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Original poster

How can my brother salvage this situation

1000 replies

missblooming · 27/10/2023 11:19

I'm a long time user, but have set up a new name for this as I dont want it linked to my previous posts. My brother moved in with his partner about six months ago and things were going great apart from one thing, she has a huge dog and it constantly causes rows between them. Things came to a head last week and he told her it needed to go or he would, and she basically said that's fine, my brother needed to go by the end of the month.

They were so happy together and made for a nice couple. My DB was getting his life back on track, and had hoped with his new living arrangements that he would get joint custody of my niece and nephew and be able to spend some more time with them- which would be great for our whole family.

The dog had been sleeping in the GF room when he moved in, which obviously he wasnt happy with so she moved it to a spare room, but when the kids come to stay they dont like staying in what they call the 'dogs room'. Obviously it lets them know where they are in the pecking order! My DB asked for it to go in the kitchen and the GF started to dig her heels in and its become a real bone of contention.

Apart from the dog, I have never seen my brother so happy. It seems a shame that a relationship can be ruined for such a silly reason. I want to help him salvage it, but not sure where to go from here. He has gone from indifference to the dog to being absolutely fixated on it as the problem- things like she'll spend £80 on a bag of food when he's trying to clear credit card debt and cant afford to take the kids to the cinema, he just cant see past it, particularly now shes picked the dog over him.

How can we help her see that she is being unreasonable, or how can my brother let this go? I really don't want him moving back in here, and it will also mean that he is further away from getting shared custody of his kids.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 27/10/2023 11:32

I agree with all PPs!

If the ex GF wasn't spending £80 a month on dog food she would have £80. That wouldn't be your brother's money.

He needs to stand on his own 2 feet. It's not this woman's responsibility to provide suitable accommodation for your brother's children!

EVHead · 27/10/2023 11:32

It seems a shame that a relationship can be ruined for such a silly reason.

A dog is not a “silly reason”!!!

Totalwasteofpaper · 27/10/2023 11:32

Bluntly, your brother isnt in a position to be making demands.

He seemingly can't support himself financially, can't accommodate or provide for his children and has run up a load of debts he can't service.

What would have been sensible is calling it the spare room and creating a dog zone and bunk beds (most kids love dogs. ours sleeps with our DD on and off most nights and also in with us). Your DB needs to reframe his thinking.

She's accepting his kids he needs to accept her dog and trying to evict it to the kitchen when it's already going to be stressed by him moving in and again by his kids coming over isn't cool.

It's a two way street and from what you describe he is getting a lot more than he is giving.

fruitbrewhaha · 27/10/2023 11:33

She sounds better off without him.

WarmBeerAndSandwiches · 27/10/2023 11:34

So she’s told him to fuck off? Good for her. Tell your brother to grow up, fund his own accommodation and children and stop trying to mooch off women.

Totalwasteofpaper · 27/10/2023 11:34

notlucreziaborgia · 27/10/2023 11:32

So he moved into her house and promptly tried to throw his weight around and dictate to her about his kids moving in, her dog, and her finances.

Off. He. Fucks.

Edited

😅😅😅😅

This is also kind of how I feel about it

Londonscallingme · 27/10/2023 11:35

Dog people love their dogs, I am not surprised to hear how this has gone.

Duckingella · 27/10/2023 11:35

It's a red flag that he's moved in hoping her home can accommodate his custody arrangements;it's her home and her dog;I'd tell him to go rather than my pet.

Original poster
missblooming · 27/10/2023 11:35

He is absolutely not a bully. He would never say to her that she CAN'T spend her money like that- it is just one of the things that has really started to grate on him recently that he is noticing and feels unfair. There are lots of these kind of things that are just adding up over time. The dog is treated like a prince whilst the children go without. He isn't dicating how she spends her money, it is just what is adding to the resentment of the dog.

OP posts:
Puddycatfan · 27/10/2023 11:35

I don't know who this ex is or where she lives, but I'd love to be her mate! Good on her!
Hopefully she reads mumsnet....

Emma0987 · 27/10/2023 11:36

I wouldn't re home my dog in this situation nor would I change his diet for debt that doesn't belong to me.

