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Original poster

How can my brother salvage this situation

1000 replies

missblooming · 27/10/2023 11:19

I'm a long time user, but have set up a new name for this as I dont want it linked to my previous posts. My brother moved in with his partner about six months ago and things were going great apart from one thing, she has a huge dog and it constantly causes rows between them. Things came to a head last week and he told her it needed to go or he would, and she basically said that's fine, my brother needed to go by the end of the month.

They were so happy together and made for a nice couple. My DB was getting his life back on track, and had hoped with his new living arrangements that he would get joint custody of my niece and nephew and be able to spend some more time with them- which would be great for our whole family.

The dog had been sleeping in the GF room when he moved in, which obviously he wasnt happy with so she moved it to a spare room, but when the kids come to stay they dont like staying in what they call the 'dogs room'. Obviously it lets them know where they are in the pecking order! My DB asked for it to go in the kitchen and the GF started to dig her heels in and its become a real bone of contention.

Apart from the dog, I have never seen my brother so happy. It seems a shame that a relationship can be ruined for such a silly reason. I want to help him salvage it, but not sure where to go from here. He has gone from indifference to the dog to being absolutely fixated on it as the problem- things like she'll spend £80 on a bag of food when he's trying to clear credit card debt and cant afford to take the kids to the cinema, he just cant see past it, particularly now shes picked the dog over him.

How can we help her see that she is being unreasonable, or how can my brother let this go? I really don't want him moving back in here, and it will also mean that he is further away from getting shared custody of his kids.

OP posts:
assignedmeowth · 27/10/2023 15:33

I'm confused.

The dog food and treats for the kids are 2 completely separate matters.

They're not married and the GF is not the mother of the kids.

Are you suggesting that she should be using her money towards the kids being taken out for treats?

I really don't think they should be pooling their money if he had 2 kids.

Judydoes2 · 27/10/2023 15:35

Nanaof1 · 27/10/2023 15:31

I think the "vote option bar" blew out when it hit 155% for unreasonable. It flew right out of the MumsNet window and is somewhere southwest of London now.

Show quote history

😂😂😂

momonpurpose · 27/10/2023 15:35

If he moves out all the better for his GF. You are over involved. You let him move in with you and you fix all his problems let the GF find some one else she doesn't need to fix

Elektra1 · 27/10/2023 15:35

They've been together 6 months and your brother "resents" her spending HER earnings on HER dog because he thinks she should use that money to help him out with HIS children? Good God. He sounds like an entitled man-child who should focus on servicing his own responsibilities in life. I'm surprised that as his sister you haven't pointed that out to him.

RedToothBrush · 27/10/2023 15:36

ripplingwater · 27/10/2023 15:09

Why IS it you don't want him living with you? If he's so bloody wonderful?

I wondered this too- it doesnt add up. The OP goes on about her brother being such a wonderful father, a prince among men, a caring, kind, lovely man. A poor, misunderstood little lamb who is only trying to get his life back on track (cue tiny violin music) Yet, she really, really doesnt want him back living with her.

WHY IS THAT?

Because the thread is really about how the OP does not want her brother freeloading at hers again but is too gutless to stand up to him.

So instead is trying to present the situation as if the gf is unreasonable so she can farm her useless brother back onto the gf.

The OP needs to see the problem is her brother is a feckless prick who uses and abuses women.

Spoiler: she won't

Littlebitpsycho · 27/10/2023 15:36

WeaselCheeks · 27/10/2023 14:27

Oh, I have a dog, he's such a good boy,
Large and furry, sweet of snout,
He is my pride and joy,
Then my fella moved straight into my house,
Said the boy had to go,
Jesus Christ, what the Fuck? Fuck right off, you louse.

THE DOG WAS HERE FIRST, PAY FOR YOUR OWN KID,
GET IN THE FUCKING BIN, DAVE, AND DON'T FORGET THE LID.

Show quote history

I am howling 🤣🤣

My vote for Xmas #1

Now please can the daily mail pick this up, the ex GF sees how much we all love her, names the cocklodger as a gift for all womankind - and my life is complete 🤣🤣

Tinkerbyebye · 27/10/2023 15:36

ZiriForGood · 27/10/2023 15:03

Unfortunately, there isn't much to salvage. His GF is immature dog lover, who prefers her dog over her people. That's a fact.
Either he finds a way forward accepting this, or they need to part ways.

