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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this black eye was not an accident? Warning pic of black eye

203 replies

LittleLostCookie · 30/08/2023 12:43

Sorry I do have this post in SN chat (originally wasn’t keen on AIBU) but will get Mumsnet to delete as I’m desperately awaiting a reply to get some thoughts/opinions on this.

DS is 9 and has asd and is non verbal. He has been going to his dad for about 1/3 of the school holidays and ex h has a new partner who has 2 teenage boys. DS came home yesterday morning with a pretty sore eye and I instantly asked ex h what had happened and he very much brushed it off (he never texted me to tell me about any sort of injury or incident) saying well he was playing with the older boys wasn’t he. DS never “plays” with other children, especially older ones. He gets on best with babies at a push. I asked ex H when have we ever seen him play with other kids and he claims how he’s taken to them and I just can’t believe that I know my son and just know he isn’t going to be playing doesn’t matter how much he likes them and I asked what they were playing and he said oh it was with a ball and he got hit and I asked if he saw it and he said no and I’m also not believing this because ds always has his ball and will have a meltdown if someone is taking it/playing with it. There’s no way he has willingly played ball with some teenage boys and I can’t believe ex H thinks I’m that stupid.

He’s come at me with the “I’m his dad and he was in my care and I’m telling you that’s what happened” and I just don’t believe it. He’s my only child and I must admit, I don’t know too much about kids his age but is this even an injury that happens from some harmless playing IF that even happened, which I don’t believe for one second did…

I’m really angry but don’t know what I can do. Sorry for the drawn on picture didn’t want to have a zoom in and make it super blurry. So AIBU to think this definitely didn’t happen in the way ex H claims?

OP posts:
WhatapityWapiti · 30/08/2023 13:46

My feeling is that it probably was a ball but the ball was kicked too hard at him by a teen who did not understand his limitations. So not deliberate, but a result of a lack of effort made by your DH to prepare the boys for playing with his son.

Ascendant15 · 30/08/2023 13:46

LittleLostCookie · 30/08/2023 12:52

That’s exactly why I added the picture because I feel accidental black eyes just don’t look that bad

Show quote history

Sorry, but yes, they do. In fact they can look far worse from just a bang on the forehead. I know because in January I got a new cooker which took up a different footprint than the old one, and rushing around before going on holiday I bent over to pick something up, totally misjudged the new footprint and hit my forehead on the corner. Hurt like hell at the time, but (I thought a bit later) thank God it didn't seem to have bruised. Two days later I woke up and was horrified to see that I had a black eye that was horrendous - massively black and purple, all around the eye and across my face! Thank God I was in Mexico (sunglasses!). But even a smallish bang in that general area can result in horrendous bruising because there are (I am told) lots of small blood carrying vessels across the forehead etc that can "sink" blood into the eye area. That was what the doctor told me.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't trust your instincts, but I tell you only to give you some balance. I don't know what happened. But it is entirely possible for even a small bump to cause really horrendous brusing and it doesn't even need to be a bump to the eye.

OhComeOnFFS · 30/08/2023 13:46

Your poor boy - it looks really painful. I would definitely have it checked out with your GP or out of hours. Your ex sounds a real piece of work. I'm so glad you're no longer with him.

Oioicaptain · 30/08/2023 13:48

It sounds to me as though DS's dad wasn't watching what happened and that his idea of your son 'playing' with the others was that they were all in the garden, the others were playing football and their ball hit him in the face. Or something like that. He may well have used the term 'playing' rather loosely. The chances are that it was accidental. These things do happen.

Sugarfree23 · 30/08/2023 13:51

Devilsmommy · 30/08/2023 13:39

Your poor son has definitely been punched in the eye and your twat exh is obviously covering for new partners kids. If it was me, I'd be telling the ex that you don't want those kids around your son as with his sn he is much more vulnerable. Obviously the ex knows he was punched and that's why he never told you when it happened. Really hope you can get it sorted as I'd be so worried sending him there again

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How can you honestly say the cause of the bruising?

countrygirl99 · 30/08/2023 13:57

My DS got a corker of a black eye falling off his bike.
I once got one even worse when a bramble flicked in my face. I looked like I'd been badly beaten up by someone big and strong.

Cananyonehelpplease · 30/08/2023 13:58

Oh no...poor little thing 😢a black eye was so painful..my black eye was caused from my old boy(elderly horse) nutting me when I was cuddling him😂I would definitely need to know what exactly happened..poor little guy👦 😢

OhmygodDont · 30/08/2023 13:58

It could genuinely be a ball that hit his face.

Playing ball with the teens in your ex’s eyes could easily mean all three boys where in the garden playing with balls not that all three boys where playing catch or something and I’m going to hazard a guess your sons poor face got in the way of one of the balls being played with. He wasn’t watching so then got defensive when called out. Since your son doesn’t seem upset by mention of the boys it sounds likely innocent with a ex with a guilty conscience for not watching close enough.

Ughhelp · 30/08/2023 14:01

SleeplessInShoeburyness · 30/08/2023 12:59

Agree, medics will be able to determine a likely cause of the injury, ball or fist, and check if any damage to the eye. Get it on record especially as DS is non verbal. He’ll also be going back to school soon and it’ll still be visible so you need to be clear it didn’t happen when he was with you. Safeguarding issue if medics think it might have been from a fist.

Try GP before A&E.

Show quote history

Agree with all of this OP, was going to write something similar. Also get it put on record that you weren't notified or given any info on how it happened.

Have a look at his knees and hands before you go, in case there are other injuries. Also feel through his hair in case there is a bump from an injury.

