Page 8 | To think this black eye was not an accident? Warning pic of black eye

LittleLostCookie · 2023-08-30T11:43:19+00:00

Sorry I do have this post in SN chat (originally wasn’t keen on AIBU) but will get Mumsnet to delete as I’m desperately awaiting a reply to get some thoughts/opinions on this. DS is 9 and has asd and is non verbal. He has been going to his dad for about 1/3 of the school holidays and ex h has a new partner who has 2 teenage boys. DS came home yesterday morning with a pretty sore eye and I instantly asked ex h what had happened and he very much brushed it off (he never texted me to tell me about any sort of injury or incident) saying well he was playing with the older boys wasn’t he. DS never “plays” with other children, especially older ones. He gets on best with babies at a push. I asked ex H when have we ever seen him play with other kids and he claims how he’s taken to them and I just can’t believe that I know my son and just know he isn’t going to be playing doesn’t matter how much he likes them and I asked what they were playing and he said oh it was with a ball and he got hit and I asked if he saw it and he said no and I’m also not believing this because ds always has his ball and will have a meltdown if someone is taking it/playing with it. There’s no way he has willingly played ball with some teenage boys and I can’t believe ex H thinks I’m that stupid. He’s come at me with the “I’m his dad and he was in my care and I’m telling you that’s what happened” and I just don’t believe it. He’s my only child and I must admit, I don’t know too much about kids his age but is this even an injury that happens from some harmless playing IF that even happened, which I don’t believe for one second did… I’m really angry but don’t know what I can do. Sorry for the drawn on picture didn’t want to have a zoom in and make it super blurry. So AIBU to think this definitely didn’t happen in the way ex H claims?

nicolegarnica · 30/08/2023 17:54

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truthhurts23 · 30/08/2023 18:02

why would they be throwing the ball that hard at a child who has additional needs, and direct it at his face, that is rarely an accident
they sound like bullys
and your ex is pathetic for favouring his stepsons over his own blood, he sounds like a narcissist
i would stop all visits, im sure your ex and his new family will be glad

Sweetpea1532 · 30/08/2023 18:08

Oh@LittleLostCookie I'm so sorry this has happened to your precious ( the American English definition....meaning beloved ) little boy and that he can't tell you what has happened to him...

It appears, from your photo, he has an abrasion on the outer crest of his eye socket so then the bruising came from that, not a direct hit from a ball. ( just my amateur opinion) maybe from a fall?

I definitely would get it logged with his GP for future reference since he was in his father's care and supposedly 'playing' with older boys.

It doesn't seem appropriate for you not to have met these older boys and their mother...Surely, the authorities would honour your request to know whom your non-verbal child is spending unsupervised time around. They may be lovely boys and have a good relationship with DS (although highly unlikely since they've said such mean things about him) or find him a bother and mistreat him. Does he normally get upset if he is treated badly?

At this point, it really doesn't matter how he got injured as much as it matters that in the future he's being kept safe and better supervised at his father's house.
Another reason to have the injury logged is so that his father and those boys realise you are aware and that they all need to try harder to keep the little guy from harm.
Accidents happen of course, so let's hope this 'accident' is a one off.

Mojoj · 30/08/2023 18:11

It looks like a ball to the face. Must have been thrown or kicked at his face pretty hard going by the size of the bruise.

Jellycatspyjamas · 30/08/2023 18:12

It doesn't seem appropriate for you not to have met these older boys and their mother...Surely, the authorities would honour your request to know whom your non-verbal child is spending unsupervised time around.

The child is in the care of his father, who has parental responsibility for him. There would be no legal basis for authorities to intervene or to try to mandate the OP meets anyone her child is in contact with while under the care of his father.

Sugarfree23 · 30/08/2023 18:26

@LittleLostCookie
Your assuming they only have your DS balls.
My guess would be a house with multiple boys would also have multiple footballs / tennis balls etc.

