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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling upset that neighbour cut down all my roses in the garden while on holiday

271 replies

FlowerScarlet · 01/07/2023 23:10

We were away on holiday for 10 days and had asked our neighbour to water the plants in the green house whilst we were away. Turns out she did a lot more than what we had asked for - the entire garden was completely weeded, plants and shrubs shaped and manicured, we were shocked and genuinely grateful, she did not have to do any of this, we didn’t even ask to water the garden as we thought some rain here and there would be enough. Everything seemed perfect except she cut down ALL our roses!!!!

I have been feeling quite upset what she has done without our consent. We have 5 different roses shrubs/climbers in different areas of the garden, she has cut most of them to none. Before we left they were all in full bloom, very leafy, big shrubs with abundant flowers taking up a lot of space. Yes they did look a bit wild and overgrown, but we always went for the wild cottage garden look instead of the perfectly manicured look, and June / July is the time roses really grow and flourish. And although I’m not an expert at rose gardening, I’ve always done my hard pruning in winter/early spring, and they were all this year’s growth. She did not just cut back on the dead flowers, she literally cut majority of the canes back to the ground with no roses and leaves left except a few leggy canes! I really don’t know why she had to do this and even though it’s been a few days I still cannot get over it every time I see the bare garden with great view of the perfectly weeded soil from the kitchen window… From the short conversation we had after we came back it sounded like she thinks she has done us a favour, I think she thought we don’t do any maintaining and looked overgrown, but first of all every pruning articles and tips I read states that summer is not the time to do major hard pruning of roses, and secondly I just feel so upset that she thought it was OK to just do this without me knowing. I did take care of my roses and they are mine… When we came back she did ask if she could take the rose cuttings to plant in her garden and she did take a bunch of them home, which now got me thinking did she cut them all down so she could plant in her garden???? She’s a lovely neighbour and we like her a lot but this has got me feeling bitter. Aibu for feeling this way?? Should I speak to her and tell her how I truly feel? Or would that just make her feel bad? Should I just bottle this feeling and move on and look forward to enjoying the roses next year?(hope she didn’t ruin them…)

OP posts:
Thread gallery
13
EsmeSusanOgg · 02/07/2023 11:16

ThatFraggle · 01/07/2023 23:23

You need to say something.

'Ann, I can see you spent a lot of time in the garden, and I'm sure you were trying to help, but please don't ever do anything like that again. I don't know why you cut all my roses. It's the strangest thing I've ever encountered.'

CFs get away with it by never being called out.

This is a really good response. She overstepped a boundary, under the guise of being helpful, and is not expecting to be called out on it. Call her out (nicely).

LarkLane · 02/07/2023 11:18

Oh your poor roses! I'd be so upset, they were so big and blowsy before. They'll come back next year, but you need to sort those leggy sticks out later in the year.

She's ruined your summer delight, I'm so sorry.

What's her garden like? She must have gone off somewhere with armfuls of roses along with the " cuttings".

I'd put a distance to this " friendship", I'd not be able to trust her again. That is very strange behaviour indeed. She doesn't even know what she's doing with her " gardening". Who the hell does that to roses at this time of year?

EsmeSusanOgg · 02/07/2023 11:19

FlowerScarlet · 02/07/2023 09:44

Decided to share some photos. I think what's bothering me the most is how she decided to cut back most of the canes, they were so healthy, some very strong newer shoots, and just left 1 leggy ones per shrub, making it look so ugly and sad! I think I would've been OK if she had pruned a little bit to "maintain" the look by sizing down but keeping more of a shape. To me, what she has done looks extremely ugly.
Every time I look at it I just can't help but to think 'wtf did she do' and these repeat flowered all summer, but can't enjoy that this year...

Oh OP, no wonder you are upset. They were beautiful!

Bluebellbike · 02/07/2023 11:23

Mumtothreegirlies · 01/07/2023 23:30

I was going to say my roses were in full bloom 2 weeks ago and are now mostly dead, so I was thinking maybe she just dead headed them? But then you said she’s just left canes so that’s a bit odd??

