Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How can my brother salvage this situation

1000 replies

missblooming · 27/10/2023 11:19

I'm a long time user, but have set up a new name for this as I dont want it linked to my previous posts. My brother moved in with his partner about six months ago and things were going great apart from one thing, she has a huge dog and it constantly causes rows between them. Things came to a head last week and he told her it needed to go or he would, and she basically said that's fine, my brother needed to go by the end of the month.

They were so happy together and made for a nice couple. My DB was getting his life back on track, and had hoped with his new living arrangements that he would get joint custody of my niece and nephew and be able to spend some more time with them- which would be great for our whole family.

The dog had been sleeping in the GF room when he moved in, which obviously he wasnt happy with so she moved it to a spare room, but when the kids come to stay they dont like staying in what they call the 'dogs room'. Obviously it lets them know where they are in the pecking order! My DB asked for it to go in the kitchen and the GF started to dig her heels in and its become a real bone of contention.

Apart from the dog, I have never seen my brother so happy. It seems a shame that a relationship can be ruined for such a silly reason. I want to help him salvage it, but not sure where to go from here. He has gone from indifference to the dog to being absolutely fixated on it as the problem- things like she'll spend £80 on a bag of food when he's trying to clear credit card debt and cant afford to take the kids to the cinema, he just cant see past it, particularly now shes picked the dog over him.

How can we help her see that she is being unreasonable, or how can my brother let this go? I really don't want him moving back in here, and it will also mean that he is further away from getting shared custody of his kids.

OP posts:
MermaidMaggie · 27/10/2023 12:19

OP how much does your brother pay in rent and bills to his GF every month?

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 27/10/2023 12:19

I really don't want him moving back in here

This is also very telling.

Why would he be moving back in with you? He doesn't actually have to live with a woman - he could get his own place and do his own housework.

And if he's such a wonderful great guy why are you so against him moving back in with you?

Coyoacan · 27/10/2023 12:20

TeaKitten · 27/10/2023 11:26

she'll spend £80 on a bag of food when he's trying to clear credit card debt and cant afford to take the kids to the cinema,

Good for her, she’s not a cash cow. Your brother has moved into her place and wants to push her dog out so he can clear HIS debts and stick his kids in. He needs to get his own place for his kids and spend his own money on his debts. Good on his girlfriend for telling him he can move out.

This. He sounds appalling. He wants her to solve all his problems

Ellie1015 · 27/10/2023 12:20

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:14

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

My children come before my dog. My dog would not be changing diet to treat new partners kids. They arent even her stepkids at this point.

He doesnt have the same disposable income as her. But her money should not be going on the children anyway.

Ideally they would save together for bigger place but it doesnt sound like brother in a position to do that. If he doesnt like current situation then he needs to move out.

I would not have a big dog sleeping in room woth children, presume it goes back into brother and girlfriends room when they are there? Being more subtle about calling it the dogs room might help.

Dontcallmescarface · 27/10/2023 12:20

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:14

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

Actually when you get involved with somebody who has children, you have the choice as to how much you get involved. Maybe the GF has decided that for her, it's not what she wants to do after all. You know people are entitled to change their minds and end a relationship that no longer works for them don't you? Don't worry though I'm sure there's somebody gullible enough to take the golden boy on.

horseyhorsey17 · 27/10/2023 12:20

The best advice OP is for your brother to move on from this woman - she's far too smart and strong-willed for him. He'd be better off throwing his efforts into finding a more gullible woman with her own house who can be guilt-tripped into getting rid of all her pets, paying for his kids, offering free child care and paying off his debts.

I hope he doesn't find anyone like that, for their sake. But he's looking for a meal ticket, not a girlfriend, so he's wasting his time with this one.

Thebigblueballoon · 27/10/2023 12:20

Jesus Lord.

FYI, there is a massive difference between a bag of £30 dog food and an £80 one in terms of quality, health benefits and taste. The dog is her companion and she can feed it bloody steak if she wants!

OnlyFannys · 27/10/2023 12:20

3 cheers for the girlfriend 🥳🥳🥳 she sounds ace.

BobLemon · 27/10/2023 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DriftingDora · 27/10/2023 12:21

Dontcallmescarface · 27/10/2023 12:08

The dog is treated like a prince whilst the children go without.

Well who's fault is that if the children go without??? I suggest your brother gets off his lazy arse and provide for his own children rather than expect someone else to.

I really don't want him moving back in here,

So if you don't want him, why the heck do you expect somebody who has no relation to his kids or, indeed him, to pick up the slack then?

This, in a nutshell. The OP doesn't want him, so somebody else has to pick up the slack. So he's paying off for a new kitchen - this shouldn't come as any surprise to him. Newsflash: er...if you borrow money, it needs to be paid back, mate (unless you can find a mug of a girlfriend who will go without herself in order to help you pay it off).

Blimey, there are some real princes out there. Perhaps show your brother this thread OP? Might liven him up a bit.

OfficerChurlish · 27/10/2023 12:21

She's already compromised by moving the dog into a spare room when, prior to your brother moving in, everyone was happy with the arrangement of the dog sleeping in her bedroom. If it's not suitable for the children to sleep in the same room with the dog (the spare room) then why doesn't he compromise and propose that the dog sleep in the spare room when the children aren't there, and in the bedroom when they are?

When the kids come to stay they dont like staying in what they call the 'dogs room'. Obviously it lets them know where they are in the pecking order! How old are these children? Unless maybe they're teens, I really doubt they've come up with this analysis/objection on their own. If there are real issues - the room's too small, they have allergies, they're afraid of dogs - those issues need to be worked through, but has he even tried getting them excited about sharing with the dog? It would be a plus for lots of kids.

