Page 15 | Why is it so unfair - everything stacked against her?

AllTheOdds · 2023-09-08T16:31:56+00:00

My DD is 18, almost 19, she is smart and funny, but sometimes I feel like she is fighting a losing battle, she had ADHD, has dyspraxia and is dyslexic. I love her to pieces but really she has no 'natural' talents, she isn't creative, not particularly academic, definitely not sporty. She did her a-Levels after getting pretty average GCSEs and got BCC, not enough to do the course she wanted at uni. She has no idea what she wants to do. To top it off, she is incredibly insecure, not massively overweight but not slim, and she would say she isn't pretty (I disagree of course). She's never really had any attention from boys and this upsets her, has one friend but she is going away for uni. We have decided DD will take a gap year, get a job in supermarket or similar and take time to figure out what is next. I should also say, I'm not a high earner nor is my DH, we live in a council house etc. In contrast, I have one niece who is the same age as DD and sometimes I catch myself being envious of her and I know my DD is too, she is smart, got A/A* at A-level, going to her first choice uni. But on top of that she plays piano, is a pretty good singer, plays tennis well. Has won awards for all sorts, debating, maths, music, writing even art. She has always been the type of person who had everything come to her naturally. She is absolutely gorgeous (like even as her auntie I can appreciate is she above average on looks), had friends etc. she basically has been able to do whatever she wants. My sister and her husband divorced, but are both decent earners. own their homes, no mortgage (small northern town so not an expensive place to buy). I find myself crying and frustrated, I feel like DD has everything stacked against while my niece has it comparatively easy. Like why is it so unfair? Why do some people seem to be given all the worlds gifts and others all the challenges. I know my niece isn't perfect and has had her struggles (perfectionist, anorexia, anxiety), but comparatively DD seems to have nothing in her favour!!!! AIBU to be frustrated and envious? to be upset that DD seems to find everything a struggle? What do I do to stop feeling like this??

lapsedbookworm · 09/09/2023 09:58

Casiotoad · 09/09/2023 07:33

Yeah but she says she knows her niece is now the happiest person she knows so all good. Luckily people with anorexia never hide their inner turmoil

Quite. People would probably have said that about me when I was anorexic. I continued to party with friends and succeed in every area (first at uni, awards for volunteering and sport)... I was anorexic after suffering a trauma so unbearable I won't even write it down here, i'm still dealing with it 20 years later. At the time I didn't tell a soul

lapsedbookworm · 09/09/2023 10:02

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 09/09/2023 01:06

Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.

I am in recovery now for 20 years. It never really leaves. I know objectively I am thin and considered attractive but when I am stressed I feel hideous and gross and struggle to leave the house. Anorexia is mental illness feeding on self hatred. Your niece is not lucky.

I'm fat currently (thanks to a hefty dose of steroids) and losing weight safely is so tricky. It's like asking an alcoholic to drink a bottle of wine a night. It's a lifelong battle. People are complimenting me on how rapidly I am losing the weight, not realising that for me all the effort is going into not losing weight faster.
It's horrible how much it snags and snarls in your brain, even skipping one meal is a risk.

But yeah, I guess if we look all happy on the outside then our lives are perfect

Lampzade · 09/09/2023 10:12

P1pp1lotta · 09/09/2023 07:31

Jealousy is a seriously unattractive (and potentially dangerous) quality. So is the underdog mentality. You're setting your daughter up to fail before she's even begun.

Even worse, jealous of your own sister and niece? Yikes! You should be so proud of their achievements. And I say achievements because, yes, while some people are gifted in certain areas, and some, very fortunate others, do have things handed to them, for the majority it takes a lot of bloody hard work, discipline, strain, pain and sacrifice (physical, mental, financial etc) to attain, and sometimes maintain, the types of accolades you mention. A win for any of my siblings is a win for us all in my eyes.

