To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

[PurpleLampShades]

I never thought I’d be needing to start a third thread but here we are. The first two threads have been a great source of support for me so I’m going to carry on.

First Thread
Second Thread

Long story short - DS (17) has been in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started when he was 15, though I have no proof as they deny it. This has been going on since at least March 2022. SS, the police and the DSL at his college have all been involved and things from that front have been pretty much exhausted. He has been on CIN and early intervention plans, been visited/spoken to by the police, offered workshops, counselling, contact centre etc. The main stumbling blocks are DS’s refusal/inability to recognise the abusive and toxic situation he is in and the resulting refusal to engage with services to extract him from it.
She is abusive, manipulative and extremely controlling. She has isolated him almost entirely from friends, family and hobbies. She is destroying his self esteem, confidence and self-worth. She controls his phone, who he speaks to, where he goes, what he does. I know she has slapped him around the face more than once and was seen to put her hand around his throat while they were kissing once. I don’t know if there are other incidents like that. The remaining protective factor is that he is still managing to attend college, although attendance is a bit of a concern.

I am at the point of not really knowing what to do now. I feel like I’ve lost him.

Îm new here and have just read all your messages and my blood is boiling for your son and you. Maybe this has been suggested but would it be worth getting advice from a solicitor specialised in domestic abuse/ abuse of vulnerable ? Just to see if there’s anything else that can be done? Îm so sorry you are going through this x

I'm so sorry to read this update. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you

Oh purple another poster that's been here from the beginning and I'm so sad to see your update. I was so hoping for good news.

I can't imagine your pain. Your poor son. I do hope eventually he will see this is so wrong.

Sending you a big hug 🫂 x You have been amazing throughout all of this.

Oh purple I'm so very sorry, I know how much you wanted him to stay in college.

Would you consider a private detective or trying to speak to her family? I don't know what else could be an option but the physical injuries would really make me frantic. A young healthy lad would not easily break a bone 😞.

I’m so sorry, Purple. I know it hasn’t helped so far but given the likely physical, as well as mental, abuse now (that they indeed noted themselves at the contact centre) have you spoken again to social services and the police? I think in the past taking a circumspect approach was to avoid him retreating completely, but I’m not sure you have that concern at this point

Oh Purple 😔 I'm just gutted for you and your poor boy.
Once again praying that he breaks free of her and comes back to you safely.

I'm so sorry to hear this.

If you haven't already, please contact his GP to flag up a concern. Hopefully this will create an alert on his record if he needs medical attention again.

I've been reading since your first thread but can't remember whether a request under Clare's Law was made. I know men rarely report women's abuse, but it's worth a go.

Geez @PurpleLampShades I'm so sorry to read this. Massive hugs to you. I honestly think I'd be at the point of going down the private investigator route at this stage, especially given the injuries 😔. Feels extreme to suggest and I've no idea if that's a possibility for you, but keep seeking advice, updating services on anything and everything relevant and banging the drum for your boy 💜

Given that things have escalated further, please consider giving ManKind a call. They have a helpline and specialise in supporting male victims of domestic abuse. They will be able to offer some solid advice. Also, keep reporting as things happen. Report that he's had two "accidental" injuries requiring hospital treatment. Report that he's further isolated after leaving college. Report that she won't allow him to take a private phone call. Safeguarding is usually about piecing together lots of smaller things to build a bigger picture.
https://mankind.org.uk/

Do you have a local domestic abuse charity? Try to involve them. It is technically possible that the 3 recent physical injuries are due to "falls" but highly unlikely .She is escalating the abuse. This can often happen in abusive relationships when the abuser senses the victim is pulling away and they are losing control. They escalate their behaviours to try to get the victim back in line.

This is worth a look, the DASH assessment is used by professional when assessing risk in abusive relationships. I know you can't ask him these questions but It can give you a guideline/pointers for things to look out for and things to include in conversations with police and DA advisers.

safelives.org.uk/sites/default/files/resources/Dash%20risk%20checklist%20quick%20start%20guidance%20FINAL.pdf

Police or an adviser from a local abuse charity worker (IDVA) can refer to MARAC (Multi Agency Risk Assessment Conference) even without your son knowing, and all the agencies (police, college, social services, GP, hospital etc) can share information and work out a plan to support your son, though he would need to engage with them which is obviously tricky. But it is really important to have all those agencies involved so they have all the information and are resources that can be pulled on if he is ever able to engage.

