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Original poster

How can my brother salvage this situation

1000 replies

missblooming · 27/10/2023 11:19

I'm a long time user, but have set up a new name for this as I dont want it linked to my previous posts. My brother moved in with his partner about six months ago and things were going great apart from one thing, she has a huge dog and it constantly causes rows between them. Things came to a head last week and he told her it needed to go or he would, and she basically said that's fine, my brother needed to go by the end of the month.

They were so happy together and made for a nice couple. My DB was getting his life back on track, and had hoped with his new living arrangements that he would get joint custody of my niece and nephew and be able to spend some more time with them- which would be great for our whole family.

The dog had been sleeping in the GF room when he moved in, which obviously he wasnt happy with so she moved it to a spare room, but when the kids come to stay they dont like staying in what they call the 'dogs room'. Obviously it lets them know where they are in the pecking order! My DB asked for it to go in the kitchen and the GF started to dig her heels in and its become a real bone of contention.

Apart from the dog, I have never seen my brother so happy. It seems a shame that a relationship can be ruined for such a silly reason. I want to help him salvage it, but not sure where to go from here. He has gone from indifference to the dog to being absolutely fixated on it as the problem- things like she'll spend £80 on a bag of food when he's trying to clear credit card debt and cant afford to take the kids to the cinema, he just cant see past it, particularly now shes picked the dog over him.

How can we help her see that she is being unreasonable, or how can my brother let this go? I really don't want him moving back in here, and it will also mean that he is further away from getting shared custody of his kids.

OP posts:
Judydoes2 · 27/10/2023 13:16

Imperfectp3rf3ction · 27/10/2023 13:12

Hope you had him beside you to read these responses 🤭

if she did, she's not returned to the thread because she's off consoling her darling brother about how we're all meanies who obviously don't understand what hardship he's been through

Beangrove · 27/10/2023 13:17

Fucking hell I've been married to my DH for years, and if he told me I needed to spend less of my money (we have mostly separate finances) on the dog so he could use it to treat his kids he'd still be told to piss right off!

Miyagi99 · 27/10/2023 13:17

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:14

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

No, they’re not married. She offered for him to move in and HIS children to stay in the other bedroom, that’s above and beyond her responsibilities to him and his children.

giraffetrousers · 27/10/2023 13:18

Also, why is he so reliant on women and unable to grow some fucking balls?:
A woman does the main parenting (and funding) of his children
A woman is expected to spend her cash on his kids
A woman is expected to get rid of her own dog because he needs that woman to mould her life to him and his kids
A woman is coming online looking for how to fix this for him

This is what jumped out at me too! I am surprised he can even wipe his own arse- or does your mum do that for him too?

skippy67 · 27/10/2023 13:18

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:14

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

They're not her kids though.

landbeforegrime · 27/10/2023 13:18

It's all been said already but I had to weigh in. is this an elaborate reverse? I cannot believe the entitlement and bonkers attitude. YABU. very U.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 27/10/2023 13:18

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:14

You can get bags of dog food for £30 you can get bags of dog food for £80. Would you all really be able to let it wash over you that £50 is being spent on special food for the dog, rather than a special meal for actual children. And of course when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

Have you heard the phrase NATCHO for step parents @missblooming ? As in not your kids, not your problem…same applies.

i think you just don’t want him moving back with you, which is fine, but don’t do his ex girlfriend down- she is an example of a responsibility dog owner and a women who takes no controlling shit form men #myhero.

and by the way she is his ex and the relationship is over….

StrangePaintName · 27/10/2023 13:18

Honestly, OP, I wonder if you can actually be serious. I loathe domestic pets of any variety, but it’s still quite clear to me that your brother doesn’t get to dictate someone else’s priorities, just because his family have lost their minds and regard his girlfriend as some kind of helpful instrument to ‘get him back on his feet’ as regards accommodation and finances!

He sounds quite astonishingly arrogant.

LadyGrinningSoul85 · 27/10/2023 13:19

If she's the type to pick a bloody dog over him, he's well rid.

I've said it many times, dog owners are obsessive and weird and dogs are horrible.
I wouldn't want to live with one either.

Tonight1 · 27/10/2023 13:19

Why can't he stand on his own two feet @missblooming ?

This is really about him not being able to take care of himself. We can all have periods of that but what can he do to get out of it?

Mycathaschartreuseeyes · 27/10/2023 13:19

Not only do I hope the GF sticks to her guns and slings out the OP's cocklodging CF brother; but I hope she adopts a pack of huskies, feeds them and her big dog on £80 kibble, hitches them all up on a chariot, and rides them past OP's house every day Toyah Wilcox style. So that the CF OP and her sofa surfing CF brother can watch her enjoying her glorious freedom from their vile, user, misogynist family - while they count up pennies from under the sofa cushions to make up the cost of a happy meal.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 27/10/2023 13:20

Was he paying 50% of the costs of living with his girlfriend or was he paying more to also cover his kids?