In response to the question at the end of your original post, the first thing I would suggest is fostering an attitude of gratitude - count your blessings! You have your husband, a healthy daughter, sight, ability to walk, job, education, a home, access to free healthcare, whatever you have - be grateful for it. Your daughter is blessed with amazing traits and abilities too. There are far worse things you and she could be dealing with right now than some, actually, decent A level results, feeling a bit of an ugly duckling, having only one friend and not knowing what to do with herself at 18yrs old. If you really believe she has 'everything stacked against her' you need to broaden your awareness of the world we live in. Do you realise that in some countries, children with your daughter’s types of conditions are being dumped at orphanages and mental institutions, rejected by their families and communities and never given the love they need, let alone the opportunity for an education or to work? Have a read about how women in some parts of the world are forced to fight for their rights, or for basic amenities and resources that we take for granted!

The second thing I would suggest is looking inward instead of at others. Does your jealousy stem from insecurity? Do you feel you have underachieved? Or are untalented? Or unattractive? And not in comparison to anyone else, but in your own self? Be very aware that those insecurities and any bitterness can often be sensed by other people. And conversations or even little comments in front of your daughter over the years, comparing your sister’s mortgage-free, seemingly great lifestyle to your own, will definitely have had some impact on her. If you have a defeatist mentality your daughter might end up the same way. Teaching her, however indirectly it may be, that others are successful simply because they are lucky and that you are unsuccessful because you are unlucky is doing her a huge disservice. I do believe a bit of healthy competition can be good in some circumstances, but we should really be focusing on ourselves and finding our own place in the world, celebrating our individuality and creating our own opportunities for improvement, rather than trying to beat others at their game. It’s never too late to ‘get a life’ and up your own game however. Is there something you've always wanted to do but have held back out of fear? Now might be the time to try. And your daughter, whether she shows it or not, will admire you for anything you (and your husband) achieve. You are who she sees everyday: your activities, your attitudes, your behaviours. Focus on being the strong, positive, role-model for her (and for your niece) that you would have wanted.

Thirdly, I think it would benefit both you and your daughter to get out in nature a bit. Get a map and find big local parks, beaches, nature reserves or nearby national parks you can take some long walks in at the weekends or whenever you have time off. Fresh air and casual exercise can work wonders at very little financial cost. And make for wonderful opportunities to really talk and to bond. Talk to her as a woman, as if you’re friends. Tell her about your childhood, your ambitions and dreams growing up, who you fancied, what you do at work, a faraway country you've always wanted to visit, anything. And you can be honest about things that didn’t go well or times that you may have failed, but leave the self-pity at home.

Gratitude, self-reflection, fresh air...

Good luck!

Great post

Marmalade71 · 09/09/2023 10:28

I do wonder how many of these posts have missed the fact that the OP lost a child just over a decade ago and that her DD lost her brother.

I do see that the apparent lack of understanding of the seriousness of anorexia will have been hurtful and triggering to some, but a few posters are talking down to the OP like she doesn't know how lucky she is. It is far more complex than that.

Marmalade71 · 09/09/2023 10:42

Can't see the edit button so just following on from my most recent post -

I mean thank god I don't know what it feels like to lose a child but I just feel that if I had experienced that utmost trauma, telling me to be grateful and get some fresh air would, to put it mildly, not bring out the best in me.

It may be good advice in general - and absolutely spending quality time together to help inspire confidence in the OP's DD is important, but please let's remember what this family has been through.

Moonlightonthemoor · 09/09/2023 11:12

Marmalade71 · 09/09/2023 10:28

I do wonder how many of these posts have missed the fact that the OP lost a child just over a decade ago and that her DD lost her brother.

I do see that the apparent lack of understanding of the seriousness of anorexia will have been hurtful and triggering to some, but a few posters are talking down to the OP like she doesn't know how lucky she is. It is far more complex than that.

I think it's hugely significant although didn't mention it in my previous post because it's something that should be raised by trained therapists.

