How can my brother salvage this situation

[missblooming]

I'm a long time user, but have set up a new name for this as I dont want it linked to my previous posts. My brother moved in with his partner about six months ago and things were going great apart from one thing, she has a huge dog and it constantly causes rows between them. Things came to a head last week and he told her it needed to go or he would, and she basically said that's fine, my brother needed to go by the end of the month.

They were so happy together and made for a nice couple. My DB was getting his life back on track, and had hoped with his new living arrangements that he would get joint custody of my niece and nephew and be able to spend some more time with them- which would be great for our whole family.

The dog had been sleeping in the GF room when he moved in, which obviously he wasnt happy with so she moved it to a spare room, but when the kids come to stay they dont like staying in what they call the 'dogs room'. Obviously it lets them know where they are in the pecking order! My DB asked for it to go in the kitchen and the GF started to dig her heels in and its become a real bone of contention.

Apart from the dog, I have never seen my brother so happy. It seems a shame that a relationship can be ruined for such a silly reason. I want to help him salvage it, but not sure where to go from here. He has gone from indifference to the dog to being absolutely fixated on it as the problem- things like she'll spend £80 on a bag of food when he's trying to clear credit card debt and cant afford to take the kids to the cinema, he just cant see past it, particularly now shes picked the dog over him.

How can we help her see that she is being unreasonable, or how can my brother let this go? I really don't want him moving back in here, and it will also mean that he is further away from getting shared custody of his kids.

Ohhhh of course, if he can get 50/50 custody at the girlfriend's house then he won't have to pay maintenance.

What a prince among men he is!

@missblooming

this says it all

the dog is HER responsibility, always has been before your brother landed. She is entitled to spend HER money on whatever she wants and if that’s £80 dog food, her choice

the kids are the responsibility of your BROTHER, HE is responsible to provide food, housing etc not her. HE has no right to get cross about her spending HER money on the dog

the dog was there first, but my guess is she is not spending enough in HIS kids for his liking

She js not being unreasonable your BROTHER is

missblooming
Your brother's girlfriend is just that - his girlfriend. She isn't responsible for helping him pay back his debts from his previous relationship. She isn't financially responsible for his kids. He is.
You have obviously had to suck up having him and his kids to stay and didn't much like it. He obviously cant have his kids living with him because he can't afford it yet. I am sure you will be OK with him living cheaply at yours so he can pay for these treats.

He needs to work towards getting his own place where his kids can have a bedroom and he can get on with being a single father. If I was his girlfriend I would also be telling him to move out. Why should she get rid of her dog or feed him differently because your brother cannot afford his expenses?

Sorry hon both you and your DB are the unreasonable ones and I suspect it might be in DPs best interests to move on tbh 🤷‍♀️

I can see why the OP did a name change for this issue......

the ex GF is well rid. First me makes her move the dog to the spare room, then the kitchen, even when the kids aren't there, and in her own house. They've been living together for 6 months and already he's resenting her spending her own money on her own dog, rather than take his kids out for a meal. Your loser DB needs to start affording his own meals out and not leeching off women he's dating.

@DaftyInTheMiddle i love you 😂

OP you and your brother are so beyond unreasonable that it's difficult to believe you're not just here to wind everyone up. There's no point in me repeating what everyone else has said. Read the responses carefully. You asked in aibu and the answer is yes.

There's no way I'd give my dog crap food, make him sleep in the kitchen or give him up so that some bloke I'd been living with for six months could take his kids for a burger and pay off his credit card debt. Anyway, cheap dog food is a false economy as it can cause all sorts of other issues.

If you're that bothered about the kids having treats how about you pay for them? After all you're a blood relation, unlike her.

This thread.

I absolutely would not get rid of my dog for a partner. Dogs are a lifelong responsibility. She's also done more than I would do to move the dog into the spare room-that sort of thing can traumatise dogs, suddenly feeling they're no longer of the same status-and dogs being unhappy can cause all sorts of problems, (toileting issues, anxiety, fear aggression even)so I am not sure she should have done even that.

However as regarding the rest of it, I want some bloody life lessons from this woman!

She isn't responsible for his children. He is.

He KNEW she had this dog, knew where it slept, before he moved in. It sounds as if he's only moved in with her to have somewhere to have his children. Which is awful in itself but if that is ever going to work, he needs to accept the dog.

She's done absolutely the right thing in putting her foot down and not getting rid of her pet.
And he sounds like a right catch! No wonder you don't want him living with you, OP!

Ahhh yes, this is the crux of it

I'm another who can't stand dogs but still thinks your brother is out of order.