Changedname81 · 27/10/2023 13:21

You both sound awful
actually. And ridiculously out of touch.
the only good person in this story is the gf… I hope she doesn’t get back with your bro and maybe he can learn some fucking responsibility.

icallshade · 27/10/2023 13:21

OP, you clearly love your brother but you are being so ridiculously unreasonable, I'm shocked that you can't see it yourself..

  1. The GF already made adjustments that she didn't have to make regarding the dog snd your brother still isn't satisfied
  1. She's accommodating your brother seeing HIS children in her home and he's still making further demands. Without being too rude, the dog comes first to her, not his kids.
  1. He's getting irritated by how she spends HER MONEY because he can't afford stuff for HIS kids. Not her kids,not her responsibility. What are you suggesting, that she cuts back on spending her money on what she wants and gives him money to spend on HIS kids?!
  1. You mention how since being with her his life has turned around and that leaving would see that reverse. Its not the GFs responsibility to fix him.

I'd be running for the hills if I was her.

Miyagi99 · 27/10/2023 13:22

I hope she reads this and sees her bf ‘resents’ her dog. Nothing would give me the ick more than a man being jealous of a pet.

Tonight1 · 27/10/2023 13:22

LadyGrinningSoul85 · 27/10/2023 13:19

If she's the type to pick a bloody dog over him, he's well rid.

I've said it many times, dog owners are obsessive and weird and dogs are horrible.
I wouldn't want to live with one either.

I don't actually want a dog however it's more than that, he has debt, moved into her place and expects her to help him with debt and his children

thedogormeitsthedog · 27/10/2023 13:22

My partner has two kids. What he spends on them, whether that be maintenance or treats his out of his pocket, not mine.

My dog is on an expensive dog food. That's out of my pocket and none of his business.

In fact, I famously dumped a prospective when he said he wasn't on for the dog sleeping in the bed. The dog in question was 15 and had dementia and was unsettled at night so he came into bed with me to settle him.

I told the prospective that he would be in the spare room. He said "I'm only saying I'm not on for the dog in the bed" and I said "so am I, there's the door, don't let it bang your arse on the way out". And that was the end of that.

I'm team GF.

Louise303 · 27/10/2023 13:22

I think she is better off without your brother he sounds awful trying to get her to part with her dog. It is her place and her business what she spends on her dog.

Ffsnotaconference · 27/10/2023 13:23

LadyGrinningSoul85 · 27/10/2023 13:19

If she's the type to pick a bloody dog over him, he's well rid.

I've said it many times, dog owners are obsessive and weird and dogs are horrible.
I wouldn't want to live with one either.

He doesn’t have to live with one.

He chose to move in.

Of course she should pick a dog over a man child who thinks he’s girlfriend should be bullied into financing his lifestyle and his kids.

Wether the dog is there or not, isn’t the point really. The point is he tried to bully and manipulate her to free up her own money to fund his responsibilities. That’s weird.

Anyone who thinks a man like that is worth picking at all, is weird and horrible.

aSofaNearYou · 27/10/2023 13:23

LadyGrinningSoul85 · 27/10/2023 13:19

If she's the type to pick a bloody dog over him, he's well rid.

I've said it many times, dog owners are obsessive and weird and dogs are horrible.
I wouldn't want to live with one either.

Read the thread, it's not about the dog. Parents who expect their new partners to pay off their debts and pay for their kids instead of using their money as they see fit are horrible and do not deserve to be in a relationship.

I couldn't give much less of a shit about dogs, and it's still clear from your post that your entire viewpoint is coloured by your dislike of dogs.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/10/2023 13:23

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:05

He absolutely does support his kids! He's a great dad, which is why he wants them to come and be able to live with him. He pays a fortune in maitenance to their mum, there just isn't then enough left for him to do treats like the cinema or even a Macdonalds when they come to visit him and he wants them to have a nice time. The credit card debt is a hangover from their relationship when they had a new kitchen- so again it is him supporting his kids and the mother of his children.

I can't believe that you are all saying that you would be happy to see your kids go without whilst an animal gets spoilt rotten! It's not about him being a 'cocklodger' she knew he had kids when he moved in- so I don't know why the idea that they have a room is so baffling? The dog wont know the difference of where it sleeps.

He loves his GF very much, he's devestated at the thought the relationship might be over. He just cant get passed the resentment of the dog. I had hoped for some advice on that, or helping them reach a compromise as another poster has said this is definetly dogsnet.

Show quote history

You're not listening!

The debt is HIS debt, not his girlfriend's. The children are HIS children, not his girlfriend. The dog is HER child, so if she can afford £80 for a bag of food rather than the £30 that YOU want her to restrict herself to spending, she can damned well spend £80!

Try putting yourself into her shoes for just two minutes.

