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Original poster

How can my brother salvage this situation

1000 replies

missblooming · 27/10/2023 11:19

I'm a long time user, but have set up a new name for this as I dont want it linked to my previous posts. My brother moved in with his partner about six months ago and things were going great apart from one thing, she has a huge dog and it constantly causes rows between them. Things came to a head last week and he told her it needed to go or he would, and she basically said that's fine, my brother needed to go by the end of the month.

They were so happy together and made for a nice couple. My DB was getting his life back on track, and had hoped with his new living arrangements that he would get joint custody of my niece and nephew and be able to spend some more time with them- which would be great for our whole family.

The dog had been sleeping in the GF room when he moved in, which obviously he wasnt happy with so she moved it to a spare room, but when the kids come to stay they dont like staying in what they call the 'dogs room'. Obviously it lets them know where they are in the pecking order! My DB asked for it to go in the kitchen and the GF started to dig her heels in and its become a real bone of contention.

Apart from the dog, I have never seen my brother so happy. It seems a shame that a relationship can be ruined for such a silly reason. I want to help him salvage it, but not sure where to go from here. He has gone from indifference to the dog to being absolutely fixated on it as the problem- things like she'll spend £80 on a bag of food when he's trying to clear credit card debt and cant afford to take the kids to the cinema, he just cant see past it, particularly now shes picked the dog over him.

How can we help her see that she is being unreasonable, or how can my brother let this go? I really don't want him moving back in here, and it will also mean that he is further away from getting shared custody of his kids.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 27/10/2023 14:57

She picked the dog over your brother. That says its about more than the dog.

Anyone who gives an ultimatum in a relationship, probably really isn't a keeper. Red flag.

Your OP says he's trying to control how she spends her money, when he has a big debt. He doesn't want her to spend money on lifestyle (her dog) because he can't afford to spend money on his lifestyle (kids to the cinema is lifestyle not essential). Red flag.

He wanted the new living arrangements to get joint custody of the kids (remember he's got so much debt, he can't take the kids to the cinema). Red flag.

He knew the dog was always part of the equation. He's thrown a strop over the dog being in the bedroom. And now his kids are throwing a strop over the dog being in the spare room. And he has the audicity to talk about 'pecking orders' in the house. The pecking order is that he thinks he can tell his girlfriend how she lives in her own house. Its got fuck all to do with the dog really. Red flag.

Never mind the fact that his sister thinks she should get involved in his relationship and try and sort out his mess. Red flag.

I bet your brother was happy. He thought he'd found a nice little set up her to install his brood. Except its not working and he's throwing his weight around with guilt trips and emotional blackmail.

Your brother comes waving a big red flag bunting.

Good for your brother's GF. She has 100% done the right thing.

Lets face it, you don't give a shit about the shared custody of his kids. This is cos YOU don't want him to live with you again (you can say no, its not convenient, and he needs to sort his own life out, rather than sponging off women).

Why IS it you don't want him living with you? If he's so bloody wonderful?

Seriously tell him, he can't move back in. Cos thats REALLY what this thread is about - the fact you haven't got the backbone to say no to him.

The GF did after seeing through him. Its about time you did too.

NumbersEverywhere · 27/10/2023 14:58

The entitlement beggars belief. Btw, it's not Dogsnet - I don't like dogs and find people who talk about their dogs as if they were children irritating. However, this case is clear cut. She knew he had kids - he knew she had a dog. Absolutely astounding that you and your brother think she should get rid of her dog and spend her money on McDonald's and cinema trips for HIS children. What planet do you live on? I'm glad she's told him to sling his hook - absolutely ridiculous. His kids, his responsibility to treat them. He can't treat them now, by your own admission, but somehow thinks that now he is living in this woman's house, she should facilitate this for him, to the extent of getting rid of her dog or changing the food she gives it? Utterly entitled and bizarre. He is the very definition of a cocklodger. HTH.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 27/10/2023 14:58

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:14

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

Um, no you don't.

Lots of people have all kinds of 'relationships' with people with children. That doesn't make them responsible for other people's children financially.

WiIIow · 27/10/2023 14:58

You and your DB are so unreasonable. She lives with her dog, he moves in. He wants the dog moved to where he wants. He wants the dogs meals changing. He wants stability in her home for his kids. He sounds like a catch 🤣🤣

paintingvenice · 27/10/2023 14:59

MrsRachelDanvers · 27/10/2023 14:56

It’s not unreasonable to expect a dog to sleep in a kitchen if it has a decent bed. I wouldn’t expect a partner to let his dog sleep in our bedroom.

Which is why she moved it into the spare room at his request…the problem is that that isn’t enough because he now wants the spare room for his kids, and for her to pay down his debt so he can act like a hero and treat the kids to trips to the cinema and keep paying for his ex new kitchen.

BardRelic · 27/10/2023 15:02

I can't believe that you are all saying that you would be happy to see your kids go without whilst an animal gets spoilt rotten! It's not about him being a 'cocklodger' she knew he had kids when he moved in- so I don't know why the idea that they have a room is so baffling? The dog wont know the difference of where it sleeps.

