Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this black eye was not an accident? Warning pic of black eye

203 replies

LittleLostCookie · 30/08/2023 12:43

Sorry I do have this post in SN chat (originally wasn’t keen on AIBU) but will get Mumsnet to delete as I’m desperately awaiting a reply to get some thoughts/opinions on this.

DS is 9 and has asd and is non verbal. He has been going to his dad for about 1/3 of the school holidays and ex h has a new partner who has 2 teenage boys. DS came home yesterday morning with a pretty sore eye and I instantly asked ex h what had happened and he very much brushed it off (he never texted me to tell me about any sort of injury or incident) saying well he was playing with the older boys wasn’t he. DS never “plays” with other children, especially older ones. He gets on best with babies at a push. I asked ex H when have we ever seen him play with other kids and he claims how he’s taken to them and I just can’t believe that I know my son and just know he isn’t going to be playing doesn’t matter how much he likes them and I asked what they were playing and he said oh it was with a ball and he got hit and I asked if he saw it and he said no and I’m also not believing this because ds always has his ball and will have a meltdown if someone is taking it/playing with it. There’s no way he has willingly played ball with some teenage boys and I can’t believe ex H thinks I’m that stupid.

He’s come at me with the “I’m his dad and he was in my care and I’m telling you that’s what happened” and I just don’t believe it. He’s my only child and I must admit, I don’t know too much about kids his age but is this even an injury that happens from some harmless playing IF that even happened, which I don’t believe for one second did…

I’m really angry but don’t know what I can do. Sorry for the drawn on picture didn’t want to have a zoom in and make it super blurry. So AIBU to think this definitely didn’t happen in the way ex H claims?

OP posts:
WhatapityWapiti · 30/08/2023 13:28

I think that the issue here is the lack of engagement from your DH. A caring parent would have immediately comforted your DS when it happened and would have spoken to the teenagers to find out exactly what happened (not necessarily blaming them). Then when dropping DS back he would have led with “here he is, what a shiner he’s got…and then told the whole story. Not waited for you to ask!

YouLetDougalDoAFuneral · 30/08/2023 13:29

As others have said, this could absolutely be accidental, but if you are uncomfortable with how it was communicated/have doubts then those are also valid feelings.

I've seen black eyes like this from cricket and a particularly vicious swing all match, and I've seen a far worse looking one from an accidental knee to the face on a bouncy castle.

That's just to reassure you that it isn't 100% certain a lie from him, not to say you are being unfair in questioning it!

user1483387154 · 30/08/2023 13:29

This is definitely something to be very worried about, i wish i could give advice,
thank you for being someone who really loves and cares for their child and will do anything to protect them

Monster80 · 30/08/2023 13:30

Can you draw a picture of someone being punched in the face and request a yes or no? Or would that not work?

BarnacleBeasley · 30/08/2023 13:30

I agree it sounds dodgy from exH's reaction. However, I have had a black eye like that before from falling over and hitting my head on the road, so it's definitely possible it was an accident, even if not plausible.

Sugarfree23 · 30/08/2023 13:30

@PuddlesPityParty I'm glad I'm not the only person to have had nerve damage from a black eye. It is the weirdest thing, I started to feel it about a week after the injury.
I swear the GP didn't believe me it was the result of an accident.

Ffsjustltb · 30/08/2023 13:31

Sorry you are worried. Obviously we can't know what's happened. I have attached a photo of my black eye which I got simply from falling over. I was on my own and landed on a hard floor. Literally nobody believed me that I hadn't been punched.
Eyes do bruise quite badly. And it wasn't nearly as painful as it looked.

Sensitive content
To think this black eye was not an accident? Warning pic of black eye
Mygosh · 30/08/2023 13:31

Poor lad, that looks very sore. Are you able to talk to your ex's partner/her children?

truthhurts23 · 30/08/2023 13:31

is it possible they are bullying or "playing" too rough with him ?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/08/2023 13:31

Having lived for years with two teenage sons lobbing rugby, tennis and cricket balls inside and outside the house, it might not have been his ball.

BabyIcecream · 30/08/2023 13:32

I think that sort of black eye could definitely happen accidentally from being hit by a ball.

However given the circumstances you've described it doesn't seem that likely. Trust your instincts OP

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 30/08/2023 13:33

I've had a black eye like that from twatting myself in the face with a car door. Not suggesting that's exactly what happened but definitely something that could have been from an accident.

I always thought the "I walked into a door" trope was ridiculous until I did it myself!

ChocolateCinderToffee · 30/08/2023 13:35

Your ex’s attitude is the issue for me, acting as though it doesn’t matter, or trying to gaslight you into thinking it doesn’t matter.

