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Original poster

How can my brother salvage this situation

1000 replies

missblooming · 27/10/2023 11:19

I'm a long time user, but have set up a new name for this as I dont want it linked to my previous posts. My brother moved in with his partner about six months ago and things were going great apart from one thing, she has a huge dog and it constantly causes rows between them. Things came to a head last week and he told her it needed to go or he would, and she basically said that's fine, my brother needed to go by the end of the month.

They were so happy together and made for a nice couple. My DB was getting his life back on track, and had hoped with his new living arrangements that he would get joint custody of my niece and nephew and be able to spend some more time with them- which would be great for our whole family.

The dog had been sleeping in the GF room when he moved in, which obviously he wasnt happy with so she moved it to a spare room, but when the kids come to stay they dont like staying in what they call the 'dogs room'. Obviously it lets them know where they are in the pecking order! My DB asked for it to go in the kitchen and the GF started to dig her heels in and its become a real bone of contention.

Apart from the dog, I have never seen my brother so happy. It seems a shame that a relationship can be ruined for such a silly reason. I want to help him salvage it, but not sure where to go from here. He has gone from indifference to the dog to being absolutely fixated on it as the problem- things like she'll spend £80 on a bag of food when he's trying to clear credit card debt and cant afford to take the kids to the cinema, he just cant see past it, particularly now shes picked the dog over him.

How can we help her see that she is being unreasonable, or how can my brother let this go? I really don't want him moving back in here, and it will also mean that he is further away from getting shared custody of his kids.

OP posts:
Missedmytoe · 27/10/2023 13:09

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:14

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

If they were kids that the GF was mother to, then I'd see it as unreasonable. The fact that it's her money spent on her pet, is nothing to do with your brother or his finances. It seems as though he begrudges her having disposable income.
It's not up to her to subsidise his children.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 27/10/2023 13:09

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:14

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

You're being ridiculously unreasonable. The children are NOT her responsibility, they are your brothers and his ex wife or partners responsibility so stop the why would she spend money on a do instead of the kids argument.

If you really want them to have a nice them you can offer to pay for it take them out etc.

Franky if I was your brothers partner I would be out of this relationship when even his family have such ridiculous expectations and demands.

cinders222 · 27/10/2023 13:09

Your brother is totally un-reasonable and a major CF. The children are not her responsibility why should she use her money to treat them. That is their parents responsibility. I have a dog who I love very much and spend a small fortune on not as much as my child obviously. But its my child. I certainly wouldn't buy her cheap food to pay for someone elses child. The girlfriend should run for the hills.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 27/10/2023 13:09

But the dog is hers and the DC are his. She has absolutely no financial responsibility towards the children.

You all seem to have thrown her straight into the stepmother role as if she should be prioritising him and his needs over her own and so therefore should be financially supporting them. She absolutely should not be! It's too early in the day for to even consider that.

Tonight1 · 27/10/2023 13:09

I really hope he didn't actually say to her that he thought her dog food was too expensive and the money should have gone instead to his debt/children.

You could support him instead by encouraging him to be independent.

jazzyfips · 27/10/2023 13:10

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:14

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

They are not her children but the dog is her dog. It’s not that hard to understand. She isn’t a step parent at this stage and the arrangement is much more beneficial to your brother than it is her. I have dogs and they definitely don’t sleep in bedrooms but that’s my choice and your brothers partner has made different choices. I don’t take on any responsibility for my partners children and they don’t mine.

HeavenKnowsIamMiserableNow · 27/10/2023 13:10

I was going to say, is it still half term….😂

But it is too well put together, OP you clearly come from a family of users with a huge sense of entitlement.

He wants her to get rid of the dog.

You are judging how she spends HER money.

You don’t want him back in your house, so you think she should accommodate him in getting custody of his children, by getting rid of the the dog, curb her outgoings on the dog. Whatever next.

Oh I know he should run up more debt and expect her to clear it.

This situation is unbelievable, in fact you couldn’t make it up………….Oh Wait….🙄🙄

Sheisthedarkness · 27/10/2023 13:11

You and your brother are both being so unreasonable that I hope this is a wind up.

ittakes2 · 27/10/2023 13:11

You are annoyed because your brother's girlfriend loves her dog and this love is getting in the way of your brother moving into her house (from your's) and him having his children at her house? She is basically stuffing up his chance for a new life at her house because she doesn't want to compromise on her pet who lived there before him? Like she owes him something?
I am sorry I know you love your brother but you need to give your head a wobble - his girlfriend had a life before him and its Ok if she has things she doesn't want to compromise on.
I'm sorry but I think your brother needs to think of a plan B because her friends will be telling her to keep the dog and ditch your brother.

