How can my brother salvage this situation

[missblooming]

I'm a long time user, but have set up a new name for this as I dont want it linked to my previous posts. My brother moved in with his partner about six months ago and things were going great apart from one thing, she has a huge dog and it constantly causes rows between them. Things came to a head last week and he told her it needed to go or he would, and she basically said that's fine, my brother needed to go by the end of the month.

They were so happy together and made for a nice couple. My DB was getting his life back on track, and had hoped with his new living arrangements that he would get joint custody of my niece and nephew and be able to spend some more time with them- which would be great for our whole family.

The dog had been sleeping in the GF room when he moved in, which obviously he wasnt happy with so she moved it to a spare room, but when the kids come to stay they dont like staying in what they call the 'dogs room'. Obviously it lets them know where they are in the pecking order! My DB asked for it to go in the kitchen and the GF started to dig her heels in and its become a real bone of contention.

Apart from the dog, I have never seen my brother so happy. It seems a shame that a relationship can be ruined for such a silly reason. I want to help him salvage it, but not sure where to go from here. He has gone from indifference to the dog to being absolutely fixated on it as the problem- things like she'll spend £80 on a bag of food when he's trying to clear credit card debt and cant afford to take the kids to the cinema, he just cant see past it, particularly now shes picked the dog over him.

How can we help her see that she is being unreasonable, or how can my brother let this go? I really don't want him moving back in here, and it will also mean that he is further away from getting shared custody of his kids.

Simply put they are not suited.
Her dog is important to her and it’s up to her what she spends her money on so if she wants to buy the dog £80 dog food then that’s her choice.

Your brother has kids and it’s up to him to support them and put them first. He is also responsible for clearing his own debt.

The best way to help your brother is support him in moving on.

It's not the GF's responsibility to manage his emotional regulation and displaced anger at his own life-choices that have led to this.

Her spending may grate on him and it seems he wants to control it which may be a different way to spell 'dictate'.

It's up to her how she treats her dog. She has no obligations or responsibility to the children (as yet) despite your DB's desire to outsource these to her.

The GF is fortunate that this turned up so early so she could stop this in the tracks.

Your DB should celebrate that he found a woman who was willing to effectively cross-subsidise him to date and get his life back on track.

He needs to gain some maturity and sense of personal accountability before finding another relationship where he expects his partner to pay off his debts, assume responsibility for his children etc.

Both you and your brother sound so grabby and entitled.

How much debt can he be in for a kitchen anyway?

And WTF do you think the GF is in any way responsible for paying for his kids? He should get himself a second job if he's so skint. How dare you judge what she spends her money on - are you actually for real???

Hopefully the scales have dropped from her eyes and she doesn't get taken in by this chancer again.

A rare and beautiful moment

I assume that the gf and your brother have separate finances. Therefore it doesn't matter if she spends £80 on dog food or £80 on her hair as it's her money. Does he expect his gf to buy food or cinema trips for his kids? They aren't a married couple with joint finances. If there was no dog, that £80 still wouldn't go on his kids because it's her money.

If he's jealous that she has more disposable income then that's a different issue and more understandable but that isn't his gf's fault either.

The bit about going for joint custody if he lives with gf is massive red flag cocklodger territory. I assume that his ex lives a distance away and he used to visit the kids for the day. Trying to convince his gf to take him back so you benefit is very underhand.

I'm not a dog person but it sounds like a dog with territory issues isn't a good place to take kids. The gf has compromised with creating a room for the dog which is admirable as her feelings towards the dog will be similar to how a parent feels about a child. She can't and shouldn't get rid of the dog so that your brother can leech more off her.

I'm sorry that the relationship has ended and I'm pleased that you added info about how happy he is but your brother needs to focus on getting back on his feet financially so that future relationships have a more equal dynamic and a better chance of success.

I'm fully expecting a rambunctious group rendition of "Wind Beneath My Wings" to kick in any moment now! 😂

Is this brother incapable of managing himself. Why is his sister asking advice on how to stop this break up? It's his mess to fix.

His children have 2 parents to spend money on them. His gf doesn't have to feed and clothe them.

It's not about him being a 'cocklodger' she knew he had kids when he moved in

He knew she had a dog when he moved in too. She accepted his kids. He didn't accept her dog. His problem, not hers.

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80.

And you can take your kid to the cinema, or you can borrow a DVD from the library and buy a bag of popcorn from B and M for £1 - he needs to treat his kid according to his finance, why you think she should support his children is beyond all reasoning, the children have two parents. they are the ones who should be paying for them - the people who chose to create them, not some woman he's trying to take advantage of.
I'm so pleased for her that she's thrown him out, the dog loves her unconditionally, he only loves her as long as he can stay in her house, get rid of her dog and get her to finance his kids. He sound like an absolute tosser.
If he's such a fabulous human, you should be delighted he wants to move back in with you - then you can pay for his kids MacDonalds.

