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Original poster

To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

615 replies

PurpleLampShades · 01/11/2023 09:09

I never thought I’d be needing to start a third thread but here we are. The first two threads have been a great source of support for me so I’m going to carry on.

First Thread
Second Thread

Long story short - DS (17) has been in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started when he was 15, though I have no proof as they deny it. This has been going on since at least March 2022. SS, the police and the DSL at his college have all been involved and things from that front have been pretty much exhausted. He has been on CIN and early intervention plans, been visited/spoken to by the police, offered workshops, counselling, contact centre etc. The main stumbling blocks are DS’s refusal/inability to recognise the abusive and toxic situation he is in and the resulting refusal to engage with services to extract him from it.
She is abusive, manipulative and extremely controlling. She has isolated him almost entirely from friends, family and hobbies. She is destroying his self esteem, confidence and self-worth. She controls his phone, who he speaks to, where he goes, what he does. I know she has slapped him around the face more than once and was seen to put her hand around his throat while they were kissing once. I don’t know if there are other incidents like that. The remaining protective factor is that he is still managing to attend college, although attendance is a bit of a concern.

I am at the point of not really knowing what to do now. I feel like I’ve lost him.

OP posts:
Peridot1 · 18/11/2023 16:02

I think it’s pretty huge that he called you reverse charges. He really wanted to speak to you. Even though you refused to give him the money. He’s definitely reaching out. He’s taking risks to speak to you.

HaveSomeIntrospect · 18/11/2023 16:05

It sounds like you are handling it really well and it is good that he knew he could go to you.

Dont go to his place. If you do that the his focus becomes you and his anxiety about her coming home and finding you there. Him being alone and cleaning while she is out, will give him time to reflect on the pat year and how she treats him. Hopefully helping him to realise that she treats him badly and you are the one he knows he can always rely on.

CaroleSinger · 18/11/2023 16:06

As already said, this next bit needs to come from him. He is starting to see the flaws in this relationship, as hard as it is, giving him money will just paper over the cracks. It needs to fall apart for him to make the step he needs to make. I really think giving in now will be a mistake. He isn't quite ready to leave her yet. If you give him money now there will either be further requests or the contact will drop again for months. He clearly now sees that this isn't working for him. He needs to experience this, not be bailed out so he can just go back in denial.

PokeyLaFarge · 18/11/2023 16:11

I think you are handling this brilliantly, op

I've been reading for a while, but I never felt I had anything useful to say

But it seems to me from your update that the scales are falling from his eyes, finally. ..don't give more money...let this venal, tawdry witchvcontinue treating him like rubbish and he will come home

I really feel for you xx

Bonbon21 · 18/11/2023 16:33

Hold strong.... a crisis is coming... he knows you love him.. he knows you are his safe space.
Hold your nerve.. you can do this. x

cheddercherry · 18/11/2023 16:36

I agree with the above posters, I’ve been reading these updates for a while and I think you’ve handled what is a parents worst nightmare so well in such difficult circumstances. I think he is slowly realising that the glimmer is fading from her and his more frequent contact with you the last few weeks shows he knows you are a stable, safe space.

Loopytiles · 18/11/2023 16:52

Do not get her a gift or card. Don’t help him clean either!

ChristmasFullHouse · 18/11/2023 16:58

Interesting that he is strongly insinuating (to me anyway) that she ripped up the card he'd got for OP. Cards don't just "get ripped".

AproposofEverything · 18/11/2023 17:26

I think I would stick with saying next time you speak ‘there’s never any pressure from here. I’m worried about you and support you. You can come home anytime you like.’ Maybe tell him where a key is? I’m assuming he doesn’t have one. Reverse charges sounds like he has no access to money or a phone.

LakieLady · 18/11/2023 17:34

I think it sounds as though his infatuation is wearing off, @PurpleLampShades.

