Why is it so unfair - everything stacked against her?

[AllTheOdds]

My DD is 18, almost 19, she is smart and funny, but sometimes I feel like she is fighting a losing battle, she had ADHD, has dyspraxia and is dyslexic. I love her to pieces but really she has no 'natural' talents, she isn't creative, not particularly academic, definitely not sporty. She did her a-Levels after getting pretty average GCSEs and got BCC, not enough to do the course she wanted at uni. She has no idea what she wants to do. To top it off, she is incredibly insecure, not massively overweight but not slim, and she would say she isn't pretty (I disagree of course). She's never really had any attention from boys and this upsets her, has one friend but she is going away for uni. We have decided DD will take a gap year, get a job in supermarket or similar and take time to figure out what is next. I should also say, I'm not a high earner nor is my DH, we live in a council house etc.
In contrast, I have one niece who is the same age as DD and sometimes I catch myself being envious of her and I know my DD is too, she is smart, got A/A* at A-level, going to her first choice uni. But on top of that she plays piano, is a pretty good singer, plays tennis well. Has won awards for all sorts, debating, maths, music, writing even art. She has always been the type of person who had everything come to her naturally. She is absolutely gorgeous (like even as her auntie I can appreciate is she above average on looks), had friends etc. she basically has been able to do whatever she wants. My sister and her husband divorced, but are both decent earners. own their homes, no mortgage (small northern town so not an expensive place to buy).
I find myself crying and frustrated, I feel like DD has everything stacked against while my niece has it comparatively easy. Like why is it so unfair? Why do some people seem to be given all the worlds gifts and others all the challenges. I know my niece isn't perfect and has had her struggles (perfectionist, anorexia, anxiety), but comparatively DD seems to have nothing in her favour!!!!

AIBU to be frustrated and envious? to be upset that DD seems to find everything a struggle? What do I do to stop feeling like this??

Ahh the grass is greener on that side of the fence...it isn't, it just looks greener..

Check yourself OP. Sounds like you're struggling with parenting your child (which is valid, reasonable and expected), which in no way is going to help you support your child. Don't need to annihilate your nieces life to make you feel better about the whole situation. While she obviously has her own struggles, she does obviously have a comparatively more favourable life. Being pretty and intelligent with hobbies, and parents with money, certainly is a better way in life! Don't care what people say, but the world just functions that way!

So just focus on self regulating, and supporting your child. And please do not have her work in retail! It's the most abrasive abusive sould destroying industry to work in!

There definitely sounds as though there is a degree of neurodivergence with your DD; anxiety around change, emotional dysmaturity to mention a couple of points.

Whatever the law and society deems as adulthood, neuroscience has established that the adolescent brain does not complete the maturation process until the mid twenties, and maybe a little beyond.

Perhaps she's destined to be a home bird and not hugely ambitious. If that's her doing her, I'd go with it. 18 is very young to decide what to do with your life. If she has you to support her, she can try out different jobs until she finds something to feels right.

With everything she has faced your daughter has done amazingly well to get BCC at A level.

I got ACC at A level but do not have dyslexia, dyspraxia and did not go through a situation such as covid during my study. I was fortunate to go to uni when we didn't have to pay course fees. I planned to
go to uni, but didn't know what i wanted to do and didn't apply normally. A local uni had started up a course that I decided I wanted to do, so I stayed at home while studying.

Did I miss out on some of the social life - probably, but I only lived a 15 minute walk from the main uni halls, there was a student house not far away, and I was closer to the halls than some of the students staying in private student digs so I could have joined in with more social activities if i had wanted to.
Do i feel i lost out by what I did - no. Would i do the same again - possibly not, but knowing what i know now i may have chosen a different career route so may or may not have done a degree anyway. Am I happy with my current job etc - yes.

Based on what you have said your daughter may need support with independence and confidence. If you can find an instructor with an automatic then she may be able to learn to drive. In the future a lot more people will drive automatic cars anyway as a lot of hybrid are automatic. It needs to be the right instructor that will have time and patience as it may/may not take her a bit longer than others. I changed instructors and felt much happier with the second than the first. I know someone that changed to the one I left and got on great with them. They may have been a good instructor but were not right for me - you would just need to find the right one for your daughter.

Uni isn't the right option for everyone. If there is nothing she wants to do in the two universities she can go to whilst staying at home, then explore other options. As others have said could OU be suitable for her? Are there any opportunities for an apprenticeship of any kind?

Rather than look at a supermarket job that she may/may not want to do (nothing wrong in retail - I worked a Saturday job in retail through A levels and my degree), is there a job she can do that may give her some of the skills/confidence she needs that she is more interested in. It could be a voluntary post not just a paid one. You have said at one point she was interested in drama, is interested in film and she was looking to do media - are there any local theatre groups she could maybe take part in? My daughter really enjoyed the experience of being in the back stage crew of the end of year school musical. She has said she wants to do the same again and has shown interest in how things are done on stage, but doesn't have time to fit in another activity. How about something linked to cinema, local/community radio/hospital radio etc. It may just be a case of finding the activity that works for your daughter, that she enjoys/has interest in, and involves the right people that she can develop where she needs to.