You can't determine that they were all in the garden at the same time and your boy was hit.

TBH it's far more likely he got in the way of a stray ball than for him to have been punched. A punch is probably more likely to split the skin

EinyLinky · 30/08/2023 18:27

Sugarfree23 · 30/08/2023 18:26

@LittleLostCookie
Your assuming they only have your DS balls.
My guess would be a house with multiple boys would also have multiple footballs / tennis balls etc.

You can't determine that they were all in the garden at the same time and your boy was hit.

TBH it's far more likely he got in the way of a stray ball than for him to have been punched. A punch is probably more likely to split the skin

Tbf she said her ex H said it was one of his balls she sent him with though?

EinyLinky · 30/08/2023 18:31

Sugarfree23 · 30/08/2023 18:26

@LittleLostCookie
Your assuming they only have your DS balls.
My guess would be a house with multiple boys would also have multiple footballs / tennis balls etc.

You can't determine that they were all in the garden at the same time and your boy was hit.

TBH it's far more likely he got in the way of a stray ball than for him to have been punched. A punch is probably more likely to split the skin

And they hardly sound like nice kids saying he is annoying and gets in the way, wouldn't be too surprising if they were knowingly being not very careful with a ball around him. Why does his dad not even know what happened? Surely he'd have asked those boys very specifically? It's just odd

Reugny · 30/08/2023 19:59

truthhurts23 · 30/08/2023 18:02

why would they be throwing the ball that hard at a child who has additional needs, and direct it at his face, that is rarely an accident
they sound like bullys
and your ex is pathetic for favouring his stepsons over his own blood, he sounds like a narcissist
i would stop all visits, im sure your ex and his new family will be glad

We don't know if it wasn't the OP's ex.

From OP's update it appears her son's father has a massive issue with his own son.

The teen boys themselves are completely unknown. The father is the one stating that these boys are saying his son is a pain etc.

So the OP's son may have taken a shine to one of them and simply be following him around, while his own father has decided his son is a pain etc.

They could have then been playing football/other game and one of them - that includes the boy's own father - could have kicked/thrown the ball at the boy's face.

BTW children with ASD can take a shine to individual people.

Reugny · 30/08/2023 20:00

EinyLinky · 30/08/2023 18:27

Tbf she said her ex H said it was one of his balls she sent him with though?

Show quote history

Who knows?

The fact he wasn't open about the child being hit in the face means no-one knows what ball it was for certain.

EinyLinky · 30/08/2023 20:02

@Reugny so why would he specifically say it was one of his balls then? Kinda like he knows those were the only balls there? Bit weird to think you know more than the info we are provided

eatdrinkandbemerry · 30/08/2023 20:26

All behaviour is communication so see how he reacts when he next needs to go to his dads.
My own asd son can't communicate but he would show anxiety or refusal for sure if he was purposely injured at his dads house x

Icouldabeenalawyer · 30/08/2023 20:33

Poor little love 😔 Agree with pp, his dad should've brought it up, the fact that he didn't would also fuel doubts in my mind about the story. Additional needs or not, that is bizarre.
Your son is vulnerable & his dad is well aware that he needs additional care. Whilst accidents do happen, the story & him not saying anything just seems so odd & I understand your doubts.
Glad to see you are taking him to the GP & certainly voice your concerns to them. Hope he's okay, brave little boy x

Ohthatsabitshit · 30/08/2023 20:46

@LittleLostCookie if he only bounces them and doesn’t play catch then someone has thrown it at his face hard. He can’t go back there and you need to speak to the GP honestly about your fears and if that doesn’t work ask school for support. It seems very unlikely it was an accident as described.

truthhurts23 · 30/08/2023 20:53

Reugny · 30/08/2023 19:59

We don't know if it wasn't the OP's ex.

From OP's update it appears her son's father has a massive issue with his own son.

The teen boys themselves are completely unknown. The father is the one stating that these boys are saying his son is a pain etc.

