How can my brother salvage this situation

[missblooming]

I'm a long time user, but have set up a new name for this as I dont want it linked to my previous posts. My brother moved in with his partner about six months ago and things were going great apart from one thing, she has a huge dog and it constantly causes rows between them. Things came to a head last week and he told her it needed to go or he would, and she basically said that's fine, my brother needed to go by the end of the month.

They were so happy together and made for a nice couple. My DB was getting his life back on track, and had hoped with his new living arrangements that he would get joint custody of my niece and nephew and be able to spend some more time with them- which would be great for our whole family.

The dog had been sleeping in the GF room when he moved in, which obviously he wasnt happy with so she moved it to a spare room, but when the kids come to stay they dont like staying in what they call the 'dogs room'. Obviously it lets them know where they are in the pecking order! My DB asked for it to go in the kitchen and the GF started to dig her heels in and its become a real bone of contention.

Apart from the dog, I have never seen my brother so happy. It seems a shame that a relationship can be ruined for such a silly reason. I want to help him salvage it, but not sure where to go from here. He has gone from indifference to the dog to being absolutely fixated on it as the problem- things like she'll spend £80 on a bag of food when he's trying to clear credit card debt and cant afford to take the kids to the cinema, he just cant see past it, particularly now shes picked the dog over him.

How can we help her see that she is being unreasonable, or how can my brother let this go? I really don't want him moving back in here, and it will also mean that he is further away from getting shared custody of his kids.

You expect her to be changing what she feeds her dog so she can put the money toward feeding your brothers kids, which he can't afford to do because of his debts?!

By getting rid of the sponging cocklodger (and his judgmental family), this woman has definitely got her head screwed on right. Any man who expects me to put my animals behind his kids can fuck right off.

I hope she's reading this. Stick with the dog, love.

Why are his children going without? Does he not have a job? My ex had big dogs while our dd went without because he didn't pay child maintenance, but the gf is not the parent of his children

No you DON'T!

You DON'T take on responsibility for someone else's children ESPECIALLY when HE is not doing it himself!

Have you considered maybe the dog has special dietary requirements and needs this specific food?

By the sounds of it he's trying to force this 'degree of responsibility' onto her, that she likely didn't want in the first place, and he needs to sort his own shit out.

Why are you enabling him instead of telling him his kids are HIS responsibility and so if he can't afford extras for them he needs to get a second job!

You are still not grasping that it is not up to your DBs girlfriend to spend her money on his kids. Her dog is essentially her child, and so she’s spending the money she works hard for on her own family first.

There’s generally a big difference between the quality of cheap dog food and the more expensive stuff. She has every right to buy the best she can afford to keep her dog healthy and happy. That has no bearing on whether your brother can treat his kids to a McDonald’s or not.

I also don’t understand why it’s obvious that when he moved in the dog couldn’t continue to sleep in the main bedroom. What’s his rationale for that? His DP was very accommodating to agree to moving the dog out to the spare room. I’m not sure I would have.

What part of they’re not her kids don’t you understand? Why the fuck should she pay towards his kids entertainment?

home truths here from a non dog loving outsider who wouldn’t own a dog through choice.

the dog was there first
its her house
she is not financially responsible for his kids
he sounds like a cocklodger
he is using her house and good nature to avoid paying maintenance and will probably use her for child care too
she is well rid
take the blinkers off

Your brother is the only unreasonable one. Did his GF realise that him moving in meant he intended for his kids to be there half the time too? Why couldn't he have the kids at his previous place?

So what if he's got credit card debt and she spends her money on the dog, the two situations have nothing to do with other.

Honestly if my partner moved in with me and told me to get rid of my beloved pet, got pissy when i spent my own money and expected me to play mum to his kids for half my life he'd be told where to go too!

I applaud this woman!

Its very simple -

Her dog = her responsibility
His kids= his responsibility
Her money = to be spent by her
His debt = to be cleared by him

That’s it.

Also £80 is what a bag of mid-range dog food costs!

This exactly

if the GF bought a 30 quid bag of dog food, the quality wouldn't be the same. But in what world would her having 50 quid more help your DB and his children? Should she spend her hard earned cash on 2 kids that aren't hers?

The best thing is if your DB moves in with you or your parents or a friend, or goes in a house share, and tries to pay down his debt.

Every single person is telling you that YABU for very good reasons. and your still convinced you're right! You and your brother sound like entitled cunts to be honest! Probably a wind up. Are people actually this dumb?

He moved into her and her dog's home, makes demands based on what he wants for himself and his children, and is the green eyed monster because he's in debt and she spends her money how she sees fit?

Can't imagine why she wouldn't want to live with that. Red flags everywhere.

They are not her children. She is not responsible for spending her money on them.

Your brother's girlfriend needs to realise that his desire to stay in this relationship has nothing to do with her; she's entirely replaceable in this scenario.