Maybe now is the time to keep reminding him that he is always welcome back, with no recriminations, if/when he feels it would be best for him to do that. It may also be worth considering letting him know that you wonder if he is truly happy, and if he feels confused about what he wants, maybe offer to pay for counselling for him so that he has someone to help him work things out.

coffeestrongblacknosugar · 18/11/2023 17:59

oh wow, that is a turn. Well done OP for standing strong. As others have said he is coming to terms on his own and that is all he can do. Stay strong, remind him you are a safe space and keep reminding him.

Laiste · 18/11/2023 18:16

I'd go round.

Offer to bring him home.

He night come with you, he might not, (be gracious if it's a no) but he'll know you're prepared to come and get him and he only needs to ring you and say 'yes' to make it happen.
Flowers

Original poster
PurpleLampShades · 18/11/2023 18:22

I didn’t go round. I was going to but ended up just driving around and then I went for a coffee. I really wanted to but he specifically said no when I offered to go there and I don’t know what would happen if she found out. He’s trying his best to make a nice night for her (as much as it makes my blood boil) and I don’t want to put that, or him, at risk. God, I just hope that this is the beginning of the end of all this. I don’t want to get too hopeful because I will be utterly crushed if this is just a one off thing, so I’m doing my best to be realistic about it. I don’t think this is the time he’s going to leave but I really really hope the blinkers now have a crack in them.

OP posts:
StopLickingTheDog · 18/11/2023 18:34

PurpleLampShades · 18/11/2023 18:22

I didn’t go round. I was going to but ended up just driving around and then I went for a coffee. I really wanted to but he specifically said no when I offered to go there and I don’t know what would happen if she found out. He’s trying his best to make a nice night for her (as much as it makes my blood boil) and I don’t want to put that, or him, at risk. God, I just hope that this is the beginning of the end of all this. I don’t want to get too hopeful because I will be utterly crushed if this is just a one off thing, so I’m doing my best to be realistic about it. I don’t think this is the time he’s going to leave but I really really hope the blinkers now have a crack in them.

Another who has been quietly following since the beginning here.

Hes contacted you more this week or so than he has in the last year. This speaks volumes. He will come back to you I'm sure. Now is the time to box clever though. Whenever you speak to him, keep reiterating that he sounds unhappy, and if he ever wants to come home, he will always be welcome no matter what. Leave a spare key somewhere hidden but accessible to him as no doubt he doesnt have his any more. You have no idea what poison she's been dripping in his ear about you. Keep reiterating that message.

I know you tried to see him at college and that backfired as she calls him at break times. Could you ask to be contacted by the college on a day he's in and go and see him during lesson time so you can actually talk to him whilst he's safe to do so?

Hickry · 18/11/2023 19:46

Oh Purple my heart aches for you and him.

I am so, so sad he used reverse call charges today to call you. I'm glad you suggested this to him and he remembered and used it when he felt it was safe to. Yes he's probably done a fair bit of cleaning today but he's also recognised it as an opportunity to reach out to you while she was busy for the day and that's huge.

You were right not to give him money, to talk to him about love and presents, and to not drive round there. You're doing the best you can in a very shitty situation.

I'd not go round there unannounced (or at all unless he asks you to). There could be a video doorbell, or CCTV, or even a nosy neighbour that's sympathies are to her not him. It's just not worth the risk.

The day I fled an abusive partner I'd planned it with women's aid, went during the day while he was at work, told no one, and found out months later he had a neighbour watching my movements who'd been watching me that day too. I'd lived there years and had no clue. If the neighbour had called or text him that day as he watched me load my clothes into a friend's car I dread to think what could have happened. So play it safe regarding their address is my advice.

I'd call in during college times and ask a tutor to pull him out of a lesson on the premise of admin need him or something. Quick five minute chat, "I love you and wanted to quickly say hi as I was passing, have this snack I know you love, call me or drop in anytime as I'll always be there for you".

It must be heartbreaking but hang in there.