So the OP's son may have taken a shine to one of them and simply be following him around, while his own father has decided his son is a pain etc.

They could have then been playing football/other game and one of them - that includes the boy's own father - could have kicked/thrown the ball at the boy's face.

BTW children with ASD can take a shine to individual people.

Show quote history

That is possible, but to me it seems more likely that its the boys being bullys rather than the dad doing it and then lying about what happened
and maybe OP's ex is just turning a blind eye to the step sons mean streak and making excuses for them because he seems to not like his own son

BTW children with ASD can take a shine to individual people.
my dd has ASD too and she is known to do this,
she has fixated on children in her class before, because she has taken a liking to them and its not always received well
she might come across as "annoying", she actually has been punched by a bigger child before inside of a soft play, and she couldn't tell us who did it

that is why monitoring kids with ASD is important,
when I take her out im always close by and ready to step in if there is conflict because she cant communicate effectively enough to handle conflicts
and other kids just see her as the "weird" girl and some kids can be quite mean because of that

TrishM80 · 30/08/2023 21:12

Nasty looking shiner, hope it recovers soon.

Unfortunately, impossible to know if your ex is lying or not. All you can do is tell him if your son comes back with any more "accidents" from his place you'll be calling the police. It might get his attention.

Diamondsareforeverandever · 30/08/2023 21:16

Go to GP and ring local children's services and make a referral yourself in relation to your concerns.

Ifallelsefailschocolate · 30/08/2023 22:07

It could be an accidental knock in the eye and it also could be a punch I had a fall in my twenties, and got a black eye. I think my friends thought it wasn’t an accident though as it was badly bruised.

My son fell from furniture trying to climb up to catch a helium balloon, and the black eye was very dark and bruised. When he went to music practice I was glared at by his teacher.

VintageBlossomHill · 30/08/2023 22:50

LittleLostCookie · 30/08/2023 17:14

Sorry for such a delay, been a busy day.

it is reassuring to see so many people have had similar from regular accidents I’m just worried for DS and the whole thing is very odd to me.

I’ve never been allowed to meet his new partner/the children because it “doesn’t matter if I like them or not” and I’ve said that it’s true but obviously I care who my son is around especially as he is very vulnerable and he said as his dad he is capable of assessing what he sees fit.

I’m not so sure as clearly he isn’t keeping an eye on him and DS should absolutely be being supervised and I am simply not sure how the scenario even happen. I get it’s an easy injury from a ball but I don’t get HOW it’s happened. DS goes to his dads with 3 balls and he decides which he prefers for the day (DH said it was one of the balls I sent with him when I originally pushed about what it was that had hit him) and one is a tennis type ball but I don’t get why the older boys would have even been playing with DS’s stuff. DS definitely wouldn’t have had that and I get people mean well when they say he could have been playing with the older boys. There’s no way he was “playing” to the degree that would have resulted in a ball to the face. What sort of game would have had to have been taking place? The most simplest being catch maybe? DS LOVES his balls but he only bounces them. It’s just odd to me especially as he never told me and seems so unbothered by what happened.

ex h has made plenty of comments in the past about how “DS gets in the way” “DS annoys them” I’ve had to have DS on days ex h should have had him just so they could do things with the older boys without DS “getting in the way”: These other boys are clearly what ex h really wanted when he had a child. He’s always been unhappy with us having a child with additional needs and it’s a huge reason our marriage broke down.

I don’t know the older kids so I can’t comment on how they are but based on them finding him annoying and being in the way, it’s hardly sounding like they’re full of compassion.

I’m just so sad for my boy and thank you, I will definitely take him to the GP , will call in the morning

This is very worrying. Your ex sounds like a nasty pr**k as do the stepsons and I wouldn’t be allowing my son to go there again. I don’t think your ex would be too bothered.

