Why is it so unfair - everything stacked against her?

[AllTheOdds]

My DD is 18, almost 19, she is smart and funny, but sometimes I feel like she is fighting a losing battle, she had ADHD, has dyspraxia and is dyslexic. I love her to pieces but really she has no 'natural' talents, she isn't creative, not particularly academic, definitely not sporty. She did her a-Levels after getting pretty average GCSEs and got BCC, not enough to do the course she wanted at uni. She has no idea what she wants to do. To top it off, she is incredibly insecure, not massively overweight but not slim, and she would say she isn't pretty (I disagree of course). She's never really had any attention from boys and this upsets her, has one friend but she is going away for uni. We have decided DD will take a gap year, get a job in supermarket or similar and take time to figure out what is next. I should also say, I'm not a high earner nor is my DH, we live in a council house etc.
In contrast, I have one niece who is the same age as DD and sometimes I catch myself being envious of her and I know my DD is too, she is smart, got A/A* at A-level, going to her first choice uni. But on top of that she plays piano, is a pretty good singer, plays tennis well. Has won awards for all sorts, debating, maths, music, writing even art. She has always been the type of person who had everything come to her naturally. She is absolutely gorgeous (like even as her auntie I can appreciate is she above average on looks), had friends etc. she basically has been able to do whatever she wants. My sister and her husband divorced, but are both decent earners. own their homes, no mortgage (small northern town so not an expensive place to buy).
I find myself crying and frustrated, I feel like DD has everything stacked against while my niece has it comparatively easy. Like why is it so unfair? Why do some people seem to be given all the worlds gifts and others all the challenges. I know my niece isn't perfect and has had her struggles (perfectionist, anorexia, anxiety), but comparatively DD seems to have nothing in her favour!!!!

AIBU to be frustrated and envious? to be upset that DD seems to find everything a struggle? What do I do to stop feeling like this??

I agree with @Bruisername . Odds aren't stacked against her, it's her that's putting all these restrictions upon herself. How much does she really want to study film, Media and Cultural studies? because it sounds like she is not really committed to this subject. It's always good to have a couple of options rather than hyper focussing on just one course of study.
I'm not sure why your DD is envious of her cousin, when presumably the cousin has gone to study a subject that was within her grasp. Your DD only missed her predicteds by about 2 grades. Did she not want her insurance either?'

Obviously this is all in the past now and she can't go back to change the outcome, but going forward she needs to really think of what she wants to do and realise that university is a means to an end not an end in itself, so flexibility is the key.

i Was sorry to hear about your son and that will be really tough on you. Im not saying you are consciously holding onto her but no one would blame you for being super protective of her.

you have both been through so much

She’s sounds quite immature (not meant as a dig, just acts younger than her age, eg the screaming and crying). She’s clearly not ready for moving out. But she’s 18, and if she’s not going to Uni then she needs to get a job. She can go to Uni later on if she wants, I was 21 when I went and lots of people much older on my course. There’s little point comparing her to her cousin, everyone is different.

What about a Modern Apprenticeship? Local authorities will offer these in office roles and she could gain a qualification while earning and maybe gaining confidence. She would be supported by the college and employer with her dyslexia.

"My DD is doing OK and nothing is really wrong, but I wish she had got into uni even if it came with a very life threatening illness and severe mental health disabilities, and she felt crap all the time"

Jfc some mums really do have odd lenses when it comes to their kids

Comparison is the thief of joy. Has she considered an apprenticeship or health care type course?

Plenty of people have much worse grades than your DD and do well anyway. How wonderful that she did so well in spite of her challenges! Many congratulations to her 💪👍

Forget finding a passion if she doesn’t have something obvious - action breeds motivation and she needs to do something which will generate a need to do something else. I’m not sure what opportunities retail will bring but if she’s up for it, let her go and find out. She’s not a victim, she’s got a lot going for her. Let her figure it out for herself. The more scenic route through life often brings a more diverse and interesting experience. A rewarding and fulfilling life doesn’t have to begin at 18 or 19. As the inimitable Baz Luhrman said;

”Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year
olds I know still don't.”

Set her free - and when she needs it, give her a cuddle, dust her down and send her back into the ring for the next round. She’ll thank you for it. 🌻

Wow that's a massive reach,
The whole point of this is my DD isn't happy. And frankly my niece is happy, and to suggest that once you've had anorexia you can never be happy is so defeatist!!
Shocking as it may be my niece herself would say she is happy and I believe her, I can see it. Recovery is possible!! I am not saying her life is easy or perfect but maybe people here could realise that I don't care what DD has achieved (which for what it is worth I know is a hell of a lot) I care she isn't happy!! I know my DD and I know my niece and I know which one is happy and which one isn't!!

I am dyslexic and dyspraxic too. I floated about in various minimum wage jobs in my early 20s…. After being told all my teenage life I would probably not amount to anything.

I am mid 30s now. I have a good job with a good wage. Married to a lovely man. We have a lovely house (mortgaged, but still) I have a good group of friends and I am so incredibly happy. My point is, she will find her way. Life is what you make it and I made mine by sheer bloody mindedness. Happiness is always the end goal.

Your niece isn’t happy. She is suffering from a very serious mental health condition. I would take my dyslexia and dyspraxia over that anyday! There will be something your DD will thrive at. She just needs to find it!

Also, I'd say ADHD, Dyslexia; Dyspraxia, having no social life, no plans, crying and screaming anytime the conversation about being away from home for so much as one night, history of self-harm/depression, low self-esteem and a lack of independence at 18 is something "wrong".

Im not sure why everyone is insisting my niece isn't happy, when I'm the one who actually knows her. She wasn't happy, she is in recovery which is possible, she is happy now!

