Why is it so unfair - everything stacked against her?

[AllTheOdds]

My DD is 18, almost 19, she is smart and funny, but sometimes I feel like she is fighting a losing battle, she had ADHD, has dyspraxia and is dyslexic. I love her to pieces but really she has no 'natural' talents, she isn't creative, not particularly academic, definitely not sporty. She did her a-Levels after getting pretty average GCSEs and got BCC, not enough to do the course she wanted at uni. She has no idea what she wants to do. To top it off, she is incredibly insecure, not massively overweight but not slim, and she would say she isn't pretty (I disagree of course). She's never really had any attention from boys and this upsets her, has one friend but she is going away for uni. We have decided DD will take a gap year, get a job in supermarket or similar and take time to figure out what is next. I should also say, I'm not a high earner nor is my DH, we live in a council house etc.
In contrast, I have one niece who is the same age as DD and sometimes I catch myself being envious of her and I know my DD is too, she is smart, got A/A* at A-level, going to her first choice uni. But on top of that she plays piano, is a pretty good singer, plays tennis well. Has won awards for all sorts, debating, maths, music, writing even art. She has always been the type of person who had everything come to her naturally. She is absolutely gorgeous (like even as her auntie I can appreciate is she above average on looks), had friends etc. she basically has been able to do whatever she wants. My sister and her husband divorced, but are both decent earners. own their homes, no mortgage (small northern town so not an expensive place to buy).
I find myself crying and frustrated, I feel like DD has everything stacked against while my niece has it comparatively easy. Like why is it so unfair? Why do some people seem to be given all the worlds gifts and others all the challenges. I know my niece isn't perfect and has had her struggles (perfectionist, anorexia, anxiety), but comparatively DD seems to have nothing in her favour!!!!

AIBU to be frustrated and envious? to be upset that DD seems to find everything a struggle? What do I do to stop feeling like this??

The majority of people are distinctly average with basic grades and average looking and not good at anything in particular , you are the one making unfair comparisons to her cousin who you admit has mental health issue.
I was the chubby average grade person in my family and always compared to my pretty cousins , I have the best job out of the lot of them now and a happy marriage .

Kindly OP - anorexia could have killed your niece. That’s not nothing….

Your daughter sounds completely normal. Normal grades. Normal teen struggles. Normal economic background. I often think it’s much, much better in the long run, to be “normal” than exceptional.

Some personal examples:

I was an academic overachiever- all As and A*s. 1st class degree. More certificates and prizes than you can count. I’m now (aged 35+) in a (creative) job which requires nothing by way of formal qualifications, earning far less than my “academically average” peers from school now, who went into more standard but very solid professions. I can’t even buy my own house. I’m also not terribly fulfilled. Feel a bit like my job is seen as frivolous.

I could go on, but honestly? Truly? Your daughter is completely normal - and in the long run, it will be a more solid foundation to build a real life on. Because in real life- unless you’re an actual prodigy or virtuoso-nobody care about your GCSEs, amazing piano playing or tennis backhand. Like- it literally matters not. If anything all the people I know who were “charmed” as youngsters, have struggled more with adult life, in one way or another, than our average friends.

I would look at apprenticeships. BCC are decent enough grades to get her through.

Maybe consider work experience somewhere like a hospital because there are so many roles and if you don’t like something other roles come up but that would give her a chance to try different areas and decide what she likes and doesn’t like. They usually do a rotation of a variety of roles.

But do you show that to her, in your actions as well as words? You started with "she's smart and funny", followed by talking about her lack of aptitude for both creativity and education.

If she's funny and smart - I guess you mean streat smart/common sense - maybe take a few cheeky recordings of her being funny & smart. Don't embarrass her, but play it to a trusted friend, maybe she's a comedian in the making, if only she had the confidence and knowledge she could be. Keep on keeping on, for her. I'm sure you're doing your best - my folks certainly did and I'd never blame them for how I've turned out (40, fat, lonely), but if there's something you can do, do it.

BTW I don't see any problem with getting her a supermarket job, but do it because she's a great person who the world (inc supermarket) is missing out on, not because it's the best you/she can do in the circumstances. I worked at Tesco at 16/17. I was miserable, sat down, went through the motions. I was polite enough and worked hard - I'd get through lots of customers quick as hell - but that's as far as the effort went. A colleague (50-60 ish) would stand up, sing, whistle, chat away like everyone was amazing. Guess who people wanted to buy their produce from....

I did sort my head out (well, for a while at least) and cheered up at the till, but will never forget the difference as a result of a small change of emphasis.

I think I know what you mean, OP. My boys are completely wonderful, and I'm so proud of them, but neither of them ever got an A at school, they are both dyspraxic and both have Aspergers. One of them was horrendously bullied and struggled to make friends. They've both had times of being quite lonely. When I look at my nieces, born to belong to the popular crowd, full of confidence and ease, strings of As in GCSEs and A levels, I do feel a pang. BUT my boys have had to learn to pick themselves up time and time again, and what they've achieved has been won through a lot of hard work, and I'm really proud of them for that. They also have the kindest hearts of anyone I know.

OP what do you think success is?

BCC grades are fine, she could get in to a uni course. Personally moving away could be the making of her. At uni you kind of start afresh, no one knows you, there’s no stigma to not being sporty, or chubby, or super academic. That’s what I would encourage her to do.

