To think someone must be able to do something - part 3

[PurpleLampShades]

I never thought I’d be needing to start a third thread but here we are. The first two threads have been a great source of support for me so I’m going to carry on.

First Thread
Second Thread

Long story short - DS (17) has been in a “relationship” with a woman 11 years older than him that I believe started when he was 15, though I have no proof as they deny it. This has been going on since at least March 2022. SS, the police and the DSL at his college have all been involved and things from that front have been pretty much exhausted. He has been on CIN and early intervention plans, been visited/spoken to by the police, offered workshops, counselling, contact centre etc. The main stumbling blocks are DS’s refusal/inability to recognise the abusive and toxic situation he is in and the resulting refusal to engage with services to extract him from it.
She is abusive, manipulative and extremely controlling. She has isolated him almost entirely from friends, family and hobbies. She is destroying his self esteem, confidence and self-worth. She controls his phone, who he speaks to, where he goes, what he does. I know she has slapped him around the face more than once and was seen to put her hand around his throat while they were kissing once. I don’t know if there are other incidents like that. The remaining protective factor is that he is still managing to attend college, although attendance is a bit of a concern.

I am at the point of not really knowing what to do now. I feel like I’ve lost him.

@PurpleLampShades I have just read through all three of your threads with my heart in my mouth. I am so so sorry you're going through this. You sound like an amazing mother.

I echo what a previous poster has said about hiring a private investigator. Knowldge is power, and you don't yet know what knowledge about her might be useful. Find out about who she interacts with and her movements.

I have also just come across your threads. I’m so sorry this has happened and I agree, the law does need to be changed.

@PurpleLampShades I am sorry if this has been raised before and you've explored/rejected but, if you have access to funds, I'd recommend you seeking legal advice about civil legal potential options relating to ppl over 16 (ie the inherent jurisdiction of the High Court or the Court of Protection.) I am a solicitor and have applied for and obtained court orders to protect vulnerable adults who either lack the mental capacity to make decisions about where they live, contact etc (eg due to learning disability - clearly not applicable here, or MH issues) or who don't have a "medical" basis for lack of capacity but are subject to such coercion that they're unable to make a decision free of the "baleful influence of others " to quote the case law. These types of applications are often made by local authority legal teams on instructions from adult safeguarding social workers but can be made on behalf of family members.

I so hope this is the year that your son comes home Purple, it’s been very clear all along what a lovely mother you are.

Op, look into this

Another that has just stumbled across your threads. Really hoping there’s a positive breakthrough soon 💜

I’ve just caught up in your threads OP and my heart breaks for you. I can feel your pain and distress through your posts. I also want to find this woman and shake and slap her for what she’s doing to your son. As someone raising two boys, I feel for you. I have to wonder whether SS would be much more concerned, much more keen to intervene and much more supportive to you if the roles were reversed and this was a 17 year old girl and 27/28 year old man. I bet they would be. Hugs.

I can’t help but feel that if the genders were reversed and it was an older male treating a teenage girl like this then social services would be doing a lot more!

I also came across them and it’s absolutely heartbreaking ❤️. I really really hope your son sees the light this year. Your posts are so moving and my heart goes out to you. Any help you need - please say. (Can we go detective on her and try and find out more on her?)

@PurpleLampShades Please let us know you're ok if you can, OP 🙏

This is a completely inappropriate invasion of privacy - I’m reporting your post.

Wrong thread?

Sorry I thought the previous poster wanted people to try and find @PurpleLampShades but on rereading I realise she means the GF. Still not the right thing to do IMO but not the right response from me. Sorry.

Just caught up with you @PurpleLampShades I am sorry that things went the other way again. But although it seems one step forward and two steps back, there's always that one step forward.
I hope 2024 brings your son back to you and sending lots of love. Xx

Oh @PurpleLampShades I've just caught up with this thread. Heartbreaking that it's all gone quiet again. You did so well to be firm about the money and to tell him how you really felt and the effect it's been having on you. Him calling you the day she was out really does show that he knows you're there and have his back, regardless. Just wish we could forecast what it will be that finally makes him see the light voluntarily, but am certain when he does, he will be straight to your door, because you've done everything you can to secure that safety net for him. He knows it's there, but sadly it's an agonising wait for him to decide to jump.

I'd really encourage you to follow up on this info from @JennyMule. It makes sense to me, to look from the perspective of how free he is to make his own decisions. I imagine the threshold is very high, but it would certainly be worth looking at in more detail if you can.

I hope that you see the post from Jennymule and it is something you can consider.

Im sending you all the strength and wishing you a good year - and a positive outcome with your son, minus this awful woman in your and your sons life.

Still here and still often thinking of you @PurpleLampShades

Thinking of you Purple xx

I've never commented before as I've never really felt I had anything to add that hasn't been said, but read all your threads and think of you every now and then and hope to come back and see a positive update. I hope you're doing okay (and your son is).

Another one who hopes your son is or soon will be home and recover from this horrible abusive relationship.

Thinking of you.

I’ve never posted before but I’ve followed your threads since the beginning. You are handling this perfectly by maintaining contact while setting boundaries. I hope your son will soon be home and look back and realise he is so very lucky to have a mum like you.
I cannot imagine the pain you are going through.

I would urge you to read the information from @JennyMule Although he may not have a diagnosis of something that would mean we query his capacity to make a decision, the level of control and coercion means a court could step in.

Please do speak to a social worker and perhaps seek some legal advice as this is a very difficult area.

best wishes to you 💐💐

@PurpleLampShades

What is the inherent jurisdiction?

For the purposes of most of this note (except section F) the inherent jurisdiction is best understood as the ability of the High Court to make declarations and orders to protect
who have mental capacity to make relevant decisions, but are vulnerable and at risk from the actions (or sometimes inactions) of other people. It has been described as ‘the great safety net,’2 used by High Court judges to fill the gap left by the fact the Mental Capacity Act (‘MCA 2005’) only applies to those lacking mental capacity applying the test in ss.2-3 of that Act.

https://www.39essex.com/sites/default/files/Mental-Capacity-Guidance-Note-Inherent-Jurisdiction-November-2020.pdf

this is aimed at professionals but it is not overly complex language at the beginning

I think some commenting have missed the fact purple has had significant input from social workers.
there isn’t enough evidence of abuse in the face of a teen who has capacity and is denying any coercion or wrongdoing.

Purple tried every angle she could.

Forcing a legal intervention is highly likely to push her son further away from her and rightly she is focusing on maintaining whatever relationship she can with him so he has a safe space to return to if and when things breakdown with the the gf or he realises he has agency to leave.

I’m not criticising the OP who has done an amazing, cautious job with her son. I think she has done far more and far better than many. It’s clear she’s doing right by her child.

I don’t think she should push and force them down the legal path but she should be aware of it as an option if her concerns increase or change.

I agree there is limited evidence of abuse but there certainly is some evidence. Coercion is notoriously difficult to evidence. Coercive control is a crime but it is very difficult to prosecute.

Even when a person has mental capacity to make decision, the law says the high court can take action if concerns about coercion and control are significant enough. I think that’s useful information to know, if not acted upon.