To think this black eye was not an accident? Warning pic of black eye

[LittleLostCookie]

Sorry I do have this post in SN chat (originally wasn’t keen on AIBU) but will get Mumsnet to delete as I’m desperately awaiting a reply to get some thoughts/opinions on this.

DS is 9 and has asd and is non verbal. He has been going to his dad for about 1/3 of the school holidays and ex h has a new partner who has 2 teenage boys. DS came home yesterday morning with a pretty sore eye and I instantly asked ex h what had happened and he very much brushed it off (he never texted me to tell me about any sort of injury or incident) saying well he was playing with the older boys wasn’t he. DS never “plays” with other children, especially older ones. He gets on best with babies at a push. I asked ex H when have we ever seen him play with other kids and he claims how he’s taken to them and I just can’t believe that I know my son and just know he isn’t going to be playing doesn’t matter how much he likes them and I asked what they were playing and he said oh it was with a ball and he got hit and I asked if he saw it and he said no and I’m also not believing this because ds always has his ball and will have a meltdown if someone is taking it/playing with it. There’s no way he has willingly played ball with some teenage boys and I can’t believe ex H thinks I’m that stupid.

He’s come at me with the “I’m his dad and he was in my care and I’m telling you that’s what happened” and I just don’t believe it. He’s my only child and I must admit, I don’t know too much about kids his age but is this even an injury that happens from some harmless playing IF that even happened, which I don’t believe for one second did…

I’m really angry but don’t know what I can do. Sorry for the drawn on picture didn’t want to have a zoom in and make it super blurry. So AIBU to think this definitely didn’t happen in the way ex H claims?

Completely agree with this. A&E stands for accident and Emergency. If there is a safeguarding concern where a child has been physically injured and the explanation given by the other parent doesn’t make sense and the child is unable to communicate what happened then I’d say that’s pretty much something that needs to be checked out urgently, if only to rule out that it was non accidental. Those saying take him to a GP - a GP does not have the knowledge or qualifications to be able to assess the child, the only thing they can do is refer to the authorities and perhaps prescribe pain relief etc. GP’s do not have the facilities nor the equipment to determine the cause of injury.

Personally (also having a non verbal child) with an injury like this I would go to minor injuries. Because, as PPS have said, he is not able to tell you what kind of pain, placement of pain, headache, vision loss etc.

My ds has very limited communication. Would your son normally be playing with older boys without supervision? I think that bruise could come from a ball to the face but would he usually play hard like that? Would the other boys even know how to check for concussion? It seems possibly neglectful.

The only thing I can say is that I had a one hell of a shiner that looked like id been punched after fumbling a metal shower head that resulted in it hitting me square in the eye. Didn't hurt at all at the time but I looked like id done a round with Tyson fury. It's an area thats quite sensitive to bruising I think.

He could have just been in the area when the older boys were playing ball and got
hit? So not really playing with them but just watching?

If one of the boys did hurt him surely he would be showing some signs of not wanting to go back to his dads? It would be pretty disgusting behaviour if one of the boys had punched a nonverbal 9 year old - so that isn’t the conclusion I would be jumping to right away (unless they have form for being really awful kids?)

I think it could be accidental.

I would get it checked out, given his communication difficulties, just in case there's anything worse behind. My sister got a thing (not a ball) from a throwing game in her eye, and there was a risk of her retina detaching.

I've only ever had accidental black eyes - one from landing on my face on a trampoline, one from a football to the eye, and one an elbow while dancing! The elbow one was the darkest, the other two looked like this.

@ICanBuyMyOwnBooks
You've got me there.

The thread was starting to go one way and I read your comment as if you didn't agree it could be an accident injury.

Your poor lad
The ex not acknowledging how it happened is alarming I think
It's his son! Was he not concerned he was hurt?
I would definitely get this looked at, just in case he has blurred vision or a corneal scratch and obviously can't verbalise it
FWIW my first thought was he was hit in the eye by a hard ball, like a cricket ball, as the bruising is a perfect round shape
I'm sure the ex would know how it happened, even by overhearing

The problem is…. And I assume that the posters posting saying they got black eyes from this, that and the other were able to communicate to their parents how they got their injuries.

We are talking about a little boy who has additional needs and cannot communicate. Nobody knows how he got the injury and the only way to determine how he got it is either if he says so himself (which it seems he isn’t going to do) or for a professional to determine the cause of the injury.

Its all very well people saying the got black eyes from all sorts of accidental injuries and yes you most definitely can get black eyes from accidents, however in this case nobody actually knows what happened to the op’s DS so we cannot say “well I got a black eye from an accident so it must be an accident”. Equally nobody knows if it was done intentionally.

