Was my bf BU when he said my vagina is loose?

[shamelesschocaholic]

I’m mortified to be posting this, but I want to show him this thread as we have just had words for the second time in two days!

I am a perimenopausal 46 year old woman. Without blowing my own trumpet, I still look good for my age, I wear a size 10 and I still like to have fun.

I have three kids with an ex partner who I was with for over 20 years. I’m in a fairly new (1 year) relationship and I’m madly crazy in love.

ivw been getting lots of UTIs which I think is due to perimenopause. Yesterday bf helpfully sent me a link to something he saw on YouTube about this and women’s sexual health generally.

When we discussed it, he matter of fact said my vagina was loose but this was to be expected as I’ve had three children. I was devastated by this comment, I actually felt so hurt. He can’t see what he said wrong as it’s “the truth”.

We have barely spoken, when I said earlier I have to get over it or end our relationship as it’s going to impact our (what I thought was an amazing) sex life he’s made me feel as if I’ve over reacted and am being sensitive. He just said he will, moving forwards be careful what he says to me when - before that he referred to how we always pride pursue on being open and I’d said that women are told negative things from young about their vaginas and it’s really knocked me confidence

pleasw let me know how you would have taken this as I’m so upset that he genuinely can’t see how upsetting this is and has tried to make me feel like I’m overreacting?

She said he has a big dick so that would sound a bit pathetic.

Some odd responses on this thread

Birthing three children can’t possibly of affected your lady parts in any way, he has a small penis, no woman has anal sex unless coerced.

Really?

Each to their own I say, as long as you are both on the same page and enjoying it and harming no one it is all reasonable. Obviously forcing someone to do anything they dislike isn't on even if 99% of people enjoy it. We are all different after all.

That's abusive men belittling their partners to get what they want, no one would enjoy having sex with them in any capacity after that or be relaxed. Some people can't stand the thought of it anyway and that's fine, it's a personal choice.

People who do enjoy it have non-abusive partners who don't force them and that's the difference.

@shamelesschocaholic
if you take nothing else at all from this thread, get yourself checked for STIs.

Repeated UTIs should be checked out, not just dismissed as being a product of peri menopause.

If this man loved you he wouldn't have said such an awful thing. How would he cope if you had an illness or couldn't have full sex due to cancer, a stoma or suchlike?

My DH would be under the patio if he said such a thing. We all age and we reap what we sow.
I actually don't care where your p shoves it. However I would be shoving him!
My late DM did have cancer and a stoma and my father still loved her to the end. Find that sort of commitment and get checked for STD. This guy's an arse.

Absolutely. Same goes for anything obviously.

Personally I find it strange people are so quick to judge the act itself when what they are saying is they know people who have been forced into a sexual act they did not want to do, that's the important part.

Anyway, OP has already said she is happy with it and has been called a liar. Totally bizarre.

There's only one massive cunt in this story, and it isn't yours. Tiny cocked arsehole!

This was inconsiderate, but not malicious.

The fact that he said it so 'matter of fact' meant that he either thought it was constructive criticism, or OP already knew about it... "you're getting UTIs because it's slightly more 'accessible' down there to infection".

Don't get me wrong, it's hurtful and could have been said with more tact... but it's akin to all those dating profiles that say "I only date tall men." I know it's not the 'same', but it seriously damages guys' egos for something they can't change, and it is also said so 'matter of fact'.

This is just cruel.

A loose vagina is something I've been paranoid about since my first vaginal birth in which I was cut to get baby out. My exh who was my DC's dad never said a word. To be fair he had a massive penis and it helped that things had loosened up a bit as sometimes sex hurt before the birth.

Then had a relationship with a horrible man who I stupidly shared my self consciousness with. Any opportunity he got he'd call me a slack fnny wh*e. One day I snapped, told him my vaginas size was all relative to what you're putting in it and he soon shut up. And I left him, obviously.

New partner wouldn't dream of being so awful. I hope you tell him to f off.

State that no one has ever mentioned it before so it must in fact be his small penis that is the issue

I think having a loose vagina after three kids is to be expected and accepted. It was an unnecessary comment.

If vaginas get loose from children etc...then by that token penises get whittled away and become smaller with use....

There is nothing attractive about someone so dumb. Dump and find a man with a decent size penis.

I think having a loose vagina after three kids is to be expected and accepted. It was an unnecessary comment

He did say it was only to be expected to be fair. Tbh there’s no way of knowing whether he said something thoughtless and is to dumb to realise or whether he was being deliberately cruel. If it was the former something like “I guess you can’t get that hard at your age” wouldn’t be amiss.

Can't churn butter with a toothpick...

• If it was the latter then LTB obviously

He's obviously hung up on his "pin prick".......

Honestly, women are our own worst enemies sometimes.

The natural aging process, and successive vaginal births, and the hormonal changes associated with perimenopause and menopause, can all affect the structure and muscle tone and elasticity of the vagina over time. The degree of arousal of both partners will also affect how engorged everything is, and how sensation is perceived. If wished, some of these changes can possibly be mitigated by toning exercises, or by hormonal treatment to restore hormone levels.

It sounds like OP and her partner were having a matter of fact conversation about UTI's and peri/menopause. IF it was a serious conversation, with the intent to help, and not belittle, then that seems great to me. I wonder if OP is bringing previous hurts and her own internalised misogyny to this new relationship, and has shut down a valuable and potentially mutually beneficial avenue of communication about her general health, peri/menopause, HRT, and mutual sexual pleasure.

Knowing that a partner can see and feel the traces of life experience and age AND loves and desires me is infinitely more appealing to me than them peddling some dishonest fairy story about me being nubile and taut.

I'm only just becoming informed about much of this myself. I had 3 months of stubborn cyclical UTI last year, and I too am in the peri/menopause zone. I read something about hormonal changes affecting the mucosal barrier that usually prevents infection as well as lubricates? Possibly.

The real outrage is that we all still know so little about women's health, in all its seasons.

That's the comment of a man who has more experience of wanking over porn than sex with a woman.

Wow. What a catch!

OP, I've never said this on here before, but....
Ditch the insensitive twat. Block, ghost, get rid. End of.

Don't get me wrong, it's hurtful and could have been said with more tact... but it's akin to all those dating profiles that say "I only date tall men." I know it's not the 'same', but it seriously damages guys' egos for something they can't change, and it is also said so 'matter of fact'.

The fact that he said it so 'matter of fact' meant that he either thought it was constructive criticism …etc

See I think it is more akin to saying “I’ll sort myself out thanks because you don’t cut it/aren’t big enough/only to be expected because you aren’t ever hard enough/you take too long/you don’t take long enough”.

I wonder how many men would want that as constructive criticism if it was said in a matter of fact way.

It is just hurtful all round.

Our bodies can and do change as we age. It may well have been a matter of fact conversation - only OP knows that. It should not be tit for tat but I wonder how receptive or hurt he would have been if she’d added a matter of fact observation of her own and then told him she’d be more careful what she said going forward?

You likely are ‘loose’ after 3 children but it’s very rude of him to say this and he’d be out the door

Every person with a brain knows you never tell a partner they have a loose vagina or a small penis. What on earth would it achieve except hurting them and making them feel insecure?