Why is it so unfair - everything stacked against her?

[AllTheOdds]

My DD is 18, almost 19, she is smart and funny, but sometimes I feel like she is fighting a losing battle, she had ADHD, has dyspraxia and is dyslexic. I love her to pieces but really she has no 'natural' talents, she isn't creative, not particularly academic, definitely not sporty. She did her a-Levels after getting pretty average GCSEs and got BCC, not enough to do the course she wanted at uni. She has no idea what she wants to do. To top it off, she is incredibly insecure, not massively overweight but not slim, and she would say she isn't pretty (I disagree of course). She's never really had any attention from boys and this upsets her, has one friend but she is going away for uni. We have decided DD will take a gap year, get a job in supermarket or similar and take time to figure out what is next. I should also say, I'm not a high earner nor is my DH, we live in a council house etc.
In contrast, I have one niece who is the same age as DD and sometimes I catch myself being envious of her and I know my DD is too, she is smart, got A/A* at A-level, going to her first choice uni. But on top of that she plays piano, is a pretty good singer, plays tennis well. Has won awards for all sorts, debating, maths, music, writing even art. She has always been the type of person who had everything come to her naturally. She is absolutely gorgeous (like even as her auntie I can appreciate is she above average on looks), had friends etc. she basically has been able to do whatever she wants. My sister and her husband divorced, but are both decent earners. own their homes, no mortgage (small northern town so not an expensive place to buy).
I find myself crying and frustrated, I feel like DD has everything stacked against while my niece has it comparatively easy. Like why is it so unfair? Why do some people seem to be given all the worlds gifts and others all the challenges. I know my niece isn't perfect and has had her struggles (perfectionist, anorexia, anxiety), but comparatively DD seems to have nothing in her favour!!!!

AIBU to be frustrated and envious? to be upset that DD seems to find everything a struggle? What do I do to stop feeling like this??

Your niece has divorced parent, anorexia and a slew of awards that, while she may not have faced some of the challenges your daughter has, she must have worked bloody hard for and you’re jealous of her?!?!

YABU, it might not be the case but you’re implying that she didn’t have to work for amazing grades and extra curricular a while facing problems at home. That’s horrible.

comparing your daughters weight to someone with anorexia is awful too, sorry OP this a perspective issue

I had a far far worse set of circumstances than that at 18. Truly dire. I get told I’m so lucky now, like I didn’t fight tooth and nail for the life I have. People only see the end result and the life I have now and assume it’s always been like that for me ie with your niece you won’t have seen the piano practice, study, friendship struggles she may have had.

it’s not about the circumstances you start with. It’s what you do with it.

Speaking as a previously shy teen with suspected autism, I got a job in retail (Debenhams) when I was 17 and what a difference it made to my confidence - even now i think how many skills I learned.

I had a pushy mum and went to uni after school in 2007 and hated every minute. I now earn a really good livinf in something totally not related to my degree, but using the skills I learned during my time in retail (recruitment). I never would have had the confidence to do recruitment prior to my retail job. I also worked in a supermarket with a lot of people my age at around age 20 while at uni.

I wish I had had the chance at a year out but my mum would never have let me do that so I think giving her the space and getting her to get a retail job, you will see a huge change in her confidence & she may eventually feel confident enough to spread her wings!

I would also look at any colleges near you if t there are any, IF she ends up showing an interest however most of the people I work with never went to uni and it hasn’t held them back at all!

youre doing a great job. Just give her that space to build some confidence.

Anything that involves leaving home just isn't an option. I know lots of 18 year olds don't want to leave home but im sure most of them aren't screaming the house down when it is mentioned, or saying they'd rather hurt themselves. It is not an option. I know my DD she isn't ready to leave home.

My DD is only 10 but she also has Dyslexia, ADHD and Dyspraxia. She struggles academically but she has found a love for horse riding and she is a different child - it has given her focus and goals. Could your DD find a passion that she could try - anything she finds interesting that she could look into to give her that focus. Comparison is the thief of joy - you have a wonderful daughter who will find her own path, don't worry x

Sorry OP but life is unfair . One if the hardest most painful lessons to learn .

"She applied to study media, film and culture at uni but not sure it was the right choice and didn't get the grades anyway."

Yet she turned down the work experience within an actual TV company via your family friend, because it meant staying away from home?

I think it's time she's pushed out of her comfort zone, because it sounds like you're enabling her to just float around at home aimlessly. She's an adult now.

