Why is it so unfair - everything stacked against her?

[AllTheOdds]

My DD is 18, almost 19, she is smart and funny, but sometimes I feel like she is fighting a losing battle, she had ADHD, has dyspraxia and is dyslexic. I love her to pieces but really she has no 'natural' talents, she isn't creative, not particularly academic, definitely not sporty. She did her a-Levels after getting pretty average GCSEs and got BCC, not enough to do the course she wanted at uni. She has no idea what she wants to do. To top it off, she is incredibly insecure, not massively overweight but not slim, and she would say she isn't pretty (I disagree of course). She's never really had any attention from boys and this upsets her, has one friend but she is going away for uni. We have decided DD will take a gap year, get a job in supermarket or similar and take time to figure out what is next. I should also say, I'm not a high earner nor is my DH, we live in a council house etc.
In contrast, I have one niece who is the same age as DD and sometimes I catch myself being envious of her and I know my DD is too, she is smart, got A/A* at A-level, going to her first choice uni. But on top of that she plays piano, is a pretty good singer, plays tennis well. Has won awards for all sorts, debating, maths, music, writing even art. She has always been the type of person who had everything come to her naturally. She is absolutely gorgeous (like even as her auntie I can appreciate is she above average on looks), had friends etc. she basically has been able to do whatever she wants. My sister and her husband divorced, but are both decent earners. own their homes, no mortgage (small northern town so not an expensive place to buy).
I find myself crying and frustrated, I feel like DD has everything stacked against while my niece has it comparatively easy. Like why is it so unfair? Why do some people seem to be given all the worlds gifts and others all the challenges. I know my niece isn't perfect and has had her struggles (perfectionist, anorexia, anxiety), but comparatively DD seems to have nothing in her favour!!!!

AIBU to be frustrated and envious? to be upset that DD seems to find everything a struggle? What do I do to stop feeling like this??

I have dyspraxia and am overweight so know some of what your daughter is going through. I started volunteering with a youth group at 16. Nursery aged children were too much for me too but I managed with slightly older children. 23 years later and I am still volunteering with the same group. I had a job at 18 but I didn’t enjoy it. At 20 I got a paid job in a charity shop and I loved it. I am still there now too. Retail might be a good option but not fashion driven as that environment may be too hard faced and competitive.

I met DH when I was 31 years old, finally moved out around 18 months later and married DH around two years later again. I did date before then but nothing lasted more than three months. Online dating worked for me as I too am shy in person. Your daughter will absolutely find her way she just needs you to help with that first push.

I have 4 children. Three are AAA* types, my son is incredibly bright and lovely but hugely dyslexic and I'm sure would be diagnosed with ADHD, as would I. My son is now 26. He does something he loves - we had no judgement about the fact he didn't go to university because it wasn't the right time/place for him. He's great at his job (building) and is funny, sweet and lovely. No way will I compare him with anyone else. He's his own lovely person.

My son is autistic and has ADHD. His cousin / my neice the same age as him, got all A* grades at GCSE and has just secured her place at Cambridge University following her A level results. They're two different people and we're thrilled for both of their achievements. My son developed a special interest during lockdown completely unrelated to his A levels. His UCAS application was submitted only just before the deadline, and contained a personal statement based on his self taught knowledge. He was offered places at 4 different universities to study this subject at degree level. We've applied for DSA as we know he'll need additional support while he's away and we've been impressed so far with what they're able to offer. He doesn't drive either (had 1 lesson but found it too overwhelming) but that's okay as far as we're concerned, because when there's an actual need for him to drive, I have no doubt that he'll learn then. He'll shortly be moving to a university at the other end of the country. Yes, it'll be a huge adjustment but we're doing what we can to help prepare him for that. He's made himself known to the disability access team at university and they're running special events for neurodivergent students during welcome week - he'll find his tribe soon enough. Change can be scary and overwhelming but with the right support your daughter can do anything at all.

Please don’t let her ‘just get a job in a supermarket or something’!!! What an epic waste of time at such a great time of life!!
please get her involved in something much more exciting and dynamic and useful for her to build knowledge, skills, opportunities. She’ll be in an even worse frame of mind after stacking shelves!
Can you actively encourage her into something with some brilliance to it at least - a sport, a charity role, several work experience placements in very different sectors? Honestly encouraging her to spend in a year at a supermarket to ponder is mind numbing and not going to help her much.

Perfect response here.

Anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.