Iliketulips · 30/08/2023 13:35

I would definitely get him checked over by GP or A&E. First, to see if there's any advice on making it more comfortable for him. Secondly, they are going to ask questions and you can get a feel for what they think. I assume your DB is in education and will be back at school/with support staff next week. If it's not addressed now, then there may be questions asked next week, so better to be able to say you've had him checked if nothing else (as in it shows care, which you DH hasn't done).

AbsoluteYawns · 30/08/2023 13:35

That looks awful OP I'm so sorry for you and your son.

xyz111 · 30/08/2023 13:36

Oh bless him. I'm so sorry this has happened Op. I know ASD children have to go through so much more than NT children anyway, so I would be just as angry and upset.

I think it's a red flag that your ex is trying to hide something, rather than being truthful about what happened. Accidents happen and he should be honest if it was. I know communication is hard with your DS, however if he shows he's scared to go back there, then I wouldn't be sending him there unless the other children aren't there.

RudsyFarmer · 30/08/2023 13:37

I think the only thing you can do is start to document it. Keep a book with photos and times/dates. What you were told, anything you noticed and then leave it alone. If you start to see a pattern of behaviour, regular injuries, he starts to show fear where he didn’t before then I would be approaching the relevant authority to try and make contact with his father supervised.

CarPour · 30/08/2023 13:37

No one can tell you what caused the injury. I see children with black eyes like this caused by balls, falling off play equipemt/bikes/scooters. Running into people's elbows etc.

However to me it does look more like ball than punch. Firstly it's quite a small amount of bruising, mostly on the actual eye. Punches tend to be more the side of the face, and also more swollen. Its not often you would get a punch directly to the eye lid. It would have to be quite a small fist, and then a small fist would be less likely to cause damage.

Realistically there's nothing to indicate he has been punched. Your DH says ball, he's not acting scared of the potential puncher. He has some bruising that's perfectly consistent with an I jury sustained through play

my82my · 30/08/2023 13:39

My son has had a black eye like that.. he run into a door knob. Do you trust your ex as a parent, and do you have a good relationship with him and his partner?
You know him and if you don't trust that your son is safe in his care then listen to your gut.

Devilsmommy · 30/08/2023 13:39

LittleLostCookie · 30/08/2023 12:52

That’s exactly why I added the picture because I feel accidental black eyes just don’t look that bad

Show quote history

Your poor son has definitely been punched in the eye and your twat exh is obviously covering for new partners kids. If it was me, I'd be telling the ex that you don't want those kids around your son as with his sn he is much more vulnerable. Obviously the ex knows he was punched and that's why he never told you when it happened. Really hope you can get it sorted as I'd be so worried sending him there again

gamerchick · 30/08/2023 13:39

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 30/08/2023 12:55

Maybe a trip to A&E. You want it on record it didn't happen whilst in your care imo. Especially if your ds is non verbal.. Hospital record will be there incase you need proof at a later date.

Was going to suggest similar. I think I'd want it looked t, it looks sore and he can't tell you how it feels. I'd want a record that it didn't happen in your care.

I don't think I'd feel comfortable with overnights if things get so boisterous that he gets injured by teenage boys and nothing is said by dad.

andrainwillmaketheflowersgrow · 30/08/2023 13:39

As everyone has said, there's absolutely no way of telling whether that happened accidentally or on purpose.

My most impressive black eye was done whacking my head on a car door.

Ghostjail · 30/08/2023 13:40

I think that you should ALWAYS err on the side of caution particularly with a non-verbal child.

Take him for a check up. He could have other injuries from the impact that you can not see and that he can not tell you about. So my first port of call would be a trip to the GP or Minor Injuries. Given your circumstances, they may decide to contact social services or suggest that you do.

Septemberdaysarehere · 30/08/2023 13:43

Trip to the GP ask an urgent appointment for safeguarding and explain and get it documented . I wouldn’t send him again and state that you haven’t had a full explanation and it is a high concern given his SEN status and being non verbal - send him a picture of the injury and say you want a full accounted for explanation.

I have a very clumsy 10 year old and he has never had an injury like that - it’s what I would class as atypical - hit in the eye will a ball ? What first aid did he do? Why didn’t he take him to the hospital etc

ask questions via text and take his answers to the GP

bluedomino · 30/08/2023 13:44

Can you go to exH house and ask the boys directly what happened? They may be shocked at how bruised his eye now is and tell you the truth. I think you do need it documented by GP in case this turns out to be the first in series of "accidents". Does ex live with these teenage boys now? Or is it possible for your son to only visit when they are not there.

Swipe left for the next trending thread