Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was my bf BU when he said my vagina is loose?

329 replies

shamelesschocaholic · 23/08/2023 11:59

I’m mortified to be posting this, but I want to show him this thread as we have just had words for the second time in two days!

I am a perimenopausal 46 year old woman. Without blowing my own trumpet, I still look good for my age, I wear a size 10 and I still like to have fun.

I have three kids with an ex partner who I was with for over 20 years. I’m in a fairly new (1 year) relationship and I’m madly crazy in love.

ivw been getting lots of UTIs which I think is due to perimenopause. Yesterday bf helpfully sent me a link to something he saw on YouTube about this and women’s sexual health generally.

When we discussed it, he matter of fact said my vagina was loose but this was to be expected as I’ve had three children. I was devastated by this comment, I actually felt so hurt. He can’t see what he said wrong as it’s “the truth”.

We have barely spoken, when I said earlier I have to get over it or end our relationship as it’s going to impact our (what I thought was an amazing) sex life he’s made me feel as if I’ve over reacted and am being sensitive. He just said he will, moving forwards be careful what he says to me when - before that he referred to how we always pride pursue on being open and I’d said that women are told negative things from young about their vaginas and it’s really knocked me confidence

pleasw let me know how you would have taken this as I’m so upset that he genuinely can’t see how upsetting this is and has tried to make me feel like I’m overreacting?

OP posts:
Blogswife · 23/08/2023 13:08

Cheeky b@stard , he’s talking out of his backside .
Im with other posters , I suspect your ex partners haven’t found the need to complain as their penises were undoubtedly larger .

travelogue · 23/08/2023 13:10

Loose compared to what?? Does he like anal?

Anyway, it's a stupid comment - what did he expect you to do with it, even if it's what he thinks ?? Twat.

Thelonelygiraffe · 23/08/2023 13:10

Uncooperativefingers · 23/08/2023 12:03

He's a manipulative twat.

First he says something deeply hurtful, then blames you for having been hurt and then threatens that the relationship will change if you aren't OK with him saying hurtful things.

This man isn't good for your self-esteem and you deserve so much better. Dump him please!

This!

Bigbowpeep · 23/08/2023 13:10

I would be more concerned about this "ivw been getting lots of UTIs which I think is due to perimenopause."

More likely due to his poor hygiene and introducing germs into your vagina.

Get rid of this nasty, mini-winkied, walking bag of bacteria- you deserve far better.

TealSapphire · 23/08/2023 13:11

You'd find his comment in your last post 'hysterical'?

Raise your bar.

BreatheAndFocus · 23/08/2023 13:13

He thinks of you as a series of orifices for his penis to go

Exactly this ^^ OP, anal sex has more of an effect on women. Not just ‘loose’, incontinent. He’s clearly pretending to be ‘helpful and honest’ in order to ,ame you feel insecure. Throw him back. He’s far from a good catch.

aflix · 23/08/2023 13:13

If your arse can manage his large penis and you love it, I'm not surprised he finds your perfectly normal vagina loose OP.

It's an unexpected consequence I'm afraid.

Newmum110 · 23/08/2023 13:13

I'm not actually surprised that he is confused by you being offended seeing as you find his other charming statements "hysterical"

Overdemanding · 23/08/2023 13:15

Oh god, I always thought that was only a thing in porn and that irl a vagina's a vagina.

I think that would be it for me. I don't know how you recover from that.

Disturbia81 · 23/08/2023 13:17

Shortpoet · 23/08/2023 12:51

Another alternative to him having a small penis, is that he “death-grip” masturbates so he has got used to a really tight sensation to get himself off and isn’t used to a perfectly normal vagina.

Ask him if he grips too tightly when he wants and tell him there’s support groups online to help people like him who do that.

Yes to the death grip.

Loulou599 · 23/08/2023 13:17

I actually find him saying I can fuck your arse and you ordinarily finding this hilarious more disgusting than the original comment

Original poster
shamelesschocaholic · 23/08/2023 13:20

Thank you for your posts (well most of you - for the other rather unkind keyboard warriors, this has nothing to do with anal sex (or that I like it) or that id normally have laughed at a joke about it).

my post was about how he reacted when I expressed my feelings, and whether I was correct in thinking his reaction was minimising them.

ive really found some comments helpful, others have been hurtful so I’m going to go off and have a think about things but won’t be reading anymore as I feel shit enough as it is.

xxxx

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 23/08/2023 13:21

Loulou599 · 23/08/2023 13:17

I actually find him saying I can fuck your arse and you ordinarily finding this hilarious more disgusting than the original comment

It's just banter. Innit.

