Why is it so unfair - everything stacked against her?

[AllTheOdds]

My DD is 18, almost 19, she is smart and funny, but sometimes I feel like she is fighting a losing battle, she had ADHD, has dyspraxia and is dyslexic. I love her to pieces but really she has no 'natural' talents, she isn't creative, not particularly academic, definitely not sporty. She did her a-Levels after getting pretty average GCSEs and got BCC, not enough to do the course she wanted at uni. She has no idea what she wants to do. To top it off, she is incredibly insecure, not massively overweight but not slim, and she would say she isn't pretty (I disagree of course). She's never really had any attention from boys and this upsets her, has one friend but she is going away for uni. We have decided DD will take a gap year, get a job in supermarket or similar and take time to figure out what is next. I should also say, I'm not a high earner nor is my DH, we live in a council house etc.
In contrast, I have one niece who is the same age as DD and sometimes I catch myself being envious of her and I know my DD is too, she is smart, got A/A* at A-level, going to her first choice uni. But on top of that she plays piano, is a pretty good singer, plays tennis well. Has won awards for all sorts, debating, maths, music, writing even art. She has always been the type of person who had everything come to her naturally. She is absolutely gorgeous (like even as her auntie I can appreciate is she above average on looks), had friends etc. she basically has been able to do whatever she wants. My sister and her husband divorced, but are both decent earners. own their homes, no mortgage (small northern town so not an expensive place to buy).
I find myself crying and frustrated, I feel like DD has everything stacked against while my niece has it comparatively easy. Like why is it so unfair? Why do some people seem to be given all the worlds gifts and others all the challenges. I know my niece isn't perfect and has had her struggles (perfectionist, anorexia, anxiety), but comparatively DD seems to have nothing in her favour!!!!

AIBU to be frustrated and envious? to be upset that DD seems to find everything a struggle? What do I do to stop feeling like this??

Have you seen the viral image of the kardashians pre-surgery, stylists and make up artists? The gist is that you're not ugly, just poor'.
Can you help your daughter feel more confident about herself? Haircut? Highlights? Some basic make up? Teeth straightened?
I know this sounds shallow but when you think you look good, you feel more confident.

She absolutely can get on to a decent course with those grades. Get her to apply, get a student loan. Please don't get her a job in a supermarket for a year. Help raise her aspirations!

Confidence comes from our environment. How often do you tell her she's amazing, brave, smart ect?

But you are being blase about it. I don't think anyone is ever 'previously anorexic'. It's a lifelong condition that can flare up further down the line.

Working in a supermarket is not the answer. I say this as someone who worked in a supermarket for years. It’s hard work, it’s depressing and you don’t build many life skills.

you need to get creative and ambitious!!

what about a session with a careers coach? Or dare I say it a really good life coach. You both need to inject some energy and ambition into this girls life plans:

Honestly nothing, DD doesn't do much at all really. She watches films/tv, potters about but doesn't have any hobbies at all. We have tried time and time again to find one for her but something always gets in the way.

I am so proud of DD for everything she has achieved but it does make me sad that she seems so lost.

I understand your feelings OP. I could play 'top trumps' with you on this, but won't. However I agree it is heartbreaking to see your DC struggling when others seemingly have it so much easier. There will be a way through, a less obvious route.

OP, I don’t think your post comes across as saying you are disappointed in your daughter. You really sound worried she is not happy rather than judgemental.

@AllTheOdds you do know though, surely, that although your DD has challenges, she is a lot better off than many many teenagers her age. Unless your DD is at the absolute top of the privilege pile there will always be someone who has had less challenges and more advantages than her.

Don't compare her to others, try to look at her as an individual who is unique and has a lot to offer the world.

I'd look at why she's reluctant to leave home to go to Uni. A year working could help with that if she gains some confidence around other people.

I'd ask her what she'd like to study or work as if she had a totally free choice, and see if you can work on finding a route towards that goal or something similar.

Would she consider applying to Camp America? It is confidence building but very much policed so your DD would not be left to struggle if she were homesick or to make friends.
Sometimes you have to give a bit of tough love. Your 'poor, shy DD' narrative is not helping her.

A lot of teens who are children of my friends who’ve perhaps been a touch sensitive about their body or weight have really benefited from finding a sport that works for them and focus on strength and health. It’s rubbed off on me - I do parkrun and CrossFit now and feel stronger and more flexible than I ever have before.

Does she enjoy caring for others? Even some sessions volunteering in an animal shelter or actual work in a care home or volunteer in a school. She needs something in addition to shop work.

Sometimes I look a my cousin who is 20 years younger, and think she’s the girl I could have been. We’re very similar, but she has the brains & drive & confidence to do what I didn’t…

What does you DD love to do? Is there an apprenticeship course that will tie in with her likes - there will be something out there that will float her boat, rather than go with the bulk standard drudgery of retail / hospitality. A quick search on line and the following courses come up

Arts therapist
Aviation ground specialist
Curator
Event assistant

University and academic qualifications are not everything.

My DS who finds it really difficult to talk to people spent some time working in a fast food place, he found it really helped with his confidence and was a nice friendly place with lots of young people.
May be better than a super market.
Or try lots of different things during her year out, there could be some temping through an agency.
Your DD needs to build her confidence during this next year as she is restricting her opportunities by not leaving home for uni. There must be places a little further away where she could come home some weekends.

The the issue, she doesn't love to do anything. She hated all her a-level subjects, doesn't like animals, hates art, couldn't care less about current affairs, no interest is music/history etc etc etc. She likes films and tv, but doesn't want to work on either (family friend is a tv producer who offered her work experience but it would have meant being away from home so she didn't want to do it.

You are comparing her to her cousin.

Her cousin is probably under so much personal pressure she is miserable and ridden with anxiety. She is better being in the middle of the pack and happy than anxious with an eating disorder

Not everyone can be queen bee and maybe she is happier than her cousin.

What did your dd want to do at university? I'd be looking to see if there are any unis in clearing that aren't too far away that do her subject and talking her into that - rather than a pretty pointless year in a supermarket. If she's already insecure then after a year in a supermarket she may not have the confidence to go off to uni. Big her up, and help her find a course if at all possible.

Could she do a foundation year at the uni she wanted to go to?

If she doesn’t know what she wants to do then why doesn’t she try temp work for a while to see if anything takes her fancy?

Her A level grades sound fine to me, I honestly think people don’t realise that most of the world don’t achieve A* / As and being average is what the vast majority of the population are in life - and there’s nothing wrong with that!

Look, I'm going to be blunt. Your girl doesn't have all the advantages, but she's got plenty more than many kids. She's healthy, intelligent, got three a levels and two loving parents. I say to my own daughters (who also have less than some of their peers and more than others): don't just look up the pyramid, look down and appreciate how very much you have.

And as an ex anorexic, I can assure you that it's sheer torture and most sufferers are never completely cured. Being a golden girl on the outside is not compensation for what she has been enduring.

could she do a degree with a foundation year? but if she is going to do retail for a year, try and get her working somewhere were there are other young people. like clothes shops rather than supermarkets so she makes friends and can have a laugh

If she’s not academically gifted don’t push her to Uni or you could end up with the bill when she drops out. It’s not the be all and end all that Blair wanted it to be.

Help her look for meaningful jobs, lots of places hire school leavers as marketing/accounting/anything assistants. Don’t make her work in a supermarket if you have greater ambitions for her.

Don’t be disappointed encourage her to be happy with what she has. She will pick up your vibes of pity.

Also civil service, they won’t want any further qualifications for 99% of the jobs. Park the supermarket idea, there is more out there.

1. A level grades, the sad reality is NOW these grades are no longer good enough to get you to a good/competitive course at an RG Uni.
2. Everyone has their time in the sun & life is long
3. As others have said, she’s already won the lotto of life in terms of advantages. Be grateful.
4. I get it. Be careful on language around food & ‘perfection’. She may be internalising you don’t think she’s good enough.
5. Encourage her to find her passion & keep a sense of fun/humour with her

Your DD has the one thing that is more important than you realise.
She has you, her wonderful mum to advocate for her, throughout your life.
She will always know that.
Love to you both. ❤️❤️❤️

The long term outcome for your niece in terms of personal happiness is probably worse than for your daughter if she is a perfectionist who has had a struggle with anorexia and anxiety.
If your daughter picks up on your glass half empty attitude it will further affect her self confidence. Your daughter just needs to find something that catches her interest and also build her confidence. Her A level results are perfectly adequate for many careers.
Working in a supermarket doesn't sound ideal unless she perhaps does part time and explores other interests.

Crikey OP you could be a heck of a lot more supportive of your DD - what a way for a parent to talk about their own child. You've basically said she's fat, not very bright and no good at anything. I'd be wondering if your lack of ambition on her behalf is why she's not keen to leave home and try anything slightly adventurous. As parents we have to help our children see their potential and really push them sometimes. If they fail you pick them up and set them off again.