How can my brother salvage this situation

[missblooming]

I'm a long time user, but have set up a new name for this as I dont want it linked to my previous posts. My brother moved in with his partner about six months ago and things were going great apart from one thing, she has a huge dog and it constantly causes rows between them. Things came to a head last week and he told her it needed to go or he would, and she basically said that's fine, my brother needed to go by the end of the month.

They were so happy together and made for a nice couple. My DB was getting his life back on track, and had hoped with his new living arrangements that he would get joint custody of my niece and nephew and be able to spend some more time with them- which would be great for our whole family.

The dog had been sleeping in the GF room when he moved in, which obviously he wasnt happy with so she moved it to a spare room, but when the kids come to stay they dont like staying in what they call the 'dogs room'. Obviously it lets them know where they are in the pecking order! My DB asked for it to go in the kitchen and the GF started to dig her heels in and its become a real bone of contention.

Apart from the dog, I have never seen my brother so happy. It seems a shame that a relationship can be ruined for such a silly reason. I want to help him salvage it, but not sure where to go from here. He has gone from indifference to the dog to being absolutely fixated on it as the problem- things like she'll spend £80 on a bag of food when he's trying to clear credit card debt and cant afford to take the kids to the cinema, he just cant see past it, particularly now shes picked the dog over him.

How can we help her see that she is being unreasonable, or how can my brother let this go? I really don't want him moving back in here, and it will also mean that he is further away from getting shared custody of his kids.

They’re not her bloody children!! It’s not her fault if he can’t afford to take them places, and it’s up to her what she spends her money on. The children are 100% your brother’s concern, she has no responsibility to them. If you’re so concerned about them “going without” McDonald’s or the cinema, you pay for
them to go. They’re your niece & nephew after all.

Best way to help your brother is to encourage him to regain his independence. It's so vital.

I've been in sticky situations but found a way out. It can take time.

Him relying on a new girlfriend is not going to work.

The dog is a red herring. You could substitute the dog for any pet or hobby that the gf had and he would still be in the wrong. If the GF was a really keen knitter and filled the spare room with wool and spent her income on knitting needles and he asked her to stop to finance his children and support his lifestyle choices she would be well with her rights to tell him to fuck off.

Honestly, who the fuck do you think you are 🙄

He's moved in to her house? And in a short amount of time has stated dictating what she should do with her dog that she had first! It's not the woman's responsibility to have somewhere your brother can have HIS children, it's not her responsibility to pay for things for HIS children and it's cheeky as fuck to resent her buying her dog food because HE is in debt and can't afford to take the kids to the cinema.

Why you need to do is step away from a situation that isn't yours to try and control and leave the pot of them to sort it out, and for what it's worth, she sounds better off without him and without sticking your nose in

If you are so bothered about your brothers children going without, why don't you subsidise their "Treats"?

I can't believe that you are all saying that you would be happy to see your kids go without whilst an animal gets spoilt rotten! It's not about him being a 'cocklodger' she knew he had kids when he moved in- so I don't know why the idea that they have a room is so baffling? The dog wont know the difference of where it sleeps.

I wouldn't get rid of my cats - and frankly I dislike guests disturbing their routines.

However I think the problem is you've assumed him moving in makes his kids her responsibility in some way and she's clearly not on board with that whatever your DB and you assumed.

Take him in yourself then if it’s so much of
your business you weirdo

She isn't being unreasonable. She already had her life all set up with her dog, he moved in with her and then he expected her to ditch her dog and the way she lives just because he decided he didn't like it. Also, his custody issues with his kids are not her problem. Why should she get rid of HER dog because of HIS kids? What has HIS credit card debt got to do with HER choice to buy dog food.

Your brother apparently can't cope with her dog and gave her an ultimatum, which she accepted and kicked him out. Good for her.

He's made his choice and she's made hers and you shouldn't be interfering or trying to engineer things. You keep talking about what you want for your brother and your family - why should any of that be down to his girlfriend to fix? What does she get from this? Nothing, as far as I can tell - all she gets from it is being saddled with some needy twat with kids and debts who is jealous of a fucking dog.

I really don't want him moving back in here Again, how is that her problem? If you don't want him living in your house, why should she want him living in hers?