My roses have just had their second flowering and the third lot of buds are almost ready to open.

latetothefisting · 02/07/2023 11:25

looking at the photos they do look horrendous, she was completely out of line and I can understand why you're upset

BUT

the time to say something was as soon as you'd seen what happened. Given that you originally went over, said thanks, and even got her a present, you are going to look a bit mad if you now go back again and kick off, as some posters are suggesting. I fully understand why you didn't say anything originally, shock and it taking time to bed in, etc. But from her POV she did you a favour and you thanked her. If you go round there now "bouncing" and "Livid" and completely cut her off, she's going to be confused and upset, and if she mentions it to other neighbours it's going to be hard to put your point across without you sounding like the unreasonable, ungrateful one having a go at someone who did you a favour, particularly if she's generally lovely as you said.

It's easy enough on MN to suggest someone else goes out all guns blazing when you're sitting at home behind your phone safe from any consequences but you have to live alongside this woman.

By all means mention next time you see her that you were a bit unhappy she'd pruned the roses back so much and of course never let her in your garden again, but I think that's where you have to leave it.

Caradonna · 02/07/2023 11:31

Never inform her of when you are going on holiday ever again
Padlocks on gates.

lemonchiffonpie · 02/07/2023 11:36

It's easy enough on MN to suggest someone else goes out all guns blazing when you're sitting at home behind your phone safe from any consequences but you have to live alongside this woman.

She's across the road, not next door. Most posters have not suggested anything like going over "all guns blazing", but if OP swallows her upset and does not speak up - calmly and firmly - she risks this sort of thing recurring at any time.

Neekoh · 02/07/2023 11:40

Having seen the photos, she did this out of spite. Consciously or not she obviously hated that you have/had such a lovely garden. She wasn't trying to help, she was destroying something beautiful, because it wasn't hers.

She is not your friend. Never, ever give her permission to access your property again.

I would tell her straight out - in a civil but firm way - that you're not happy that she destroyed all your beautiful roses. I wouldn't give her the 'out' that you're sure she was trying to help...because that is not what happened.

Furries · 02/07/2023 11:43

Bloody hell, what she’s done is way worse than what I’d pictured in my head - no wonder you’re upset.

I would definitely have to say something.

I know it’s not much comfort right now, but they WILL come back. I’d probably cut back those leggy canes once the blooms on them are ready to be deadheaded. Feed, mulch, water and let them all do their thing to recover.

BravoMyDear · 02/07/2023 11:45

Fraaahnces · 02/07/2023 07:39

My Neighbour’s kids climbed over the fence and into my garden and utterly decimated it when I was away at my Dad’s funeral. The fuckers had my roses and peonies displayed in giant bunches in their windows. I called the police who gave them back to me, but that was not the point. (Obviously that was not their first offense. Those neighbours were the most antisocial people I have ever had the misfortune of meeting.)

Bastards! 😮

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 02/07/2023 11:45

I think i'd have to say something about it, if you don't next time you go away she might think it's ok to do it again.
I'm not surprised you're upset, I'd have cried.

Jongleterre · 02/07/2023 11:47

Now I've seen the before and after photos I wouldn't give a toss about falling out with her.

She has hacked away at your roses and I think it is so she could work on the flower bed and remove all weeds without the thorns of the roses.

She has really overstepped the line and you should show her the before and after photos and tell her that you are angry and upset.

I would never allow her back in my garden again.

BravoMyDear · 02/07/2023 11:49

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/07/2023 10:21

It's the interfering neighbour who ruined the relationship. I'd be livid and not forgiving.

There would be no further relationship.

Show quote history

Me too, I can’t believe how many people here would be willing to let this slide for the sake of a “good neighbourly relationship”. She’d have a mouthful from me and told not to step foot on my property again!

ikno · 02/07/2023 11:51

I’m not well versed in gardening, to me it looks like she’s ripped everything out. There’s no way watering the plants should have left you with that. It’s like she’s trying to enforce her views of an ideal garden on you - did she have an issue with it before? I would definitely confront her and not thank her for doing that.

