Why is it so unfair - everything stacked against her?

[AllTheOdds]

My DD is 18, almost 19, she is smart and funny, but sometimes I feel like she is fighting a losing battle, she had ADHD, has dyspraxia and is dyslexic. I love her to pieces but really she has no 'natural' talents, she isn't creative, not particularly academic, definitely not sporty. She did her a-Levels after getting pretty average GCSEs and got BCC, not enough to do the course she wanted at uni. She has no idea what she wants to do. To top it off, she is incredibly insecure, not massively overweight but not slim, and she would say she isn't pretty (I disagree of course). She's never really had any attention from boys and this upsets her, has one friend but she is going away for uni. We have decided DD will take a gap year, get a job in supermarket or similar and take time to figure out what is next. I should also say, I'm not a high earner nor is my DH, we live in a council house etc.
In contrast, I have one niece who is the same age as DD and sometimes I catch myself being envious of her and I know my DD is too, she is smart, got A/A* at A-level, going to her first choice uni. But on top of that she plays piano, is a pretty good singer, plays tennis well. Has won awards for all sorts, debating, maths, music, writing even art. She has always been the type of person who had everything come to her naturally. She is absolutely gorgeous (like even as her auntie I can appreciate is she above average on looks), had friends etc. she basically has been able to do whatever she wants. My sister and her husband divorced, but are both decent earners. own their homes, no mortgage (small northern town so not an expensive place to buy).
I find myself crying and frustrated, I feel like DD has everything stacked against while my niece has it comparatively easy. Like why is it so unfair? Why do some people seem to be given all the worlds gifts and others all the challenges. I know my niece isn't perfect and has had her struggles (perfectionist, anorexia, anxiety), but comparatively DD seems to have nothing in her favour!!!!

AIBU to be frustrated and envious? to be upset that DD seems to find everything a struggle? What do I do to stop feeling like this??

Please don't get her a job in a supermarket for a year.

Goodness me, such snobbery on here.

Nothing wrong with working in a supermarket for a year (my son did it part-time at the age of 16, stacking shelves and then was "upgraded" to the till, still going to school).

It's a great education, how systems work, learning how to deal with people, cash payments, bank payments etc. Learning how to deal with stuff on your feet. Working with colleagues from all walks of life. All kinds of customers. It's a great #life university#.

AND you get paid for it (always good), not like going to a crap Mickey Mouse course at uni (at the expense of the "bank of Mum and Dad").

I second this. I've recruited to numerous technology roles and GCSEs, A-levels have little relevance. It's about have the relevant professional qualifications. Though your daughter has good grades.

You're attitude towards anorexia comes across as quite off putting. But hopefully that's just clumsily worded post. As lots have said already it's an extremely serious condition. I say that as someone whose family member died from it.

Something else that is typical of ASD - up to 3 years younger emotionally I believe. I see it in DS a lot.

@MariaLuna I've been wondering about ASD too, I think she would fit the bill but school etc always said ADHD and I was never educated enough to question that, now I do wonder if it is ASD.

You've trained your daughter to measure herself with superficial yardsticks.

Also, working in a supermarket is not a gap year.

Sorry mean to take @itsmyp4rty

OP, sounds like your DD has low energy. Now is a good time for a change of scene and a new set of friends, anything to get her out of the house and experiencing new things.

Many dcs go to Uni at this age. My dd (who is autistic, struggled academically at A level and can be socially withdrawn) went to uni last year. She lived in student accommodation. I can quite honestly say that living independently outside our home with other students has been the making of her. It has been a boost to her self esteem. This makes me far happier for her as a parent than the actual uni side of things because dd needed to feel good in herself before she could reach out for other things.

Is there any way you can work with dd to engineer a change of scene. Can she stay with a relative or go to a camp (as another PP suggested). I appreciate she does not like to leave the house and may need persuading. If she does not like it, she can always come back.

I would try to avoid her getting stuck at home in a rut. I think that is hard to break out of. Friends' dcs who got stuck aimlessly at home by default took a few years to get out again.

Slightly shocked by all the PP's saying supermarkets don't teach life skills / are soul destroying.

I worked in and ran supermarkets for many years. As a youngster it was really social, especially with people your own age working there too. Lots of nights out etc. I've made many, many friends for life as well as meeting several boyfriends and my husband through work. Service skills, food safety knowledge, stock management, working with different systems, following instructions, working as a team, etc etc are all great life skills. Working in shops for many years has led me to an amazing job - related to shops but not working in them. Retail management can also pay really, really well.

Anyway.

OP, your daughter will come into her own. I do think you might need to take a bit of a step back and let her make some of these major life decisions. Best of luck.

I actually think a gap year doing some unskilled work isn't a bad idea.

Your DD has some additional needs and I would be focusing on improving her maturity and emotional wellbeing before encouraging her to make decisions about her next steps. Working will help massively with this and if she finds it boring (as I suspect she will) it opens up a conversation about how the only person who can get her more than that is herself.

A job and a hobby are what I'd prescribe for the next 12 months.

She did work placement in a nursery in Y11 and sort of enjoyed it but decided she didn't want to work with kids as they were "annoying

Well she's not wrong there

And if she hated Maths and computer science she did really well to get the grades she got - and she has a fantastic background for well paid IT work - not just software - legal process operations for example or manning a helpdesk? But she will need some work experience first.