Purpleboat · 31/08/2023 11:24

How have you got on with the GP @LittleLostCookie? Hope your boy is doing a little better today 💐

Original poster

LittleLostCookie · 31/08/2023 17:21

Purpleboat · 31/08/2023 11:24

How have you got on with the GP @LittleLostCookie? Hope your boy is doing a little better today 💐

Thank you for asking, I did call them this morning but they said it was already too late in the morning for an appointment… so sadly he hasn’t been checked yet but he does seem ok which is the main thing it’s just hard especially when they’re non verbal and he tolerates pain extremely well too but I think because there’s been a bit of time from the injury, I at least know physically he is on the mend I think.

sad about the situation still and as much as a lot of people said here they think it was most likely an accident and I did ask for opinions, it’s just hard for me to see it in that light.

and to the poster that said about ex H probably being happy DS doesn’t go to him in the future, I honestly think you’re probably right and he would LOVE me to take that away from him but the thing is he has also said how he “has no choice as it is his son at the end of the day” regardless of how he actually feels about it but I do reckon he would love to not be the one making that decision hence I’m not keen to really give him what he wants but know my son doesn’t need to be used in that way either. I also think he hints at me just getting so fed up with his attitude that I do say don’t bother. Hence the continuous “he gets in the way” and “annoying” comments and then it makes me laugh he says the boys were playing when he has said before how it’s difficult to entertain all 3 as DS isn’t “the same” well no shit

OP posts:

Beelezebub · 31/08/2023 18:56

LittleLostCookie · 31/08/2023 17:21

Thank you for asking, I did call them this morning but they said it was already too late in the morning for an appointment… so sadly he hasn’t been checked yet but he does seem ok which is the main thing it’s just hard especially when they’re non verbal and he tolerates pain extremely well too but I think because there’s been a bit of time from the injury, I at least know physically he is on the mend I think.

sad about the situation still and as much as a lot of people said here they think it was most likely an accident and I did ask for opinions, it’s just hard for me to see it in that light.

and to the poster that said about ex H probably being happy DS doesn’t go to him in the future, I honestly think you’re probably right and he would LOVE me to take that away from him but the thing is he has also said how he “has no choice as it is his son at the end of the day” regardless of how he actually feels about it but I do reckon he would love to not be the one making that decision hence I’m not keen to really give him what he wants but know my son doesn’t need to be used in that way either. I also think he hints at me just getting so fed up with his attitude that I do say don’t bother. Hence the continuous “he gets in the way” and “annoying” comments and then it makes me laugh he says the boys were playing when he has said before how it’s difficult to entertain all 3 as DS isn’t “the same” well no shit

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I understand all of that, but I wonder why not ‘giving in’ (for lack of s better term) to your ex husband is the priority? If you think he just doesn’t want to make the decision and everything he says indicates that he doesn’t want your son there, make the decision yourself. Provided he won’t go through the courts of course.

Ohthatsabitshit · 31/08/2023 19:30

Based on what you’ve said here it’s not a suitable place for your child to spend time.

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 31/08/2023 19:52

Is it usual for your GP to refuse to see your DS when he is non-verbal and has had a head injury? I realise you're caught up in the issue of your DH and the other boys, but seeing the GP wasn't just to have a paper trail. It was because you don't know how the injury happened so can't ascertain how serious it is. A black eye can be a sign of a more serious injury.

littlebopeepp234 · 31/08/2023 21:34

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 31/08/2023 19:52

Is it usual for your GP to refuse to see your DS when he is non-verbal and has had a head injury? I realise you're caught up in the issue of your DH and the other boys, but seeing the GP wasn't just to have a paper trail. It was because you don't know how the injury happened so can't ascertain how serious it is. A black eye can be a sign of a more serious injury.

A GP would advise A&E due to it being a head injury. There is not a lot a GP can do, they don’t have the equipment to do the necessary checks. All a GP can do is admit/ refer on to hospital and SS and possibly prescribe pain relief