I am in recovery now for 20 years. It never really leaves. I know objectively I am thin and considered attractive but when I am stressed I feel hideous and gross and struggle to leave the house. Anorexia is mental illness feeding on self hatred. Your niece is not lucky.

im getting the vibe you are concerned with DDs negative points and overthinking your nieces positives…….everyone has their own battles…..concentrate on a plan for your daughter ignoring outside influences and things will seem simpler. I can’t imagine comparing my son with my nephews - they are completely different people - and my son has adhd so I can sympathise with the additional needs

To get those results with ADHD etc..is absolutely bloody amazing.

It is so much harder for kids with additional needs and you don't seem to be recognising her achievement.

Give your head a wobble.

Lots of uni's have lower course entry requirements for people with disabilities. UCAS has a lot of guidance.

How is she with animals?

I find animals don't care about your A Levels or your love life. They can boost confidence and really help when you are down.

Would she consider working with animals? Either as a gap year or maybe longer term?

Just a few thoughts after reading the whole thread.

1. YHA - is there a youth hostel in your town or nearby? Maybe a bit less full-on than retail but still having to deal with lots of people. Paid or voluntary.
2. Definitely explore learning to drive on an automatic. Would give her and her Dad time together.
3. Could she be a volunteer reader with children who need extra help? If not in your school, then another local one.
4. Hospital radio station?
5. What used to be called "Talking Books for the Blind" (sorry don't know what it's called now or even if it still exists) She could do some of the reading or help with the production side.

As others have said - life is long and she's only 18. And Baz Luhrmann is not wrong!

Can your DD go & visit her friend at uni ?

I recommend doing some volunteering, I have met some interesting people & had some great opportunities

I recommend doing some charitable fund raising

I recommend joining Duke of Edinburghs award or Princes Trust groups

I recommend doing a first aid course like Red Cross or St John's Ambulance

You could do some together?

60% of GCSE graduates go on to take A levels.
67% of those took 3 A levels in 2023.
75% of them got grade C or above.

This means she's already in the top 30% of students who were in her year at age 16 - she's smarter and better qualified than 7 out of 10 kids her age!

I agree with PP that your perspective is unreasonably gloomy. You're underestimating her. She can still go to uni, take a vocational course, enter a professional or management training course, or just fart around trying different things until she finds what floats her boat.

Look at her talents! Forget comparisons.

This
Also , you really need to stop comparing her to her cousin.
Focus on her strengths. I think a gap year is a wonderful idea
My dd1 and dniece not took a gap year and it was the making of them..

Totally agree.

Can I ask, do you generally have a negative attitude to things. Such as one cloudy day on your holidays leads to you saying "we always have clouds on holidays" I ask because I've met several people like that, nothing is good. Bad luck follows them around. If you might be a bit like that, have you passed that see the bad not the good attitude to your dd?

she actually had brilliant results if she's dyslexic. Sadly if she is not slim, that's actually quite normal and she doesn't stand out in any way.

how do you know she hasn't had any interest from boys. I had a friend who at 17 was always being chatted up, then would main how boys were never interested and I would point out what had just happened.

I would tell your daughter to take a year out, but to volunteer at something that takes her out of her comfort zone, where she has to meet new people. To give it 3 months and if it is still dreadful, then try something else. A job in a supermarket or any retail would be good...where she gets short sharp interaction with strangers as well as getting into the idea of what working is like.

Join a gym or go swimming together. It will give her confidence if you are there....after a while you miss the odd session but get her to go alone

She's an adult now and being compared to her cousin, even if you don't say anything, needs to stop. She will have to make her own life

Well for a start OP, those really aren’t bad grades, I must be living on a different planet compared to most people.

But echo the above, please think about camp America op. I think it’d be really good for her, bring her confidence up and could totally end up changing her life.

Please don’t encourage her to work in a supermarket for a year, I think she’s likely to just end up staying there if she gets comfy which isn’t necessarily a bad thing but for her own personal development it might be nice for her to do something else with her life.

I think you are comparing unfairly here. Everyone has their own issues and you thinking this will transfer negativity to your own DD. You're valuing superficial things over inherent happiness - focus on that instead of all that superficial stuff. DD might feel more loved than niece and that's worth a lot

@boomtickhouse I suggest you go back and read all of OPs responses which will give you a bit of insight as to what she and her family have been through and perhaps you’ll re-think your comments on this post.

Her A levels were great given that she has dyslexia . She sounds like a hard worker and determined

Encourage her to do something worthwhile for her gap year. Even if volunteering some good for her Cv .