(I deliberately use quite strong words here, to demonstrate that this isn't about which opinion about dogs is correct, it is about the incompatibility).

@ZiriForGood

where the heck do you get her as an immature dog lover from the post? She’s a very responsible dog owner wanting the best for her dog which she uses her money for and who she has compromised over in regards to sleeping arrangements

he on the other hand is an loser in the first order got loads of debt, no where to live other than his sisters or here, and is resentful of the money spent on the dog as it could be spent on his kids.

yes they maybe incompatible but it’s got sod all to do with her and everything to do with him

Ewock · 27/10/2023 15:37

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:14

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

Can you explain to me why you think the gf should be paying for the kids, which are not hers, special meals, food etc?
I do not understand why you feel it is up to her to pay anything for them.
Your brother obviously expects her to use her money to pay his debt/things for his kids.

whynotwhatknot · 27/10/2023 15:38

you cant be a genuine long term poster-you really think we'd all say what a lovely man moving in with his gf and after 6months wnats her pet out to make house for his kids bless

noone is that stupid

Miyagi99 · 27/10/2023 15:38

ZiriForGood · 27/10/2023 15:03

Unfortunately, there isn't much to salvage. His GF is immature dog lover, who prefers her dog over her people. That's a fact.
Either he finds a way forward accepting this, or they need to part ways.

(I deliberately use quite strong words here, to demonstrate that this isn't about which opinion about dogs is correct, it is about the incompatibility).

A woman with her own place spending her own money on what she wants to. Compare to a man without his own place wanting her to spend her money in his debt and his kids. And she’s the immature one?!

JennyJenny8675309 · 27/10/2023 15:38

This has me fuming! I’d throw the man out in a heartbeat. No way would I give up my pets—they are my family and I’m responsible for their care for their entire lives. He’s the one who needs to go.

Elektra1 · 27/10/2023 15:39

"He loves his GF very much, he's devestated at the thought the relationship might be over. He just cant get passed the resentment of the dog. I had hoped for some advice on that, or helping them reach a compromise as another poster has said this is definetly dogsnet."

As for this, it wouldn't matter if she was spending £80 a month getting her nails done, or on a hobby, or literally anything she wants. A 6 month-long "relationship" does not impose any moral obligation on anyone to support the boyfriend (or girlfriend's) kids.

adriftinadenofvipers · 27/10/2023 15:39

Cookiecuttercatastrophe · 27/10/2023 15:25

If the girlfriend had been willing to compromise a bit more and show some understanding about how the dog made your brother feel, then he probably wouldn't have felt pushed into making an ultimatum. Sounds like he was desperate. Those who say he knew when he moved in that there was a dog there are being unfair. He wouldn't necesesarily know how it was going to effect him until he was actually living there. She sounds a bit rigid to me.

I think the GF has already compromised more than enough. She isn't in the least bit rigid. What a ridiculous thing to say.

Maybe you would have her pay for his ex's new kitchen too?!!

I mean, "it's the dog or me" - how childish and entitled!!

I do hope he doesn't manage to change her mind.

He couldn't care less about her happiness.

BeeDavis · 27/10/2023 15:40

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:14

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

How fucking clueless are you going to continue to be? You’ve clearly never owned dog. You can’t just feed dogs any old shit. There can be allergies involved or just plain picky-ness. You’re actually infuriating hahaha

notlucreziaborgia · 27/10/2023 15:41

Cookiecuttercatastrophe · 27/10/2023 15:25

If the girlfriend had been willing to compromise a bit more and show some understanding about how the dog made your brother feel, then he probably wouldn't have felt pushed into making an ultimatum. Sounds like he was desperate. Those who say he knew when he moved in that there was a dog there are being unfair. He wouldn't necesesarily know how it was going to effect him until he was actually living there. She sounds a bit rigid to me.

Yes, desperate enough to make even more demands on the girlfriend he was relying on to house him and his children. I wonder if she even knew he intended to move his kids in for 50% of the time.

She already compromised over and above what she needed to. If he didn’t like how she ran her own house and finances the onus was on him to move out, not present her with an ultimatum he clearly, for some obscure reason, actually expected to win.

