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Original poster

How can my brother salvage this situation

1000 replies

missblooming · 27/10/2023 11:19

I'm a long time user, but have set up a new name for this as I dont want it linked to my previous posts. My brother moved in with his partner about six months ago and things were going great apart from one thing, she has a huge dog and it constantly causes rows between them. Things came to a head last week and he told her it needed to go or he would, and she basically said that's fine, my brother needed to go by the end of the month.

They were so happy together and made for a nice couple. My DB was getting his life back on track, and had hoped with his new living arrangements that he would get joint custody of my niece and nephew and be able to spend some more time with them- which would be great for our whole family.

The dog had been sleeping in the GF room when he moved in, which obviously he wasnt happy with so she moved it to a spare room, but when the kids come to stay they dont like staying in what they call the 'dogs room'. Obviously it lets them know where they are in the pecking order! My DB asked for it to go in the kitchen and the GF started to dig her heels in and its become a real bone of contention.

Apart from the dog, I have never seen my brother so happy. It seems a shame that a relationship can be ruined for such a silly reason. I want to help him salvage it, but not sure where to go from here. He has gone from indifference to the dog to being absolutely fixated on it as the problem- things like she'll spend £80 on a bag of food when he's trying to clear credit card debt and cant afford to take the kids to the cinema, he just cant see past it, particularly now shes picked the dog over him.

How can we help her see that she is being unreasonable, or how can my brother let this go? I really don't want him moving back in here, and it will also mean that he is further away from getting shared custody of his kids.

OP posts:
TimeForTeaAndG · 27/10/2023 13:01

Just imagining the advice the GF would have gotten if she had posted here prior to telling him to sling his hook.

I can't imagine anyone saying "yip, he's a keeper, why aren't you paying off his debt and feeding your dog cheap shit so he can take his kids to the cinema?!".

MargotBamborough · 27/10/2023 13:01

vodkaredbullgirl · 27/10/2023 12:56

Think it all boils down to, not wanting your brother living with you again.

Agreed.

If he's old enough to have two children with his ex and a girlfriend with a dog and a house with at least two bedrooms, he's old enough to get a decent job and a place of his own.

Flamingo68 · 27/10/2023 13:01

Not salvageable. He needs to move out and sort his own place where he can have the kids, and finance their days out etc independently of a partner.

Namenamchange · 27/10/2023 13:01

Whose children ? Your brothers children? Or does have have children of her own?

your brother really needs to provide for his own children , and if he’s only having then EOW then this shouldn’t be hard.

your brothers GF needs to get rid of him asap. She’s sounds like a cash cow to him.

HakunaMatiłda · 27/10/2023 13:01

@missblooming

Why don’t you offer your brother to move in with you. And then instead of spending money on your own interests you give all your money to your brother to spend on his kids.

workshy46 · 27/10/2023 13:02

Even if she didn't spend the money on dog food, why should she spend HER money on HIS children?? The level of his entitlement is staggering
Not only does he want her to provide a place for him and his children as well but thinks she should fund treats etc and clear off his debt while doing it too. God forbid she should spend her money how she wants to

CasaAmarela · 27/10/2023 13:02

FrippEnos · 27/10/2023 12:54

You did.
but you did post

"No I don't think it's fine for kids to go without whilst a dog is spoilt rotten"
I am curious to know if you think that the dog is being "spoilt rotten".

Show quote history

What the hell are you talking about? I don't think the dog is being spoilt, I was quoting OP. and I think it's obvious what I meant given the fact it was followed by "however.".

What I meant is theoretically I don't think it's OK for children to go without while a dog is "spoilt rotten" as OP put it (if the children were shared) HOWEVER...I then go on to say they are not shared and therefore not her responsibility. You could argue if the children were shared and the family was running low on money then buying cheaper dog food would be appropriate however they are not shared, as I stated.

I don't know why you're fixating on my comment.

hellhavenofury · 27/10/2023 13:02

My dog would always come first before some mans children! If he cant afford treats for his kids, that is on him! No she isnt responsible for them AT ALL!

Resilience · 27/10/2023 13:03
L_
Dweetfidilove · 27/10/2023 13:03

I don’t even like dogs, but I’d choose the dog over him.

I wonder why you don’t want him, but think she should hang on to him.

I'm actually proud of her for shifting him and hope you will come back to report that you and your brother haven’t succeeded in gaslighting her to keep him.

HighywayToHell · 27/10/2023 13:04

I wonder if the girlfriend was aware the now dumped ex was planning on 50/50 custody when he moved in. I would bet a bag of £80 dog food she wasnt told and still doesnt know this was the plan.

FrippEnos · 27/10/2023 13:04

CasaAmarela · 27/10/2023 13:02

What the hell are you talking about? I don't think the dog is being spoilt, I was quoting OP. and I think it's obvious what I meant given the fact it was followed by "however.".

What I meant is theoretically I don't think it's OK for children to go without while a dog is "spoilt rotten" as OP put it (if the children were shared) HOWEVER...I then go on to say they are not shared and therefore not her responsibility. You could argue if the children were shared and the family was running low on money then buying cheaper dog food would be appropriate however they are not shared, as I stated.

I don't know why you're fixating on my comment.

Show quote history

I'm not fixated, I am just asked for clarification.
Which you have given
Thank you.

