police, offered workshops, counselling, contact centre etc. The main stumbling blocks are DS’s refusal/inability to recognise the abusive and toxic situation he is in and the resulting refusal to engage with services to extract him from it.
She is abusive, manipulative and extremely controlling. She has isolated him almost entirely from friends, family and hobbies. She is destroying his self esteem, confidence and self-worth. She controls his phone, who he speaks to, where he goes, what he does. I know she has slapped him around the face more than once and was seen to put her hand around his throat while they were kissing once. I don’t know if there are other incidents like that. The remaining protective factor is that he is still managing to attend college, although attendance is a bit of a concern.

I am at the point of not really knowing what to do now. I feel like I’ve lost him.

I wasn’t able to add the link to this thread in the second one so I’ve copied my most recent post to here.

There is no real update. No contact since I saw him at college. I was umming and ahhhing over putting a little note through their door asking if they’d like to go out somewhere for Sunday lunch at some point but I didn’t in the end because it may have caused problems for him. I know he is still going to college but his attendance has already dropped a bit.

From what I’ve heard from my little gang of watchers she is in a love bombing phase at the moment. She’s been driving him to and from college, bought him new clothes, trainers and phone (though apparently she’s also gone through it and deleted all female contacts, some of his male friends names also and put some controls on it, so he basically has her number and one or two others and can access what she’s allowed him to have, I wouldn’t be surprised if she has put a tracker on it too), been cooking and taking him out for meals etc. Quite what has happened prior to that to instigate this phase I don’t know. As I understand it, love bombing tends to happen after something bad doesn’t it? I torture myself thinking about things like that.

I’m really starting to think I’m not going to see him again. I just don’t know what else there is I can do? Where do I go from here? I spoke to a couple of charities and they’ve given advice, some of which I’ve already tried, some of which I can’t do if I don’t actually have any contact with him. I phoned and spoke to SS again, but they said the usual.

It was my birthday last week and I didn’t get a card. Last year he hand delivered a card. This year, nothing. I want to believe it’s because of her and not because he couldn’t be bothered. I think it’s over a year now, since I started my first thread. A year later and the second is full, and no positive progress to speak of. Do I need to start trying to accept this is how things are now? That I’ve lost him and just have to hope that one day he’ll come back?

Hi @PurpleLampShades, hand hold from me. I shared my story on one of your earlier threads. Stay strong, keep up with the texts and stay in touch with his friends. It's a devastating experience but you're doing everything you possibly can. Look after yourself, it takes an enormous toll physically and mentally so please take time out to heal and recover when you can.
Sending you strength and hugs, you will get through this I promise you x

I just wanted to say I am so glad you have started another thread and I am sending my absolute best wishes and support. He does know, on some level, that you are doing your best for him, I am sure. A dreadful, frightening situation. Please keep posting, even if you don’t have any ‘news’, so we can support.

I'm so sorry this is still going on OP. Hopefully as time goes on he can break free of her. I find her level of control staggering and its frightening that even the police/social services can do nothing to help.

Please take care of yourself

Omg poor you, and your poor son. Is their a possibility you could meet him at his college and talk to him?
Would he listen or is he too scared?

Im so sorry this is still going on for your son and you. Could you go to college again to see him? Try to organise something with their leadership team?

I'm sorry to hear this OP. I think I posted on one of your earlier threads.

My son is in the same situation but he's 23 now and I've not seen or heard from him in 4yrs. Older woman, etc, etc. I've no idea where he's living. He's at uni and I've contacted them but they won't help, they just offer to 'pass a message on' .

Just wanted to send you a hand hold.

I was on your other threads OP under another name, and I'm so sad that nothing has improved.

I think that all you can do is wait for him to come back to you. Maybe start writing him a letter each week and keep it in a box, so you can prove that you were still very much thinking about him and missing him if he ever says that you weren't getting in touch?

Her family/friends must be just as bewildered by all of this as you are. It's downright weird.

I'm so sorry for you and your son

Sending hugs PurpleLampShades. I'm sorry he's still there. 😔

As he's still attending college, I'd try and focus on that avenue.

Do his college offer any resources out in tutor group sessions? Eg maybe handing out a flier to EVERY student In the group about the cycle of abuse in relationships. And info on helplines etc. Even if he bins it as he leaves the classroom he will have seen it and taken it in. Little crumbs of knowledge to filter into his brain about abauive relationship dynamics.

I'd also maybe consider doing another impromptu drop in to college. If his attendance is patchy maybe you could check with a member of staff if he's in that day and then go in as you did before.

Just see him, tell him you love him, etc. Maybe you could take him some of his favourite sweet or snack, something he can enjoy during college time and not need to take home with him.

I think it must be so hard as a mother to just "accept" the situation. But it's not accepting it, it's acknowledging that that's the space he's in right now and he's not ready to change it yet sadly. And then taking as much care as yourself as you can too in the meantime.