Team girlfriend and dog here definitely. How dare your brother come in and dictate everything to revolve around him and his needs and not hers. She isn’t there to facilitate him

this isn’t about the dog but his belief she should change her life for him

OP you are related to these children, she is not. Why don't you pay for them to go to the cinema? Because it's not your responsibility? Well it's not hers either. There is already an established dynamic with the dog. It was there before your brother moved in, he knew it was there but still moved in. Why? Because he thought he could make her get rid of it? She's done the right thing and maintained her boundaries while he has tried to steam roll them. Where was he living before?

I was answering a question, you clearly did not see - i.e your response.

HIS children not hers she doesn't need to pay for his children

Sounds like it's good the relationship ends now. At least they've not married or had children and can see now it's not working.

You'd be brother is 100% the one in the wrong.

You're off your rocker!!!

I wouldn't spend less on my animals, or any of my hobbies, to fund a partners children!! it is absolutely NOT my responsibility to do that. if he can't afford treats for his children then he needs to re-evaluate his life and/or get a second job.

I hope the girlfriend reads this thread 😁

She's not being unreasonable, he is and so are you.

Your posts sound like he is more bothered about the impact separating will have on his potential custody arrangements rather than the breakdown of his relationship. No wonder the gf is done.

Yes it's not nice to think the dog is treated better than the kids but the dog is her family. She prioritises her family, he prioritises his. It's not her fault he's struggling financially. Not that you've stated at least.

It doesn't sound silly to break up over different prioritises.

Well, I think your brother has to accept that his relationship may well be over. They clearly have differing needs and priorities and neither want to compromise. Not sure either are totally unreasonable, but probably incompatible. Laying down ultimatums in a relationship is never a good sign, and the person doing it rarely gets the outcome they want. Demanding she get rid of the dog (which is the logical conclusion of “it’s the dog or me” ultimatum) was self-defeating and a bit childish.

It does sound a bit like you don’t think her wishes count for much and that your brothers children should be her priority in terms of housing set up and finances- they are definitely a significant factor in all sorts of ways, given she chose to live with a man who already has children- but you can’t really expect her to manage her finances around the need for treats for your niece/nephew? If she wants to spend £80 of her money on dog food, then she is free to do so. Unless they have agreed joint finances, why is she obligated to alter her spending in order to give your niece/nephew treats? Totally different matter if it was for essentials but trips to cinema etc aren’t essential and if dad can’t afford it, then he can’t. Lots of children are in that position. It wouldn’t be unreasonable for your brother to ask his partner for some help now and again- and I’m sure most would help out sometimes, but it’s a big ask to suggest she can’t spend her money as she wishes because your brother can’t afford to take the children to MacDonalds this week.

You also seem to more concerned that your brother moving into her home is a way to make your brothers desire for shared custody happen and that is her main “attraction” to you (not necessarily to him) and you want to “make her see she is unreasonable” because it’s more convenient for you all for him to stay where he is. Her feelings seem rather irrelevant.

At the end of the day your brother moved into her house and he knew about the dog. She has moved the dog from her room as requested by him but she doesn’t want the dog in the kitchen. It is her house and her dog- he can’t really demand things because the children don’t want to sleep in the “dog’s room”. I think it would have been better if they didn’t refer to it as that, though. I doubt it is anything to do with their place in the pecking order- just reflects the fact the dog is there all the time so when she moved the dog out of her room that was where she thought it should go. Where does the dog go when the children sleep over? Presumably not staying in the room with the children, if that is the case then they are getting priority when they are there.

I honestly think this relationship has run its course. They may be able to maintain a relationship where they don’t live together but clearly living together doesn’t work for them at the moment.

I suspect the only way to “fix it” would be for your brother to apologise for the ultimatum, accept the dog is there to stay and work out a compromise re the dog/children sleeping situation.

Gotta go for an original composition for this one, we can call it ‘Get In The Bin, Dave’.

It’s funny how MNers hate big dogs, especially around kids - yet in this situation they’re jumping to defend the ex.

Is it an XL bully by any chance? 🤣

He has absolutely no say in her keeping her dog.

If they are together and in debt then he of course has a say on what she spends her money on but not if they’re separated.

No way would I get rid of a dog for a man but it’s obvious that this woman is using the dog as a way to get her own way.

I am confused about the timeline though.
They share kids but he only moved in 6 months ago?
Why is that?

You say when they go to stay they have to stay in the dogs room, so where else are the kids staying?

I so hope that the girlfriend has the sense to stand firm and make him leave. She allows him to move into her home and he has the neck to throw his weight around, demanding her dog makes way for his children and trying to make our that the girlfriend's money is his to spend on his children.

I can see why the OP is desperate to avoid having this milestone move back in with her. But expecting the girlfriend to take on his grabby self instead is totally unfair.

I love the idea that his kids are going without because of what his gf spends on her dog.

Where's the correlation?

Why would she spend it on his kids even if she wasn't spending it on her dog?

Is this the first time he has been told no?

Why did him living with you mean that he couldn't go for 50/50?

Her dog, her house, her rules. And she can spend her money on what she likes. His debt is not her problem.

I'm afraid you and your brother have a massive sense of entitlement to think his GF, who he only moved in with 6 months ago and presumably knew about her dog beforehand, should change her life style choices to suit him.

It really does beggar belief that he even thinks that in the first place!