Writing as a slightly older girl with adhd.

Gap year is a great idea. Get her into the outdoors. Maybe working for an outdoor centre. These exist abroad. Get her a bit confident in the uk, then have an adventure. Outdoor jobs tend to have poor pay but accommodation and food included. (really helpful for someone leaving home and wanting to make friends and needing a place to live).

I personally think that resilience and determination and 'things stacked against your favour', mean you figure stuff out sooner. Think things over. Build resilience. Find out about what makes you content, ect.

External validation be it through male attention, or grades of exams will not bring true peace and happiness.
That comes from finding what you value and going after that. What really lights you up. Especially with adhd, if you can find that thing, you have it stacked in your favour. It's just finding it and finding a way to build it whilst establishing yourself.

I think ultimately, a partner that is really going to be good for you, is not going to be there because you're the hottest person in the room. It's about a connection, choosing out a person because of who they are and how they conduct themselves and having a kind and determined and positive nature.

Also grades at gcse do not translate to sucess in life.. Neither does a uni degree.
My friends with adhd (i can tell now who has it!) have been sucessful when they have built businesses. Including those that didn't go to uni. If anything, not going to uni made them try harder and think more for themselves on creating something for themselves. Rather than expecting a system to help work things out for them.

I am coming from having done the uni avenue. It's hard with adhd. I think i am very smart in terms of being able to pick any topic up, but it just doesn't compensate at uni level for the self management needed for doing well.

My adhd friends work in in person jobs.
From firefighter, to clinician, to business owner, to outdoor sports person. A lot of comedians, arts, musicians have adhd. A lot of sports people too.

I think also tech and science.
Tech you dont need a degree to get into.

So yep. Don't panic. It's not about grades and how much boys attention that dictate sucess. If anything, not having those come so easy is going to make her think more for herself sooner and probably hopefully point her life in a direction she wants with more thought.

Your daughter just sounds like a normal person which must of us are! She'll find her way, she's still very young.

It sounds like she has plenty going for her. It also sounds like you are trying a lot harder than she is. Maybe back off a little and let her figure things out for herself? I agree a year in a supermarket is unlikely to inspire and uplift her. I agree with the Camp Beaumont idea or similar-it sounds like she needs a change of scenery and some inspiration.

Also, tell her to compare herself to herself. All that matters is whether she is progressing in her own life. Comparing to others is pointless.

I got BCC in my A-levels - I was actually pretty happy with that to be honest! I didn’t go straight to uni, I travelled/ worked for two years. Spent a year in America and then went to uni, doing something totally different to what I thought I wanted at 17/18. Speaking to a school friend the other day who I used to look at how you see your niece - she got A’s at a level, everything seemed to come naturally to her. Her biggest regret is going straight to uni and not giving herself some time to get to know herself and what she wanted in life.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Well said!

OP your daughter’s is an inspiring success story! She’s overcome some hefty difficulties to achieve very good exam results. It’s you I’m concerned about. From what great height of academic success do you get to judge her A’ Level results so negatively? Obviously,not high enough to know it’s not lower case a !
What exactly is it about having a potentially life-threatening eating disorder and living with demoralising Perfectionism + pressure always to look other people’s idea of gorgeous that you’d like for your daughter? Maybe an 18 year old boyfriend to lure her even further away from any ambition and self-confidence than even you seem determined to do?
I would be advising her to ignore your damning opinion and to search through clearing for a course she’d love to do. Lots of 18 year olds seem unready and half-hearted about uni , but go anyway. Most of the time they're glad they did. Sometimes they don’t enjoy it at first , but gradually they do. Even the ones who don’t usually learn from the experience.
Even if she drops out, she can defer to next year or return to Uni when she’s 40 if that’s what she chooses.
Please start to appreciate your DD and tell her how proud you are of her!

Seems to me that you are right - she needs to be living with you for a bit longer and taking steps out into the world a bit more slowly - and locally to start with. Earning some money will help. Maybe she needs to build confidence by working? And her first job is not a life-sentence but one step forward on her way: it doesn’t have to be perfect.
I think the whole expectation that Alevels are only of value if you go straight to university is very short sighted. She has completed 3 difficult courses of study, 2 without enjoying them and that’s admirable.
A year or two or three living at home with you clearly enjoying her company and her gaining confidence by working and finding some kind of spare time activity that increases the range of people she knows seems a good way forward. She is still very young and fearful- I don’t think forcing her out to university or away from home is what she currently needs. But she does need to get a job - anything would be better than feeling sad at home all day

You’re focusing on all of your daughters superficial attributes. Is she a kind person?

Likewise with your niece, you say she’s gorgeous and clever, but she has anxiety and anorexia which is a massive mental health issue and nothing to be envious of!
I think you’re looking at things from the wrong angle. Personally I’d much more worried about an anorexic, anxious child than yours who sounds like she might be emotionally balanced.
The biggest disadvantage that she has is that her mum isn’t proud of her, just for being her. That’s a huge handicap and can cause depression. Tell her you’re proud of her and actually believe it, she’s yours. No point comparing her.

