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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

How can my brother salvage this situation

1000 replies

missblooming · 27/10/2023 11:19

I'm a long time user, but have set up a new name for this as I dont want it linked to my previous posts. My brother moved in with his partner about six months ago and things were going great apart from one thing, she has a huge dog and it constantly causes rows between them. Things came to a head last week and he told her it needed to go or he would, and she basically said that's fine, my brother needed to go by the end of the month.

They were so happy together and made for a nice couple. My DB was getting his life back on track, and had hoped with his new living arrangements that he would get joint custody of my niece and nephew and be able to spend some more time with them- which would be great for our whole family.

The dog had been sleeping in the GF room when he moved in, which obviously he wasnt happy with so she moved it to a spare room, but when the kids come to stay they dont like staying in what they call the 'dogs room'. Obviously it lets them know where they are in the pecking order! My DB asked for it to go in the kitchen and the GF started to dig her heels in and its become a real bone of contention.

Apart from the dog, I have never seen my brother so happy. It seems a shame that a relationship can be ruined for such a silly reason. I want to help him salvage it, but not sure where to go from here. He has gone from indifference to the dog to being absolutely fixated on it as the problem- things like she'll spend £80 on a bag of food when he's trying to clear credit card debt and cant afford to take the kids to the cinema, he just cant see past it, particularly now shes picked the dog over him.

How can we help her see that she is being unreasonable, or how can my brother let this go? I really don't want him moving back in here, and it will also mean that he is further away from getting shared custody of his kids.

OP posts:
ThereIbledit · 27/10/2023 14:37

Things came to a head last week and he told her it needed to go or he would, and she basically said that's fine, my brother needed to go by the end of the month.

I hope your DB has learnt that if he plays stupid games, he wins stupid prizes. Of course she was always going to choose the dog.

(and LOLOLOL about this being Dogsnet, this place is equally full of normal people dog lovers, and people who think a dog is an abomination and should never be seen in public)

My DB was getting his life back on track, and had hoped with his new living arrangements that he would get joint custody of my niece and nephew and be able to spend some more time with them

So now he knows - he's going to need to provide his own place for them, not find a girlfriend who has a flat and move in and dominate there.

- which would be great for our whole family.

Read: Dear god please don't make me have to take my waster of a brother in again

The dog had been sleeping in the GF room when he moved in, which obviously he wasnt happy with so she moved it to a spare room, but when the kids come to stay they dont like staying in what they call the 'dogs room'. Obviously it lets them know where they are in the pecking order! My DB asked for it to go in the kitchen and the GF started to dig her heels in and its become a real bone of contention.

She should never have agreed to move the dog out of her bedroom tbh. -5 points for MumsnetGirlfriendTM. If he's not a dog lover, he isn't really compatible with this woman.

And they do stand lower down the pecking order in this house: It's HER house, HER dog who was there before her boyfriend and his kids. Don't like it, well don't be in a relationship with her.

He has gone from indifference to the dog to being absolutely fixated on it as the problem

He is not a dog person. His girlfriend is. That's a pretty fundamental difference. If somehow he manages to succeed in convincing MumsnetGirlfriendTM to get rid of her dog, she's going to resent him forever. They're fundamentally just not a good match.

- things like she'll spend £80 on a bag of food when he's trying to clear credit card debt and cant afford to take the kids to the cinema

Once more for those at the back, HER MONEY ISN'T FOR HIM.

She isn't responsible for paying his credit card debts
She isn't responsible for taking his children to the cinema or to McDonalds.
She isn't responsible for providing a dog free spare room for his children

She IS responsible for looking after her own dog to the best of her ability.

he just cant see past it, particularly now shes picked the dog over him.

OF COURSE she was always going to pick the dog over him! He played a stupid game and won a stupid prize. His ultimatum was very nearly the equivalent of her giving him an ultimatum to choose between her and his children - it was always going to go one way. Lesson learned. Play stupid games win stupid prizes.

Regardless of if he can lick his wounds and get over it, I suspect that she probably can't get past him trying to give her an ultimatum to get rid of a dog so that he can cocklodge in comfort TBH. I think the relationship is probably over for her, and he needs to accept it.

The dog is treated like a prince whilst the children go without. He isn't dicating how she spends her money, it is just what is adding to the resentment of the dog.

Owner of dog treats dog like a prince, shock horror. Girlfriend of man doesn't prioritise spending on his children she didn't ask for over her dog that she did, in shock horror news story that nobody is surprised by.

I can't believe that you are all saying that you would be happy to see your kids go without whilst an animal gets spoilt rotten! It's not about him being a 'cocklodger' she knew he had kids when he moved in- so I don't know why the idea that they have a room is so baffling? The dog wont know the difference of where it sleeps.

In further outrageous news, somebody who is not-a-dog-person doesn't understand why somebody-who-is-a-dog-person understands and treats her own dog better than they would.

