Why is it so unfair - everything stacked against her?

[AllTheOdds]

My DD is 18, almost 19, she is smart and funny, but sometimes I feel like she is fighting a losing battle, she had ADHD, has dyspraxia and is dyslexic. I love her to pieces but really she has no 'natural' talents, she isn't creative, not particularly academic, definitely not sporty. She did her a-Levels after getting pretty average GCSEs and got BCC, not enough to do the course she wanted at uni. She has no idea what she wants to do. To top it off, she is incredibly insecure, not massively overweight but not slim, and she would say she isn't pretty (I disagree of course). She's never really had any attention from boys and this upsets her, has one friend but she is going away for uni. We have decided DD will take a gap year, get a job in supermarket or similar and take time to figure out what is next. I should also say, I'm not a high earner nor is my DH, we live in a council house etc.
In contrast, I have one niece who is the same age as DD and sometimes I catch myself being envious of her and I know my DD is too, she is smart, got A/A* at A-level, going to her first choice uni. But on top of that she plays piano, is a pretty good singer, plays tennis well. Has won awards for all sorts, debating, maths, music, writing even art. She has always been the type of person who had everything come to her naturally. She is absolutely gorgeous (like even as her auntie I can appreciate is she above average on looks), had friends etc. she basically has been able to do whatever she wants. My sister and her husband divorced, but are both decent earners. own their homes, no mortgage (small northern town so not an expensive place to buy).
I find myself crying and frustrated, I feel like DD has everything stacked against while my niece has it comparatively easy. Like why is it so unfair? Why do some people seem to be given all the worlds gifts and others all the challenges. I know my niece isn't perfect and has had her struggles (perfectionist, anorexia, anxiety), but comparatively DD seems to have nothing in her favour!!!!

AIBU to be frustrated and envious? to be upset that DD seems to find everything a struggle? What do I do to stop feeling like this??

I wonder if how your daughter feels about herself is impacting your view of her? GCSE’s are not east to pass and it sounds like she got a perfectly good set of GCSE’s, enough to get onto an A’level course. A’levels are very hard and she got some really good grades. She may not be able to get on her first choice course but she could seek advice and through clearing still get into a course she would like. Many children don’t achieve GCSE’s and more don’t achieve A’levels. None of these are a walk in the park and she has got herself in a great position to go onto higher education, or take up an apprenticeship. Your niece is not your child, so why are you focussing on her? Believe in your own daughter, she sounds great and there is more to life than conventional standards. I can tell how much you love your daughter so just keep on raising her up. She has so much to look forward to and you have given her a fabulous start.

*pretty sure I read this somewhere legit recently.

That's actually great news... it means she is taking a real interest in what her future might look like. It's more than idle fantasising, I think. She just hasn't found the right thing, or the right thing hasn't stuck yet. Give her time - and next time she lands on something that sparks an interest, maybe talk to her about what it is that attracts her to a particular job. If it's the glamour, then it's probably a non-starter, but wanting to help others, for example, might be a starting point.

Happiness is the journey, not the destination.

There are a billion options between supermarket and Russell Group uni.

I matched the profile of your niece when I was 19. I have not lived up to that promise. I'm out-earned by people who didn't go to uni /went to non-RG unis. It's really not the be all and end all.

You've said loads about what she can't do. What does she enjoy? When is she in her element? What makes her lose track of time? What would she do if money were no object?

Meanwhile, I agree with PP that you would benefit yourself from some reframing. Comparison is the thief of joy.

I’d be fucking grateful I didn’t have an anorexic child if that’s the alternative.

I would look at an Apprenticeship. Training Providers are very well equipped to ensure that she gets any necessary reasonable adjustment. Councils and Civil Service are excellent Employers for anyone neurodivergent and also do apprenticeship schemes. She will get the support she needs to shine.

Like I've said the only time she is really happy is at home watching tv/films or playing video games like sims.
She applied to study media, film and culture at uni but not sure it was the right choice and didn't get the grades anyway.

Would your daughter not have been eligible for widening participation at uni. or something similar, due to her having a disability? As far I know, there are different criteria(s) for each university.

What A levels did she do? What university course did she apply to?

Other than retail, what other work is out there? I think there's retail and retail to be honest. For example, working in a bookshop would be much nicer than working in a supermarket. Clothes shops are ok too. What about working in a library? You do need to be able to speak to people but I am not very sociable and I enjoyed library work.

People have been mentioning apprenticeships but degree apprenticeships are very hard to get on. She might get on a slightly lower level one though - kind of repeating the A level stage but getting work experience and new skills. I am guessing there are lots of opportunities around now to improve digital skills if you look for them. She could even work part-time while working through Futurelearn courses and then in a year's time she can reassess what she wants to do, based on what she has learnt.

There must be something she likes!

Also, supermarket work isn't that easy to get.

OP, there are loads of degrees she can do with BCC. She might not be able to do them at a RG Uni- and given RG is only 24 universities in a field of about 130 the majority of students don’t, but she could get in to unis where she could get a good education, make friends, and develops confidence and independence. Many unis also have excellent pastoral support and will be able to offer your DD the support she needs. Look at places like Bournemouth, Winchester, Solent, Chichester, Teeside, Wolverhampton, Leeds Beckett, York St. John, Bath Spa. Her grades might be good enough there and many are still having open days for starting in a few weeks.