We have really tried with hobbies, sports were always a fail she just didn't have to coordination; she hates animals, not very artistic, quit every instrument; did drama for a little and enjoyed it but lost interest. Doesn't like to cook etc. It's so difficult!!

From your post I can’t see you finding anything positive to say about your DD. What are her strengths?

Everyone has talents OP, your daughter just hasn't had the time and the opportunity to discover what hers are yet. I don't imagine most people really know and understand their strengths and weaknesses at that tender age, life is about much more than exam results and skills like piano playing. She sounds low in confidence and I think the main thing is just encouraging as many varied experiences as possible so that she can start to identify what she enjoys, what she values etc.

People who are happy in their own path are less inclined to fall into the comparison trap.

This does sound a lot like something other than ADHD going on. I'd second looking into ASD to see if it fits.

I don't think people are understanding. This isn't a ugh I don't want to be away from home. It's literal screaming, threatening to hurt herself; sobbing for days. I love my DD way way to much to force that.

She sounds just fine to me. If this is your idea of having everything stacked against her you must have had a sheltered life.

Encourage her to do more than retail for the next year, it seems to me like your aspirations are too limited. Who made the decision she would do a gap year? BCC would have got her onto loads of courses and if she managed that with dyslexia she is amazing.

Christ, entirely besides the point of the original op, I know... but why is everyone being so pessimistic about retail/supermarket work?! Someone has to do it, and have we all so quickly forgotten the "praise the keyworkers" situation during covid? Without the "unambitious" supermarket staff, the world would have been utterly screwed. And there can be plenty more to working in a supermarket than sitting at a checkout, or stacking shelves. It can be a great place to build a career, or work around other studies/interests outside of work. I was at a bit of a crossroads in my youth, not knowing what I wanted to do, both my siblings were much more intelligent and went off to uni, and I didn't know what I wanted to do, not particularly great at anything, and painfully shy in social situations. I got a job in my local supermarket, and have thrived and grown in confidence immeasurably. I've worked in all aspects of the store, made my way up to chief cashier/cash management, and help process audits for other stores. I run our union, do lots of admin, investigate cashier discrepancies, and handle thousands of pounds of cash daily, which is a big responsibility. Last year I created a brand new cash banking system, which lots of other stores are now using, and coming to me to train for. I run inductions for new staff members, have done many first aid courses, retail apprenticeships, and other behind the scenes stuff, that people don't think about when they envisage your average supermarket job. I know it's not for everyone, but for someone who isn't career driven, I absolutely love my job, the flexibility, the confidence it's given me, the friends I've made at work and in the community, and the lifestyle it's provided, being able to work around my family life, is a huge bonus. Please don't put down supermarket jobs. Like I said, "someone" has to do it, and for some, it can be a great path to go down, and open up many doors. Don't want to derail the thread, but it's actually pretty depressing to see what people think of you when you're wearing a supermarket uniform, not having any idea how important your job can actually be.

I used to deal with a lot of students wanting to take time out from degrees, and I generally recommended a year in a supermarket! Get some life skills, something useful to put on the cv, learn to interact in an adult environment, and if it was boring and mind-numbing, then get a grip and return to your studies or work out what you want to do instead. Not saying that that is the case for your daughter but there are such things as careers and promotions in supermarkets as well as any other role, it’s not all shelf stacking or tills by any means. Supply chain logistics, health and safety, back office work, HR, management training programmes etc. She has decent a-level grades and if she gets her head down at it she could do really well. All the best to her.

Also, talents are not always skills like we traditionally think of them. Some people have the talent of compassion and empathy. Some have the talent to be nurturing. Some people are great listeners. Some people are doing the same thing repeatedly where others would lose interest.

As I've said she is funny, no one makes me laugh like she can. She is kind and helpful, her memory is great, she could tell you what happened in most episodes of her favourite shows off the top of her head. She is very very loving, truly sees the best in everyone she meets. I do love and adore my DD I think she is incredible.

My dd is similar, never really had any interests or hobbies (diagnosed with autism, possible ADHD and some mobility issues), she did well in her A levels but chose a uni that only asked for low grades, she is about to go into her 2nd year at uni, chose the subject she was best at through school but has no idea what she will do with it after uni. A lot of jobs she can’t do because of her mobility issues and she will find the interview process hard due to her autism (socially awkward). Uni was really the only option for her because she would have just stayed in her room all day if she didn’t go. She surprising loves uni and uni life, has made lots of friends, most of which are Neurodiverse, her life skills are pretty awful but she’s surviving living away from home. I have no idea what she will do when she leaves or how she will find work.

Have hope OP!