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

His. Children. Are. Not. Her. Responsibility.

Her. Dog. IS.

WHY THE EVER LOVING FUCK should she downgrade what she prioritises her spending on so that she can spend more money on "special food" for somebody else's children?!

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 27/10/2023 14:38

But I don't understand, OP. He's clearly an absolutely amazing guy with a hag of an ex. You should definitely take him and his kids in! Then you can spend your money on his kids, take them to ciniema, McD's, everywhere, foregoing treats for yourself, your kids, pets, what have you. He deserves it. His kids deserve it. Such an amazing man, selflessly paying maintenance for his own kids, never heard of such a thing, a true hero. Before moving him in, you should make sure there's a spare room for both him and his children, if your kids/pets/yourself need it - no problem, turf them to the kitchen or something. You're his kids' aunt after all, they're your nieces/nephews, you have a duty!

😂😂

GRex · 27/10/2023 14:38

If he didn't like the dog, then he should have asked her about rehoming it before be moved in, once he's moved in it's too late.

I'm not sure why he expects her to house him, and give up a room for the kids, and pay for his days out too. He needs to focus on working to pay for his own needs, anything she adds should be a treat not their general expenses. He sounds very unpleasant to be honest, tracking her expenditures, she'll be well rid of him.

JustWimpy · 27/10/2023 14:39

I'm hoping he doesn't have the brains to totally backtrack to get her to let him stay. No, of course he doesn't.

I'd hate for the girlfriend to get sucked into his financially draining mess for any longer.

rrrrrreatt · 27/10/2023 14:40

Your brother’s children and his arrangement to pay off debt he accumulated with his ex are not his new girlfriend’s responsibility. His kids going without is a problem for him and his ex to solve.

His now ex-gf had a sweet deal going without him; a companion in dog form that she adored, a home and disposable income to use as she pleased. She’s now expected to give that all up for…your brother’s company? I’m not surprised she sent him packing and I think trying to get him back solely to benefit him is gross.

SpudleyLass · 27/10/2023 14:41

Presuming this is not a troll, his ex is not responsible for his happiness, let alone his credit card debt and his children's living arrangements.

He is responsible for all of those things.

I'm not a dog person, much prefer cats - but the dog was there first. He got with her knowing about the dog.

Happy to hear that she has a spine. You don't want to help your own brother and his kids out, because expect a random woman too? Yikes.

Missile dodged.

Tonight1 · 27/10/2023 14:41

@OneMorePlant ahhh, that's something I would disagree with you there. I got into cc debt after I was attacked but it was completely my own fault that I drank and smoked (cigarettes) as a coping mechanism. All paid off now but I was a total wally, boyfriend needs to confront debt. I never expected anyone else to pay for mine.

Dog is entitled to good food if girlfriend wants to pay for it. None of his business.

itsmyp4rty · 27/10/2023 14:41

OP why don't you pay for your brother and the kids to go to the cinema every week seeing as you're so keen. You can cut back on whatever yuo choose to spend your money on.

You're actually related to them so why don't you put your money where your mouth is?

PurplePattern · 27/10/2023 14:43

4naansjeremy · 27/10/2023 12:06

Surely we need more information from the OP before we can decide if the GF is unreasonable for choosing the dog…

how much credit card debt does the dog have?

does the dog have an entitled batshit sister?

does she have to look after the dogs children?

everyone is very quick to jump on the OP here.

😂This wins!

RethinkingLife · 27/10/2023 14:44

Should we all ask OP to encourage DB to double down on the ultimatum to MumsnetGirlfriendTM and threaten to leave her on her lonesome right now rather than in 2 weeks time?

Mushroom2023 · 27/10/2023 14:44

Strange, it looks like the OP has vanished. I can't think why?

coconutpie · 27/10/2023 14:45

This is probably the only time where I've thought "I hope the papers pick this story up" just so that the ex-gf in question might hear about it and come to update us all on her batshit crazy ex-bf and his equally batshit crazy sister.

Passepartoute · 27/10/2023 14:45

missblooming · 27/10/2023 11:35

He is absolutely not a bully. He would never say to her that she CAN'T spend her money like that- it is just one of the things that has really started to grate on him recently that he is noticing and feels unfair. There are lots of these kind of things that are just adding up over time. The dog is treated like a prince whilst the children go without. He isn't dicating how she spends her money, it is just what is adding to the resentment of the dog.

But WHY does he think it's unfair? She can do what she likes with her money. She doesn't have to help him pay off his debts or spend money on his children. Even if she had no dog, she still wouldn't have to help him with his finances. He seems to believe she would if it weren't for the dog - which is ridiculous.

ClawedButler · 27/10/2023 14:46

I mean, bravo to your brother for sticking it out so long with this harridan of a woman who <gasp> spends her own money

ChocolateCinderToffee · 27/10/2023 14:48

They're HIS children, why should she pay for their food? She seems to have got a nice flat, a dog she loves and along comes some guy who moves in, wants to move his kids in, get rid of the dog . . . no wonder she just told him to move out!