This cannot be real

She’s not being unreasonable at all. The dog needs to eat and it’s hers - she needs to feed it and he needs to be responsible for his own debt or taking the kids on an outing. She’s also done a lot more than I would have done in terms of kicking the dog out of her room.

If your brother can’t grovel for forgiveness and love the dog, then he doesn’t deserve her. Sorry to be so blunt but she’s really in the right here

Op I cannot believe that as the Aunty you are seeing these kids go without.
Why don't you subdidise their cinema and mcdonalds since they are your blood niece and nephew? Better, move them back in with you and pay for it all and clear your DB debt.

Oh wait....you do not think is your responsibility?
Nor is it any girlfriend's.

#TeamDog here.

Your brother needs to have a word with himself.

THEY ARE NOT HER CHILDREN.
IT IS HER DOG AND HER MONEY TO SPEND ON HER DOG.
i sincerely hope this is a wind-up because you and your brother are sounding like weapons-grade bellends here.

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

Not financially you bloody don't. They are HIS children, they are his responsibility. If he's that much of a deadbeat that he can't live by himself without a woman supporting him (whether that be you or the girlfriend) to the point he can't take his kids for a Happy Meal then that his HIS problem.

I don't have a dog. I don't like dogs. But this women is perfectly entitled to spend HER money on whatever she sees fit.

I find it pretty gobsmacking that you and your brother are saying she should spend less money on her pet so she can spend it on your brother's kids instead.

Would love to hear the opinion of the mother, or better guess.... mothers of his children.

Fucking brilliant!

Not only is she well rid of your brother for ALL the reasons PP have stated, she is fucking well rid of you and your family. "How can we help her see she is being unreaosnable....." Get to fuck with that shit. Ganging up on this woman on your brother's behalf because he is not getting things all his own way.

Wow. Your brother sounds awful. I think she’s probably seen through it and decided he should just go. Dog came first. Not her kids. He needs to leave and sort his life out.

Because I'm not paying for someone else's kids to go to the cinema. If I had money left over after fulfilling my responsibilities (ie feeding my pet) I would spend it on myself or save it. Obviously if I had my own child, they would be my main responsibility.

This. These are your nieces/nephews- they're YOUR family so in that sense, you ought to be coughing up for treats- they are your blood after all arent they? Why arent you paying for them to have mcdonalds and cinema trips? - I am sure you could easily cut back on your spending to pay for them just like you seem to expect the GF to do, why is it expected of the GF and not you?

She’s had a lucky escape.

There isn’t room for compromise though. He said, ‘It’s me or the dog’. That’s not the way to a compromise.

It costs a lot of money to feed large dogs. Is she suposed to let the dog starve so your brother can take his kids to the cinema? Tbh it's not your brother's girlfriend's place to be paying for his kids anyway.

It sounds like he was hoping for a bit of a free ride there!

Why on earth would she spend her money on his children? Why should her life and choices change due to him and his ?

He is responsible for providing for his children - end of! How she spends her money is absolutely none of his business- I admire this woman. I have pets I am responsible for providing for my children and my pets. It is absolutely nothing to do with my partner where or how I spend my money, and vice versa!

I also can’t get my head around why you just cannot comprehend that the GF has a healthy self-respect and a good set of boundaries. She’s absolutely to be applauded for standing her ground.

Cocklodger

Honestly I’ve had the worst week, this thread has cheered me right up. Just that moment where everyone comes together for a collective ‘wtf’. It’s just great to see 🤣

OP I don’t know why you can’t see that if the owner of the dog and the house and her own money doesn’t want the dog to sleep elsewhere and wants to spend her money on nice dog food that’s perfectly okay.
If she had saved £50 on a bag of dog food would he be expecting her to spend it on macdonalds for his kids, is that fair?

You come across as someone who doesn’t have pets or owned a dog. It’s a special relationship, the dog was there before him. It’s not just an animal your dog is a family member, as silly as it sounds that’s how it is. So keep that in mind.

Sorry if this means your brother moves in with you, but maybe you can shout your niece and nephew a happy meal instead?

Their relationship might work better once he’s moved out and maybe they will get together again when he’s had more time to sort out his finances etc.