However, I wonder if this is a cause of DD wanting to stay home in a safe place.

Also if DD feels she subconsciously needs to stay with her parents as she doesn't want to be the cause of any upset if she were to leave. And/or possibly the OP subconsciously doesn't want DD to go away as then there is the coming to terms of another loss of a child leaving.

Then there's a whole thing about time moving on - leaving behind DS.
It's how I feel over the loss of my sibling - it's grief that never goes and in some cases there can even be survivor guilt.

But I'm not a therapist and OP says they had counselling so I'm hoping this has been raised and spoken about.

What I would recommend is OP looking into further therapy to uncover what is happening currently with both herself and DD.

P1pp1lotta · 09/09/2023 11:29

Marmalade71 · 09/09/2023 10:42

Can't see the edit button so just following on from my most recent post -

I mean thank god I don't know what it feels like to lose a child but I just feel that if I had experienced that utmost trauma, telling me to be grateful and get some fresh air would, to put it mildly, not bring out the best in me.

It may be good advice in general - and absolutely spending quality time together to help inspire confidence in the OP's DD is important, but please let's remember what this family has been through.

Incidentally, I actually have lost a child - my first and only. Gratitude for the time we had, and for everything I am still fortunate to have, in comparison to what others have suffered/are still suffering, helped me through it. And yes, fresh air, going for a long walk to chat with my own mum, to have a good think or to clear my head, and getting a bit of time away from certain pressures, even if just for a few hours, certainly did too.

OP asked a question at the end of her original post about how to stop feeling the way she does. While a lot people wrote responses to questions she didn't actually ask (albeit with some great suggestions and ideas for her daughter), I believe she is genuinely reaching out for help with something she knows is a weakness, and that is what I addressed in my response - some suggestions of ways to do this.

KnittedJimmyChoos · 09/09/2023 11:42

Bcc is nothing to be sniffed at, at all.

Smithy8001 · 09/09/2023 11:43

Why don’t people read all the OPs posts? She’s already said her daughter doesn’t like animals or small children. Suggesting Camp America when the OP has said she can’t even stay with a grandparent without having to be brought home in severe distress???
OP it sounds like your daughter may need some help, perhaps a further assessment of her additional needs. It sounds tough, she’s lucky she has you in her corner. Best of luck.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/09/2023 12:19

I thought about your post today talking to a friend. Her dd had many mh struggles, didn’t go to uni, stayed at home and got a local job. She’d gradually started branching out a bit and friend told me today she’s now abroad doing a language course. She’s 5 years older than typical going to uni age but just needed the extra time. I was so happy to hear this.

Coachvikki · 09/09/2023 12:27

She absolutely will find her place and 19 is too young for it to expect it to have happened yet. I also have ADHD, dylexia and dyprexia, and absolutely no talent. I remember when I was a kid moaning to my mum that I had no talent (my brother was really good at music and drawing) and she joked that I was "really good at talking" (she wasn't being mean and I didn't take it that way. I responded "you can't make a job out of talking". I was wrong, you absolutely can. 90% of my role is about interacting with other people.

My point is, that we need to look a little wider for our talents sometimes. Being kind, but not a pushover, is a great characteristic to have in the working world. Much better than being able to play the piano well, or even having good grades. However, one thing that can stop us discovering our talents is being compared to others. I know you are likely not vocalising your thoughts to your daughter, but she might pick up on the negative comparison to her cousin. And honestly, if your niece is fighting mental health challenges it doesn't sound like she is better off at all!

enchantedsquirrelwood · 09/09/2023 13:22

AnIndianWoman · 08/09/2023 20:36

I’m dyslexic, have ADHD, got mostly Cs and Ds but after A Level I flourished at uni. I think you did her a massive disservice by making her take a gap year. Gap years are for fun, to get experiences you won’t get anywhere else, they aren’t supposed to be fillers to waste time until uni and graduate employers no longer look favourably at these kinds of experiences unless there’s a real reason for them (eg saving for uni fees etc).

