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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this black eye was not an accident? Warning pic of black eye

203 replies

LittleLostCookie · 30/08/2023 12:43

Sorry I do have this post in SN chat (originally wasn’t keen on AIBU) but will get Mumsnet to delete as I’m desperately awaiting a reply to get some thoughts/opinions on this.

DS is 9 and has asd and is non verbal. He has been going to his dad for about 1/3 of the school holidays and ex h has a new partner who has 2 teenage boys. DS came home yesterday morning with a pretty sore eye and I instantly asked ex h what had happened and he very much brushed it off (he never texted me to tell me about any sort of injury or incident) saying well he was playing with the older boys wasn’t he. DS never “plays” with other children, especially older ones. He gets on best with babies at a push. I asked ex H when have we ever seen him play with other kids and he claims how he’s taken to them and I just can’t believe that I know my son and just know he isn’t going to be playing doesn’t matter how much he likes them and I asked what they were playing and he said oh it was with a ball and he got hit and I asked if he saw it and he said no and I’m also not believing this because ds always has his ball and will have a meltdown if someone is taking it/playing with it. There’s no way he has willingly played ball with some teenage boys and I can’t believe ex H thinks I’m that stupid.

He’s come at me with the “I’m his dad and he was in my care and I’m telling you that’s what happened” and I just don’t believe it. He’s my only child and I must admit, I don’t know too much about kids his age but is this even an injury that happens from some harmless playing IF that even happened, which I don’t believe for one second did…

I’m really angry but don’t know what I can do. Sorry for the drawn on picture didn’t want to have a zoom in and make it super blurry. So AIBU to think this definitely didn’t happen in the way ex H claims?

OP posts:
CiderJolly · 30/08/2023 14:28

I would go to a&e to get it on record and also to make sure that it’s just a bruise and nothing fractured.

MeridianB · 30/08/2023 14:29

Oh and good advice from others on a GP visit to record this and get poor DS checked. Esp ahead of school.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/08/2023 14:31

🥹

Medusaismyhero · 30/08/2023 14:33

I suspect you don't trust your ex OP. Go with your gut here but be aware black eyes can result from all kinds of indirect trauma. I had two black eyes from a dog bite above my eyebrow once. More recently, I fell and banged my forehead and again, two black eyes.

I'm an easy bruiser though so if you've not noticed your son to bruise easily, this may be less likely. Definitely take him to a medical professional though. This needs to be documented.

Flakey99 · 30/08/2023 14:34

Definitely get him looked at by a GP or A&E medic and have it recorded.

This might be a one off accident as the dad says, but equally, it might be the start of something with the teenage kids picking on him. You just don’t know at this stage.

By recording it, it might become a pattern of evidence with other injuries occurring when he’s visiting his dad. Hopefully not, but as his dad was downplaying it and saying he didn’t see what happened, I’d want to be sure that the visits are in your son’s best interests and would stay vigilant.

I can’t quite believe that so many posters would rather do nothing even when they can see evidence of physical harm to a child. I find that deeply shocking to be honest.

OP, Hope he’s ok and not in any pain?

PinkPlantCase · 30/08/2023 14:34

I would go the GP too. This needs to be recorded formally.

I wouldn’t go to A&E though, you’d have a very very long wait. Maybe minor injuries at a push if you can’t get into the GP.

Qwerty21 · 30/08/2023 14:35

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 30/08/2023 12:55

Maybe a trip to A&E. You want it on record it didn't happen whilst in your care imo. Especially if your ds is non verbal.. Hospital record will be there incase you need proof at a later date.

A trip to a and e for a black eye?!

Qwerty21 · 30/08/2023 14:36

Genuine question but how does a black eye caused intentionally look different to w black eye caused accidently? The outcome (black eye) is the same regardless of intention surely

Teaandbiscuits1234 · 30/08/2023 14:37

i appreciate it may be really hard to get it out of DS but could you maybe use visual symbols/ social stories to try and support him to tell you?

Ripleysgameface · 30/08/2023 14:37

Mum of 4 boys here who all play football.

I can say definitely that you can get a black eye like that from being hit in the face with a football but it would have to be a pretty hard kick directly (or accidental stray ball) to cause it.

If the older boys were having a kick about and it hit your son that could be the cause.

It sounds like your ex is being a bit sketchy and you need more information but that kind of injury can absolutely come from a football.

Frabbits · 30/08/2023 14:37

For what it's worth, I got hit in the eye/nose by a tennis ball and it looked way worse that that. It doesn't take very much for eyes to look pretty nasty.

But the fact is no stranger is going to be able to tell how it happened, you have to either trust your ex or not.

Flakey99 · 30/08/2023 14:38

Qwerty21 · 30/08/2023 14:35

A trip to a and e for a black eye?!

Show quote history

Yes, of course.

Head injuries can be very serious in a minority of cases and especially as the mum doesn’t know what happened and her DS can’t tell her.