OliveWah · 18/11/2023 20:07

I just wanted to say that I'm still here too. I can feel the love you have for your boy in your words, and I'm sure he could feel exactly the same when he spoke to you on the phone today - if only you could have reached down the phone and just pulled him to you. It's promising that he called you today, he was clearly sad and upset and needed his Mum, and you've done really well at ensuring he knows he can always come to you, that you will always love him, no matter what. One thing I say to my girls is that I love them forever, and that they, and no one else can ever stop me, and it's very clear from what you write that you feel the same about your boy - and more importantly, he knows this too.

What you're going through with your son is hell, but you are doing everything you can, and I have so much hope that he will come back to you properly one day soon. Flowers

CaroleSinger · 18/11/2023 20:16

I suppose there's one thing this has shown you. When she isn't breathing down his neck and he gets time to be away from her, he does still want to reach out to you. He must be all too aware that he can't financially give her what a man her own age could because he just doesn't have the resources. And the less he can satisfy her financially, the less appealing he is going to be to her. The imbalance here is enormous and it's incredibly unlikely to last a lot longer. The desire to want to be free again and not bogged down in this situation will eventually bring him home.

Didimum · 18/11/2023 20:26

I’ve been following your story since 2022, OP. So desperately sad. I hope your son comes back to you.

I was thinking of all the most outlandish things that would get this woman away from him. Including setting up a professional escort/honeytrap to seduce her away so she’d leave him. Crazy thoughts … I’m wishing you every ounce of luck and love.

Topofthemountain · 18/11/2023 20:42

Pleased you got to speak to him today.

I'm regard to the key, could you get a key safe fitted, safer than just hiding a key.

HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 18/11/2023 20:56

Keep all doors open, so that he knows he can come back at any time. people in abusive relationships are constantly afraid, but knowing that there is a safe place that he can run to when he's ready to escape is really important.

captainerdsbye · 18/11/2023 21:09

Might college be able to timetable a "catch-up class" or something for you to meet him in? Or hold a phone for him?

One thing to bear in mind, she may have things she knows about him or has made up, or photos of him that she's told him she will tell or show to you and his friends if he doesn't do what she says. That's pretty standard in controlling relationships, threats to make the victim stay compliant. it sounds like he's starting to see it, but explicitly reassuring him that nothing anyone told you could change how much you love him might be another straw on the camels back.

Thedogscollar · 18/11/2023 21:43

Oh my goodness @PurpleLampShades your post made me cry. I've been here from the start of your threads and my heart goes out to you.

Mothers are like a lioness with a cub we will protect them to the end. You are just bloody amazing with all you've put up with. I do think great progress has been made in that he called you and told you he hadn't forgotten your birthday.

He most definitely knows how much you love him, we all know, a mothers love is like no other. Hang on in there I hope your son will be back with you soon. Keep posting you have so much support here, we are all rooting for you both.💜

Sauvblanctime · 18/11/2023 23:42

i think you’ve made a hard, but good choice

the veil is slipping, still, don’t give him any money. I would still also stop claiming cb and pass it to her to claim

once she realises she can claim cb for her ‘boyfriend’ she may think twice as well

Justalittlebitfurther · 19/11/2023 08:32

Gosh @PurpleLampShades I’m so glad he called you. There is so much hope here. Keep strong 💐

Malificent1 · 19/11/2023 09:51

I read all of your threads last night for the first time, and felt like crying when I reached the end. I’m so sorry that you’re still going through this. And so sorry for your boy.

It seems huge that she feels comfortable enough to leave him home alone for the day. I don’t think this is usual at all? She’s very comfortable in her position of control, but perhaps too comfortable as I doubt it even occurred to her that he would use that opportunity to contact you. She thinks she has him exactly where she wants him, but he’s already testing the electric fence the second her back is turned.

I hope this is the beginning of the tide turning. She is getting sloppy, he is getting that little bit braver.

Hang in there.