Inkpotlover · 02/07/2023 11:57

latetothefisting · 02/07/2023 11:25

looking at the photos they do look horrendous, she was completely out of line and I can understand why you're upset

BUT

the time to say something was as soon as you'd seen what happened. Given that you originally went over, said thanks, and even got her a present, you are going to look a bit mad if you now go back again and kick off, as some posters are suggesting. I fully understand why you didn't say anything originally, shock and it taking time to bed in, etc. But from her POV she did you a favour and you thanked her. If you go round there now "bouncing" and "Livid" and completely cut her off, she's going to be confused and upset, and if she mentions it to other neighbours it's going to be hard to put your point across without you sounding like the unreasonable, ungrateful one having a go at someone who did you a favour, particularly if she's generally lovely as you said.

It's easy enough on MN to suggest someone else goes out all guns blazing when you're sitting at home behind your phone safe from any consequences but you have to live alongside this woman.

By all means mention next time you see her that you were a bit unhappy she'd pruned the roses back so much and of course never let her in your garden again, but I think that's where you have to leave it.

OP thanked her for watering the garden while they away. It's perfectly acceptable for her to go back and say that she was too shocked to say anything at time but now she's had time to reflect and go round the garden properly she's really upset that she has butchered her roses. People fly off the handle too readily - it's actually a good thing that OP has taken time to formulate her response.

And who gives a toss what other neighbours think?! You can't live your life worrying about other people's opinion of you.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 02/07/2023 12:05

Those photos are outrageous! OP, you have to tell her!

People keep saying they'll grow back but that's not the point at all. She should not have done it!

SideBob · 02/07/2023 12:06

Sorry, but who in their right mind cuts down beautiful healthy roses in full bloom? WTAF Shock

I'd have to go down to the garden centre to cheer myslef up. Grrrr

WingingItSince1973 · 02/07/2023 12:53

I hate manicured gardens and ours sounds a lot like yours. I would be absolutely fuming if my neighbour did this. I've taken years to establish my roses, climbers and bushes and this would make me so upset. She should have just watered the greenhouse like you asked and not touched anything in the garden. It's not healthy to have a complete weed free sterile zone. Nature needs all the help it can get! So sorry. They will grow back but that's not the point x

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/07/2023 13:06

Jongleterre · 02/07/2023 11:47

Now I've seen the before and after photos I wouldn't give a toss about falling out with her.

She has hacked away at your roses and I think it is so she could work on the flower bed and remove all weeds without the thorns of the roses.

She has really overstepped the line and you should show her the before and after photos and tell her that you are angry and upset.

I would never allow her back in my garden again.

Exactly.

And the "weeds" were probably pollinator helpers important to the eco system.

There's no way I could resist having my say.

OP how well did you know her?

LarkLane · 02/07/2023 13:13

@Fraaahnces I'm so sorry to read about your horrendous neighbours, especially horrible to see that you were at your father's funeral when it happened. I hope that things have improved for you, and that your garden is thriving again.

Butchyrestingface · 02/07/2023 13:17

JustMaggie · 01/07/2023 23:44

I would be upset, but I wouldn't say anything. I just wouldn't ask her again. The roses will grow back so it's not worth ruining an otherwise good relationship with the neighbour.

Same. Keeping in mind someone that batshite might react really badly and you still have to keep living beside her for an indeterminate period of time.

I'd be wondering if she'd really hated me (and my roses) all this time and when opportunity knocked, she couldn't resist the urge to fuck with my mind (and garden). Just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean they're NOT trying to kill you. Grin

NetZeroZealot · 02/07/2023 13:44

OP, what is the neighbour's garden like?

tara66 · 02/07/2023 13:45

Buy her a second hand book on ''Care of Roses'' or some such!

Beginningless · 02/07/2023 13:52

Wow I was going to say in order to maintain harmony, just leave it and don’t ask her again. But having seen the pictures, just wow! Wtf was she thinking? I understand why you were upset and also question was this a weird kind of revenge?!

BishopRock · 02/07/2023 13:53

You're unreasonable not to ask her why she has done it. And unreasonable to take her a present to say thank you.

Madness!

Bear in mind that next time you go away she may just go into your garden and do it again.

I think you're daft not bringing it up. I hate confrontation, but sometimes you've just got to grit your teeth and get on with it.