Why is it so unfair - everything stacked against her?

[AllTheOdds]

My DD is 18, almost 19, she is smart and funny, but sometimes I feel like she is fighting a losing battle, she had ADHD, has dyspraxia and is dyslexic. I love her to pieces but really she has no 'natural' talents, she isn't creative, not particularly academic, definitely not sporty. She did her a-Levels after getting pretty average GCSEs and got BCC, not enough to do the course she wanted at uni. She has no idea what she wants to do. To top it off, she is incredibly insecure, not massively overweight but not slim, and she would say she isn't pretty (I disagree of course). She's never really had any attention from boys and this upsets her, has one friend but she is going away for uni. We have decided DD will take a gap year, get a job in supermarket or similar and take time to figure out what is next. I should also say, I'm not a high earner nor is my DH, we live in a council house etc.
In contrast, I have one niece who is the same age as DD and sometimes I catch myself being envious of her and I know my DD is too, she is smart, got A/A* at A-level, going to her first choice uni. But on top of that she plays piano, is a pretty good singer, plays tennis well. Has won awards for all sorts, debating, maths, music, writing even art. She has always been the type of person who had everything come to her naturally. She is absolutely gorgeous (like even as her auntie I can appreciate is she above average on looks), had friends etc. she basically has been able to do whatever she wants. My sister and her husband divorced, but are both decent earners. own their homes, no mortgage (small northern town so not an expensive place to buy).
I find myself crying and frustrated, I feel like DD has everything stacked against while my niece has it comparatively easy. Like why is it so unfair? Why do some people seem to be given all the worlds gifts and others all the challenges. I know my niece isn't perfect and has had her struggles (perfectionist, anorexia, anxiety), but comparatively DD seems to have nothing in her favour!!!!

AIBU to be frustrated and envious? to be upset that DD seems to find everything a struggle? What do I do to stop feeling like this??

So @AllTheOdds reading your latest post, is it you picking up your DD distress over her cousin's success or us she picking it up from you. Your first post sounds like it's the latter to be honest.

Be honest with yourself, do you need some further support for this stage in DD life?

Also, please see the GP as I feel DD needs an assessment for how she is presenting now. Depression? Trauma? Autism? Could be any, could be all 3. Is she on meds for her ADHD?

Also my dd is on medication and receives therapeutic input regularly, which she values.

Agreed. Thats how I read it too and I wonder if DD is picking up on that.

Either way I think counselling for DD would be beneficial. It's not healthy to compare yourself to one other person like that

@AllTheOdds

Just get her a few auto lessons and see how it goes. I've ended up with all auto cars and I've only ever bought second hand cheap cars.

Could she try the OU in terms of uni? It might be a very good solution for a home bird.

Could she also do a bit of volunteering? It sounds as though her world is very small and it could do with being enlarged not geographically, just in terms of who she mixes with. She sounds like she is in good health, has a very loving and supportive family, is pretty bright if she can get decent A-levels with academic challenges. May be mixing with less fortunate people will help her appreciate what she has and what she is capable of achieving.

My daughter has additional needs (ASD) and I don’t see her going to Uni either with her peers either because she won’t be mature enough at 18. I think getting any kind of work experience is important so that she gets used to the challenges of a work setting. I work in TV and have just been interviewing apprentices of her age for a role and the ones who had already worked in a pub or somewhere else definitely did better in the interview. There is no rush for her to start her career right now. Get her used to paid work and maybe organise some additional work experience in different environments, like an office etc and give her some time and space to mature a bit more and work out what she wants to do. She did very well to get those grades given her challenges. I would be ecstatic if my DD manages to achieve that. Re her looks, billions of average looking people are in happy relationships and are not held back in life in anyway. Helping her improve her self esteem is the key point here.

Could she also do a bit of volunteering? It sounds as though her world is very small and it could do with being enlarged not geographically, just in terms of who she mixes with. She sounds like she is in good health, has a very loving and supportive family, is pretty bright if she can get decent A-levels with academic challenges. May be mixing with less fortunate people will help her appreciate what she has and what she is capable of achieving.

This is a good idea. Volunteering would be a good way to get her out of this bubble where she only compares her life with her cousin (and can't even see her cousins own battles)

I got a BBC at uni, am dyspraxic and I now have a doctorate and a great career. I have a loving partner, my own home and kids. I have always considered myself pretty average at everything, I can do a lot of things but only to a basic level and don't really excel in anything. However, the things I have discovered that I enjoy I practice until I get better at it, and i do it because I enjoy it. To be honest, I think you're part of the problem. Stop comparing your daughter to your neice, everyone has their own problems and it's not fair on your daughter for you to be envious of her. Focus on supporting your daughter and helping her discover what makes her happy. Support her to find things that enrich her life and stop expecting so much from her. Hardly anyone knows what they want to do at 18, even those who go to uni, and uni isn't everything.