You're being really unreasonable. Anorexia is a severe and dangerous illness, that can be fatal. Plus your niece has had to deal with her parents' divorce.

Both girls have had it hard in different ways. There's no point comparing, focus on helping your daughter.

Being happy, which DD isn't right now, that's what upsets me.

I know for a time my niece wasn't but she is now (infact she is one of the happiest people I know now).

I'm curious about what kind of films and TV she likes... possibly the subject matter might give some clues as to what might interest her?

Definitely not a supermarket job, though... she needs to have other young people around her and exposure to alternative career paths. Is there a local council office nearby? I know several people who started out temping for local government and ended up as professional people in good careers.

Agree with others that your niece has not had things so easy... Her drive to achieve is her strength, but perhaps also her weakness. And, from experience, having too much male attention when you first go to uni is not as great as it might sound.

I'm not going to force her to move out if she isn't ready. I don't think that is a good idea.

You have a normal daughter,
wonderful

Gosh I would be beyond worried if my DD developed anorexia, it's one of my biggest fears for her tbh, given the harm it's caused to some family members. But average grades and a lack of direction at 18 aren't particularly worrying imo. Your DD will find her way as she grows and becomes more confident, she's still and awkward teen. Uni could be the making of her, I'd encourage her to explore options over the next year and give applications another go.

If I was her I would go for an apprenticeship- I work for a bank and they have apprenticeships for various disciplines and you work alongside a degree which they finance - so no debt and you come out with a job. They are hot on d&I and have support for ND colleagues.

I would also add that my favourite activities are binge watching Netflix and watching bondi rescue clips… I earn well above average in my daily job and work hard but I love lazy days. Not sporty or arty but I’m happy I’m life. Your dd will be fine.

Anything and everything to be honest. DD can be so easily influenced by tv though. When she was watching suits she wanted to be a lawyer and when watching greys anatomy she wanted to work in medicine, when she watched happy valley she wanted to be a police officer etc etc, she really doesn't have any idea what she wants to do!!

I know my niece isn't perfect and has had her struggles (perfectionist, anorexia, anxiety), but comparatively DD seems to have nothing in her favour!!!!

I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, OP but dear me! You banged on for half a page about how 'lucky' your niece is and then throw this out at the end of the paragraph as a mere 'aside'?!! These are HUGE issues, OP.

Lots of perfectionists have mental health issues. They punish themselves and have ridiculous boundaries. Lots of anorexics die of the disease. A disease they are unlikely to ever be totally free from. Anxiety can be crippling. It's frightening and all-consuming.

YOU have the choice here to teach your DD that EVERYONE has their cross to bear in life. That being pretty does not make you better than others. That studying as hard as possible gets better grades etc.

This poor me attitude is clearly being passed on to her and it could lead to a lifetime of misery. YOU need to show her that comparing yourself to others is a path that should be avoided. She needs to focus on herself and how to make changes for the better. This mindset will absolutely not get her there!

And please, have more empathy for your niece. Even if she did win a few awards and get into the uni she wanted. It sounds like she's probably worked incredibly hard to get there. You don't get handed A*s for little study!

Jealousy is an ugly colour on literally everyone, OP.

She could be a TA for a year, train as a life guard or a swimming instructor, work in an animal shelter. All of which would add positivity and breadth. There’s a company called Gap 360 who do gap year’ trips’ these are well organised with others of her age, but do have leaders and instructors etc…. Some of the trips are just a week long, definitely worth looking at. I made my dd do one, she was booking another on her flight home!!! ( my dd dropped out of uni last year, took a year doing these sorts of things, it’s been the making of her). Small steps, but make them positive. NPL do short courses, in all sorts of things. Book her on a cooking course, bread making…… anything you think she might enjoy, even if you have to do it with her to start with. Just do it.

She's only 18. In a couple of years she might feel ready to leave home and then she can apply to a different Uni further away, or do some work experience away from home. By then she might have a better idea of what she wants to do.
BCC is a decent set of grades. I didn't do much better than that and DH did considerably worse and we've done ok in very academic jobs.

indoor or outdoor
active or sedentary
with people or more alone
doing or problem solving
numbers or words or things
creative or logical

Why do you think your daughter is not ready to move out of her family home? Many people her age do without choice (eg to go to university). It brings maturity, confidence, independence and may help her discover herself.

I think a gap year working in a supermarket and doing nothing else is wasted. She won’t mature / grow in that year simply because she gets physically older - that happens when she is forced to develop, which she won’t be in that year situation.

Please please look into getting her into technology. Developer/coding kind of world - she's got all the key qualities and she may very well thrive.

I have two teens in very similar situations. One actually does work in a Supermarket, lots of young people do.
Please take the pressure off her, and yourself, for her to 'do something' that other people approve of. One of the most supportive things you can do for her is to give her time to find her thing, you can't do it for her.
One of my DC is definitely not going to Uni, the other is highly unlikely to. Only 30%* of school leavers graduate with a degree. It's not the be all and end all.
Just enjoy her for who she is.

How about you turn your focus on to what she can do?

Because she doesn't want to, any mention of it results in tears, shouting, screaming etc. She's a home girl, hates change (even holidays are really stressful). She went away with her grandparents for a week last summer and had to be brought back on day two as she was miserable/crying etc. She isn't ready to leave home!!