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Original poster

How can my brother salvage this situation

1000 replies

missblooming · 27/10/2023 11:19

I'm a long time user, but have set up a new name for this as I dont want it linked to my previous posts. My brother moved in with his partner about six months ago and things were going great apart from one thing, she has a huge dog and it constantly causes rows between them. Things came to a head last week and he told her it needed to go or he would, and she basically said that's fine, my brother needed to go by the end of the month.

They were so happy together and made for a nice couple. My DB was getting his life back on track, and had hoped with his new living arrangements that he would get joint custody of my niece and nephew and be able to spend some more time with them- which would be great for our whole family.

The dog had been sleeping in the GF room when he moved in, which obviously he wasnt happy with so she moved it to a spare room, but when the kids come to stay they dont like staying in what they call the 'dogs room'. Obviously it lets them know where they are in the pecking order! My DB asked for it to go in the kitchen and the GF started to dig her heels in and its become a real bone of contention.

Apart from the dog, I have never seen my brother so happy. It seems a shame that a relationship can be ruined for such a silly reason. I want to help him salvage it, but not sure where to go from here. He has gone from indifference to the dog to being absolutely fixated on it as the problem- things like she'll spend £80 on a bag of food when he's trying to clear credit card debt and cant afford to take the kids to the cinema, he just cant see past it, particularly now shes picked the dog over him.

How can we help her see that she is being unreasonable, or how can my brother let this go? I really don't want him moving back in here, and it will also mean that he is further away from getting shared custody of his kids.

OP posts:
Goldbar · 27/10/2023 12:48

when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

And now she's decided she doesn't want to be involved.

Jins · 27/10/2023 12:49

Itsgettingweirdnow · 27/10/2023 12:35

@ThreeTescoBags No, I was pointing out to the Op, that you cannot put a post up about pets on here - and get a measured response. You see it time and time again. Also why does it have to be either or? You should be able to feed the dog and also go to the cinema. I do not have pets, so perhaps I am missing something 🤷🏾‍♀️ I would hope that if the GF in question had a baby, she would forgo the expensive dog food so she could perhaps go to a paid for mother & baby class etc.

I think you probably are missing something. Are you imagining that the £80 bag of dog food is a small pouch? £80 gets a 14kg bag of royal Canin for example which could last a month or more.

Personally I would buy decent pet food over paying to go to a mother and baby class which I thought were the biggest waste of money out.

WanderleyWagon · 27/10/2023 12:49

Why would your brother moving out of his girlfriend's place mean that he moves back in with you? Did he move out of your place to move in with her? I can totally see that you don't want to be responsible for a grown adult - but nor, presumably, does she.

It is not reasonable of your brother to expect her to subsidise his visits with his children, or his debt repayments. If she realised that these were his expectations, I'm not surprised that she asked him to move out.

If your brother currently doesn't have somewhere to live, that is only his problem - not yours, unless you make it yours, and not hers. I understand that you love him, and I wish him well in rebuilding his life, but he shouldn't be trying to do it at the expense of other people.

Shade17 · 27/10/2023 12:49

She’ll be well rid of him

justcantgetenough · 27/10/2023 12:49

Your brother needs to move out and get his own place.

His girlfriend is not responsible for HIS children, she can spend her money on whatever she likes, she is not responsible for entertaining his kids. Why should she also pay off his debt if this built up with his ex.

It's not going to work if your brother resents the dog and sees it as being spoilt. I assume the girlfriend has had the dog for a while and no kids so the dog is her family, the dog was there first.

Yes maybe she could comprise on the dog's sleeping arrangements and the dog could sleep in kitchen or lounge. So the kids have a room but again his kids!

As said brother needs to get his own place and build his relationship with his kids and see how the relationship goes living apart.

Userwithallthenumbers · 27/10/2023 12:50

OutOfSyncWithReality · 27/10/2023 12:40

THEY ARE NOT HIS CHILDREN has just become the new cancel the cheque 😂

Except that they ARE his children. They are not HER children.

Sunrisemouse · 27/10/2023 12:50

A £30 bag of dog food could be like having Macdonald's for every meal.

It's her money, she is responsible for her dog and your brother is responsible for his kids. Are you saying she should be funding them?

WinterDeWinter · 27/10/2023 12:50

Also why was he 'obviously' not happy with the dog sleeping in the GF room when he moved in?

MotherFUCKER I'm getting more and more enraged hahaha!

Doggymummar · 27/10/2023 12:50

This is the weirdest thread in a long time. Which came first the dog or the bf and kids.? Oh the dog did, there's your pecking order right there. FFS she is well rid of the lot of your sponging family.

ownedbymydog · 27/10/2023 12:50

I’m so sorry OP, looks like your prodigal DB is coming back to stay with his big sis! And JUST when you thought you’d got rid.🙄

MargotBamborough · 27/10/2023 12:50

missblooming · 27/10/2023 12:05

He absolutely does support his kids! He's a great dad, which is why he wants them to come and be able to live with him. He pays a fortune in maitenance to their mum, there just isn't then enough left for him to do treats like the cinema or even a Macdonalds when they come to visit him and he wants them to have a nice time. The credit card debt is a hangover from their relationship when they had a new kitchen- so again it is him supporting his kids and the mother of his children.

I can't believe that you are all saying that you would be happy to see your kids go without whilst an animal gets spoilt rotten! It's not about him being a 'cocklodger' she knew he had kids when he moved in- so I don't know why the idea that they have a room is so baffling? The dog wont know the difference of where it sleeps.

He loves his GF very much, he's devestated at the thought the relationship might be over. He just cant get passed the resentment of the dog. I had hoped for some advice on that, or helping them reach a compromise as another poster has said this is definetly dogsnet.