Complete and utter rubbish. Any work experience is valuable, and it's perfectly fine to take time out to earn money and decide what to do with the next part of your life.

I can't believe you wrote such an inaccurate and unhelpful post.

In my sector, someone taking a year out between school and university to earn money and develop soft skills would not be turned down for interview if they otherwise met the criteria for an interview.

lapsedbookworm · 09/09/2023 13:23

Marmalade71 · 09/09/2023 10:28

I do wonder how many of these posts have missed the fact that the OP lost a child just over a decade ago and that her DD lost her brother.

I do see that the apparent lack of understanding of the seriousness of anorexia will have been hurtful and triggering to some, but a few posters are talking down to the OP like she doesn't know how lucky she is. It is far more complex than that.

To be fair I did miss that. Of course that will have had a huge impact on op and her daughter.

However, I don't think it's unreasonable for people to point out that if someone is or has been anorexic they almost certainly are coping with struggles that might be hidden beneath the surface and possibly trauma no one knows about. There's an unfair assumption it's rooted in vanity when it is primarily rooted in trauma . It's not "talking down" to the op or trying to make the op feel grateful. In fact I don't think the niece's life (easy or otherwise) is really relevant here at all, other than it has highlighted things to op that she finds uncomfortable or is worried about, and I am sure op knows that too really

enchantedsquirrelwood · 09/09/2023 13:25

Marmalade71 · 09/09/2023 10:28

I do wonder how many of these posts have missed the fact that the OP lost a child just over a decade ago and that her DD lost her brother.

I do see that the apparent lack of understanding of the seriousness of anorexia will have been hurtful and triggering to some, but a few posters are talking down to the OP like she doesn't know how lucky she is. It is far more complex than that.

Yes and it also struck me when I was thinking about this thread that everyone (including me) had rushed in with advice, when actually the OP was probably just screaming into the void, because she doesn't know what her dd will do. She doesn't want advice, she wants to articulate her concern and distress and wants people to listen.

I am very sorry about your ds OP, I can't even imagine how that affected your family (and indeed the wider family - did this also have an effect on your niece).

NeverDropYourMooncup · 09/09/2023 15:06

lapsedbookworm · 09/09/2023 13:23

To be fair I did miss that. Of course that will have had a huge impact on op and her daughter.

However, I don't think it's unreasonable for people to point out that if someone is or has been anorexic they almost certainly are coping with struggles that might be hidden beneath the surface and possibly trauma no one knows about. There's an unfair assumption it's rooted in vanity when it is primarily rooted in trauma . It's not "talking down" to the op or trying to make the op feel grateful. In fact I don't think the niece's life (easy or otherwise) is really relevant here at all, other than it has highlighted things to op that she finds uncomfortable or is worried about, and I am sure op knows that too really

Show quote history

It was a bit of a 'holy dripfeed, Batman' post.

It doesn't change my mind, though - it makes it all the more remarkable how amazingly well the OP's daughter has succeeded in getting great A Level results in subjects that are challenging, that she hated doing, with Dyspraxia, with ADHD, with her anxiety - and it is simply unreasonable to be interpreting it as presented in the initial post as a failure on the daughter's part to not have 3 x A stars, a constant stream of suitors and to not be thin.

Askil · 09/09/2023 15:15

@OP my dc got BCC at A'level, graduated this year and started a good graduate job last week. Why are you so despondent over her A'Levels? surely its a simple matter of deciding what she wants to study and aim for universities within her grade reach the flood of rejections which can be soul destroying.

Original poster

AllTheOdds · 09/09/2023 15:17

Askil · 09/09/2023 15:15

@OP my dc got BCC at A'level, graduated this year and started a good graduate job last week. Why are you so despondent over her A'Levels? surely its a simple matter of deciding what she wants to study and aim for universities within her grade reach the flood of rejections which can be soul destroying.

