To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

[PurpleLampShades]

I never thought I’d be needing to start a third thread but here we are. The first two threads have been a great source of support for me so I’m going to carry on.

First Thread
Second Thread

Long story short - DS (17) has been in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started when he was 15, though I have no proof as they deny it. This has been going on since at least March 2022. SS, the police and the DSL at his college have all been involved and things from that front have been pretty much exhausted. He has been on CIN and early intervention plans, been visited/spoken to by the police, offered workshops, counselling, contact centre etc. The main stumbling blocks are DS’s refusal/inability to recognise the abusive and toxic situation he is in and the resulting refusal to engage with services to extract him from it.
She is abusive, manipulative and extremely controlling. She has isolated him almost entirely from friends, family and hobbies. She is destroying his self esteem, confidence and self-worth. She controls his phone, who he speaks to, where he goes, what he does. I know she has slapped him around the face more than once and was seen to put her hand around his throat while they were kissing once. I don’t know if there are other incidents like that. The remaining protective factor is that he is still managing to attend college, although attendance is a bit of a concern.

I am at the point of not really knowing what to do now. I feel like I’ve lost him.

Her DS will be 17 now. Unless he decides to leave the harpy on his own accord, I doubt the authorities will intervene (unless abuse or assault occurs)

Keep checking back to see if there is any update. As a mum with a soon to be 16 year old son I am heartbroken for you as you sound like you and your son are both lovely people who have ended up in this awful situation.

Hi @PurpleLampShades like a few others posting here recently I've only just found this thread and I've read up to date with increasing horror at what you and your DS are going through.

I am hoping, against reason, that no update is because your DS is now back with you and you are busy with that but from all your previous posts I know that's not hugely likely.

It was lovely to read that your DS rang you and spoke to you when the GF was out for the day - sadly I would imagine rather than his phone being flat the GF had just taken it with her to prevent him using it in her absence, and he wouldn't use the landline (if they have one) as the GF could check that.

The perforated ear drum is, obviously, a huge concern and in light of that injury (and I have tried to check so apologies if this has been suggested already) you, as a parent, could use Clare's Law to see if GF has ever had any previous convictions/warnings/cautions for DV - this link explains how that works - https://criminalinjurieshelpline.co.uk/legal-advice/clares-law/

As I said, apologies if that's been suggested already.

Sending you strength and positivity and hoping that a good outcome is already here or coming very soon.

Thinking of you and your son, Purple

Hoping things have taken a positive turn for you both since your last update 🤞

Hi @PurpleLampShades

I stumbled across this thread yesterday and have gone back through and read 1 & 2.

How utterly devastating this has been for you.

Thinking of you both xx

Hope you’re ok op xx

Hello. Thank you so much for all the kind messages and posts since I was last here. I am so sorry for my absence over the last few months. I don’t even have a real reason except I’ve just been trying hard to maintain some semblance of a normal life and stop myself tipping over the edge. I so wanted to be able to come back and update with good news but that isn’t the case. It has actually got worse and today I found myself wondering how much further down it can go before we hit the bottom and whether once we hit the bottom, when or even if things might start getting better.

I have seen him just twice since my last post. Brief, fleeting meetings where he is distracted and not himself. Not the DS I know and remember. We’ve spoken on the phone once or twice, always with her in earshot, controlling the conversation. I think she lets him phone me when he’s pleased her, as a reward for doing what she tells him.

He’s gone from a happy, confident, intelligent young man to someone who can’t make simple decisions on his own, who constantly apologises for every little thing. He questions himself and his ability to make decisions or do anything. He has been conditioned to take the blame and be at fault for every little thing. He minimises her behaviour and deflects everything, changes the subject. He has finally dropped out of college. I always knew it was coming but had really hoped he would be able to keep going. I don’t know what he’s doing with his time now. His world has become smaller and smaller and now she is it. The only constant in his life is her.

He has had two more injuries since the perforated eardrum. A head wound requiring stitches in December and he has broken his wrist and is currently in a cast. Both were explained away as accidental falls. I only know of these because of his friend telling his mother, who then tells me. DS does not tell me anything and I don’t get informed by anyone in a professional capacity. I don’t know if any medical professionals have flagged any concerns. I hope they have but nothing has been done as far as I know.