Codlingmoths · 30/08/2023 14:01

As others say you can’t tell what caused it, but a trip to the gp/ a&e is a good idea, and then you tell your ex (by message or email so it’s recorded) that you took ds to the gp, and tell him he will have to be more present when he’s playing with the other boys if this kind of thing is what happens.
that way he knows there’s a record, that you won’t brush it under the carpet and maybe he’s more careful of your ds too.

medianewbie · 30/08/2023 14:04

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 30/08/2023 12:55

Maybe a trip to A&E. You want it on record it didn't happen whilst in your care imo. Especially if your ds is non verbal.. Hospital record will be there incase you need proof at a later date.

I'd take him to a HCP to get it checked out too - it looks really nasty. Helpful to have a record in case of fquestions / future occurrence. I'm not sure I'd put him back in that situation (if I had the choice) as he's non verbal. Difficult!

Trenchfootinthescottishhighlandstoday · 30/08/2023 14:06

Ime ex's are very economical with the truth. Once my ds 3yo came back in his cousin's clothes after 'splashing in a puddle'. . My old ndn rang me to ask if ds was OK after falling through a frozen pond...
Same month ds had his eyebrow stitched after falling on the rocks on the beach... Dh did admit he was nowhere near ds at that time..... Black eye and stitches..
Guess who was back at the beach next visit?. My own barrister actually told me 'judges are reckless with other people's dc' ...

Prescottdanni123 · 30/08/2023 14:06

Another vote for going to GP. Not A&E as it isn't an emergency, unless he starts developing worrying symptoms.

GPs sometimes have methods for communicating with non verbal kids too.

WetBandits · 30/08/2023 14:06

I’d be inclined to believe his dad tbh, I’m sure his own parent would not let him be beaten up and then lie about it, unless there’s a massive backstory? And the defensiveness (which is still not okay) might be because he knows you are accusing him of not looking after DS properly. He probably didn’t see exactly what happened but knew they were playing with a ball and that your DS was there. DS might not have been playing with them but possibly playing near them and a ball has hit him in the face?

I’ve had two black eyes in my life, one when I was five after a faceplant on the playground (my eye was swollen shut for a week and the bruising is still visible in videos from my nativity play in December; I had hurt myself in the September!)

My second black eye was a couple of years ago when I got punched by a very confused elderly lady in the middle of the night at work. That wasn’t as bad a bruise, but the skin split where I assume her knuckles caught. The bruise on your DS’ eye looks circular, which makes me think it probably is impact from a ball.

I’d still get him checked out though as he can’t tell you what happened or if anything else is hurting him. Also, if he’ll let you, I would try to gently massage it with a warm compress a couple of times a day to aid healing.

Moveoverdarlin · 30/08/2023 14:08

If he’s back in school next week, they’ll ask you what happened. It will have gone down a bit by then, but it still looks like he’s been punched, although could be completely innocent. Say to your exH ‘the school will want to know, so I’ll say to ring you yeah?’

Butchyrestingface · 30/08/2023 14:13

My father slapped me across the face when I was 12 and I came out with a black eye. Don't get me wrong, he hit me on purpose and was aiming for the face, but it definitely wasn't a punch.

I'd be really concerned in OP's situation going forward as her son is non-verbal and unable to give his side to any story.

Devilsmommy · 30/08/2023 14:14

Sugarfree23 · 30/08/2023 13:51

How can you honestly say the cause of the bruising?

Show quote history

Obviously I can't say 100% but I've been given enough black eyes to know what they look like

LaffTaff · 30/08/2023 14:15

Poor wee soul, that looks sore 😔

Black eyes are very common in sports like football and rugby. My hunch is that this wasn't done deliberately, but the older boys need to be told that they have to be gentle and very careful around your son - they musn't be booting footballs about when he's around.

Lifeisgood1 · 30/08/2023 14:15

Take.him to GP as its classed as a head injury

Redaska · 30/08/2023 14:20

I've had two accidental black eyes - me versus door jambs - and I was amazed how awful it looked so it could certainly be accidental. It does look as if he could have been hit in the face with a ball. It's possible your ex may not actually know how it happened as he wasn't supervising.

Inertia · 30/08/2023 14:20

I think your first port of call needs to be to get him checked over by a GP to make sure he’s ok.

That injury would ring some safeguarding bells when he returns to school, especially if he’s unable to communicate what happened, so it would be worth giving school the heads up. If you explain the situation they may be able to do some pastoral work with him to help figure out whether he’s safe in his father’s care.

Original poster
LittleLostCookie · 30/08/2023 14:21

I will be back to respond as soon as I can

OP posts:
ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 30/08/2023 14:22

I've had a black eye from a deliberate hit and it didn't look like that. And DH has had a black eye from a ball and it did look like your photo. All that means is that it's impossible to say. It could have been caused by a ball - if that's your question. But it doesn't mean it definitely was. I think the suggestion to go to the GP is a good one.
Your poor DS. It looks painful. You must have got such a fright when he came home Flowers

TomatoSandwiches · 30/08/2023 14:25

I would take him to the GP, my youngest is non verbal and always take him to be assessed by the GP and once to A&E because he can not tell me if something is wrong/hurting and does not react to pain in a NT way.
You cover yourself getting him checked and obviously see if there is anything underlying the bruise like a fracture or damage to the eyeball itself and a record of the incident for future reference if you need it.

MeridianB · 30/08/2023 14:26

GrazingSheep · 30/08/2023 12:50

It looks as if he was punched in the eye

Definitely this. This is a full-square to his eye and with some force.

Even if this was sustained with a ball or during play fighting, it would have hurt and I would have expected your ex to ice it and let you know.

Is it possible for your DS to only visit there when these boys are not there? Or do they all live there full time?

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