How can my brother salvage this situation

[missblooming]

I'm a long time user, but have set up a new name for this as I dont want it linked to my previous posts. My brother moved in with his partner about six months ago and things were going great apart from one thing, she has a huge dog and it constantly causes rows between them. Things came to a head last week and he told her it needed to go or he would, and she basically said that's fine, my brother needed to go by the end of the month.

They were so happy together and made for a nice couple. My DB was getting his life back on track, and had hoped with his new living arrangements that he would get joint custody of my niece and nephew and be able to spend some more time with them- which would be great for our whole family.

The dog had been sleeping in the GF room when he moved in, which obviously he wasnt happy with so she moved it to a spare room, but when the kids come to stay they dont like staying in what they call the 'dogs room'. Obviously it lets them know where they are in the pecking order! My DB asked for it to go in the kitchen and the GF started to dig her heels in and its become a real bone of contention.

Apart from the dog, I have never seen my brother so happy. It seems a shame that a relationship can be ruined for such a silly reason. I want to help him salvage it, but not sure where to go from here. He has gone from indifference to the dog to being absolutely fixated on it as the problem- things like she'll spend £80 on a bag of food when he's trying to clear credit card debt and cant afford to take the kids to the cinema, he just cant see past it, particularly now shes picked the dog over him.

How can we help her see that she is being unreasonable, or how can my brother let this go? I really don't want him moving back in here, and it will also mean that he is further away from getting shared custody of his kids.

👏🏼

OP - Your brother needs to find another mug who will want to support him and his kids

But the £30 dog food is utter shite, no way would my dog get given that.

The kids aren't going without FFS, there are other ways to spend time as a family than meals out and cinema trips. The dog was there first, your brother moved into his partners place, who has already changed how she cares for her pet to suit your brother once, and he apparently was living with you before? So when has he stood on his own two feet? He's being utterly unreasonable.

You did.
but you did post

"No I don't think it's fine for kids to go without whilst a dog is spoilt rotten"
I am curious to know if you think that the dog is being "spoilt rotten".

Only the idiotic would compare children's needs to a pet. It isn't me spouting rubbish here.

They’re not HER kids though. Her dog is her baby.

the fact he’s said me or the dog says it all

If the Gf was me the dog/s always come first . I cannot believe he didn't know her close relationship with DDog before he moved in to HER home .
He isn't in prison so is free to leave . Never come between a woman and her pets it won't end well

He needs to take responsibility for his debt though, it's not the dog's fault. It can feel overwhelming at the time but it CAN be done.

I had debt myself (my own fault) and only cleared it quite recently and breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Dog cannot be blamed! It's an innocent canine!

She has exactly the same degree of responsibility towards his children as he has towards her dog.

PS - I don't even like dogs.

Even if she bought £30 dog food instead of £80 dog food why would she then automatically spend that £50 on McDonald’s for her boyfriends children @missblooming

I mean, it’s not like the children are living on the streets and starving while her dog has the bedroom to itself and lives on steak (although it would be your brothers problem, not hers if they were). They are fed and housed. So you’re having a hissy fit over treats.

Even if you accept that she could buy basic dog food and have money leftover - why the assumption that should be spent on treats for his children, rather than treats for her or her dog? Give that it’s her money.

Think it all boils down to, not wanting your brother living with you again.

HRTFT but your DB is a cheeky fucker. I'm astounded he thinks he can demand any of this. She needs to boot him ASAP.
I hope this is bollocks because you're almost as bad as he is going by your OP.

McDonald’s and cinema aren’t a need for any child.

I love the GF! Standards and knowing her worth.

You must be a troll. Nobody would think this brother is being reasonable, unless they were a deluded idiot.

Why should she get rid of her dog just because he tells her to? The dog was there before him.
Why should she feed her dog cheap food if she doesn't want to? Her pet, her choice of food to feed it.
Why should she be careful with her money, just because her relatively new boyfriend has debt? His problem, not hers.
She's invited him to live in her home, invited his children to stay, and now he expects to be able to chuck his weight around and tells her to get rid of her pet and watch her spending so that his debt is paid off quicker?
Really????