What degree was she hoping to do?

Could she get a job in that field for a year? Doesn't have to be the specific work. For example, if she wanted to do a medical degree could she get an admin job in a hospital, GP surgery, dentist? If she's looking at tourism, can she get work with a holiday company in admin or at an airport? That way she's testing the water in the jobs. She'd be seeing what the daily grind is in the job (they all have daily grinds no matter how great the job looks), she may get some valuable experience and having a job in the field on your university application may swing it eventually.

Could she do a degree part time whilst working? Can she do a foundation course to help her get a push into the degree course.

Don't just leap at retail as a stop gap. Get her to see what's available in the area she's interested in. She must be interested in something to choose a degree - even if it's a general one like English rather than a specific one like astrophysics!

Nothing wrong with retail - graduate management schemes testify to that - but not if it's something that has no interest to you. She has reasonable grades for work - getting something that can be transferable will help her a lot next year. My niece did a temp job as a marketing assistant in the summer before she applied for her travel and tourism degree. It helped her at lot at interview and showed a bit of get up and go.

I am sorry I think you need to give your head a wobble. Kids pick up on things subconsciously - you are comparing her to her cousin…and I might add it’s completely skewed you add at the end her cousin has a life threatening eating disorder!
I have adhd - we have strengths like the ability to be great problem solvers as our minds are hyperactive. Just continue to let her follow her heart to discover what she loves to do. Happiness equals success to be not material things.

Ok so she was interested in media and culture. So moving towards digital skills and marketing could work. Working in social media or internal communications, for example. Have you looked at your local council websites for jobs? The application forms are a PITA but stick with them, there are interesting jobs in local government even if they don't pay well.

Your daughter sounds like she has emotional needs much younger than her chronological age OP ?

Is she comfortable around young
children ?

I think she could benefit from some therapy. Working on self-esteem and social skills.

She can do that online or from home. Sounds like she is scared of the world and fearful of failure and wants to hide away.

Hugs and counselling may be needed before other big plans.

She studied Media, Maths and Computer Science, hated maths and computer science to the point of tears most nights.
Applied to do Media. film studies and cultural studies.

I have 4 children and I am proud of their individual accomplishments. My oldest done well in school and is now in university and my second didn't she wants to be a hairdresser and she is happy with her choice and I am proud of both of them.

I think I'd take being average over perfectionism and anorexia

‘Because she doesn't want to, any mention of it results in tears, shouting, screaming etc. She's a home girl, hates change (even holidays are really stressful). She went away with her grandparents for a week last summer and had to be brought back on day two as she was miserable/crying etc’

This really is not normal behaviour for an 18y old. I wonder if something else is going on.

OP I think you are getting a rough deal here from a few replies 😔I understand where you are coming from and have a similar situation. I was the girl who found life easy - I was pretty, thin (not anymore 😂), academic work was easy and I had lots of friends. I didn’t realise how much those privileges meant until my daughter came along who has dyslexia, adhd and struggles with relationships. It breaks my heart to see how hard life is for her. I’m holding tight to the fact that she will absolutely find her way after the trials of school which is definitely not her thing! I think you just have to play it forwards and know that you can be happy without being pretty, clever or thin. It’s about your mindset and ability to find contentment. She’ll be fine but as a mum you will never stop worrying. .

The juxtaposition between:

Why do some people seem to be given all the worlds gifts and others all the challenges.

and:

I know my niece isn't perfect and has had her struggles (perfectionist, anorexia, anxiety)

… is absolutely mindboggling. If I were your sister and found out you and your daughter envied my kid who had anorexia and anxiety, I’d feel ill. Good god.

Give yer head a wobble OP

our niece is a perfectionist with anorexia and anxiety then however it may seem from the outside, she very much doesn't have it easy. Just imagine hoe much pressure she must be putting on herself!

In the same OP you say your niece has something of a charmed, life, and then the above. It can't be both 'easy and difficult'. Which is it? I'll tell you. Your DN does not have it easy. She obviously has had issues, and may have coped badly with her parents splitting up.

I know you are rooting for your daughter, but your jealousy of a troubled niece is spectacularly unattractive.

Rather than a gap year in a supermarket could she not re sit her a levels or do some type of qualification to support her uni application to help her get in to the uni of her choice?

I'd agree with this, she is definitely not as mature as most 18 year olds.
Very easily upset, misses home and not very self sufficient. She did work placement in a nursery in Y11 and sort of enjoyed it but decided she didn't want to work with kids as they were "annoying"

Wow I'd be wondering if you could add ASD to her list bless her from how you've described her. That fear of transitions, feeling lost in life, solo hobbies, spending lots of time alone, not many friends....If she loves staying in watching films though then maybe media, film and culture is actually perfect for her?

Are you sure she can't get on a foundation year at the uni she likes? That's what i'd be looking at. But it sounds a bit like you don't actually want her to go to uni, is that the case? I think it could be really good for her and many are really supportive of SEN now. Mine has ASD and dyspraxia so I understand your worries but you need to keep supporting and encouraging her to move forward.