It’s not unfair to say he knew there was a dog there. He did. Again, if he didn’t like the reality of that, he was free to move out. Instead he overestimated her desire to keep a debt ridden, financially dependent and childed millstone, and now she’s kicking him out.

Desperatenow1 · 27/10/2023 15:42

Not much to say as everyone said it for me!

Off to the far side of fuck you go Dave

MermaidMaggie · 27/10/2023 15:42

The OP isn't coming back.

WhichPage · 27/10/2023 15:43

Sound like he was hoping her home was the route back to his kids 😳

Cookiecuttercatastrophe · 27/10/2023 15:43

notlucreziaborgia: "Yes, desperate enough to make even more demands on the girlfriend he was relying on to house him and his children. I wonder if she even knew he intended to move his kids in for 50% of the time."

Oh OK I didn't realise he was living there rent free and not contributing anything. That does of course make a difference. I suppose I also assumed she would know the kids are going to be staying there. Fair enough.

Ribena20 · 27/10/2023 15:44

Please come back and update @missblooming that the relationship is over for good, because I can't stand the thought of that poor woman being stuck with your user of a brother.

Gillypie23 · 27/10/2023 15:46

Firstly it's not your problem to sort. It's her house her dog. Why should your brother move in and dictate what she does with her house. He's a lodger.

Fourfurrymonsters · 27/10/2023 15:47

WeaselCheeks · 27/10/2023 14:27

Oh, I have a dog, he's such a good boy,
Large and furry, sweet of snout,
He is my pride and joy,
Then my fella moved straight into my house,
Said the boy had to go,
Jesus Christ, what the Fuck? Fuck right off, you louse.

THE DOG WAS HERE FIRST, PAY FOR YOUR OWN KID,
GET IN THE FUCKING BIN, DAVE, AND DON'T FORGET THE LID.

Show quote history

Crying 😂😂😂😂😂

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 27/10/2023 15:47

Sound like he was hoping her home was the route back to his kids

Nah, I reckon he was hoping that it was the route to removing his need to pay any maintenance and get another woman to look after his kids.

notlucreziaborgia · 27/10/2023 15:48

ZiriForGood · 27/10/2023 15:03

Unfortunately, there isn't much to salvage. His GF is immature dog lover, who prefers her dog over her people. That's a fact.
Either he finds a way forward accepting this, or they need to part ways.

(I deliberately use quite strong words here, to demonstrate that this isn't about which opinion about dogs is correct, it is about the incompatibility).

I don’t have a dog, and I don’t want a dog. I would abso-fucking-lutely choose the dog over this man. I would choose a housefly over this man. I would choose a steaming shit randomly dropped in the middle of the living room over this man.

He genuinely thought he could move in with his girlfriend and make decisions about her house and finances. The delusion!

Riola · 27/10/2023 15:48

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:14

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

OP, I’m definitely not a fan of dogs, I obviously wouldn’t be cruel to them but I just don’t want them around me to the extent I wouldn’t date someone who had dogs!

That said I wouldn’t date a man with kids either and this is partly because of the type of attitude your brother is exhibiting.

Her money is her money, unless we’re missing some critical information about him paying 90% of rent, food and bills? Or she has unrestricted access to his accounts and is spending all his money, there’s no reason her spending on her dog should affect his ability to pay for his kids.

I mean what would we he do if he didn’t have a girlfriend? It’s simply unfair, unwise and unsustainable for both DC and partner, for him to rely on her to financially support his kids.

If your brother was spending on a pet ahead of his kids, sure that would be a problem. However his partner OTOH can spend what she wants and if his kids are going without- that’s a separate issue for him to resolve.

He will need to stand on his own two feet and provide his own kids with a lovely dog free bedroom.

Yes, there’s an element of some responsibility if you move in with someone with kids but considering they’re not even married, I wouldn’t expect that to stretch to her reducing her spending on a pet.

If they share everything 50/50 and he’s also wanting to utilise some of her money out to spend on his kids, while not wanting her to treat her dog to a certain standard of living he’s out of order.

And this is coming from someone who is absolutely not a dog lover and would never have one in my house

As an aside, I’m also wondering if the reason he is so keen for shared custody is because he wants to reduce maintenance payments?

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