I'm not even a dog person, I find them a pain in the bum, but FFS, your brother is a typical cocklodger.

Passepartoute · 27/10/2023 14:49

I can't believe that you are all saying that you would be happy to see your kids go without whilst an animal gets spoilt rotten!

Again, that assumes that if the girlfriend didn't have the dog she would be happy to spend her money on his children, and indeed that he would expect her to. Can you explain why you think he's right?

The children are not going without because the dog is spoilt. They are going without because their parents don't have enough money and have debts, which unfortunately is the situation for an awful lot of children. It doesn't impose obligations on other people to bail out one of the parents.

Dymaxion · 27/10/2023 14:50

My DB was getting his life back on track, and had hoped with his new living arrangements that he would get joint custody of my niece and nephew and be able to spend some more time with them-

I can't help feeling the only reason he wants joint custody is because he won't have to pay as much maintenance ? And a big dog and a woman with principles has got in the way of his cunning plan.

5YearsLeft · 27/10/2023 14:51

I really don't want him moving back in here

DING DING DING DING.* *We have a winner. This line from the OP is basically the beginning, the end, and the middle. So he went from living with wife, to sister, to girlfriend. Has this man EVER taken care of himself? EVER? Did he stay living at home until he got married originally?

But yes, if OP doesn’t want him back in HER house, of course she’s going to double down on some ridiculous positions here. OP, you know you don’t HAVE to take him back? He’s a grown man. He can stand on his own two feet, not bounce from female caretaker to female caretaker - some blood-related like you, and some not, like his girlfriend.

Passepartoute · 27/10/2023 14:53

What it seems to come down to is that you and your brother think his girlfriend should have agreed to his ultimatum and got rid of her much-loved dog so that his children could have a room in the girlfriend's house and the girlfriend's money could be used for the children.

Unless your brother turns his thinking right around, this relationship is absolutely not salvageable, and to be honest he is never going to be able to keep any relationship going. You would be doing him much more of a favour by telling him some hard truths.

ThereIbledit · 27/10/2023 14:53

RethinkingLife · 27/10/2023 14:44

Should we all ask OP to encourage DB to double down on the ultimatum to MumsnetGirlfriendTM and threaten to leave her on her lonesome right now rather than in 2 weeks time?

Better yet, he could pack his belongings and be neatly out of the house with no sign that he was ever there before she gets home from work today. That would really show her!

moonbeammagic · 27/10/2023 14:53

The relationship doesn't have to end. If they are genuinely happy - apart from the dog issue - they can continue the relationship but living separately. My partner and I live separately. We were both single parents when we met, our DC are the same ages and get on well until they spend too much time together. Blending didn't work so we maintain separate homes come together regularly.

slore · 27/10/2023 14:53

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:14

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

You and you brother are entitled and unreasonable.

It's her house. It's her dog. It's her money.

It's not her debt. They're not her children.

He doesn't get to dictate any of this.

If he resents it, tough shit. At this stage, she owes his children nothing.

He sounds like a user and a parasite who is not being truthful to you about his financial situation.

Shadowonasun · 27/10/2023 14:55

Jesus, I'd think I know people from this story, if not for a few discrepancies. A woman I know used to live with a cocklodger like that. She was divorced, quite wealthy with her own business, own house and had a Great Dane. A very sweet, kind woman, but meek and a people pleaser. Moved her charming, handsome, penniless, workshy cocklodger boyfriend in.

He was even more entitled than you and your brother are and eventually lost his meal ticket. She paid for absolutely everything, he didn't contribute a penny. She took care of his kids and spent a lot on them (treats, presents, etc). They all lived in her house, holidayed on her dime. We (friends) tried to make her see the light to no avail.

Until eventually the greedy cunt overplayed his hand. All his expenses were covered by her, but he couldn't stand her giving attention and spending money on her dog. A considerable amount of money, it's a Great Dane after all, but it was her money. He tried to make her get rid of him. She did get rid. Of the cocklodger.

I just can't believe the bass neck of such people. I have a partner, he's a 'cat person'. Has 3 cats. I do not like cats, don't have pets of my own and don't plan to. But jeez, those cats were there before me, I actually wouldn't be at all surprised if he'd get rid of me rather than the cats, should I try to make him. Not that I ever would. I just can't comprehend it.

I have a child from a previous relationship. I do not like her to go without. Therefore I work and provide what she needs and wants. Like millions of other people. She's not my partner's responsibility, he's not her dad. Just unbelievable.

DwarfPlanetFiend · 27/10/2023 14:55

This can't be real 😂

MrsRachelDanvers · 27/10/2023 14:56

It’s not unreasonable to expect a dog to sleep in a kitchen if it has a decent bed. I wouldn’t expect a partner to let his dog sleep in our bedroom.

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