DahliaMacNamara · 27/10/2023 13:11

How can he salvage the situation, is what OP wanted to know.
His only possible option is to back the fuck down, grovel, agree to have the dog back in their bedroom, and keep any thoughts about the dog's menu to himself.
If I were the GF I'd still be inclined to let this man go. But maybe the grovelling option is worth a try. Persuading the girlfriend she's in the wrong is never going to happen, so forget it.

rumred · 27/10/2023 13:11

He sounds entitled and as if he expects women to sort him out. Like you're doing posting on here.
You asked for opinions, they're clearly not what you were hoping for.
The overwhelming response is he's in the wrong and he needs to stand on his own feet.

Travelismything · 27/10/2023 13:11

Why don’t you cough up some money for your niece and nephew? They are far more your responsibility than your brother’s girlfriends responsibility.

Ffsnotaconference · 27/10/2023 13:12

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:14

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

Get a grip.

They are not her kids. Her money is entirely irrelevant.

Sounds like you and him just want her back down, get rid of the dog, stay with your dbro so she can finance more of his responsibilities.

How did he afford to keep a house before he moved in with her? If he pays so much in maintenance he can’t afford a McDonald’s After he has paid maintenance and his bills, how did he survive alone?

It doesn’t matter how much she spend on dog food. If she buys a £30 bag instead of a £80, she has £50 more, spare. He doesn’t have extra money because she bought cheaper food for the dog. The spare money is hers. Not his.

Its about time he became self sufficient and stop trying g to dictate someone else life for his own benefit

AliceOlive · 27/10/2023 13:12

Your love and support for your brother is so sweet. It’s also blinding you.

This woman cannot be his salvation. Moving in with her isn’t “getting back on his feet”. It’s moving from reliance on you to reliance on her.

He needs to develop his own resources instead of viewing her space and money as his own.

Be grateful this woman put her foot down before he got custody of the children. It would really blow up then when he started expecting her to treat them as her own.

You can help him by encouraging him to find work that is sustainable and will allow him to have a modest place of his own. Also, if he actually loves her he can both move out and maintain the relationship.

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 27/10/2023 13:12

Hope you had him beside you to read these responses 🤭

SecondUsername4me · 27/10/2023 13:13

Mental.

He pays a fortune in maitenance to their mum

He pays the amount mandated in law to plug the gap between what he should be having them and what he is actually having them. He could pay zero if he actually had them half their lives.

Also, why is he so reliant on women and unable to grow some fucking balls?:
A woman does the main parenting (and funding) of his children
A woman is expected to spend her cash on his kids
A woman is expected to get rid of her own dog because he needs that woman to mould her life to him and his kids
A woman is coming online looking for how to fix this for him

What an actual embarrassment he is to men

MargotBamborough · 27/10/2023 13:13

Spareus · 27/10/2023 13:06

You know the cheap nasty dog food is junk yes? How she feeds her dog is her business. How your brother feeds his kids is his - and not her responsibility.

and of course you do not assume responsibility for a boyfriends kids - that joy is for their parents. Your brother is the problem here.

Show quote history

Yeah, she's basically saying she thinks her brother's girlfriend should feed her dog junk instead of high quality nutritious food, so that her brother can use the extra cash to take his children to McDonalds and the cinema and fill them up with junk food.

Make it make sense.

TheGoddessFrigg · 27/10/2023 13:13

Tell your brother not to worry. My (ex) friend married a bloke just like this. He moved into her very nice house, she even set up rooms for the children and buys the Mother's Day present for his ex. Oh and she got rid of all her friends for him.

Truly there is a lid for every (manky debt ridden cocklodging) pot...

Ffsnotaconference · 27/10/2023 13:13

And you don’t mean ‘how can he salvage it’

you mean ‘my Dbro tried to force his girlfriend to get rid of her dog so he could use the money she would save. He threatens to leave. She didn’t fall for it. How can we make her give now it’s backfired.’

Mariposista · 27/10/2023 13:15

he knew she had a dog when they got together!

Nineandahalfonabadday · 27/10/2023 13:15

The "sense of entitlement" gene is certainly very dominant in your family Op! 🤪

Lastqueenofscotland2 · 27/10/2023 13:15

So your brother moved in with his girlfriend and wants her to (checks notes) stop looking after her dog to fund his kids.

What a catch…

sparklefresh · 27/10/2023 13:16

Err... she INBU. She sounds excellent.

ClarkGablesMoustache · 27/10/2023 13:16

CwmYoy · 27/10/2023 12:55

Only the idiotic would compare children's needs to a pet. It isn't me spouting rubbish here.

Edited
Show quote history

I've got a spare tenner and was going to pick up a cat toy. Should I give it to the family down the road to treat their kids to a Happy Meal instead?

This isn't about pets versus children, however much you try to make it so.

This is about the girlfriend's right to spend her money on whatever she wants, including on her dog.

His desire to take his children to the cinema and play Disney Dad has no bearing whatsoever on what the GF spends her own money on.

The children aren't being deprived.

CornishClott · 27/10/2023 13:16

You just don't want him to move back in with you .

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