Oh no no no. Please have hope. She received really good grades considering her challenges. I am similar but not with eating disorder. I received worse grades but still managed to achieve a master's. As I've studied psychology i have quite a bit of knowledge about neurodiversty and theories of intelligence. It would be too long to go into right now but what it is key is the knowledge that ND brains have above average strengths for me I'm low on working memory but my comprehension is way above the average. I would suggest finding a coach who specializes on neurodiversty - Genius Within is a good place to start. I would also recommend positive psychology more specifically character strengths. Finally as a mother it may be worthwhile reflecting on your own understanding of what intelligence is, why you feel the way you do, what is from you and what is from others/society. Finally she needs you to believe in her and to help her find her way. It can be hard as a young person but it does get easier especially when you find the right path. I bet she has so much to offer the world but she probably needs some help with her self worth and put school behind her. There are allot of successful people who struggled at school, allot of famous people to.

Sounds like you both need therapy.

Have faith OP, your DD will grow and blossom in her own time. Help her to find a job and let her meet new people and grow in confidence she will find her way. While I hope your niece and DDs friend settle in ok at uni, there is no guarantee and this is often a lonely and difficult time for young people moving away from home. She is certainly not the only one in this situation.

I think you've had a rough ride on here, OP. There's always a few 'maybe you're the problem' responses on threads where the OP admits the sun doesn't shine out of their child, but it's not usually this vicious.

The blunt truth is that some children do experience a failure to launch, and do need help from their parents. And that help should be honest and practical, and not pretend that it's fine that she can't leave home or that BCC is a excellent set of results.

In response to your questions, it's not unreasonable to feel frustrated and envious about the situation. The best way to stop feeling like this is to help your DD out of the rut she currently finds herself in. It does sound like that will be difficult for her, there's no easy method. But an ASD assessment and possibly some anti-anxiety treatment/medication might be a good start.

But she does have YOU. You have no idea what she will accomplish down the line. University will be good for her. A "gap year" working in a shop sounds shit. What a waste of a year of her young life - for what? if she is having a gap year, it needs to be something fun, useful and educational. Look at the Workaway website if you don't have money. There a so many great places she could go and things to do and people to meet - even here in the British Isles if not abroad.

Not getting into University isn't the end of the world. I ended school max grade C, went to college to repeat English to get a C grade, as I had made an error in the exam and they had marked me down as D. Then I ended up getting a job in the Civil Service. It gave me a great grounding and they didn't require high GCSE or A level qualifications. I'm on the Autistic spectrum and mild dyspraxia. I was 19 and I'm now 38 and just got a second promotion.

@RojoCarlottaValdez i completely disagree. This is a child who has never had a Saturday job, does not have any of the soft skills others develop naturally. Spending a year working, getting to know a variety of people and living in the real world away from school is exactly what she needs. Plus a year is nothing, she can then use her grades to go in the direction of her choosing.

Comparison is the thief of joy,
please be kind to yourself x

You need to encourage your daughter to leave home for university. A new start and some new horizons and independence would do her the world of good. Start telling her every day that you believe in her, that she can do hard things.

Your daughter has had her confidence knocked. I think your daughter is absorbing a defeated attitude and you need to say ‘no, you did not get the grades’. In your heart of heart do you think you put in enough work? ‘. She can retake them and needs to pull her finger out.
My daughter has dyslexia and many asd traits but isn’t diagnosed. She has a steel trap memory, really amazing solution finding skills, very good creative writer, good friend, empathetic.
Your daughter sounds like my sister who has an adult daughter older than yours, autistic but not severely so. Never learnt life skills. Lives with my sister and has massive meltdowns, breakdowns and rages. You don’t want this I assure you.
My daughter’s older brother died before she was born. She knows loss, altered lives. Your daughter had a much profounder loss. I’m
sorry too for your very painful loss Op.
I think you need to sit your daughter down and ask her what went through her head when she had her extreme reactions. Scenario plan with her. As well as that she needs to pay you a small rent, make your dinners three times a week, do part of housework and the shopping.

Yanbu for wishing she had it easier but I’m sorry but you are unreasonable for assuming your niece has it all because behind all of those achievements are hard work mixed with bouts of failure that you won’t have seen. A lot of us aren’t particularly amazing at anything and jump from job to job (sometimes finding great people along the way) and while it’s not easy, positivity and a lifetime of fun helps! I write but live for comedy anyway, love tv, books, am unfit as hell but try anything I can- fun runs that I generally come last in, dance classes where I can’t keep up (watch the Friends episode where Monica takes up classes), I used to horse ride and fall off regularly, I struggle through swimming but feel amazing afterwards! In the nicest possible way get back to teaching your ds that life isn’t all about achievements, it’s about positivity, fun, helping people. (I think we give those lessons when they’re younger and forget to top them up when they really need them x) Comparison is honestly the thief of joy. Huge hugs to you both though, sometimes life can feel like it’s a tough slog. Movie night or games night tonight op and have a laugh x

BCC are really good alevels. 3Es got me into teacher training college specialising in my main subject as the main degree with certificate from the uni that rejected me for just the subject on its own. Teacher training college was affiliated to the uni so our degrees came from the uni!!

