To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

[PurpleLampShades]

I never thought I’d be needing to start a third thread but here we are. The first two threads have been a great source of support for me so I’m going to carry on.

First Thread
Second Thread

Long story short - DS (17) has been in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started when he was 15, though I have no proof as they deny it. This has been going on since at least March 2022. SS, the police and the DSL at his college have all been involved and things from that front have been pretty much exhausted. He has been on CIN and early intervention plans, been visited/spoken to by the police, offered workshops, counselling, contact centre etc. The main stumbling blocks are DS’s refusal/inability to recognise the abusive and toxic situation he is in and the resulting refusal to engage with services to extract him from it.
She is abusive, manipulative and extremely controlling. She has isolated him almost entirely from friends, family and hobbies. She is destroying his self esteem, confidence and self-worth. She controls his phone, who he speaks to, where he goes, what he does. I know she has slapped him around the face more than once and was seen to put her hand around his throat while they were kissing once. I don’t know if there are other incidents like that. The remaining protective factor is that he is still managing to attend college, although attendance is a bit of a concern.

I am at the point of not really knowing what to do now. I feel like I’ve lost him.

I've been following under various names Purple since very early , and I'm seeing some hope here.
It's absolutely devastating what you and your DS are going through, I am in awe of your strength! I know it's so tough, and I can't even begin to imagine how you've gotten through this.

Keep the lines of communication open, it's great he's been in touch (even if it was asking for money), but don't be afraid to tell him it's an abusive relationship and she is abusing him, and remind him he always has a home with you!

Thinking of you as always 💜💜💜💜

I’m sitting here with my car keys in my hand. I am so completely torn about whether to go round there or not. Is this my chance to get him to see sense? Or will it push him too far so he closes off again?

This part needs to come from him, Purple, and I would do exactly what you're doing. He knows you're there for him, and maybe next him he calls/phones just gently remind him that your door is always open. You can't push or rush this part, he's obviously starting to realise that it's not the great love that he thought it was. And if she's leaving him alone for a weekend, she must be loosening her control to a degree.

He's turning to you. That's such a massive step forwards. Let him take those baby steps back towards you. You've done all of this with such courage and dignity, and for that you should be incredibly proud of yourself.

Another one who is chuffed to bits for you that he phoned.

He needed to hear those home truths the other day and whilst today's call is a positive please don't let this derail you from the tough love path.

Just a thought, does she look a lot older than him, is their age difference very noticable? If so, I wonder if she felt too embarrassed to have a young looking lad share her room for a spa weekend?

It sounds like he is breaking and he needs his mum. At this point I wouldn't care anymore and I'd go around, say he can come home and open that door. That he is in an abusive relationship wether he likes it or not.

Hes scared of her. I'd be stepping on her turf now and showing you are strong and will always be there for your son.

Is that right or wrong to do that? I'm not sure but I'd have broken by now, you have been so so strong OP.

If she's got a RING doorbell or some sort of video surveillance, it could make things even harder for him. He knows where you are. Hard, I know.

go go goooooo mama!!

Is she out all night? There's something odd about him 'not being able to find his charger'

I would go, carry an envelope or parcel so if she sees you arrive on ring or whatever he can say you were dropping off a parcel, ask him if he wants to come home. I think he's seeing sense.

Sending you strength this must be awful

Oh, I didn’t even think of a ring doorbell. I don’t know if they have one of those. I should have asked.

If she’s on a spa day, she may not have her phone nearby to see any notifications anyway…

She’s out for the day, not overnight. He’s cleaning and then making a special meal for tonight when she’s back. I don’t know what time she’ll be coming back.

The parcel idea might be ok. I could drop off some champagne maybe?

Sorry I misread and assumed it was over night,

Champagne is a good call.

Hi op, I've never commented on your posts before but I have read them all and kept up to date.