I feel very defeated. Trying to come to terms with the fact that he has gone and might never come back. That I can’t prevent him from being hurt or his mental state from disintegrating. I will look into the inherent jurisdiction, though it will need evidence, which isn’t there. It’s not enough for me to just say I know it’s happening. They always want proof. They always want DS to say it. But he’s not going to is he? Sorry. This is a very bleak post. I have tried to avoid this but I can’t magic up much positivity at the moment.

oh lovely, I’m so sorry :(

it certainly sounds like he is being abused, mentally & physically

https://mankind.org.uk/help-for-victims/is-a-man-you-know-a-victim-spotting-the-signs/

Lots of helpful info on here, sending lots of love ❤️

I'm so very sorry, wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but have absolutely no idea where you go from here

I'm so sorry Purple, I've followed you from the beginning and this is heartbreaking, particularly the injuries he has sustained (thank God the friends mum keeps you updated). I feel very angry that there is absolutely no help available to you. It beggars belief that neither the police or social services can be bothered to put all the pieces together and forcibly remove him from her home. I wonder if his head wound and broken wrist would make them re-evaluate? xxx

Huge hugs

I'm so sorry.

Whilst refuge is a women's charity, I understand that they are able to link to some male services.

Language is certainly more gender neutral than when I last visited the website.

Could be worth ringing their helpline?

I hate to say it but it sounds so similar to the Alex Skeel and Jordan Worth coercive control case, especially with the injuries your son has sustained OP.

My heart goes out to you, don't give up trying to get help for him ❤

Really wish there was some avenue suggested here that you hadn't already tried.

I really feel for you op - what on earth is she doing to him? I've no professional experience in this but tbh I can't imagine a young lad with head wound and broken wrist would necessarily raise any flags. I hope I'm wrong though.

It's been going on so long I can't remember if you have spoken to the local police DV unit. They won't necessarily do anything now but at least it would be recorded perhaps if they are ever called or he decides to prosecute in the future.

I’m so sorry to hear this @PurpleLampShades

Please do consider help from one of the charities above even if only for yourself. I think about you often and wonder if you are getting any help for yourself.

Heartbreaking for you @PurpleLampShades.

I’m sorry that you are both going through this.

I've never commented before on any thread before on MN but just having read your posts, I was so sad to read what you've been going through and I just wanted to say what a lovely Mum you are and it is clear how much you love your son, and I'm sending a big virtual hug your way. I really will hope that things get better for you both x

I'm so sorry. Especially about him leaving college.

Can you hire a private investigator? They might be able to collect evidence that you could use?

Oh OP, my heart breaks for you and your son. My partner was also abused, controlled and isolated by a girlfriend at a similar age (she was similar age to him though). He still carries the scars, both physically and emotionally, but he has broken loose and is now in a loving relationship with someone who values and loves him so much (if I do say so myself) and his life has done a complete 180! So there is hope, there is always hope, you just gotta hold on and one day he'll be back to you and in a better place!!

This is heartbreaking. 😔 How old is he now Purple?

It might be worth a call to your local DV team to ask their advice. For example can it be logged with his gp and his local A+E that he's vulnerable and showing signs of being abused? I'm not sure if it can or not. Ask what do they advise people do if they have concerns about a loved one.

Is there anything the local safeguarding duty team can do or advise? I guess it will depend on age which team would be involved.

It must be maddening as well, I'd be wanting to abduct him and whisk him away from her. 😭

I'm so sorry Purple to hear this
I've followed you from the beginning.Your descriptions make me shudder.
We had a similar situation in our family a few years ago
One of my family members was recently divorced and lonely.He tried OND, and met a woman.My god I swear she was a narcissist.She gradually separated him from all of us, dictated what he wore who he spoke to, what he ate.It was awful but he couldn't see it.
He was 50 years old, so it's not all youngsters that get sucked in.
Anyway, eventually he had the strength to end it thank god .Took him years to get over it and 15 years later can't face another relationship.
One thing that strikes me is if your son was female would more be done about it.?
Good luck

Can you find her family, I know they have disowned her, but maybe if you explain the situation they could try and convince her that what she is doing to him is abuse. Clutching at straws here thinking of you xx

I have no advice or wise words for you @PurpleLampShades but im so very sorry to read your update.