Would she up to up to working in a school as a teaching assistant or a special school as the equivalent? She might find she has a natural talent for caring for people or helping people who have disabilities? There’s also agencies which supply PAs for disabled adults. Maybe your local library - ours offers apprenticeships and the library assistants do the usual book filing but they also run sessions with children and adults.

I’m not dissing supermarket or retail work. I’ve done it. It can be good if you want a routine of doing the same thing, if you’re happy to lug heavy cages of goods about etc.

Some people so seem to have things stacked against them. I’m a divorced single parent with one autistic child and one suspected adhd. My kids do ok. They’re not at exam stage yet and I really don’t know how they will pan out. They both have the potential to do really well academically but also go the other way. I’m encouraging them to follow their interests. One has had the same specific interests for years, the other chops and changes but has a while to figure out preferences.

I work part time and claim top up. My DS married someone who earns really well, works in a job she loves but because she wants to not because they need the money and has one child who seems to also be doing well.

I did ok in my GCSE despite not doing well in my a levels. I went to uni to study my interest alongside teacher training but at the time didn’t particularly know what I wanted to be. The degree alongside teacher training gave me options. I’ve taught, have it up and tried other things, gone back to it to lay the bills whilst studying for what I have figured out as the career I actually want. I’m nearly 50!! I feel like I’m just following the scenic route rather than the direct route in life.

Unless it is the OU which your DD can do from home then at the moment university is not for her. If your DD thinks the OU is a good idea then she should also at least look at volunteering either in a charity shop or with a youth group. I know you said DD doesn’t like nursery age children and neither did I at 18 but I managed fine with children aged 7 plus. Retail may be looked down on by some on here but is a necessary job and it might help build her confidence. Supermarkets in particular are very good at helping people with things like dyslexia, dyspraxia etc into the workplace and helping them feel they are contributing. Your daughter will find her way.

And not to throw water on her one plan, but is a Media Studies degree really worth the £30k debt and 3 years of her life?

Dog walker! My daughter was very similar. Loved animals. We got a dog. Read every book going and off she went. Going to puppy classes is the quickest way to learn how they tick.
Flyers through loads of doors. On shop notice boards. She started small but word passed quickly. She could offer to dog sit in someone’s house whilst they’re away on holiday or have them at yours. Dogs trust quickly and if she already walks them then the dog will feel safe.
I leave my dogs with my dog walker if I’m away for a night or two.
Itll bring her out her shell and as confidence builds she can learn to drive, get a wee van with logo on the side. Getting your logo embroidered on clothes isn’t very expensive. I used to drive for my daughter at the beginning. She can even have the name of my daughter’s company name as she’s off to Uni now. Late bloomer. 30 this month.
Id normally suggest standing outside a supermarket to ask people if they would use the service. Take their details if they say yes but that’s a big ask.
Either way good luck with everything. xx

Sounds like a lucky escape. Is a qualification in 'Media. film studies and cultural studies' really worth a stonking great student debt?

Also sounds like YOU'RE judging her pretty harshly.

And it's time to let go of all those 'diagnoses' now. They've done their job. They're not much use in the real world. They make you think you CAN'T do things.

Meh, she will be fine i.e dyslexia and dysprexia its the confidence thing thats gonna mess with her more than anything.

I have dyslexia (had a word processor in school it was that bad) and dyspraxia and left handed which is a fun combo.

The dyslexia is something she can work on by getting into reading I started with the harry potter books I was 11 when the first one came out it took me months to read 300 pages by the time book 7 came out i devoured the whole thing 700+ pages in a day.

Dyslexia is just letters being reveresed and misinterpreted by the brain its all about pattern recognition expose the brain to the same messed up word enough and have the brain correct it enough times and it becomes automatic. Its one of the hardest things to stick with when it takes forver to get through one page but so worth it.

Dyspraxia no way around it she will be clumsy for the rest of her life and will suck at driving probably. Maybe see if she would be up for tai chi classes if there is any nearby or do it together in the living room with a youtube video it will help with mitigate some balance issues.

As for not being talented never met someone who wasnt talented in some regard how is she with gaming, or computers she may not have people skills but maybe she is a person who is more interested in things see if she can get an office job even part time over the supermarket retail kills the souls of even the most extroverted people look for something like data entry or similar in a bigger firm paying minimum wage who will love to hire a dyslexic person to tick those inclusivity boxes thats how I got my first job and they will bend over backward to accomodate her over a small business owner.

As for being jealous its natural to want the best for your daughter and your family be candid with your daughter tell her you want her to be better than you and want her to find her niche in life whatever it is and that she is going to need to challenge herself in order to succeed at that niche but she will always have a place at home in the meantime and your support.

Your poor daughter - her mother commenting on her appearance and lamenting that she's not as beautiful as her cousin. No wonder she has issues!