OK, if you genuinely want help - and I appreciate that for such a short word, 'if' is doing a lot of work here - then here are a few hints.

Stop referring to the dog as 'it'. The dog will be him or her. Get your head around the fact that the dog is a living being that the girlfriend cares about, not a disposable lump of meat to be pushed around. The dog absolutely will know if s/he is being displaced. Dogs are actually exceptionally good at reading these situations and it will be important to the dog where s/he sleeps.

How the gf cares for her dog is separate from how your brother cares for his children. They are not interlinked things. There is no pie being shared between them. The gf should take good care of her dog. Your brother should take good care of his children. All that's happened here is that the GF's level of care and responsibility has highlighted your brother's fecklessness. You don't fix this by depriving the dog. You fix it by having your brother step up and take responsibility.

The reason your brother resents the dog is because it's easier to point the finger of blame in that direction than reflect on his own faults. If it weren't the dog, he'd be looking elsewhere. He needs to take responsibility and fix things himself, not blame anyone else. He's getting a good deal anyway, finding a gf with a home that he can move into. So he needs to budget better and/ or work harder if he wants more money, not throw his toys out of his pram because his gf looks after her dog properly, highlighting the fact that he can't look after his kids.

crumblingschools · 27/10/2023 15:02

How much does he pay in maintenance? Where was he living before?

Passepartoute · 27/10/2023 15:02

How can we help her see that she is being unreasonable, or how can my brother let this go? I really don't want him moving back in here, and it will also mean that he is further away from getting shared custody of his kids.

Why would he have to move back in with you? Why can't he stand on his own two feet?

ZiriForGood · 27/10/2023 15:03

Unfortunately, there isn't much to salvage. His GF is immature dog lover, who prefers her dog over her people. That's a fact.
Either he finds a way forward accepting this, or they need to part ways.

(I deliberately use quite strong words here, to demonstrate that this isn't about which opinion about dogs is correct, it is about the incompatibility).

coveredindoghairs · 27/10/2023 15:04

Honestly, I think this relationship is doomed. Better to accept it now and move on.

I'd not look kindly on a boyfriend trying to dictate how I spent my money, used the rooms of my home, or dealt with my dog. If he dared try tell me to get rid of my dog, I'd be so disgusted with him that I'd kick him out and never look back. There would be no salvaging unless effective grovelling convinced me that it was a moment of madness not to be repeated.

Your brother needs to learn his lesson now, in case his next girlfriend also has a dog (and a backbone).

Lentilweaver · 27/10/2023 15:04

ZiriForGood · 27/10/2023 15:03

Unfortunately, there isn't much to salvage. His GF is immature dog lover, who prefers her dog over her people. That's a fact.
Either he finds a way forward accepting this, or they need to part ways.

(I deliberately use quite strong words here, to demonstrate that this isn't about which opinion about dogs is correct, it is about the incompatibility).

Her people? The kids are not her people. They are his responsibiity. The dog is her people.

Lovemusic82 · 27/10/2023 15:05

Maybe you should see your brother for who he really is?

He moved into her home in hope it would help him get 50/50 custody’s of his kids? So not only did he move into her home he wanted to move his kids in too. Then he demanded she got rid of the dog or he would leave. She kicks him out. I think she had a lucky escape. Your brother needs to sort his life out and stop relying on other people. He should get his own place and fight to get 50/50 custody for his kids on his own. I hope his no ex has a great life with her dog, dogs are much easier than needy men.

MrsRachelDanvers · 27/10/2023 15:05

paintingvenice · 27/10/2023 14:59

Which is why she moved it into the spare room at his request…the problem is that that isn’t enough because he now wants the spare room for his kids, and for her to pay down his debt so he can act like a hero and treat the kids to trips to the cinema and keep paying for his ex new kitchen.

Show quote history

Yes you’re right-didn’t read it properly. She should keep her dog-she’s not there to provide for his children. Sounds like her dog is a better companion.

RedToothBrush · 27/10/2023 15:06

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 27/10/2023 14:38

But I don't understand, OP. He's clearly an absolutely amazing guy with a hag of an ex. You should definitely take him and his kids in! Then you can spend your money on his kids, take them to ciniema, McD's, everywhere, foregoing treats for yourself, your kids, pets, what have you. He deserves it. His kids deserve it. Such an amazing man, selflessly paying maintenance for his own kids, never heard of such a thing, a true hero. Before moving him in, you should make sure there's a spare room for both him and his children, if your kids/pets/yourself need it - no problem, turf them to the kitchen or something. You're his kids' aunt after all, they're your nieces/nephews, you have a duty!

😂😂

I'm loving this.

Yes OP. Why aren't you dancing for joy at your brother moving back in? It means you'll be able to maximise your time with your brothers children!

Nanaof1 · 27/10/2023 15:08

missblooming · 27/10/2023 11:35

He is absolutely not a bully. He would never say to her that she CAN'T spend her money like that- it is just one of the things that has really started to grate on him recently that he is noticing and feels unfair. There are lots of these kind of things that are just adding up over time. The dog is treated like a prince whilst the children go without. He isn't dicating how she spends her money, it is just what is adding to the resentment of the dog.