If the relationship is so great otherwise, it's always an option to live separately and just date.

Notonthestairs · 27/10/2023 12:21

We spend only a bit less of dog food for a 10kg bag - it's lasts weeks and weeks rather than an afternoon at the cinema!

Knittedfairies · 27/10/2023 12:21

Turn this on its head OP; would your view be the same if your brother's partner had moved in with him and his dog, then thought he should get rid of said dog and pay for her children?

Sunnydays0101 · 27/10/2023 12:21

I think your real issue is that your family wants to be able to see these children more and are annoyed that your brother’s girlfriend didn’t facilitate this and you also expect this woman to provide a home for the children.

But none of it is her responsibility, she can spend her money however she likes.

Maybe your family could give some financial support to your brother ?

Bonbon21 · 27/10/2023 12:21

.. and in your post you say they are going without... a cinema trip...!!!
So they are not starving, naked or anything like.. they just dont go to the cinema with their father.. there are PLENTY of ways of entertaining kids WITHOUT spending money on them..
Caring for someone elses kids doesnt mean you have to completely change your life.. give up your dog... spend your money clearing debt...
You really dont want him to move back in with you.... do you?

HorseySurprise · 27/10/2023 12:21

Itsgettingweirdnow · 27/10/2023 11:59

Op…. This is dogsnet.. where animals are more valued then humans… Some of the posts I have read over the years are UTTER madness.

That aside, your bother does seem to be taking the piss in regards to dictating how she spends her money and how she deals with her children.

So all in all, your bro is BU.

What do you mean - her children? The children he is referring to are his, not hers.

Lizzt2007 · 27/10/2023 12:22

Itsgettingweirdnow · 27/10/2023 11:59

Op…. This is dogsnet.. where animals are more valued then humans… Some of the posts I have read over the years are UTTER madness.

That aside, your bother does seem to be taking the piss in regards to dictating how she spends her money and how she deals with her children.

So all in all, your bro is BU.

They're not her children, they're HIS ! Op and her db seem to think it's acceptable to demand she spends her money on treats for HIS kids, instead of good quality food for her dog.

Lovetosleep1 · 27/10/2023 12:22

This is crazy, she is 100% in the right. If my boyfriend moved in and started giving me orders in my house about my dog that lived there before him I'd be asking him to find somewhere else to live too.

HalliwellManor · 27/10/2023 12:22

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:14

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

So on that note what would happen if the GF asked your brother for half towards the dog food and toys,vet bills etc?,he knew she had a dog before he moved in so shouldn't he be paying and taking responsibility for the dog.If he expects her to pay for his kids then he should pay towards the dog.Works both ways.
I can imagine his response if she actually did ask him...

CalistoNoSolo · 27/10/2023 12:22

This has to be a wind up or a reverse because no-one is this lacking in self-awareness surely? OP, are you the girlfriend in this scenario?

anonimoxyz · 27/10/2023 12:22

4naansjeremy · 27/10/2023 12:06

Surely we need more information from the OP before we can decide if the GF is unreasonable for choosing the dog…

how much credit card debt does the dog have?

does the dog have an entitled batshit sister?

does she have to look after the dogs children?

everyone is very quick to jump on the OP here.

You've won the internet today 😂

GlitchStitch · 27/10/2023 12:22

Your brother has no business trying to get 50-50 care of his kids if he can only do so due to his latest girlfriend. If they break up then its the kids that get messed around and their routines disrupted. He needs to be able to provide for them separately from whoever he is dating at the time before trying to change their lives.

And his girlfriend sounds great. I would pick my pet over any man, especially one that tried to give me an ultimatum.

Thehop · 27/10/2023 12:22

She can keep her dog where she wants

what she spends on her dog has fuck all to do with your brothers kids. They're your brother's responsibility!

he's jealous the dog is better looked after than his kids that's on him not her

she sounds ace.

even you don't want your brother back so I'm completely with her, she should Chuck him out before she finds herself doing all the childcare aswell as having to make sacrifices to house his kids. He sounds a right plonker

KateyCuckoo · 27/10/2023 12:22

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:05

He absolutely does support his kids! He's a great dad, which is why he wants them to come and be able to live with him. He pays a fortune in maitenance to their mum, there just isn't then enough left for him to do treats like the cinema or even a Macdonalds when they come to visit him and he wants them to have a nice time. The credit card debt is a hangover from their relationship when they had a new kitchen- so again it is him supporting his kids and the mother of his children.

I can't believe that you are all saying that you would be happy to see your kids go without whilst an animal gets spoilt rotten! It's not about him being a 'cocklodger' she knew he had kids when he moved in- so I don't know why the idea that they have a room is so baffling? The dog wont know the difference of where it sleeps.

He loves his GF very much, he's devestated at the thought the relationship might be over. He just cant get passed the resentment of the dog. I had hoped for some advice on that, or helping them reach a compromise as another poster has said this is definetly dogsnet.

Show quote history

He cannot provide a home for them without a woman offering her home to him (you or the girlfriend).

You're the one saying the children are going without?

Buying a dog a bag of food isn't spoiling it rotten and even if she is, it's her fucking money! How dare you criticise her spending, it has nothing to do with you or him. She is upholding her commitments of providing for her dog and he is failing in his responsibility to his children.

littleripper · 27/10/2023 12:23

I don't like dogs, wouldn't sleep with one in my room and would be FURIOUS if my DC were treated as second best to a dog. So I did not move in with someone who had a dog. It's that simple. He is the problem here and you filling him with self righteous indignation is not going to help.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.
Swipe left for the next trending thread