Show quote history

I can't believe that you are all saying that you would be happy to see your kids go without whilst an animal gets spoilt rotten!

Since when is "feeding your dog" spoiling it rotten?

Are you aware that pet owners have a legal duty to provide adequate care for their pet, which quite obviously involves feeding it?

Are you seriously suggesting that your brother's girlfriend should stop buying food for her dog and give money to your brother so he can take his children to the cinema? What the fuck??

She was absolutely right to ask him to move out and I hope she stands firm on this.

The best way for you to support your brother is not to help him sponge off a partner but to tell him to stop being a dickhead and sort himself out so he can actually provide for his own kids, all by himself, without any help from someone who isn't their mother.

anonimoxyz · 27/10/2023 12:50

I knew his credit card debt would be down to his ex and that he'd pay extremely generous maintenance. Cocklodgers always have the same playbook

XelaM · 27/10/2023 12:51

Woahtherehoney · 27/10/2023 11:22

She isn’t being unreasonable at all - your brother is. If when he moved in she said she’d rehome the dog that’s one thing - but that was never the intention. It’s her dog, how dare your brother try and tell her what to do with it.

Your brother either needs to accept his girlfriend AND the dog or she isn’t the one for him, simple as that.

and what she does with her money is HER business - why should she pay off his debt?!?

Edited

All of this.

I'm glad she dumped your brother. He sounds awful.

ClarkGablesMoustache · 27/10/2023 12:51

CwmYoy · 27/10/2023 12:43

There's no reasoning with those who think dogs matter more than humans. Lucky escape for him - not a good choice for a partner if she lets the dog have priority.

I don't like dogs and even I can see you're spouting rubbish.

HER dog matters to HER, as it should. She took on responsibility for a dog for its entire life and is treating it well, as she ought.

HIS children matter to him. He ought to be able to provide for them. If he can't, it doesn't become the problem of his current girlfriend.

I bet OP's been supporting and making excuses for her brother his whole life, and just can't see him for what he is.

ChampagneLassie · 27/10/2023 12:51

I’m not a dog owner but your view is myopic. She has a dog she provides for, your brother has children he needs to provide for. I bet he didn’t suggest before moving in that he expected her to reduce her expenditure on her dog to subsidise his kids. They’re not her kids! He does sound like an entitled cocklodger. I’m not surprised she’s encouraging him to jog on. He needs to sort himself out.

TravelInHope · 27/10/2023 12:51

Wow, what a fabulous pile-on.
OP, I quite understand where you are coming from and it’s not unreasonable to be happy for your brother to be happy. I’m sure he is a lovely guy, but the nuances of the situation will need to be sorted out by themselves. 100 posts screaming insults like cocklodger won’t solve any problems I’m afraid. I hope it works out for you all.

Namechange4234 · 27/10/2023 12:51

Your brother knew about the dog before he moved in. I wouldn't move in with someone with a dog. Your brother should have thought this through properly

The children are your brothers. His girlfriend is in no way responsible for the children. It's up to your brother to look after and feed HIS children

Of course the dog comes first for the girlfriend. Its obvious that it should

Your brother should be thankful he has somewhere to live where his children can visit him. He should stop whining and grow up

Oh.... and it DOES matter where a dog sleeps. How dare your brother expect the dog to move to a different room just because he's decided to live with the girlfriend

Mistymist · 27/10/2023 12:52

Why do you care so much about how she spends HER money on HER dog?
And who do you think you are to get yourself involved in a situation that doesn't concern you at all? Your brother is an adult and he should be able to handle the situation. Also, fyi pets are not disposable!

Miyagi99 · 27/10/2023 12:52

missblooming · 27/10/2023 11:35

He is absolutely not a bully. He would never say to her that she CAN'T spend her money like that- it is just one of the things that has really started to grate on him recently that he is noticing and feels unfair. There are lots of these kind of things that are just adding up over time. The dog is treated like a prince whilst the children go without. He isn't dicating how she spends her money, it is just what is adding to the resentment of the dog.

It’s not up to her to treat HIS kids, that’s up to him. She can treat the dog as well as she we likes.

pinkbunns · 27/10/2023 12:52

I'm sorry if someone made me choose I would choose my pets all day every day.

Your brother is being very unreasonable here, it is her house, her rules.

Namechange4234 · 27/10/2023 12:52

takealettermsjones · 27/10/2023 12:44

Why don't you want him back at yours OP? 🤔

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I wonder !!!

Sarahconnor1 · 27/10/2023 12:52

Goldbar · 27/10/2023 12:48

when you get involved with someone with kids you take on a degree of responsibilty and care for them!

And now she's decided she doesn't want to be involved.

She realised that the 'degree of responsibility' was far far more than that. She was expected to rearrange her life her home and her finances completely.

While the brother got provided for and brought little or nothing to the table

Userwithallthenumbers · 27/10/2023 12:53

@missblooming if she spends £30 on dog food instead of £80, she still has £50 to spend AS SHE CHOOSES.

And a bag of dog food, regardless of cost lasts a lot longer and is probably of higher nutritional value than a Happy Meal.

keeprollin · 27/10/2023 12:53

That's her fucking dog. She's not gonna get rid of it and why should she? Also laughable the way some people make suggestions that dogs are easy to rehome. They aren't easy to rehome both on a practical and emotional level.
Google it: the levels of oxytocin produced between owner and dog is similar to oxytocin produced between human parent and child. The bond between owner and dog is very strong.

Kick the man out I say! How dare he give this ultimatum.

CasaAmarela · 27/10/2023 12:54

ownedbymydog · 27/10/2023 12:50

I’m so sorry OP, looks like your prodigal DB is coming back to stay with his big sis! And JUST when you thought you’d got rid.🙄

Edited

Maybe he will start trying to dictate how OP spends her money next?

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