PinkPlantCase · 30/08/2023 14:39

Qwerty21 · 30/08/2023 14:36

Genuine question but how does a black eye caused intentionally look different to w black eye caused accidently? The outcome (black eye) is the same regardless of intention surely

I’m not sure it does look different. But in OPs case getting it documented and seeing if it forms part of a pattern of behaviour is important.

Eg. Does her DS have often have a lot of ‘accidents’ when playing at his dads house.

Bramblecrumble22 · 30/08/2023 14:41

Medics aren't going to tell if it's accidentally or not.

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 30/08/2023 14:42

OP please ignore posters telling you they 'definitely' know what happened and what caused it. They don't.

littlebopeepp234 · 30/08/2023 14:42

PinkPlantCase · 30/08/2023 14:34

I would go the GP too. This needs to be recorded formally.

I wouldn’t go to A&E though, you’d have a very very long wait. Maybe minor injuries at a push if you can’t get into the GP.

A GP can’t actually do anything though apart from make a referral to ss. They don’t have any way of establishing what caused the injury and neither do they have the equipment or knowledge to do so. A qualified paediatrician at a hospital would know a lot more. Yes by all means see the GP if you’re worried that the injury is causing discomfort and you may be prescribed pain relief and referred on to ss but I do think the best option would be A&E while the injury is fresh

Frabbits · 30/08/2023 14:43

Go to your gp, not A&E unless there are other symptoms at play here. It's literally bruising, that's all.

Going to A&E for just a black eye is a huge waste of time and resources, and the idea that anyone who didn't actually witness the accident could somehow tell how it happened is patently ridiculous.

littlebopeepp234 · 30/08/2023 14:45

Qwerty21 · 30/08/2023 14:36

Genuine question but how does a black eye caused intentionally look different to w black eye caused accidently? The outcome (black eye) is the same regardless of intention surely

I have had safeguarding training a while ago now and there are ways of differentiating accidental bruising to intentional bruising. Something to do with the pattern formation of the bruising. The bruising appears to have a different appearance of accidental. I’m not sure why but people who work in this sort of field would definitely be able to determine a likely cause of injury or at least of it was accidental or not

Anonymouseposter · 30/08/2023 14:46

I can see why you're concerned but you can't really be sure whether this was caused accidentally or not. I once had a black eye which looked like I had been punched and I know people were suspicious about it. It actually happened when we were running to get into the car when it started pouring down. My husband flung the passenger door open for me just as I bent down to open it myself. Unless your son tells you all you can do is keep alert and try to keep the best communication you can with his Dad.

Ripleysgameface · 30/08/2023 14:47

@ICanBuyMyOwnBooks

OP asked if you can get a black eye like that from a ball as she didn't know and you can in fact.
No one said they know exactly what happened...

TropicalTrama · 30/08/2023 14:50

Since he’s non verbal so can’t describe other symptoms and you don’t know how the injury occurred I think it would be wise to go to A&E. None of us can tell you what happened but FWIW I had a similar injury when I was 16 after a friend who is rather enthusiastic with his dance moves (still is at 35!) knocked me over into a sofa and it was one of those ones with a wooden frame and I caught my eye socket on it. Didn’t even really hurt at the time but a full on black eye came up later.

VintageBlossomHill · 30/08/2023 14:51

How worrying. I’d be so upset if I didn’t fully understand what happened.

Do you know the new partner/are you on reasonable terms? Does she seem like a reasonable person?As your ex can’t explain it/wasn’t present I’d be asking her / her boys to fill me on the details in a non accusatory way. Hopefully they’d be able to fill in the gaps and put your mind at rest. I’d completely understand any mum asking for the details of any accident involving their kids especially if your wee man can’t communicate these.

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 30/08/2023 14:51

Ripleysgameface · 30/08/2023 14:47

@ICanBuyMyOwnBooks

OP asked if you can get a black eye like that from a ball as she didn't know and you can in fact.
No one said they know exactly what happened...

You obviously haven't read the full thread. There are posters telling OP they know what caused it and what she should do to separate her DS from the other DCs. I'm a bit bemused why you would correct me without taking the time to read the thread first.

Channellingsophistication · 30/08/2023 14:53

Poor boy that looks sore.

As others have said its impossible to know the cause of the blackeye but perhaps get it checked out at hospital to make sure he’s ok and so it’s on record that it happened while in his dads care…

Perhaps monitor the situation - but I would always trust your instincts.

Wendysfriend · 30/08/2023 14:54

Aww poor child. It's hard to know what caused it but if your gut tells you otherwise I'd get it checked out. Mine got black eyed from all sorts of sports and kids messing, I did bring one to the GP as he was in pain and I was told to bring him for an x ray, turned out there was damage to the socket and behind the eye. Hospital had said to always get a badly bruised eye x rayed.

As your child is non verbal I'd definitely get it seen to, I've a non verbal dd and we have to guess when she's in pain.

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