It’s her money to do what she wants with it. The kids are your brothers responsibility and his only!
He’s very lucky to have met someone who is willing to have his kids to stay regularly and now you expect her to contribute to their meals etc too.
Entitled much!

This is absolutely nothing to do with the dog, it'd be exactly the same if he was whining about her spending money on her hobby or nights out instead of McDonald's and cinema trips for his kids, and money towards paying off his debt from a previous relationship. It's her that's had a lucky escape.

They're not her children.
She can spend her money on whatever she wants. She's choosing to spend it on food for her dog.

Incidentally, I couldn't give a shit about dogs, but I do care about women being expected to spend their money on other people's children because one or both of the parents is too bone idle to sort their own life out.

To answer your question about how your brother can salvage this situation, he can't. It's sounds like he's got 4 days left to live there so he needs to crack on with making other arrangements.

I suspect your interest in this is that you don't want him back with you so you're desperate to help him manipulate this other woman into letting him stay.

The best thing you can do is support him with making alternative arrangements for living somewhere. Perhapes get him the phone numbers for the local authority.

Anticipate that she may well change the locks come the end of the month. If it's her house she is within her rights to do so and she has given him that timescale for moving out.

It sounds like his GF has had a lucky escape!

I really don't want him moving back in here

This is really the crux of the issue here isnt it? you dont want him living with you and sponging off you. Well, why dont YOU cut back on luxuries you enjoy or eat more plain food so your brother's kids can have mcdonalds seeing as apparently thats such an injustice in your eyes eh? Perhaps if your brother hadnt blown all his money on a new kitchen, he'd be able to feed his own children.

But OP if I’ve understood correctly, the dog is hers, the kids are not hers. So I think your comparison between the dog and the kids is unfair really, “happy to see your kids go without while a dog gets spoilt rotten” only really works if both the kids AND the dog are hers. If the kids were hers I would absolutely agree with you, but as they aren’t and the dog is, she’s not responsible for paying for his kids, she can spend her money however she wants even if that is on the dog.

I think it’s going to be difficult to reach a compromise because this was all “hers” first. It would be different if they bought a flat/house together and then were navigating dogs/children, but as it is her household was already established, it was hers and the dogs home first, he joined later and it sounds like he needs to live there much more than she needs him there, so she has no motivation to compromise. I wouldn’t like it if someone moved in with me, hoping they would be able to have their kids at my house, but then started telling me where my dog was and wasn’t allowed to sleep and what I could and couldn't spend my money on. And that doesn’t just apply because it’s the dog, it sounds as if she’s done him a favour by letting him move in and he gets much more out of it than she does (having his kids there), so I would probably be the same as her in that he either needs to fit into the household he joined or find somewhere else

I think we all know why haha

It's miles more fun to go for a walk on the beach or visit a museum/historic site. Anyway that's only my personal opinion and what I remember from childhood.

You need to give your head a wobble. YOU do not want him moving in with you but his Gf is supposed to have him and his DC and not keep her own dog and certainly not give dog good food the money of which should go for HIS children? His debt is totally his responsibility - unless YOU want to take it on? You are being very unreasonable.

Oooh, wonder if the OP/fiction writer is coming back to the thread to defend their position?

I disagree. I've read 100s of posts on here where a woman has a man like OP's brother in her life and really thinks she's being unfair because she doesn't want to pay for his kids.

Or where a woman has a cocklodger and while lots of people will tell her that, others will tell her that it's right he doesn't pay any rent as "then he'll have a claim on your house."

So it's not entirely possible it's true.

My guess is the brother has always been cared for by his family. And they all think it's reasonable for him to be treated specially. I bet he's charming and funny and kind and that allows him to get away with murder. Is he the youngest?