I assume he’s never had this kind of injury before? And coincidentally dad gets a new partner with teenage sons and this happens. Regardless if it was an accident or not, you’re very right to be concerned. I’d say if your ex can’t supervise him and the interactions with the teenage boys when he’s there, then they shouldn’t be around when your son visits. As parents of non verbal children, we really don’t have the privilege of giving people we don’t know the “benefit of doubt”

What kind of ball is it ? It would have to be a cricket ball or something to do that.

I think you should get him checked out, but ds had a bruise like that off a football in the park. An older boy kicked it and it hit him. The lad was very apologetic, and invited ds to join them, even though ds was only about 6yo at the time and the older lads were late teenage. Ds definitely thought it was worth the bruise!
Interestingly his best friend had an almost identical one at the same time which was when he went over the top of his scooter.

The same injury could be caused deliberately, accidentally or purposefully.

I think ExH's response is more telling though. Did he give DS any first aid? That should have had an ice pack (or packet of frozen peas wrapped in a t-towel) on it, and he should have told you that he did this (or that he tried and DS refused to tolerate it).

I'd be telling exH that I was taking DS to the doctor/ walk in centre (after I'd got there and DS was booked in if he might be difficult about it). His reaction will tell you what you need to know.

Make sure you have followed through by getting it out checked medically, especially as DS can’t tell you what happened. When he goes to school, or if he has to be seen by a medical professional for another reason, and the injury hasn’t been checked then questions will, quite rightly, be asked of you.

I would get a doctor to examine it considering he is non verbal and ask the doctor to assess if they think its possible to be a ball injury.

It could totally have been caused by a ball.

What's ringing alarm bells for me though is the way your ex has reacted when asked very reasonably by you how it happened. And getting defensive. If he acted like this when asked how it happened to a health care professional that would ring alarm bells for non accidental injury...

Of course your ex might also be being defensive with you because he doesn't like being questioned by you about his parenting. Only you know what is more likely.

But as he's non verbal, and has had a head injury, then unless your ex has already taken him to be checked over I'd be doing that

Joining the chorus of: take him to A&E. It's potentially a head injury that you can't determine the severity of due to him being nonverbal.

Also, importantly, you want it on record that this happened when he wasn't in your care, and that he was in the care of his dad when it occurred, and that as soon as you saw it you took your son in to get looked at. That will stand you in good stead, if, God forbid, your boy comes home with any more injuries.

Could it have been his dad?

I recently tripped in the street and banged my head on a wall on the way down. After an hour or so I still had a headache so I went to the local NHS walk-in to get checked over. They took me seriously although I was able to walk there on my own unassisted. You don't mess around with head injuries. Incidentally I had a slight black eye the following day although I'd only hit the side of my eye socket.

Hi OP I work in children's services and feel that whilst this may be a total accident, one way to be sure is to take your ds to a miu and just get looked at and checked, it is then on record that it happend when in the care of exh and you followed up with medical advice, especially as he is non verbal and a vulnerable child
Always have a paper trail. If you are still unhappy with the exh story, refer to Children's services, and they will check it out, although I doubt they will take it further. But it's logged.
Poor boy that must be sore.

I think it’s impossible to say for sure. I got a black eye in school when a PE teacher caught me in the eye with one of the hard rounders balls.
My DS ran into French doors on holiday and got a similar black eye, so it’s really tricky to be sure.
Do you have any general concerns re: the teenagers with your son? If you think this is deliberate due to other interactions they’ve had you will need to discuss it with your ex.
I would be concerned that your ex is so blasé about this regardless of it being an accident. Especially with your boy being non-verbal you need to have comprehensive handovers when he is going from your care to his and vice versa. He should be demonstrating that he cares for your son and is gutted this accident happened in his care. I think when things calm down you need to have a conversation with your ex about what improved communication you need in place.
As others have said I would make a GP appointment to keep his medical record up to date. Don’t waste your time or the NHS resources going to A&E unless you are worried about a possible concussion. Primary care is adequate to review this. Let his school know too.

Trust your gut.

If you spoke to NSPCC they'd advise you to attend primary care, e.g. A&E or urgent care, as by the way you describe this, it is an unexplained injury and may trigger a social services referral. This is nothing to be frightened of - they will want to see mechanisms in place that means this doesn't happen again.

Don’t waste your time or the NHS resources going to A&E unless you are worried about a possible concussion
I don’t know how you can not be worried about concussion if he’s non verbal so can’t say ‘Mummy I’m feeling sick and dizzy’. Hence why I think A&E, or minor injuries if that exists in OP’s area, is 100% needed.

It does look like it’s been caused by a ball as the edges are very regular. A punch would be irregular.
The thing is, it is absolutely plausible that he got hit in the face with a ball at close quarters. It is also plausible that he plays with his stepbrothers.