I know they are good grades. But right now there is only one course at one uni she's interested in and she didn't meet the grades for that which is why it is upsetting. I know they are good grades (heck I didn't even do A levels) but DD isn't happy with them which is what upsets me. I'm happy when DD is happy.

OP posts:

thaegumathteth · 09/09/2023 15:18

But OP that's not the odds stacked against her? That's her making that choice. If my son only chose one subject as one Uni he'd have much less chance of success too because that's the way it works.

Askil · 09/09/2023 15:21

What course is it she is interested in? what were her predicted grades?
you're going to have to work on her self esteem and rationality that her success in whatever her chosen field is, its not tied to any one university nor course. There are differing ways to get to where she wants and if one door closes, she should try another. Just keep repeating that to her everytime she is calm. I also agree that she could find a better way to spend her gap year. What about a degree apprenticeship? I know its not the same experience as university but it's an option.

Original poster

AllTheOdds · 09/09/2023 15:26

thaegumathteth · 09/09/2023 15:18

But OP that's not the odds stacked against her? That's her making that choice. If my son only chose one subject as one Uni he'd have much less chance of success too because that's the way it works.

But it isn't a choice, I know if she could she would love to go to uni further but she can't be away from home she just isn't able to.

OP posts:

TripleDaisySummer · 09/09/2023 15:27

I know they are good grades. But right now there is only one course at one uni she's interested in and she didn't meet the grades for that which is why it is upsetting.

I had to re-asses what course to apply for during my A-levels - and DD1 has had to do the same - DS only just started but course he looking at is very competitive and we've already had conversations about he made need to be more flexible and it wouldn't hurt to look a bit wider even if he decides to stick to original plan.

It is frankly a bit daft to be so limited - and I wonder again if this points to a another underlying issue inability to be flexible - something my DC can be - and lack of preparation in having a better plan b.

I see if that's anything with https://www.open.ac.uk/ - a course/foundation that could make her look more appealing to her preferred course while also trying to get her to widen her focus.

The Open University

The Open University offers flexible part-time study, supported distance and open learning for undergraduate and postgraduate courses and qualifications.

https://www.open.ac.uk

Original poster

AllTheOdds · 09/09/2023 15:30

Askil · 09/09/2023 15:21

What course is it she is interested in? what were her predicted grades?
you're going to have to work on her self esteem and rationality that her success in whatever her chosen field is, its not tied to any one university nor course. There are differing ways to get to where she wants and if one door closes, she should try another. Just keep repeating that to her everytime she is calm. I also agree that she could find a better way to spend her gap year. What about a degree apprenticeship? I know its not the same experience as university but it's an option.

Film, Media and Cultural studies. She was predicted ABB. We live in the north west by train reasonably she can get to one uni (the one she applied to), then there are two a bit further away. They don't have a course she is interested in. They do have film courses which she would be able to do so I'm not sure why she isn't interested but when I mentioned them she refused. Our options uni wise are Lancaster, Central Lancashire and Cumbria (though this is a bit tougher to get to).

OP posts:

Bruisername · 09/09/2023 15:32

It does sound like she is putting a lot of restrictions on herself. Opportunities come but you have to look for them

work On her independence and encourage her to get out there - hopefully after a year she will be in a better position

Bruisername · 09/09/2023 15:33

I should add that you also need to work on how you project yourself to her - if she feels you want her to stay close she will never leave you

Original poster

AllTheOdds · 09/09/2023 15:35

Bruisername · 09/09/2023 15:33

I should add that you also need to work on how you project yourself to her - if she feels you want her to stay close she will never leave you

I encouraged her to go. She was going to apply to a London uni where her cousin will be studying and where we have a family friend/industry connections. We went to the open day and couldn't even get through the day before she was crying and wanting to go home.

OP posts: