Why is it so unfair - everything stacked against her?

[AllTheOdds]

My DD is 18, almost 19, she is smart and funny, but sometimes I feel like she is fighting a losing battle, she had ADHD, has dyspraxia and is dyslexic. I love her to pieces but really she has no 'natural' talents, she isn't creative, not particularly academic, definitely not sporty. She did her a-Levels after getting pretty average GCSEs and got BCC, not enough to do the course she wanted at uni. She has no idea what she wants to do. To top it off, she is incredibly insecure, not massively overweight but not slim, and she would say she isn't pretty (I disagree of course). She's never really had any attention from boys and this upsets her, has one friend but she is going away for uni. We have decided DD will take a gap year, get a job in supermarket or similar and take time to figure out what is next. I should also say, I'm not a high earner nor is my DH, we live in a council house etc.
In contrast, I have one niece who is the same age as DD and sometimes I catch myself being envious of her and I know my DD is too, she is smart, got A/A* at A-level, going to her first choice uni. But on top of that she plays piano, is a pretty good singer, plays tennis well. Has won awards for all sorts, debating, maths, music, writing even art. She has always been the type of person who had everything come to her naturally. She is absolutely gorgeous (like even as her auntie I can appreciate is she above average on looks), had friends etc. she basically has been able to do whatever she wants. My sister and her husband divorced, but are both decent earners. own their homes, no mortgage (small northern town so not an expensive place to buy).
I find myself crying and frustrated, I feel like DD has everything stacked against while my niece has it comparatively easy. Like why is it so unfair? Why do some people seem to be given all the worlds gifts and others all the challenges. I know my niece isn't perfect and has had her struggles (perfectionist, anorexia, anxiety), but comparatively DD seems to have nothing in her favour!!!!

AIBU to be frustrated and envious? to be upset that DD seems to find everything a struggle? What do I do to stop feeling like this??

Whether you realise it or not, your DD does have unique talents to share with the world. School isn’t always a friend to kids with ADHD. It’s entirely possible she might do well in a distance learning setting in which she can study and complete assignments in her own time away from a classroom-type setting.

If she’s shy, working for a while is likely to build her confidence. (I specifically avoid saying ‘likely to bring her out of her shell’ because we under-value introversion).

I hope you can avoid projecting disappointment and worry and ‘you’re not good at anything’ onto her. If she’s being directed towards supermarket work, is there something else she could maybe volunteer at for enjoyment and confidence building? For example might she like volunteering at an animal shelter? Has she done a careers quiz to get some ideas of what kind of work might suit her personality? That might be worth a go.

Maybe working in supermarket will help her people skills and she'll be more keen to go to uni. She needs to have a community of friends I wonder what she could do locally would she join a gym and do classes there? Does her school have a careers coach she could talk to? Maybe an apprenticeship at a local council would be a good route for her? Not high pressure, doenst need the physical skills, IT should assist with dyslexia etc?

Lovely ideas

My daughter is dyslexic too, didn’t want to do ALevels, started as a cleaner, works tills at a supermarket. Bought her first house at 20 with her boyfriend who can’t read and write at all. He’s a shift manager. They now have a gorgeous son, both work hard. They have hobbies, they enjoy. Not everything is about getting the best job, climbing the ladder, as long as she’s happy, that all that matters!!

Sounds like you really care about your daughter and want the best for her.

So for her sake, please listen to this - I say this as someone who have myself struggled whit anorexia, am naturally slim and with many so-called 'talents' and have been successful in my career but is a massive perfectionist and people pleaser and struggle with anxiety and depression...have a daughter who's naturally on the heavier side, introvert and not many friends, no special talents showing yet, and have felt a lot of the same yucky feeling that she isn't 'performer well' as you have. I tried to pressure her to join this and that activity all to no avail and her just feeling worse about herself. Finally, I've gone into therapy and realised that this is all about me projecting my own insecurities on to her, wanting her to be successful more for my sake than for her own, and that perhaps, even part of her struggles is due to her sensing my former dissatisfaction with her. It's heartbreaking and very shameful for me to write and realise, but the best thing I ever did for her and our relationship is doing my own inner work and realising that. I now try focus on her strengths, trust me, every single person has strengths, and as the poet Arne Garborg says then To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart and to sing it to them when they have forgotten.
Tara Brach has this wonderful meditation on shining a light on people, how when you focus on all the things you love about you child, they will sense that and grown in the light of your love. Perhaps make a list of all the things you love about her, and add to it every day. Tell her at every given opportunity how proud you are of her and notice out loud whenever she makes your heart glow and whenever she has a small success. Build her up with love and she will have real self worth, which is worth much more than all the outward achievements that can be achieved by making your child feel that they need outside validation to exist, as it sounds like your niece does.
Working with your own projections and feelings is lifelong work and I can still slip back into tiger mummode, but it happens less and less frequent, and I can see my DD really growing and becoming more confident and happy when I`m just leaving her to be herself and making sure she knows I love her exactly as she is and she does not have to do anything to earn my attentions and love.

Could she ask her local newspapers whether she could do a film/TV show review?

Oh my goodness - your comment about anorexia and anxiety - do you even know the first thing about these horrific conditions? Ah that lucky girl has a couple of minor issues - WTAF?!?

Your daughter's 'A' level results are ok and she would have had no problem finding somewhere decent with those.

This reads as a "poor me" rather than a "poor her" - as though she is not living up to your standards.

Maybe encourage your daughter to get a part time job maybe as a home help , shop worker anything which will develope her social skills and confidence, she doesn’t seem ready for uni but needs to take small steps herself to become a little more confident. Would she do some volunteering, shop for the elderly, dog walking etc , good luck .