She had her own flat, her dog she loves, the dog slept on her bed. Her boyfriend moves in, objects to the dog sleeping on the bed, she compromises and moves the dog to the spare room. Oh, but he wants that to be for HIS children, so the dog has to be shoved out of there too!

"The dog wont know the difference of where it sleeps."
Yes it will. Dogs have intelligence and emotions. It will know the difference, it will feel the difference. And his girlfriend not only knows the difference, she CARES.

"He just cant get passed the resentment of the dog."
And that is why the relationship is over - HIS resentment.

"I had hoped for some advice on that, or helping them reach a compromise as another poster has said this is definetly dogsnet."
No, you did not want them to reach a compromise, you wanted his girlfriend to yield to your brother. But - it's her flat. It's her dog. She's already compromised by moving the dog out of her bedroom. Your brother has just come up with another demand. He needs to get his own place.

badhappenings · 27/10/2023 13:23

He really shouldn't and neither should you expect her or for that matter anyone to fund his life style for issues and mistakes he's made in the past. That does make him a cock-lodger.

I would imagine the dog's got special dietary requirements - I don't suppose you or him have even considered that.

I understand there should be some give in all relationships, but some partners will always see other people's children as other people's children.

He/you on the other hand see it very differently.

Their expectations of one and other on this are worlds apart and highly incompatible. This won't magically disappear overnight and the rot will set in if it hasn't already.

Resilience · 27/10/2023 13:24

missblooming I think the best way you can help your brother is to sit him down and have a conversation about roles, responsibilities and boundaries.

There is clearly a back-story for your DB involving a separation and restricted access to the DC which he is hoping to improve. Why was his access limited in the first place? If it was because he didn't have somewhere suitable to have the DC overnight, then that's very much on him to have sorted out without looking for a new partner to solve the problem by providing her own accommodation. One of my friends was in a similar situation and absolutely skint but prioritised living independently to be able to have the DC stay. It meant making other sacrifices and not being able to afford to date for a while until circumstances improved, but child contact was considered more important. To me it's a red flag that he has moved in with another woman before getting his own affairs in order. How long post separation was it before he met current GF and then moved in with her? How long had they been together before the Dc were introduced to her and staying over?

He may or may not have a point about the dog. I have certainly seen people treat their pets better than their kids! However, unless the dog is dangerous, she has no obligation to spend her money on your DB or his DC instead of her dog. His debts are not his GF's responsibility.

Did they have a chat about the step-parenting relationship before the DC began staying over? There's a huge difference between being a step-parent and simply being dad's GF who we occasionally stay with. A step parent would usually assume many of the responsibilities of parenting (although not necessarily play the same role as the biological parents). However, as the non-resident parent your DB doesn't even have full responsibility himself so he can hardly expect his GF to organise her life and finances around his DC. At the very least this should all have been discussed before he moved in, and if it wasn't, now is the time to do that.

The biggest thing he needs to rest is his expectation that his GF has a significant role to play in improving his relationship with his own DC. As time goes by, she may well come to have this significance but at a mere 6 months in he needs to massively change his expectations of her. If he wants to see his DC more and have a better relationship with them, that's on him alone. If he hadn't met GF what would he have done? That's what he needs to do now. To be honest, if the dog is such a bone of contention (sorry) I'd recommend they carry on dating but he moves out and gets his own place where he can see his DC on the terms he wants and give them his exclusive attention.

Userwithallthenumbers · 27/10/2023 13:26

LadyGrinningSoul85 · 27/10/2023 13:19

If she's the type to pick a bloody dog over him, he's well rid.

I've said it many times, dog owners are obsessive and weird and dogs are horrible.
I wouldn't want to live with one either.

Maybe OP's brother could come and sponge off live with you?

This isn't about the dog. This is about him wanting to move into her space and then choose how she spends her money.

WeaselCheeks · 27/10/2023 13:26

Sounds like your brother's ex has dodged a bullet, tbh.

  • She allowed him to move into her home.
  • She already compromised on her dog's sleeping arrangements.
  • He's trying to make her skimp on her dog's welfare (not all dog food is created equal) so that she can subsidise his children and debt payments.
  • He's jealous of the dog

Her dog is a part of her family.

If I had a boyfriend who moved into my home and then months later issued an ultimatum that I rehome my pet and said that I should use my money to pay for his debts and his kids, I'd also take that as a massive red flag of controlling behaviour and emotional abuse. Maybe your brother is a nice guy, but this behaviour suggests entitled cocklodger at best, potentially abusive arsehole at worst.

Yes, when you get into a relationship with someone with kids you expect to take on certain responsibilities eventually but... same goes for getting into a relationship with pet owners. Especially if you've moved into the pet owner's house.

She's not being unreasonable, your brother is, and there's nothing for him to get over. He gave her an ultimatum, she gave him her answer.

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