Cheek of him to say it's him or the dog and I'm glad the GF chose wisely!

As 100% of posters have pointed out, his kids are not her responsibility financially or otherwise.

There is no "fixing" this. She's made her decision and he would do well to focus on sorting himself out now with a place of his own etc and not try and take advantage of the next woman he dates.

I read this thinking it was going to be a reverse. I'm shocked that it isn't!

I'm not a doggy person myself but I do understand that when someone gets a pet it should be a lifelong commitment and member of the family/household. The GF is absolutely right in her position. The kids have two actual parents to fund, house and feed them and take them to the cinema. The GF is not either of those people!

Why on earth should she cut back on her usual spending for her loved pet to fund treats for someone else's children? If their father wants to treat them he has to pay. He says he can't because he's in debt paying for his ex's kitchen. Well boo fucking hoo, how is that GF's problem? She's hardly benefitting from the new kitchen is she? Why doesn't your brother get a better job of he needs more money?

Your brother sounds like a user. He sees his GF's house as a means to increase his residency of the children (no doubt he's also expecting GF to act as a free nanny) and for her to subsidise not only his and their living expenses but their "treats" as well!?!

And how does he show his appreciation? He wants her not to feed her dog and get rid of it! Did it honestly not occur to him that she would object to this? It actually sounds as if he's gobsmacked that she's had the audacity to give him the heave ho. Can't think why, he sounds awful. Selfish, scrounging, thoughtless man!

Sorry to be harsh OP but your expectation of his now ex GF is ridiculous. It sounds like your brother wanted to move in with her so he had a place for his kids to stay and a second income to help fund his lifestyle. He wanted to throw his weight around and get the flat working how he wanted it e.g. dog relegated into the kitchen.

Where the dog slept was hardly unknown to him before he moved in, what did he expect?

I'm sorry but she is well rid of him.

Does he actually pay her any money towards rent/bills/food? I don't get why it's any of his business how she's spends her money. Unless she is spending his money on dog food, then it's none of his business.

If he's not paying any / enough rent etc, then why should he have a say? He sounds like a cocklodger to me! She's right to give him his marching orders! And you are completely warped! Sounds like he loves that she has a house with spare rooms for his kids... Rather than loves her!

He's basically saying 'fuck your old life - you live my life now and what's yours is mine'.

OP, I can't believe that you can't see how domineering and exploitative your brother is being. Is he even paying rent? She's being incredibly generous opening her home to him and his kids as it is.

😅😅😅😅
This thread!!!

I would love to know what a "fortune" is in monthly payments in pounds sterling

😅😅😅😅😅

Hahahahaha!

This can't be real, do people like this really exist?!

Ohhh I’m enjoying this thread today! Your brother is loopy. I’m not sure this can be fixed- just when he lands on his feet with another woman in future OP make sure he doesn’t cock that one up

This has to be some sort of joke right😂

I can't believe that you are all saying that you would be happy to see your kids go without whilst an animal gets spoilt rotten!

Are they her children? No. Spending £80 on dog food is hardly spoiling the dog rotten but it’s her money no. Even if they have a joint account then she’s still entitled to spend her share of the money on what she wants. You’re saying your brother doesn’t have money left over for the cinema or mcds and it’s causing resentment. Again, is that her fault?

You’re speaking as if she’s taking money out of the children’s mouth to put towards her dog. Why doesn’t he have his own money look after his kids? He’s moved in to HER place and saying that the dog needs to move rooms so his kids can have a room there. What in the fuck is happening?! She needs to get rid ASAP.

So what happens now? Your brother moves in with you? Is that why you want them to work it out so you’re not burdened with this man child

You are being ridculous op. What's the no doubt massive drip feed as to why your brother can't be independent?

oh, and THEY ARE NOT HER KIDS.

I have a dog. I also have a partner. If he was to move in I wouldn't alter how I lived (and we would have discussed that first) or the food she ate.
Her priority is the dog. He needs to provide for his children not her. It would be nice if she wanted to be extras but I can see her point of view.
If he feels anger and resentment this relationship is dead in the water anyway.

And i wonder how much his desire for 50/50 is motivated by wanting to reduce his maintenance.

AND I bet he's assuming that the GF will be the maid/childminder/responsible for the mental load and emotional labour.

Poor woman.

I'd love to agree but sadly there are men like that out there and they learn this attitude from somewhere. Sounds like a bro and sis have been raised to think sun shines out their arse and everyone should run round them.

I hope she keeps him dumped for good.