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Original poster

How can my brother salvage this situation

1000 replies

missblooming · 27/10/2023 11:19

I'm a long time user, but have set up a new name for this as I dont want it linked to my previous posts. My brother moved in with his partner about six months ago and things were going great apart from one thing, she has a huge dog and it constantly causes rows between them. Things came to a head last week and he told her it needed to go or he would, and she basically said that's fine, my brother needed to go by the end of the month.

They were so happy together and made for a nice couple. My DB was getting his life back on track, and had hoped with his new living arrangements that he would get joint custody of my niece and nephew and be able to spend some more time with them- which would be great for our whole family.

The dog had been sleeping in the GF room when he moved in, which obviously he wasnt happy with so she moved it to a spare room, but when the kids come to stay they dont like staying in what they call the 'dogs room'. Obviously it lets them know where they are in the pecking order! My DB asked for it to go in the kitchen and the GF started to dig her heels in and its become a real bone of contention.

Apart from the dog, I have never seen my brother so happy. It seems a shame that a relationship can be ruined for such a silly reason. I want to help him salvage it, but not sure where to go from here. He has gone from indifference to the dog to being absolutely fixated on it as the problem- things like she'll spend £80 on a bag of food when he's trying to clear credit card debt and cant afford to take the kids to the cinema, he just cant see past it, particularly now shes picked the dog over him.

How can we help her see that she is being unreasonable, or how can my brother let this go? I really don't want him moving back in here, and it will also mean that he is further away from getting shared custody of his kids.

OP posts:
Nanaof1 · 27/10/2023 15:15

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:05

He absolutely does support his kids! He's a great dad, which is why he wants them to come and be able to live with him. He pays a fortune in maitenance to their mum, there just isn't then enough left for him to do treats like the cinema or even a Macdonalds when they come to visit him and he wants them to have a nice time. The credit card debt is a hangover from their relationship when they had a new kitchen- so again it is him supporting his kids and the mother of his children.

I can't believe that you are all saying that you would be happy to see your kids go without whilst an animal gets spoilt rotten! It's not about him being a 'cocklodger' she knew he had kids when he moved in- so I don't know why the idea that they have a room is so baffling? The dog wont know the difference of where it sleeps.

He loves his GF very much, he's devestated at the thought the relationship might be over. He just cant get passed the resentment of the dog. I had hoped for some advice on that, or helping them reach a compromise as another poster has said this is definetly dogsnet.

Show quote history

We repeat, it is NOT the GF's job to treat HIS kids to anything. That is HIS job. He can go get a PT job and then he'll have money to treat his kids; though, luckily, it will not be at her house!

He doesn't love her. He loves the free house, and the expectation that she would pay for his children. Not her circus and not her clown car.

The dog comes before kids that aren't hers. The debt was not hers, so it's ONLY his job to pay it off. Being a GF doesn't mean she lets him have her money, her house and her life, nor the right to dictate anything about the dog.

"She knew he had kids....", you whine. Well, HE knew she had a dog.

Anonymouslyposting · 27/10/2023 15:16

Nope, this is your brother’s problem not his gf’s. It’s not her responsibility to cut her spending to support his children or debt payments and it’s not her job to provide a place for his kids to sleep (though it sounds like she is willing to let them have the dog’s room while they are there?)

He can either put up with it or move out. She shouldn’t have to change anything that she doesn’t want to.

I don’t even want a dog and I’d chose it over your brother, he sounds like a manchild.

VanGoghsDog · 27/10/2023 15:19

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:14

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

They are not her children.

If they "go without" that's their parents' fault, not hers. She can feed her dog caviar if she wants, it's nothing to do with how he supports his kids.

Nanaof1 · 27/10/2023 15:20

@missblooming "How can we help her see that she is being unreasonable, or how can my brother let this go? I really don't want him moving back in here, and it will also mean that he is further away from getting shared custody of his kids."

NOW I missed this the first time around. You don't want him moving back in with you so the GF should just toss her life aside for your NVDB, his debts and his kids.
It also sounds like he only wants them half the time so he doesn't have to pay his ex child maintenance. That makes him even a bigger wee whiny wanker.

coveredindoghairs · 27/10/2023 15:22

I'm still just sitting here wondering what's so special about this man that a mere girlfriend (not a committed partner or spouse) should be jumping at the chance to rearrange her life to suit his whims and help pay for the kids he had before he even met her...

Sounds like he's just barely getting his life together and doesn't have much going for him, at the moment, aside from what she herself is bringing... And yet he has the audacity to complain about her dog and give an ultimatum that no-one with a pet they love would ever consider!

He clearly has too high an opinion of himself.

TedMullins · 27/10/2023 15:23

I can’t believe this is real. Surely no one is this self centred! If your brother wants to house and treat his kids, THAT IS HIS RESPONSIBILITY. What’s stopping him getting his own place? His girlfriend is not a bank or a hotel, the kids aren’t her responsibility, her money and what she spends it on is absolutely none of his business and the dog was there first. She needs to dump him quick sharp. He sounds like a feckless tosser

Nanaof1 · 27/10/2023 15:24

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:14

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

No, actually, you do not. Not at the expense of what you already have and love, like her dog. In fact, until marriage, it's not her job at all, except for that which she would want to do. And depriving her dog of decent food so some dud can use her money to impress his kids was obviously not on her bingo card.