I think if he broke up with her he would feel relief that it's all over. Maybe you can say to him to imagine how it would feel to break up with her and to not have to worry about upsetting her or doing things wrong ever again. Tell him that's he's clearly not happy and healthy relationships are not meant to be this hard and that he would feel relief when it's all over.

I think telling him exactly how you feel and how you've seen he's changed since he met her has helped and there is no point trying to be understanding incase he stops seeing you, you need to keep speaking your mind and try and show how it's controlling. Maybe print out info on controlling relationships so he can see for himself.

I think when he matures a bit more he will eventually leave he. He's just so young and has been easily manipulated by her and doesn't know what a good relationship is.

Good to hear he phoned you Purple, I'm really pleased for you, it's a move in the right direction, tough love does work!

I suspect he used a pay phone because she will check to see if he called anyone whilst she was away. I really feel for you, it's beyond frustrating that he can't see how abusive this relationship is.

I don't know if you should drive round to him, he mentioned making the house perfect and cooking a nice meal for when she returns so it doesn't sound as if he's in the frame of mind to leave just yet.

xxx

Sounds like there's a lot of hope to me.

Mmm in hindsight if you go round there it might push him to step away again. Maybe you can see how things pan out this week and call into college again?

Also the ring doorbell point is something I hadn't thought of...

I would just take every opportunity you can to remind him you love him and home is always there for him and he can come back anytime day or night.

Go get your boy!

I think he might be ready and it seems like now could be the best chance you have.

Best scenario is you help pack his things and bring him home or worst case is that he stays but he knows that you're ready when he ready.

I really hope he comes home x

WTF!!! it's just sunk in that he saved all that money and she took someone he'd never met, rather than him, to the Spa. She is all kinds of vile.

Thank God you didn't give him the money. Your hard earned wages would have been used to facilitate a day of luxury for your son's abuser and a complete stranger. Or worse, if her plan had worked, you would have likely paid for these two delightful ladies to have a weekend away on your dime.

This is PRECISELY why you should not, in any shape or form, fund this ridiculous "relationship".

This sounds like the one chance you have had for a while to talk to him without the risk she will barge in. Take a bottle or a present so you have an excuse and just tell your boy you'd like a cup of coffee with him in his home as your birthday present. Then tell him how much you miss him and love him and that life doesn't have to be this miserable. His bed and home is waiting for him.

I am refreshing like mad for an update 🫣🫣

Me too ...

@Sauvblanctime so am I. I hope everything's okay @PurpleLampShades.

The positives are that the things you have been doing to help safeguard him are working - he remembered the reverse phone call charges to be able to speak to you.

He wanted you to know know he didn't forget your birthday and this shows when she isn't nearby he can do something different. Very important information that when he gets some head space he can make other choices.

I am a bit unsure about the story of the friend, she seems to keep him under too close surveillance to maintain any friendships but if there is someone then there may be more chances for him to have time to think - which she doesn't sound like she usually gives. If there is no friend then its a way of punishing him isn't it. Except this one backfired because instead of wishing he was with her he took the chance to speak to you.

I think you have handled things very well - allowing him to speak, not telling him he is wrong and needs to get out its unlikely he would respond if he is still caught in the story by the sound of it. You could start to name the dynamic a bit - so when you offered to go round and he said no you could try talking with him about "the problem of he and you talking being misunderstood and how can you work together to prevent there being a problem by GF misunderstanding" - this way he doesn't feel the need to jump to defend her or pull away from you because you are telling him he needs to do something different. Its a way of joining together against the problem.

Please keep a diary of these incidents, dates, times and what is said. It may be useful in the future.

Do you have any contacts with someone in a domestic abuse agency ? I think it would be helpful for you to have some advice/support/guidance from a specialist who understands the situation you are dealing with. They usually have help lines and some have workers with a particular focus on males.

This sounds like doubts are starting to creep in for him. He needs to get there himself in his own mind and it does seem like pieces are falling into place for him.
Stay strong OP. He'll get there but he has to get there himself sadly.