He doesn't specifically want her, he just wants someone to house him, pay for his kids, and touch his willy three times a week. Grim.

Re-reading your post, it suits you to have your brother living with this woman so you don’t have to house him, you expect this woman to support her boyfriend’s children, your brother saw moving in with this woman as a means to getting more access with his children, he objects to her pet and how much she spends on it, you want to make her see she’s unreasonable - it’s no wonder she’s shown him the door, good on her.

Perhaps the children's aunts/uncles could pay for some cinema trips seeing as they are related and have been in their lives since birth?

If in how ever many years, one of your brothers children worked hard, got a house of their own, furnished it, bought their own dog and took care of it and then met a partner who has no financial credibility, with spiralling debts, and children with an ex who have to go without certain things, who then moved in with them, started watching what they are spending their own money on and then demanded that it's them or the dog, would you say to your nephew or niece, "yes of course your partner is right. get rid of your dog and while you're at it clear your partner's debts and fund their children from the previous relationship".

Would you really say that to them? No you wouldn't but you and your brother are expecting this lady to do exactly that. You would tell them to reconsider the relationship and get rid of the partner and keep the dog. Your brother should be sorting his own affairs out. He should be standing on his own two feet. Taking care of his own children. Changing his working situation to provide for the children he brought into the world. The girlfriend is better without him and she will meet someone who deserves her, and that person is not your brother.

Sorry she INBU the dog was there first. He can't just expect her to get rid of the dog because he doesn't like it. Especially if the dog isn't aggresive and no issue being around children. Rescues are overwhelmed with pets with so many getting pet's over lockdown. Then realising they no longer fit in with their lifestyle or can no longer afford the pet. Would he get rid of one of his children because they don't get on with the girlfriend?

He lost her the moment he asked her to (A) pick the dog over him and (B) tried to get her to pay for HIS child and prioritise HIS children over her dog.

He’s not going to salvage this and all I can say is well done to her!

She could have spent this £80 on clothes, nights out with friends, travel, getting her hair done every month before he moved in. The fact it is dog food is irrelevant to your case.

All items above are 'less important' than human beings but he would still be totally unreasonable to expect her to stop spending on them and pay for his children's cinema trips instead.

I bought my dog a £30 dog bed today. That should be as relevant to your brother as his girlfriend spending on her dog. Neither she, nor I, are involved in bringing up your brother's children. That is between him and the children's mother(s).

when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them

@missblooming , this isn't remotely true. She isn't a parent. She isn't a step parent. These children are nothing to do with her and none of her responsibility.

All the responsibility is down to their actual parents. If your brother can't man up, his girlfriend does not have to step in on his behalf.

I thibnk your desperation to patch things up between them is to avoid having the cocklodger back at your house.

Your dbro priority should be his kids. That means BEFORE he moves in with a gf he discusses what the living arrangement will be.

How he will fully pay his own way in the home, what his hopes are for his children staying over, and the arrangements with the dog.

Absolutely none of his business how much his gf spends of her money on her dog (I wouldn't have feed my dog £30/bag crap - that can impact the dogs health), the same way it is none of the gf's business how much he spends on his kids.

If he cannot afford to move in and pay his own way, and/or they cannot agree on the living arrangements with the dog then he shouldn't have moved in.

His gf doesn't need any "help to see" anything especially when everything you want her to "see" is her pandering to his inadequacies.

Your brother thought he picked a doormat he could manipulate to get what he wants without putting any graft in.

He wants a place his kids can stay. HE needs to sort out accommodation, not shacking up with someone and then expecting her to change everything to accommodate them.

He wants to treat his kids to crap like McDonalds then HE pays for them. Acting like a morally superior spunktrumpet because his nose is out of joint over the fact his girlfriend spends money on her dog is just grim, unattractive and shows what kind of person he is. The fact that you think along these lines points to your parents failure I suppose, maybe you’re just both entitled twats though.

I am so glad she kicked him out, I hope she’s strong enough to see it through.

You want the best life for your brother and his children, support him to do better then. Don’t expect another fucking woman to pick up the pieces of his depressing, pathetic life.

Jumping the shark a bit here with your insistence on being this dumb OP.

You're ignoring everyone telling you the kids are NOT her responsibility.

Dogs, like humans, can have allergies, intolerances, or even just preferences regarding food. There are vast differences in quality of ingredients in dog food. She obviously feeds him a suitable food that works well. As is her right to do so. (I'm sure if he could manage the £30 bag she would buy that.)

Why don't YOU pay for the cinema trip and MacDonalds treat if you're so worried? Cough up your own cash!
By the way, those are both luxuries not needs. That you think he's entitled to use her money to TREAT rather than basic feed and clothe his kids (which would be bad enough) days a lot about YOU.