Guess you better make room for him.

Panackelty · 27/10/2023 15:25

She should change the locks quick.

Cookiecuttercatastrophe · 27/10/2023 15:25

If the girlfriend had been willing to compromise a bit more and show some understanding about how the dog made your brother feel, then he probably wouldn't have felt pushed into making an ultimatum. Sounds like he was desperate. Those who say he knew when he moved in that there was a dog there are being unfair. He wouldn't necesesarily know how it was going to effect him until he was actually living there. She sounds a bit rigid to me.

diddl · 27/10/2023 15:25

How can your brother let it go?

Well like any other adult-you just pick yourself up & carry on!

TheMadGardener · 27/10/2023 15:25

GF sounds great.

You and your DB are unreasonable.

She had the dog first. She is responsible for looking after her dog.

She is NOT responsible for looking after her boyfriend's children. He is.

She will be better off getting rid of him and keeping the dog.

SpudleyLass · 27/10/2023 15:25

Cookiecuttercatastrophe · 27/10/2023 15:25

If the girlfriend had been willing to compromise a bit more and show some understanding about how the dog made your brother feel, then he probably wouldn't have felt pushed into making an ultimatum. Sounds like he was desperate. Those who say he knew when he moved in that there was a dog there are being unfair. He wouldn't necesesarily know how it was going to effect him until he was actually living there. She sounds a bit rigid to me.

Nice name change Op.

Maray1967 · 27/10/2023 15:25

OP, I’m no dog lover, but even I can see that you are very wrong here. It is not her responsibility to sub him. She has every right to look after her dog as she wishes. He needs to get his act together and provide for his kids.

Cookiecuttercatastrophe · 27/10/2023 15:26

SpudleyLass · 27/10/2023 15:25

Nice name change Op.

Show quote history

I can assure you I am not the OP!

coveredindoghairs · 27/10/2023 15:26

Rigid? She'd already put the dog out of the bed. That's enough flexibility.

HashtagShitShop · 27/10/2023 15:27

Maybe it's "special dog food" as that's what the dog needs to eat. It was in our case we were spending approx 70 quid every almost three months (which tbf is only about 23 quid a month) on a bag of royal canin liver support food for my boy. He couldn't have normal dog food and it was what kept him alive and healthy for as long as it did.

No wonder you've never seen him happier than with this woman... He's expecting her to cut back on everything and get rid of her dog all to suit him and his children that are nothing to do with her in the long run. I would never have gotten rid of mine for anything or anyone. They made my life immeasurably better.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 27/10/2023 15:27

She sounds a bit rigid to me.

You say she sounds a bit rigid, I say she has healthy boundaries.

happyfoot · 27/10/2023 15:29

My serious advice to you OP is:

Better start making up your spare room now. He's baaaaack!

Oh and btw, you're both being completely unreasonable and entitled AF.

#TeamGF

Panackelty · 27/10/2023 15:29

The dog food is probably better quality and value than the MacDonalds he wants to use her money for …

Feellikeafailurenow · 27/10/2023 15:29

Your brother is the unreasonable one - the dog was there 1st. My dog would always have come before any new partner. She allowed him to move in and moved the dog into the spare room and was allowing his kids to come and stay & you what? Expect her to get rid of her dog?

he can find his own place to live if he doesn’t like it & she can spend £80 on her dog if she wants - it’s her money.

SpudleyLass · 27/10/2023 15:30

Maybe not, but actually, the ex was incredibly flexible. She already moved the dog out of the bedroom, gave HIS children a bedroom to visit him.

The issue isn't about the dog really, but how the brother has been pushing boundaries for far too long.

This was just a boundary too far i.e her money and how she spends it.

That is not being rigid, that is just common sense.

Op's brother sounds the kind of man who would use her to get 50/50 custody, so as to pay less maintenance and then have her do his childcare for him.

As others have said, what a prince!

Why is OP not the rigid one, they are literally OP's family!

Bunnyannesummers · 27/10/2023 15:31

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:14

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

But she is spending money on her dog.

Why should she be supporting his children?

If he wants the children to have treats. It’s on him.

Nanaof1 · 27/10/2023 15:31

LadyWiddiothethird · 27/10/2023 12:17

This AIBU,where is the vote option!

Sounds as if he is using his girlfriend for his own selfish reasons.

How dare he expect her to get rid of the dog!Typical man,what a waste of space they are......with the odd exception.

I think the "vote option bar" blew out when it hit 155% for unreasonable. It flew right out of the MumsNet window and is somewhere southwest of London now.

mbosnz · 27/10/2023 15:32

The dog is her responsibility. The house is her responsibility. Because the house is her responsibility, she is the one who has the authority/final say.

His debt from his previous relationship is his responsibility. His provision for his children, both in terms of maintenance, and when he has care of them, are his responsibility. His improvement of his ability to finance the betterment of his ability to provide for his children to the standard he wishes, is also his responsibility - one that his girlfriend declines to be a part of to the extent that he would like, i.e, displacement of the dog, getting rid of the dog, or lowering the way she provides for the dog in favour of his children.

Highlandsprocker · 27/10/2023 15:32

This cannot be real
Completely deluded!

GF has done the right thing in getting rid of this waster.

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