She needs a nudge out of her comfort zone. That’s how she‘ll grow and find her passions.

It can be very surprising what can happen when you change the script and get people in new situations. You should be excited about what could be around the corner for her. Have some faith in her, in yourself, and in the universe!

She needs you to help her be brave. Maybe you need some help with that too!

Forget comparing her with the cousin. Jealousy is an energy sucker. Also pay no mind to any posts in this thread that feel like they are attacking you.

Not everybody needs talents, grades, looks etc. Maybe you feel you lack them yourself and are projecting that onto your daughter? No offence, just a thought.

Don’t pander to the anxiety, challenge it. Definitely get her out of the house with other young people, out of her hometown. Retail will kill her soul. Find a gap year scheme, she can work to save up for that. Think big, don’t make plans on the basis of fear.

Big hugs to her, you, and your niece xxx

She will come into her own, she just hasn't discovered her gifts yet. There is plenty of time. I did well enough in my gcses but had to take an induction year to get into uni as my a-levels were pretty crap, and I ended up dropping out anyway because the truth is I didn't know if I wanted to go to uni, I didn't know what I wanted to study, I just went because I didn't know what else to do. I got a few crappy jobs after that until I found something I wanted to do, then I worked hard and worked my way up. I am by no means a top earner, but I love my work and it does pay well. She may go to uni after her gap year and it may be the making of her, or she may decide its not for her. At then end of the day she's healthy and loved and those are the most important things. We all have gifts

I have a learning disabled child and honestly one of the best things they have given me is the ability to see beyond this type of bullshit. I’m not playing the misery Olympics or trying to be too harsh to you, but the wonder of life is that everyone is different, everyone has the potential to find their place in the world. I went to Oxford and if I hadn’t had my child I would feel the same as you I think - comparing this kind of nonsense with other children. But it DOESNT MATTER. If she wants to find a partner she will do. If she wants some sort of job she will get one. Just concentrate on supporting her to be happy in whatever path fits her and don’t compare her - im sure she is picking up on your anxiety. And misery Olympics or not as the mother of a disabled child who may never live independently count your fucking lucky stars.

I say this as a teenager who was slightly overweight, boys had no interest in me, not good at anything, average grades and shy. Your daughter really needs someone to big her up! She needs telling it’s ok that she’s not amazing at anything, I’m sure she has other qualities that are great. Does she have to go to uni? I found a job without going to uni, still do said job years later, the money isn’t amazing but there are options for it to be amazing with growth. Even if you don’t believe it you need to tell her she can do anything that she wants and be her biggest cheerleader because honestly there’s nothing worse than having a parent that doesn’t believe you can make anything of your self because your not ‘extraordinary’

BCC are decent results. My sister got EEU and has 3 degrees now including her masters. When I was at school my best friend got the highest A levels results in our year and it was BCC.

Honestly this doesn’t sound right. I was reading your responses and feeling this is very much a failure to launch situation and you should have pushed her harder, but if she is literally screaming at a conversation about options there is either something seriously wrong or she is the worlds worst brat.

Maybe the GP as a start, but honestly as person who was shy and could have stayed at home drifting forever and now earns mid 6 figures you’re not going to help by coddling her and letting this carry on as it will only get harder, she won’t be magically ready in a year so you/ she need a plan or her life will quickly end up “wasted”. There is nothing wrong with not being a high flyer, but is she’s unhappy then clearly this isn’t what she really wants.

good luck

I understand your concern. It’s so difficult to feel that your dc are unhappy. I think your dd is at a difficult stage and her ADHD will make things more difficult. I have personal experience with my own dc. It too much longer for them to figure out their path in life. But eventually they did . Now they have a great job and a partner they love . But that didn’t happen until late twenties. We didn’t push- just waited. But we had to wait several years- that maturity does make a difference. Lots of folk on this forum would go against this advice but it worked for us ( and them)
Comparison doesn’t help ( I have done that too ) Again I get why you think about it but it really doesn’t help you or dd.
Lots of people are “ ordinary “ - both in terms of looks and intellectual abilities. But they still manage to have decent jobs and partners who love them.
Encourage her just to get some kind of job - probably part time. It gets her out there . If she hates it will maybe focus her on trying to find something better. What about jobs in the care sector. Would looking after others give her a sense of satisfaction. You can move from basic jobs to qualifications.
She is young . She doesn’t have to make all the decisions now. There is lots of time for her to find her path. There are things against her so it’s not easy and might not be the straightforward route that others follow. But sometimes when things have been more tricky the end result is more treasured