I think the point is that your niece is irrelevant. You need to stop looking at what you think she could be and focus on what she can be.

you need to focus on her positives and build her up from there. Focus on building independence and social skills. Preparing her to fly the nest.

I know a 17 who was refusing to leave home and wanted to go to the local uni but is now going off halfway across the country. She matured but she also cut the apron strings and built independence. I’m not saying it’s easy but you have to do it

Could she consider open university? Maybe do some of the free online courses and see if she fancies any of them.

Don’t write her off!

As a person whose sister was exceptionally intelligent, perfect figure, married the childhood sweetheart….

I took a different path, but ultimately achieved a lot. While she might earn more money than my husband and I do combined, I am so happy with my life.

As long as she is happy and finds something she likes to do, she will be fine. Just think outside the box and try new things.

You say your daughter is kind and helpful. Has she considered occupational therapy? They offer it at both UCLAN and Cumbria. I work with OTs in the north west and have seen some quite shy girls thrive at it. It's not a massively academic course, not especially medical, and if she gets a job in the NHS on graduation she should be set for life with a reasonable salary. A lot is working with elderly people although there's options to work in mental health as well. Just a thought. Good luck.

She may not suit uni and that's ok. Is there anything she fancies she coukd work towards getting a fulfilling job in? Healthcare or animal care, local nursery? Does she have leanings towards any profession?
I get where you are coming from and it can be hard to move past the unfairness of some hands poeple are dealt.
However you have to find the positives and work towards her finding a meaningful life of her own.
She may need to be with you until she is more confident, 18 is very young with all her added needs.
I think you do need to let go of the perfect neice frustration and just focus on your DD and supporting her.

Sending you a huge hug. I am so sorry. I get it. It's an awful battle.

I just started ADHD meds and they are suppressing my hunger. It's been only a few days and I've lost weight. It is such a challenge to force myself to eat and not "celebrate" the unhealthy weight loss.

I get it and I am so sorry you are going through it. 💓 You are doing so well and are extremely strong. xx

Just a thought, have you tried her learning to drive with an automatic driving instructor. My son is ADHD, dyslexic and dyspraxic and that's what I'm planning on doing when the time is right. I totally get the home thing for her. My son sees our home as his anchor. I had to drive him daily to a school residential. His default is 'no' to most things. However he found a hobby ( oddly enough a sport that requires a lot of hand eye coordination) and it has made a tremendous difference to his life.

Why exactly isn't she happy? Is it that she feels she should be doing things or being things she isn't, because from your updates she actually sounds quite content.

I had hypnotherapy a while back and it did wonders for me. It helped me just accept who I am. I am actually far more content than a lot of much more high achieving, slimmer, prettier women - just because I decided I was enough.

Conversely I have a daughter. A fair bit younger than yours. Everything she does she is good at. Everything comes easy to her. Within a year of trying a hobby she represented her country. But she tortures herself for not being the best, sets herself totally unrealistic standards. It breaks my heart more than the challenges my son faces because he doesn't give a #### and just accepts who he is. The grass definitely isn't greener.

I hope your daughter finds her groove. She sounds like she has a lot going for her. X

From your post I think i can see why she (and you) are insecure. Bin the list of negatives and work on the positives. First one being she is healthy,second she is clearly not easiy led and thirdly she is HERE with you fgs. Ih abd GCSEs sound fine! Now complete the list.

Will definitely look into an automatic, just have to save a little as we can't quite afford a new car yet so she was going to have mine if she had managed manual.

She feels left behind, her only friend is leaving, her cousin is leaving, she has no one to talk to these days, it does upset her, she cries alot. She was really disappointed to have not made the grades for her course and is still coming to terms with this. It's been a crappy summer for her. She does envy her cousin, especially the male attention and looks side (less her cousins weight more her cousins natural beauty, as in having a 'pretty' face etc.). But she does also envy the natural talent, intelligence, and one DD picks up on alot of the time is her cousins general charisma and confidence.
That's why the comparison between the two comes up, DD isn't close to many people her age and her cousin is one of the few she is, so the stark differences do upset her.

Thank you, as are you. I hope the ADHD meds settle down, it's scary when those feelings come back xx

I had anorexia and it has taken me until I’m 36 to find my place. Please don’t compare your daughter to your niece, she may well find her place in life well before your niece does. Ultimately it doesn’t matter but knowing you love and support her will matter.

I think it would be helpful to stop comparing her to other people. At 18 I was adrift myself. Worked in restaurants/bars/retail for a few years and enjoyed my young life. Then I realised I was good with numbers, did an accountancy course, and worked as an accounts admin for 17 years, learning a lot during that time. After being made redundant I decided to pursue computer programming and have made that my career for the past 7 years. My point is it took me a long time to figure out what I want to do with my life, but I've been mostly happy and managed fine over the years by doing what I felt was right for me at the time. She's 18. She needs to figure out her own life, and all you need to do is love and support her.

Stop comparing her to others. Her school results are average so many others of her age will not have such good results. She may not be slim and pretty but most teens her age aren't either - most will be attractive in their own way. (I have a dd who is slim and very striking-looking but she has anxiety and depression and we are concerned her weight has dropped, as we know she is sometimes restricting food intake. Boys flock to her but they aren't always nice and she has had some upsetting experiences.)

I think a job in a supermarket would be a great idea. There are some awful snobs on here. In my view, any job that is making a positive contribution to society is valuable and none should be dismissed as beneath anyone. It would give her a good routine, sense of self worth, the opportunity to meet others of different ages and for her to feel more independent through earning her own money. Might help her mature too.

Shes clearly not ready to leave home (neither is mine) and there's no need for her to rush to do so. Many young adults live at home anyway nowadays for economic reasons. It doesn't make her a freak.

PS it took my very bright brother until about 30 to work out what he wanted to do in life. He did lots of interesting jobs in the interim.