Itsnotrightbutitsok · 23/08/2023 13:24

Obviously his comment was very hurtful but it wasn’t intended to be.

Obviously he needs to watch what he says in the future but we all say stupid stuff sometimes.

If he made the comment to hurt or belittle you then I’d be telling you to LTB but as it was just factual then you can’t really blame him for it.

You did the right thing by saying how hurtful it was and he’s done the right thing by apologising and saying he will watch his words in future.

No adult woman’s vagina is tight, especially if she’s had kids.

horseyhorsey17 · 23/08/2023 13:26

I don't think getting UTIs has anything to do with the size of your vagina. I would be worried that this is your partner's poor hygiene or maybe even an STD.

But yeah I'd be gutted if I was you. I am late 40s, still looking good etc, mum of two (with one hideous forceps birth that left me almost dead and with over 40 stitches in my vag), recently single and a partner saying something like that would put me off sex forever. I'm paranoid enough about sex as it is. Sorry but I don't know how he could have said that and thought it would do anything other than upset you - he doesn't sound very nice.

Isthisit22 · 23/08/2023 13:26

Sorry that these comments are hard to read op but people are just trying to warn you.
He has probably love bombed you- treated you like a princess at first and now he is undermining your confidence so that he can control and abuse you. It is textbook. If you stay, it will continue/ get worse and your self esteem will become so low that you’ll struggle to leave him.
Please believe people who can see more clearly from the outside.
ps. Your UTIs may be from too vigorous sex (esp if he’s large he may be hitting your bladder) or transfer of germs from anal.

Overdemanding · 23/08/2023 13:26

I'd guess most vaginas will feel loose to a man who'd rather have an anus.

Mumsanetta · 23/08/2023 13:26

Ask yourself this @shamelesschocaholic, would you ever tell your DP that you think his penis is shrinking with age? Penis shrinkage happens for a number of reasons including age and this may happen to your DP, but how would he feel if you pointed this out to him? Even if you were being factual and didn’t intend to hurt him, would it affect his confidence every time you got intimate? I mean, you could follow it with a throwaway comment about how he can just fuck your arse.

frechette · 23/08/2023 13:28

LTB

RosaMoline · 23/08/2023 13:28

Christ. Serious ick.

AmazingSnakeHead · 23/08/2023 13:30

I think the reason it's so hurtful is that there's an implicit unfavourable comparison between you and others. "Loose" is a comparative term - loose compared to what, your anus? His exes? What he fantasises about? Worse, it centers him and his penis as the metric by which your body is judged. What he really means is: loose(r) around my penis. Fuck that OP. You are a woman and your body is your own.
Don't let some insecure little dweeb try and convince you that the relevant yardstick for your body is a man's dick. It isn't. The yardstick for your body is how you feel in it and what it does for you. It's YOUR body.

Your vagina is not loose. As long as it's causing you no problems, it's the perfect size. It's exactly as it should be. Sure, pre kids or in the past it may have been slightly different - our bodies change in all sorts of places and in all sorts of ways. But if it is not a problem for YOU, the person whose vagina it is, then it's perfect.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 23/08/2023 13:33

he’s made me feel as if I’ve over reacted and am being sensitive. He just said he will, moving forwards be careful what he says to me when - before that he referred to how we always pride pursue on being open

I'd hate it if someone said this.
Quite apart from the loose comments,
when someone says they will have to be "careful" what they say to you because they think you have overreacted to an adverse comment -
I think what they really mean is I can no longer be honest with you - because you can't take it.

Which is pressure for you to take any old crap remark and not react and not argue back or stand up for yourself.

It also leaves you wondering, what other thoughts have they been holding back because they fear an "over reaction"
That would create real insecurities.

No. I wouldn't be having that!

Bigdoglittledog2 · 23/08/2023 13:33

I don’t think I’d be able to stay with him.

He’s he too stupid to understand something like that is incredibly insulting and nasty.

I wouldn’t be able to touch him again so I’d have to let the relationship go which wouldn’t be a loss considering he sounds like a nasty bastard deep down.

Insulting you under the crap ‘that we have a honest relationship’

BadNomad · 23/08/2023 13:34

Was he saying your vagina feels loose to him, or that it will be loose due to multiple childbirths and that could be the reason for the ongoing UTIs? As in, it could be a pelvic floor issue. If it's the latter, he is somewhat right, but his wording was very clumsy. But I wonder if that is why he doesn't understand why you are upset.

Autieangel · 23/08/2023 13:40

I'd just say - No one else has complained. Maybe it's your dick that's the issue.