I think your brother is being a bit unreasonable and to be fair it sounds as if moving in has been all too soon for them and maybe many discussions have been missed and need to take it back a step.

takealettermsjones · 27/10/2023 11:36

missblooming · 27/10/2023 11:35

He is absolutely not a bully. He would never say to her that she CAN'T spend her money like that- it is just one of the things that has really started to grate on him recently that he is noticing and feels unfair. There are lots of these kind of things that are just adding up over time. The dog is treated like a prince whilst the children go without. He isn't dicating how she spends her money, it is just what is adding to the resentment of the dog.

They're not her children!

gazpachosoupday · 27/10/2023 11:36

missblooming · 27/10/2023 11:35

He is absolutely not a bully. He would never say to her that she CAN'T spend her money like that- it is just one of the things that has really started to grate on him recently that he is noticing and feels unfair. There are lots of these kind of things that are just adding up over time. The dog is treated like a prince whilst the children go without. He isn't dicating how she spends her money, it is just what is adding to the resentment of the dog.

They are not her kids, if he doesnt want his kids to go without, he fucking pays for it

Tonight1 · 27/10/2023 11:37

Oh OP 😆

She's not a facility for your brother to use.

It's her place and her dog, not a rehabilitation centre for men. He needs to focus on being independent.

CirceIsMyHomegirl · 27/10/2023 11:37

Her ownership of her dog has nothing to do with your Brother's responsibility to care for his children. These two things are not related.
Tell your brother to grow up and handle his business.

AgnesX · 27/10/2023 11:37

The dog was there first. It's not ideal but that's the way it is. She has a responsibility to it. The next thing will be your brother wanting her to get the dog rehomed.

FuckingHellAdele · 27/10/2023 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

notlucreziaborgia · 27/10/2023 11:38

missblooming · 27/10/2023 11:35

He is absolutely not a bully. He would never say to her that she CAN'T spend her money like that- it is just one of the things that has really started to grate on him recently that he is noticing and feels unfair. There are lots of these kind of things that are just adding up over time. The dog is treated like a prince whilst the children go without. He isn't dicating how she spends her money, it is just what is adding to the resentment of the dog.

and that’s entirely his problem.

She is in no way responsible for his children. At all. He clearly does think she is obliged to contribute towards his children though, whether he’s speaking plainly on this or not. She isn’t.

What he needs to do now is move out, as he’s been told to.

Woollyjumpersandtomatosoupweather · 27/10/2023 11:38

Good for her!
He's a cocklodger - and you probably want her to support him incase he comes back to yours and you have to support him.
He needs to adult!

I'm Team dog/girlfriend!

FetchezLaVache · 27/10/2023 11:38

I really don't want him moving back in here...

Hold on a minute. Back in here? You mean he was living with you before he moved in with his GF and now will have no option but to return?

Is there some massive drip-feed coming about why your brother is apparently incapable of functioning without a woman to house and subsidise him?

And frankly, I only got as far as had hoped with his new living arrangements that he would get joint custody of my niece and nephew and be able to spend some more time with them before I felt that your brother might be a bit of a useless twat. He's one of those woe-is-me single dads who would love to see more of the children they made, but can't because circumstances are randomly and entirely unfairly against them. I doubt their mum has the luxury of opting out of her responsibilities!

Thebigblueballoon · 27/10/2023 11:39

Erm, no chance am I giving up my dog for my partner. Especially a snivelling sulker who things beloved pets are disposable.
A bag of dog food for £80. And? What do you expect her to feed it, thin air?

Toddlerteaplease · 27/10/2023 11:39

Your brother is the one being unreasonable. The dog as there first. He knew the dog was part of the package. If he doesn't respect that. Then he doesn't respect his girlfriend.

aSofaNearYou · 27/10/2023 11:39

missblooming · 27/10/2023 11:35

He is absolutely not a bully. He would never say to her that she CAN'T spend her money like that- it is just one of the things that has really started to grate on him recently that he is noticing and feels unfair. There are lots of these kind of things that are just adding up over time. The dog is treated like a prince whilst the children go without. He isn't dicating how she spends her money, it is just what is adding to the resentment of the dog.

Do they share finances? If not it is absolutely not her responsibility to contribute to his kids or his debt, his and your entitlement is absolutely staggering.

notlucreziaborgia · 27/10/2023 11:39

Londonscallingme · 27/10/2023 11:35

Dog people love their dogs, I am not surprised to hear how this has gone.

Tbf I’d choose the resident false widow spider over this dude.

Daphnis156 · 27/10/2023 11:39

Your bother is a waster and loser, and you know it.

And he's coming to live with you!

Hope you don't have pets!

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