Would she consider some volunteering? It’s a great way to build skills and meet new people but also give her routine which I think she may value. She could maybe do a couple of shifts a week in a charity shop, go litter “wombling” with a local group or what about getting involved in something like Girlguiding or Scouting? She could go along to help initially and might find a real place where she can be herself and “belong“(and the older children aren’t as annoying as the five-year-olds!) - she would also have the opportunity to do personal development things, anything from gaining a qualification to doing her gold DofE!

Not sure if this has been suggested but see if there is a Princes trust course she could go to. It would help with confidence etc. Do some research into them and chat to the leaders

OP have you considered something like civil service apprenticeships? I have a niece who did one for one of the departments. They seem to offer a huge breadth of subjects and professions at all levels of qualification, including under grad and post grad. I also know they tend to be very accomodating of neurodiversity and will offer all manner of reasonable adjustments to make sure she is comfortable bother physically and mentally.

What a lovely post. And so true. You are your children’s champion. 💛

The thing that is not often mentioned is that most women will want to be wives and mothers one day. I have a part time job but for me being a wife and mother is the best thing in the world and focusing on how to be a good one can be really grounding and calming.

So life skills and making the best of her appearance and getting a job would be far more helpful to her than chasing academic success which may not be for her

@AllTheOdds the more you comment the more I think that this is FAR more than a someone reluctant to leave home.

So many teenagers are afraid to go away from home, ESPECIALLY now, after spending two years forcibly locked indoors becoming borderline agoraphobic isolated from peers in front of screens. How about instead of comparing her to the child you wish you had, and listing to strangers how average she is and fearful and un-special and sad and depressed, you actually start to look at ways you can help her with her confidence. People learn from what they see. Girls model on their mothers, and have to unpick it later. Imagine if you’d come on here asking for advice on how you could help your daughter see her strengths, grow her confidence, learn who she is and what she wants, or help her find something she loves? Imagine if you’d come on here saying “she’s afraid to go away from home and I’m worry this is really limiting her -any ideas how I can help her expand into the world?” Whether you are willing to accept it or not (from your posts on here it seems very much not) this attitude YOU have, this victim mentality of her perceived handicaps and how she’s got it worse than everyone else and I just want to whine about it laziness IS reaching her and shrinking her. She doesn’t need to know what she wants to do yet. I left school at 15 with no clue, figured it out when I was 22 and now at 45 have an incredible career. Get off your arse and parent your daughter with the kind of love that makes her braver.

Absolutely agree with this. When I was 9 years old my class teacher told my parents not to expect me to get any standard grades (GCSES). My parents moved me to a different school that didn’t write me off at 9 years old. I passed all my standard grades well.

Yes. If we had more people with a good understanding of media studies (and politics) we might not have had the debacle which is Brexit.

Not sure what the situation is if you're in England, but in Scotland, some kids do a year at an FE college before university. Fair enough, our exam structure is different as well. But I know many young people for whom this extra year - while still at home - was the making of them and their confidence. If you pick the right course, it doesn't need to eat into potential uni funding. If you have a local college, it might be worth making enquiries with her. It's not as drastic as moving home, but it's an opportunity for some independence, organising her own timetable etc. It can also give people a taster of various options that probably weren't offered at school. Maths and Computer Science are not the easiest subjects and it says a lot for her that she's managed to get decent solid grades while disliking them! But between Computer Science involving coding and Media Studies per se there's a whole spectrum of options that somebody who likes video games might find interesting - digital design, game development (which isn't quite the same as game design) even 'quality assurance' - too many to go into here, but Further Education Colleges often offer taster courses. It sounds very much as though she's still not aware of her options.

You literally could have described me. I ended up a teacher. Things will happen for your daughter and she will make someone a super amazing girlfriend. She will also be empathetic and a talented mum, nurse, teacher or whatever career she ends up having. Also, BCC might not be her chosen course but are good results and there are many courses she can do with those you as points. She sounds amazing. Life is a journey, not a race!

She will find her tribe !
No two people are the same, thank god…and she will change her life options many times over her life.
Keep being her biggest supporter.

It's more the overall picture that makes me feel like DD has it worse, she just feels like there is nothing she can do. Which is so upsetting, as I do believe she could do anything she put her mind to

I'm recovering from anorexia. Being a perfectionist is part of anorexia. If your niece has a mental health issue such as anorexia, she has not had it easy nor have things come to her easily. She will of worked extremely hard to get the grades she got whilst having an internal voice screaming at her every single day, telling her what a failure she is, how fat she is ect ect.

And she will probably never truly recover from anorexia, somthing stressful may well come along and she could easily slip back into her old ways where she felt most in control

You need to stop comparing them because their is no comparison aside from their age.

It might seem to you like your niece has had an easy time of it compared to your DD but I'm telling you now, that poor girl will of had demons screaming at her for years. It's not a nice place to be