Avocadot0ast · 27/10/2023 13:04

Massive 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼 to the GF putting her foot down and telling a very entitled arrogant man to pack his bags by the end of the month. Who the hell does he think he is dictating how she spends her money? Let alone TELLING her to get rid of her very much loved pet?

Have you seen what’s going on at the moment with the cost of living crisis? People are rehoming pets left right and centre, the rehoming centres are losing money while being full to bursting! Yet still more people banging on the doors to give their pets up. Then we’ve got them being given away on FB and ending up in awful circumstances, abandoned and even put to sleep. Your brother seriously thinks it’s acceptable to tell her to give up a very much loved, afforded BY HER as he doesn’t contribute to the dogs care, well looked after pet so she can ….checks notes…pay for his children to have treats, help him clear his debt and prove him and his kids are higher on the pecking order.

What a catch he was!

Have you got his room ready?

RubyGemStone · 27/10/2023 13:05

It doesn't matter the whys, the relationship is unsalvageable.

Person A has said their priority is the dog over Person B, to the extent they are prepared to lose Person B entirely.

Whether Person A is justified in doing that can be debated endlessly, but A & B will never be able to have any kind of decent relationship after this point as the pecking order has been established. People don't have to justfiy if they like someone more or less than a pet if they're prepared to face the consequences of this decision.

This is why ultimatums never work, everyone ends up full of resentment.

BotterMon · 27/10/2023 13:05

"The dog is treated like a prince whilst the children go without. He isn't dicating (sic) how she spends her money"

They are not her children and yes he is as he obviously thinks her money should go on his kids not her dog.

Really hope she gets rid of him pdq as she would be a mug to remain with him.

QueenofTerrasen · 27/10/2023 13:06

Ermm they aren't his kids? Why the fuck should she be worrying about whether he can afford to take them to the cinema? His debt, his finances are his bloody problem.
Good for her - your brother sounds like a massive waste of space.

Mushroom2023 · 27/10/2023 13:06

Why does your brother need to take his kids to the cinema or Macdonald's if they come to visit?

If he can't afford those things, he can't afford them. Plenty of cheaper or free activities he could do with the kids, which could be just as much, if not more fun. Neither a cinema trip nor a trip to MacDonald's are cheap. What's wrong with a walk in the park (especially if accompanied by a dog), a family movie night at home or teaching the kids to make (more healthy) home-made burgers? All considerably cheaper than the cinema and teach the kids more about enjoying time together, or giving them skills they will use in adulthood (ie cooking).

Entertaining kids doesn't have to involve lots of massively expensive activities!

Spareus · 27/10/2023 13:06

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:14

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

You know the cheap nasty dog food is junk yes? How she feeds her dog is her business. How your brother feeds his kids is his - and not her responsibility.

and of course you do not assume responsibility for a boyfriends kids - that joy is for their parents. Your brother is the problem here.

PixiePirate · 27/10/2023 13:06

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:14

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

Absolutely none of this is her problem though. It sounds as though the girlfriend’s dog is her baby and that’s entirely her prerogative. It’s her house, her dog and her money. Your brother’s children, debt and living expenses are his issue alone.

Wishitsnows · 27/10/2023 13:07

Well done to that girl! I hope she doesn’t take him back. He is a cocklodger who expects her to get rid of her dog, monitors what she spends, thinks she should spend her money on his kids because of his debt and he is clearly wanting to live there to get shared custody of his kids in order to stop paying maintenance for them. What a prince!

Sarahconnor1 · 27/10/2023 13:07

HighywayToHell · 27/10/2023 13:04

I wonder if the girlfriend was aware the now dumped ex was planning on 50/50 custody when he moved in. I would bet a bag of £80 dog food she wasnt told and still doesnt know this was the plan.

Or if she was aware of the expectations that would be placed on her.

I'd bet another bag of dog food that she would end up having the bulk of childcare responsibility too.

QueenofTerrasen · 27/10/2023 13:08

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:14

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

They. Are. Not. Her. Responsibility.

It's up to your brother to provide adequately financial support for HIS children. Not his poor girlfriend.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 27/10/2023 13:08

The girlfriend is not a rehab centre for your brother. He is demanding she change her life to suit his wants, his kids etc. She already let him move in and he’s now trying to make her change arrangements both she and the dog were happy with (like fuck would I make my dog unhappy for a new boyfriend) and whinging about “fairness” it is fair that he looks after his kids, pays his way and has his own home, she had no responsibility to clear his debt etc.

Sounds like she had a lucky escape to me.

rougechaotic · 27/10/2023 13:08

CwmYoy · 27/10/2023 12:55

Only the idiotic would compare children's needs to a pet. It isn't me spouting rubbish here.

Edited
Show quote history

The children are not homeless or starving on the street. He wants to take them to a movie and buy them mcdonalds – that's his responsibility.

She is allowed to spend as much as she wants on dog food for the dog she had before she even knew this loser who seems to be expecting everyone else to take care of his kids apart from himself. And why on earth would she ever be responsible for paying off debts that he accumulated before he even met her?!

To think that she owes him or his children tickets to the cinema, mcdonalds, and repayments on debt is complete rubbish.

muddyford · 27/10/2023 13:09

When I met DH he was pretty ambivalent about my dog. If he had ever said I had to choose between them, I would have absolutely chosen the dog. Luckily he calmed down and rapidly became a normal besotted dog lover.

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