Was my bf BU when he said my vagina is loose?

[shamelesschocaholic]

I’m mortified to be posting this, but I want to show him this thread as we have just had words for the second time in two days!

I am a perimenopausal 46 year old woman. Without blowing my own trumpet, I still look good for my age, I wear a size 10 and I still like to have fun.

I have three kids with an ex partner who I was with for over 20 years. I’m in a fairly new (1 year) relationship and I’m madly crazy in love.

ivw been getting lots of UTIs which I think is due to perimenopause. Yesterday bf helpfully sent me a link to something he saw on YouTube about this and women’s sexual health generally.

When we discussed it, he matter of fact said my vagina was loose but this was to be expected as I’ve had three children. I was devastated by this comment, I actually felt so hurt. He can’t see what he said wrong as it’s “the truth”.

We have barely spoken, when I said earlier I have to get over it or end our relationship as it’s going to impact our (what I thought was an amazing) sex life he’s made me feel as if I’ve over reacted and am being sensitive. He just said he will, moving forwards be careful what he says to me when - before that he referred to how we always pride pursue on being open and I’d said that women are told negative things from young about their vaginas and it’s really knocked me confidence

pleasw let me know how you would have taken this as I’m so upset that he genuinely can’t see how upsetting this is and has tried to make me feel like I’m overreacting?

He's awful. Nothing about him is loving.

The UTIs are probably from his dirty knob.

LTB

Tell him its not your fault he's got a pencil dick 😁and then block the bastard and find someone decent who deserves you!

@Linning What a wonderful, thoughtful, caring post. Thank you 🤗

Same

OP won't do anything about it because she "luvs him". She is also entirely unreasonable equating fuckability to being a size 10. Both of them sound pretty revolting to be fair

But unfortunately some men do think/feel like this. Remember being on a night out with work colleagues about 20 yrs ago, and my male boss saying drunkenly to my young female colleague, who was shortly to get married, 'when you have children, X, have a caesarian. Because you know, it's never the same afterwards.' Depressing for many reasons, that women used to get talked to like this without consequence, and that men felt entitled to joke about it. And also, since then, that the anus seems to have become the default option for those who feel their 'needs' aren't being met to their satisfaction.

I remember reading somewhere that some male doctors would joke when stitching up a woman's body after a natural birth that they would put in an extra one 'one for the husband' as a means to make the vagina tighter.

I hope that is apocryphal.

The stand out thing for me in this thread is just how many people can't be arsed to read threads, or even just the OP's posts.

She's already said he's got a big penis so post after post saying "he's got a small dick" is as pathetic as he is

I don’t think many people are actually reading this thread, they’re just posting their small dick put downs some of which I may have filed away for future use and leaving it at that.

If in his strange little mind he actually thought that your vagina was loose, what is the point in telling you unless to hurt you?

It's not exactly constructive criticism is it?

What are you supposed to do with that information? Go out and buy a new vagina?

That nasty remark will only have been made to lower your confidence and cause anxiousness and insecurity.

It has been said with the purpose of making you feel beholden to him and not want to leave him because you have a hang up about your vagina.

You should be feeling angry at this devious way in which he wants to manipulate and control your emotions and fears.

Tell him and his acorn Willy to piss off.

This thread is great for highlighting the intellectual capacity of many mumsnetters.

Sadly, it is not, and doctors actually did this, unasked. Worth noting that this sometimes led to sex being forever agonising for the woman.

Well, I say 'led'. I should say leads, because some medical staff out there are still putting extra stitches in women's perineums. Even female staff do it.

In La Marque, Texas, mother Tamara Williams, 27, found out she’d been given a husband stitch after her 2015 birth when her boyfriend mentioned it. He thought she’d heard the birth center midwife say “she’d throw in an extra stitch for him,” winking. He didn’t know what to say or do when the statement was made, and Williams was on such a “baby high” she has no memory of it. But knowing it was done to her is hurtful, despite the good relationship she still maintains with her midwife.
Williams said she experiences continued pain during sex, even after giving birth to another child.

www.healthline.com/health-news/husband-stitch-is-not-just-myth#Lasting-pain-from-the-extra-stitch

the good relationship she still maintains with her midwife

wut?

The husband stitch was a thing.

The opposite is certainly true. The doctor attending me after the birth of my dd stitched me, then took out the stitches and re-did them, because otherwise my husband wouldn't be able to get in. They discussed this without consulting me.

That's your experience but it was very much a 'thing'.

Did I deny it? In my case, the husband was consulted, not the person whose vagina was being adapted to suit.

And this is called love wow. Nasty man get rid! 4 kids and I can never imagine my hubby saying such things it's horrible

So the same misogyny. It’s horrendous.

I dare say in your case the Dr would argue he was thinking of your sex life whereas the husband stitch only benefitted the husband, but it’s the same thing - sex for men prioritised over women’s medical needs

There's also the joke that for men, watching their wife or girlfriend give birth was like watching their favourite pub burn down.

Women's bodies are for male pleasure, it's very much the society we live in still.

I had a feeling it was not totally a joke.

When I got stitched up i was stitched too tightly and at my 6 week check it was actually commented on by the HCP.

Sex has been extremely painful ever since tbh. I even went to my GP to say i was having trouble and she gave me dilators and told me to have a good bottle of wine before getting frisky.

I'm 50. My oldest is 13.

I am feeling a bit queasy now tbh. 'The husband Stitch'.

Same as the vaginal mesh scandal - women left in agony with bits of plastic sticking into their internal tissues, incontinent, mobility difficulties. I watched a few news reports about it - all with men saying things like 'it ruined our sex life', or women saying 'it cost me my marriage'. Yes, the end of a good sexual relationship as the result of medical incompetence is dreadful, but for some reason many men just saw one consequence to a procedure that ruined many women's lives.

My mother (not in the UK) had vaginal mesh and it has caused her agony for years. She's been in pain and incontinent for decades. She was actually asked to be part of a class action and she declined because she said that she had not been 'that badly' affected.

She has just recently had a two part procedure where (I am going to get the medical bits or language wrong) she has had what she describes as a pacemaker fitted to her urethra. She has a remote control that she has to carry around with her everywhere and she presses some sort of button that triggers urine output. I am not sure on the medical intricacies of it but this is how she describes it and she is an ex nurse. She says it is lifechanging for her and she loves it. For me the whole concept of carrying around a remote control with wires sticking out your butt so you can pee properly is horrifying. But she's grateful.

I've already responded once in this thread, but will say again - Yes our vaginas CAN become loose from perimenopause onwards (which the OP has said she is in) along with getting UTIs (which can actually be UTI type symptoms but not actually UTIs).

When I last had sex my vagina felt progressively more like a cavern - and like the OPs partner (for the large number of those who have not bothered to read the OPs posts) my partner was also well endowed.

And YES there is something that can be done about it - I am fully plumped up now ☺️. So do read and file away as this will happen to many women

https://balance-menopause.com/uploads/2021/09/Vaginal-dryness.pdf