They are HIS kids to take care of and the dog is HERS to take care of. Either this is a wind-up or a troll because no one can be this daft and be over the age of 12.

I'm glad she chose the dog over your brother. The dog sounds like a much better choice and you brother sounds like an entitled wee whiny wanker.

ripplingwater · 27/10/2023 15:09

Why IS it you don't want him living with you? If he's so bloody wonderful?

I wondered this too- it doesnt add up. The OP goes on about her brother being such a wonderful father, a prince among men, a caring, kind, lovely man. A poor, misunderstood little lamb who is only trying to get his life back on track (cue tiny violin music) Yet, she really, really doesnt want him back living with her.

WHY IS THAT?

Toddlerteaplease · 27/10/2023 15:11

I don't like dogs either. But yes I would rather spend £50 on my cars than on kids that I didn't really know and were not mine.

BoohooWoohoo · 27/10/2023 15:12

If he had joint custody then he'd still have no money to do stuff with the kids. 50/50 custody means paying 50% of all costs like childcare, school dinner, clothes, parties etc which is probably more than the CM amount anyway.
I bet that gf would have been roped into childcare, school run too. On the off chance that he changed his working hours around the kids, he'd have even less money to pay for stuff.

ZiriForGood · 27/10/2023 15:13

Lentilweaver · 27/10/2023 15:04

Her people? The kids are not her people. They are his responsibiity. The dog is her people.

Show quote history

Dog is not people. He is or might be. His children are just addition to him.

Anyway, the point is, that this isn't about his GF being reasonable on unreasonable. She stated her borders and preferences. He either accepts them or goes.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 27/10/2023 15:14

Nowherenew · 27/10/2023 14:09

It’s funny how MNers hate big dogs, especially around kids - yet in this situation they’re jumping to defend the ex.

Is it an XL bully by any chance? 🤣

He has absolutely no say in her keeping her dog.

If they are together and in debt then he of course has a say on what she spends her money on but not if they’re separated.

No way would I get rid of a dog for a man but it’s obvious that this woman is using the dog as a way to get her own way.

I am confused about the timeline though.
They share kids but he only moved in 6 months ago?
Why is that?

You say when they go to stay they have to stay in the dogs room, so where else are the kids staying?

Read the op again, the kids are his not hers- hence he has no say at all!

Bananawotsit · 27/10/2023 15:14

They are not her kids, her dog is her child. It is her house.
Him ending up divorced with dent not enough money to support his kids is not her fault!!
I really hope she has finished with him for good and the dog is back on her bed!!!

Your brother is not the catch you clearly believe him to be!

WiddlinDiddlin · 27/10/2023 15:14

YABU, as is your cocklodging freeloading brother.

FYI, this is a perfect set up for an upset, unhappy dog and a dog attack on children.

Big dog.
Change in living circumstances - new bloke - new kids - changes in routine - kids unsupervised with dogs - owner (potentially) struggling to meet dogs needs due to clear resentment from bloke - dog picking up on the tension in the household...

All classic fuel for a dog vs kid incident - just whack in a spark of say an argument, a kid trying to order the dog around like dad does, perhaps with owner not in the room at that moment, or kids doing something high pitched and loud/fast, dog unable to get away...

Dogs owner is right - he needs to fuck off out of it and take his kids with him.

She is not 'spoiling the dog rotten' she is meeting the dogs needs. He is hampering her ability to do that. At the same time, he is failing to meet his kids needs too. Recipe for disaster.

tabulaisrasa · 27/10/2023 15:14

This has to be a wind up...why does OP think her brother's GF should be paying for treat meals for kids that aren't hers and do not live with her? YOU don't care about her dog, but SHE does and since it's her money to spend on her dog, you can stop bashing on about how much the dog food costs. It's nothing to do with either of you.

And as for your brother paying a "fortune" in maintenance, that doesn't exactly ring accurate either. How much is this "fortune" and how does it relate to the actual costs of keeping multiple kids fed, warm, housed, clothed etc etc?

What do the pair of you not get about his kids being HIS financial responsibility?!

nibblessquibbles · 27/10/2023 15:15

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:14

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

I know you feel this is a pile on. But just to respond to this.
If he was spending £80 on a dog instead of 30 and not treating the kids, I'd agree with you.

But these are not her kids and whilst she knew he had them, they are not married and only have been living together for 6 months. In this I'd expect her to not complain what food shop Bill comes to if they've got the kids. Likewise he can't object to spending money on dog food.
However I don't think I'd want to told to reduce my outgoings to accommodate treats for the kids. But it's hard to say without the other info (does he equally contribute to mortgsge, bills etc ?).

In honesty as you've indicated it's probably not the bag of dog food that's the real problem. It's that he resents the dog and probably isn't a dog person. The gf comes with the dog and that's not negotiable so he's having to deal with the consequences of that. I suspect having given the ultimatum it's just over and he should concentrate in building a new life elsewhere

millymollymoomoo · 27/10/2023 15:15

YOU and YOUR DB are being completely unreasonable not the ex girlfriend

HTH

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