Ask college too to put resources up in common areas. Toilet doors, classroom walls, çorridors etc. There's some great posters you can get that can be displayed for students to raise awareness.

https://mankind.org.uk/for-professionals/leaflets-and-posters/

OP I read all of your second thread. It's shocking and so sad the situation continues to this day. I don't have advice. I really feel for you. It's so hard for you to make any attempt to enjoy your life when something like this is hanging over you. I hope the situation improves soon.

Have you read both of the other threads? Your flippant comment is unhelpful. This is a tortuous situation for the OP and she's tried everything.

@PurpleLampShades my heart goes out to you.

I was here on the earlier threads, too, under a different name. Just to let you know that I’m also thinking about you and your son.

I’m sorry you haven’t made any progress and feel like he is slipping away. I know it must be so incredibly hard for you. I hope MN continues to be in some way helpful. We are all thinking of you @PurpleLampShades 💐

It's heartbreaking that he won't engage (but he won't feel he's being abused) so until then you've just got to try and keep in contact so he knows he can come home at any time. Did you send another phone into college via his friend or decide it was too risky ?

No advice but you clearly love him & I hope he ends the relationship soon

@PurpleLampShades

Contact Social Services again and ask them to re-open the case with a view to them looking for grounds to submit an application for an Emergency Protection Order. Maybe ask for a joint meeting with them, his head of year and the police.

If an order can be applied for it will allow the police to use their powers under Section 50(9) of the Children Act 1989 to recover him from her address and place him elsewhere.

Or contact a solicitor yourself for advice on the above. It only applies to those under 18 though, so I am not sure how beneficial this would be to you if it did come off.

Hello. Nothing really to update. Things are the same. No contact. But to answer some questions.

I’ve tried SS again but they say they can’t do anything now that he’s 17. They can’t apply for any kind of care order as he’s over 17 and not already on a plan or looked after by the LA. The police can’t do anything from a child protection point of view because again, he’s 17 so their hands are tied. There is basically nothing for children who are 16-17. Technically, they’re still defined as a child but treated as if they’re an adult. I have found that all of the child protection guidance and regulations only really applies up to age 17, unless the child is already under a protection order or in care before they are 17. My DS fits into neither of those.

The next piece of legislation if none of the child centred legislation applies is the domestic abuse act which applies to 16 year olds and over, but that also relies on DS actually reporting something or clear evidence / proof that the police witness. Me reporting what I think and have heard about means nothing apparently. I, someone or the police have to actually witness it or DS has to report abuse taking place to be able to do anything. There’s just nothing to protect him and other young people from this. This has really made me see that 16 & 17 year olds are really so vulnerable and have very little to protect them from harm and abuse. It makes it even more important to teach them this stuff early to reduce the risk of it happening when you can’t do anything to help. If I could go back to when he was 13 I would start there and really work on what a healthy relationship is, what makes a relationship unhealthy, signs of abuse etc. If you have teens, I would beg you to do this so you don’t end up where me and my DS are right now.

This is partly why I’m still toying with the idea of trying to make contact with and spend time with both of them. Maybe she’ll slip up and do something I can report but even then it probably won’t be enough. I just don’t think this is going to stop until DS can recognise and admit the situation for what it is. And I can’t help him do that if I can’t get to see him or have any contact with him. I haven’t sent another phone in because I think she’ll just find it again. If she’s checked his locker once and found the last one I’m sure she’ll do it again. I haven’t been in to the college to see him again but I think I’m going to have to. I just don’t want him to feel like I’m ruining his safe space for want of a better phrase. I just don’t know what to do for the best! I know what I WANT to do but I have to think about the impact it could on him. I am just at a loss. I know I keep repeating that like a broken record but it’s true. I feel completely helpless, just floating about doing nothing.

He’s been to workshops, had counselling, had college input on healthy relationships and boundaries over the last year as part of the early intervention stuff, but none of it seems to have sunk in or he hasn’t able to connect the dots. I wonder if it’s because this approach isn’t specific enough possibly, plus he didn’t really engage with any of it to be honest. He only went because he was made to. I also think because she blows hot and cold with him his assumption is he’s done something wrong or something right rather than seeing it as an abusive tactic she uses to confuse him and keep him doing what she wants.

This has gotten quite long now so I’d better stop, otherwise it will just turn into an even bigger rant. I am seeing my counsellor tomorrow so I be able to talk to them too. Thank you for the continued support.

I’m so sorry Purple. It’s more than frustrating that services were aware of this before he was 17. Also that an independent professional actually witnessed the throat incident. I keep thinking of you and hope you have your son back soon.

I can remember reading your first thread last year and am sad for you that the situation is worse. No advice but just adding to the shoulders of support.

What a horrendous situation for you
I think the idea of meeting them both for lunch is the best. idea. Could you invite them to a birthday lunch?

Kill her with kindness , be really welcoming. Open some doors perhaps?

He's being abused but he is naive about it and probably doesn't realise.

The important thing is to open communication and get a foot back in the door.

I'm so sorry Purple. I think of you often and hope your son finally tells a friend what is happening to him.
Does he have a college email address you could send him messages? Even fairly innocuous little paragraphs of news and sending love.
Maybe he would reply. The college may give you his email address if you don't already have it.
I hope your counsellor can support you through this.