She can definitely go to uni with those grades. Is she interested in doing an apprenticeship?

Jealousy is a seriously unattractive (and potentially dangerous) quality. So is the underdog mentality. You're setting your daughter up to fail before she's even begun.

Even worse, jealous of your own sister and niece? Yikes! You should be so proud of their achievements. And I say achievements because, yes, while some people are gifted in certain areas, and some, very fortunate others, do have things handed to them, for the majority it takes a lot of bloody hard work, discipline, strain, pain and sacrifice (physical, mental, financial etc) to attain, and sometimes maintain, the types of accolades you mention. A win for any of my siblings is a win for us all in my eyes.

In response to the question at the end of your original post, the first thing I would suggest is fostering an attitude of gratitude - count your blessings! You have your husband, a healthy daughter, sight, ability to walk, job, education, a home, access to free healthcare, whatever you have - be grateful for it. Your daughter is blessed with amazing traits and abilities too. There are far worse things you and she could be dealing with right now than some, actually, decent A level results, feeling a bit of an ugly duckling, having only one friend and not knowing what to do with herself at 18yrs old. If you really believe she has 'everything stacked against her' you need to broaden your awareness of the world we live in. Do you realise that in some countries, children with your daughter’s types of conditions are being dumped at orphanages and mental institutions, rejected by their families and communities and never given the love they need, let alone the opportunity for an education or to work? Have a read about how women in some parts of the world are forced to fight for their rights, or for basic amenities and resources that we take for granted!

The second thing I would suggest is looking inward instead of at others. Does your jealousy stem from insecurity? Do you feel you have underachieved? Or are untalented? Or unattractive? And not in comparison to anyone else, but in your own self? Be very aware that those insecurities and any bitterness can often be sensed by other people. And conversations or even little comments in front of your daughter over the years, comparing your sister’s mortgage-free, seemingly great lifestyle to your own, will definitely have had some impact on her. If you have a defeatist mentality your daughter might end up the same way. Teaching her, however indirectly it may be, that others are successful simply because they are lucky and that you are unsuccessful because you are unlucky is doing her a huge disservice. I do believe a bit of healthy competition can be good in some circumstances, but we should really be focusing on ourselves and finding our own place in the world, celebrating our individuality and creating our own opportunities for improvement, rather than trying to beat others at their game. It’s never too late to ‘get a life’ and up your own game however. Is there something you've always wanted to do but have held back out of fear? Now might be the time to try. And your daughter, whether she shows it or not, will admire you for anything you (and your husband) achieve. You are who she sees everyday: your activities, your attitudes, your behaviours. Focus on being the strong, positive, role-model for her (and for your niece) that you would have wanted.

Thirdly, I think it would benefit both you and your daughter to get out in nature a bit. Get a map and find big local parks, beaches, nature reserves or nearby national parks you can take some long walks in at the weekends or whenever you have time off. Fresh air and casual exercise can work wonders at very little financial cost. And make for wonderful opportunities to really talk and to bond. Talk to her as a woman, as if you’re friends. Tell her about your childhood, your ambitions and dreams growing up, who you fancied, what you do at work, a faraway country you've always wanted to visit, anything. And you can be honest about things that didn’t go well or times that you may have failed, but leave the self-pity at home.

Gratitude, self-reflection, fresh air...

Good luck!

Yeah but she says she knows her niece is now the happiest person she knows so all good. Luckily people with anorexia never hide their inner turmoil

I'm impressed she has done amazing

Does she like animals? She could try working in a vets and work her way up to become a vet assistant eventually through them

Or same with a dental assistant

What about kids? Would she want to be a nursery nurse ? Again managers roles etc come up there too

What about a teaching assistant in a school especially for children with dyslexia etc? Again promotions are an option there too

Could she resit her a levels if she wants to do the course she originally wanted?

Are there other unos not to far she could get on through clearing? There should be courses that don't start until Jan/feb next year

What about a business course? And aim to set up an Etsy business

You say your niece does music and you think that's great would your daughter be willing to start piano lessons or singing for fun - maybe release some stress

My friends wanted to be a doctor since she was young enough to speak. She didn't get thre grades a few times she has done this course and then that course and gone into it in a roundabout way. It has taken her 7 years longer than it should have but she's done it! If she can do that to be a doctor your daughter can do whatever she wants just may take a little more time to do so

Your DD sounds lovely - there's nothing wrong with being average, the world is full of average people!
Comparing her to your niece is unfair

Could she resit this year if that particular course at that particular uni is her main focus/ goal?