I didn't have the confidence to go to Uni, had decided by the time I was 14 it wasn't happening. I was fortunate enough to be reasonably intelligent, just didn't have the courage or confidence and the thought of making a whole new set of friends post-school made me shudder. Worst decision of my life.... your daughter (and you perhaps) might need professional support.

It's clear you love her deeply, but it's not clear you believe in her. It's also pretty clear she neither loves nor believes in herself. My heart goes out to you both, good luck.

If she hated her computer science and maths A levels though, I'd question whether she would enjoy a technology role. Depends whether she hated the teaching/course or the subject matter, I guess.

I don't think it's snobbery but taking a year out of the education system when you have a lot of SEN and then working somewhere not related like a supermarket can make it seem like an overwhelming leap when it comes time to go off to uni. Working at a supermarket alongside doing something else like school or uni = fantastic.

Supermarket work is not unskilled.

But other retail work is more interesting and customers are less likely to be abusive.

I get it OP. My sister is like this but a lot older at age 40.
Achieved a fair bit academically but really struggled to achieve her BA and it wasn't really worth doing on reflection.
2 chronic illnesses, single. No friends. Very shy and timid.
If anything irritating happens such as being the victim of fraud or being bullied at work then it will happen to her.
As a family we do worry. No advice but I do know how it feels to feel for them and wish their lives were easier.

Your DD hasn’t got everything stacked against her,
She has done well in her A Levels
ADHD, I’ve found, can be a pain but it also enables me to be far more innovative
so what if she’s carrying a few extra lbs? At least she hasn’t suffered an eating disorder
She has both her parents at home
She has parental support to take some time to think what she wants to do.

Sounds like she has plenty going for her tbh.

I think she needs to spend this year doing everything she can (and you can) to increase her confidence- whatever she earns she needs to spend some of it in counselling, maybe some PT sessions with someone who can work with her dyspraxia? Retake an a- level if that will help.

Research courses, discuss moving out of home and put things in place to work towards it.

learn to drive if her dyspraxia doesn’t prevent it.

this year is about building her up, stopping comparing her to others and realise how amazing she is.

With those grades she could do many courses, especially the ones relating to her B. It sounds to me like the real problem is that your daughter is depressed lacking in confidence, or both. I agree with you that money and opportunities might have played a part, but you can't let that define you. I think she (and you) need to focus on her confidence. So whatever she does during this gap year needs to build her up - socially, or with a skill. Retail is not the job for that.

Get her some career guidance, help her with her CV, get her some nice interview clothes and encourage her to apply to jobs that sound interesting or would give her a tangilble skill. Is there a town or city near enough to commute to?

I think it sounds tough that your DD has dyslexia, dyspraxia and ADHD, which have clearly made education so far difficult for her. However, comparing her to her cousin, who quite frankly sounds like a unicorn is pointless.
There are so many other attributes that your DD could/possibly does have that you’ve overlooked, e.g. kind, curious, emotionally intelligent, hard working, resilient etc. So many of those things are invaluable and often are not acquired by just being ‘lucky’ or ‘unlucky.’
This might sound harsh but maybe you need to change your mindset a little and work with the hand that your daughter has been dealt. There are so many brilliant, successful neurodivergent people out there too.

Remember, the ugly duckling turned into a swan (not calling your daughter ugly, but you get my drift).

While she's working could she do a short Open University course in media to see if it suits her - or even, if she's sure it's her cup of tea, do a proper degree course with them?

good point! I missed that she didn't like the computer science and maths course

I completely understand how you feel, OP, but remember none of your niece's qualities will protect her from bad choices and bad luck. You can have all the best qualities and assets in the world, but none guarantee an easy life or happiness. In some way they make it harder. Beauty and money mean you're never quite sure if you're being valued for yourself, and beauty inevitably fades, which can be very hard to deal with - look at all the desperate cosmetic surgery in ageing film stars.

More than anything you want your daughter to be happy. Hang on to that, and brush away the pangs of sadness. A sunny temperament and confidence in her own skin is worth more than all your niece's advantages combined. Foster those as far as you can, and rejoice that she's healthy and has such a loving mother.

PS. I have very rich/glamorous/well known family living nearby. By everything I've heard, their life is a nightmare.

Not sure why you are thinking gap year rather than trying get a start in a job or doing an apprenticeship as I'm not sure if she wants uni really. Get her to look on the apprenticeship website as there a some good opportunities. You do need to check often and pick through all the childcare and hairdressing ones unless that's what you are after. There are even degree apprenticeships.

Have you looked at degree apprenticeships?

Or just get her to apply for anything she meets the criteria for. Big organisations often have training schemes, supermarkets included.

I think there are loads of people who never had any set idea what they wanted to do. There's a lot of chance in where you get a start.

To be honest, the fact she's not massively ambitious and quite content will probably be a help in being happy.

I wouldn't push media. You really have to want it and it doesn't sound a good fit for her personality.

But she could excel in care work and decide to train in something. Or be fantastic at customer service.

I think a big part of deciding what we want to do is ruling out what we don't want to do.

She just needs to do something, see how it fits and take the next steps from there.

Can I suggest she applies for something like PGL for her Gap Year? Honestly it's the absolute making of some young people. Living away, a complete mixing pot of people, you don't have to be sporty at all. You work hard, all bed and board sorted plus a small wage, meeting young people from literally all over the world.