It is very very difficult for an abused person to leave the relationship. I think there's a stat that says it takes someone on average 7 attempts to leave before they are successful. Also, the point of leaving the relationship can also be the most dangerous. So in some ways your son's behaviour is entirely normal for someone in his position. It's not about you, in the nicest possible way, it's about him trying to survive and keep himself safe. Keep supporting him, keep telling him you love him and nothing can change that.

Sorry, garbled and disjointed!

For info;

safelives.org.uk/sites/default/files/resources/MARAC%20FAQs%20General%20FINAL.pdf

Also, just to make it clear, a perforated ear drum is an injury that commonly occurs after a blow to the side of the head. He's had that plus stitches to head plus a possibly broken wrist in the last 3 months.

I’ve been in touch with SS and the police VPU. Both have logged it but that’s the limit of what they can/will do. He’ll be 18 at the end of July. It just seems like there’s this void in the legal and protective systems for kids of this age. He’s a child according to some areas, but he’s also an adult in others, and none really know what to do with him so nothing happens. It doesn’t help that he doesn’t engage or talk to anyone and pretends everything is fine when someone does ask. I’ve spoken to a few charities and they are very kind and all, but the advice generally only applies if you can actually speak to the person being abused, which is quite hard at the moment.

The phone calls from him are always late at night. I think she makes him phone me then hoping that I’ll miss the call because I’m asleep so she can gaslight him into believing I’m ignoring his calls because I don’t love him or want to speak him anymore. I missed the last one at 20 past midnight, and tried to call back twice the next day but it wasn’t picked up. As a result I am sleeping very poorly nowadays just in case he rings.

I haven’t done Clare’s Law because a) I already know she is a risk towards him and b) I very much doubt there’s anything to find out. I don’t really know how a private investigator could help. I think I’ll look for a solicitor though. One that specialises. That’s pretty much all that’s left at this stage I think. Once/if he can admit and talk about it the avenues for help might open up a bit.

How engaged is he still with his friends from school/college, Purple? Are they still in regular contact with him, or prepared to put themselves out to try and initiate more contact even if they are rebuffed, or to ask more questions/show concern directly to him?

I just wonder if his peers might be the thing that breaks it all down for him eventually and shows him that this is not normal.

Do you know if they have a Ring doorbell or similar? If it doesn’t look as though they do I would park outside and wait until she goes to work / leaves. I guess that’s something a private investigator might help with (routines etc). Then go and see him.

So sorry to hear Purple 💜 it’s so heartbreaking and can’t imagine how hard it is for you. How horrible to only get these calls late at night.

I feel like now he’s left college that’s kind of your ‘worst case’. I am wondering if you could say he either needs to come home or sign up for another college course/employment - anything to get him away from her. I know it’s impossible when she’s there all the time and so controlling and you don’t have the chance to communicate.

Is there anyway you could ‘get him a job’, someone you know that could hire him? Maybe they could reach out directly to him and say they need someone. Something that would be hard for her to refuse for him to do. So could start with offering full time but then agree part time or something.

If it were me I think I would be tempted to stake out the house and wait until she’s gone before trying to speak with him. I think you said he worked before.

The next steps are up to you but there is always a ‘nuclear’ option. If she’s on social media you could gain access to this (even if setting up a false account to be accepted as a friend), then contact people she knows - especially family. Does she rent the house? Could you contact the landlord? Is he on the lease - say you have concerns about violence? Could you try and speak to the neighbours and ask if they’ve heard anything?

Could you get one if those bracelet/ watch things that buzz on your wrist if the phone rings so it would wake you ?Maybe you could change your phone message to something like ‘his name’ I love you please phone me back ‘ in case he listens to it.
I think I would go to a solicitor with a clear list of all the things that have happened so they take you seriously immediately. Don’t give up OP keep fighting ,you are a great mum .

I seem to remember he has a trust fund? Is this financially motivated, do you think?

I am so sorry to read your update. I would agree that social services support at post 16 can appear very hands off, even though legally he’s a child.

Ref the trust fund, I think you said it will be available to him at age 25? Under the circumstances, it would seem prudent to get this increased to 30 before he turns 18. I appreciate you may not have control over this but I'd definitely seek advice from a solicitor ASAP.

I've been on your threads under several names and I'm horribly sorry to read your latest updates. I can't even begin to imagine the horror of being so unable to get help. I would agree with PP's about amending his trust fund if you are able to.

Don't mess around with social media accounts. She's clearly a master manipulator.

@jhy you are such a twat

OP I am sorry that you are still in limbo. Your updates are so sad. I can't offer any advice to you or suggestions regarding the late night calls but I do wish you well